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VO5 Summer of Love Series: How jealous is too jealous?

chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 487 Listening Ear

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Once again, we’ve partnered with VO5 to talk about issues impacting young people and this week’s topic is Sex, Consent and Jealousy.

Jealousy in relationships has been a theme in some of the best songs of all time (honestly, who among us hasn’t cursed out Jolene for trying to take Dolly’s man?). But, in reality, hearing that your partner feels jealous can be incredibly uncomfortable, especially if it devolves into paranoia, and frustrating, as it may make you feel as though they don’t trust you. Likewise, being jealous can leave you feeling insecure and anxious about the future of your relationship.

A little jealousy is okay, some studies even indicate that it can be a good thing, but too much and the relationship becomes toxic and unhealthy.

People who suffer from jealousy are often very insecure, and their worst fear is that their partner will leave them. If there is no real reason for your jealousy, then your shouting, pestering or nagging could really drive them away.

If you’re jealous over your partner or your partner is jealous over you, here are some questions that you might ask yourself:

  • Have they ever given you a reason to doubt their commitment to you? If they’ve cheated in the past, have you resolved this or is it still an issue? If your partner has been unfaithful before and doesn’t appear to have changed, or repeatedly ignores reasonable boundaries, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
  • If you feel as though they’re avoiding you or that you don’t spend enough time together, sit down and have an honest chat about why you feel this way and what you can do to rectify the situation.
  • If you already spend a lot of time together, ask yourself how reasonable you’re being here. Do you have hobbies and interests outside of your relationship? Are you socialising with your friends and family? If not, it could be the case that your relationship has become your sole focus. There’s a fine line between wanting to be with someone and wanting to be with them all the time. The latter isn’t healthy or a fair expectation of your partner.

For more information, check out our article here: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/jealousy-2942.html

Relate also have a great article and provide affordable relationship counselling, both of which are linked here: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/trust/jealousy-ruining-your-relationship

How do you handle jealous thoughts? Comment down below with your insights!



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    alice123alice123 Posts: 88 Budding Regular
    I think that jealousy has the potential to affect almost anyone in a relationship but it's so important to control these feelings as they have potential to end a relationship. 

    I handle jealous thoughts in different ways depending on why I am having them. For example, if I hear that someone else fancies my boyfriend or if he makes a new female friend and they are very close, I often feel jealous that she might be prettier/ funnier etc than me and that he could 'do better'. However, I combat this by reminding myself that he has chosen to be with me and by continuing in our relationship, is making that choice everyday. Therefore, I know that I shouldn't feel insecure or jealous as he is with me for a reason. 

    If jealousy crops up from him hanging out with his friends a lot, I remind myself that relationships need boundaries and it is healthy for us both to spend time with our friends and to have friends of the opposite sex. This is something which affected us both at University as we made close friends of the opposite sex. However, I think in this situation, open communication and reassurance as well as meeting these friends helped both of us to shelve these feelings of jealousy. 

    Although I have spoken about my relationship, I think that the same can occur with friendships. Jealousy is one of those things which you need to check yourself on now and then in order to keep any relationship happy and healthy!
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    coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and one of our strongest things is the lack of jealousy. But it wasn't always that way - when we first got together it was my very first relationship and as he's someone with a lot of girl-friends I struggled with jealousy quite a bit. The absolute best thing for this was to talk about it. Being completely open and honest throughout the relationship has meant we are both so comfortable now! I have some very close guy-friends as he does girl-friends and we honestly just see it as we gain another friend ourselves haha! communication is key. 

    great thread!
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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    edited July 2019

    This is such an interesting thread - I love all your advice too @chubbydumpling

    I think a little jealousy is normal but it's just handling that feeling and not letting it consume you I think!

    I agree with @alice123 and @coc0mac, the most important thing for me and my partner is that we talk about it.

    I also think if your partner has close friends that you are worried about, it's also a good idea to get to know them. Firstly, because it will make you feel less insecure when you get to know them and see that they are just friends (if you still feel insecure or if getting to know them leaves you feeling more insecure - you should talk to your partner about it). Secondly, it's also nice for your partner for you to get on well with his/her friends.

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    chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    edited July 2019
    Great advice, @alice123!
    However, I combat this by reminding myself that he has chosen to be with me and by continuing in our relationship, is making that choice everyday. 

    I really like how aware you are of your jealous thoughts and how you quickly put a stop to them by reminding yourself that your boyfriend is dedicated to your relationship. Combatting negative emotions with positive affirmations is a really good tactic for keeping jealous thoughts at bay. 
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    chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    You're absolutely right about the importance of communication, @coc0mac. As someone with a male best friend, it's always been important for my partner to be accepting and supportive of that. It's great that you and your boyfriend have overcome those issues!
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    chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    Great point about getting to know your partner's friends @Han93!
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,565 Skive's The Limit
    I think it's good to put the trust in the relationship as well as in them.
     They're with you for a reason and while is okay if they find other people attactive physically they obviously are not the same person since not the same connection. 

    I guess is about finding the cause of the jealously - if it's cause they have done something or feel insecure then lots of ways to move forward and think about how could work or maybe not work at the moment until they work on their self worth. 

    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    Great points, @Shaunie! I think you're absolutely right about it being okay to find other people physically attractive. That's not a bad thing in and of itself. Trusting in your relationship and your connection with your partner is key. 
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