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TW I just want to disappear

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 177 Helping Hand
edited May 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
I don’t need to talk about how, what, when and why.

If I was actually going to I wouldn’t be posting here & wouldn’t be saying anything to anyone. 

That alone is frustrating, continuing with sadness, fear, paranoia, what my heart feels my mind thinks different, both conflicting, both fighting and it all leads me to the same question... why?!

Why did I survive?
Why am I here?
Why is everything over-facing and such a battle? 
Why do people expect you to be strong?
Why do people bother?
Why do I feel like I’m in a bottomless pit?

I feel like I was dead and empty inside when I was abused/rape and before that, I had to leave a part of me to car for my daughter, but the rest.. I don’t have the energy 

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you for sharing how you feel Natalie, not always easy. I can hear you're struggling. :(I Dont see you like that. I see you as brave and very well self aware which does seem bit opposite of that. 

    How can we support you on here?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey Natalie,

    I just wanted to check in, and ask how you've been feeling since you posted this, if you'd like to talk about it?

    It must be really hard to feel this way :( We're all here for you.

    Sending love and hugs,
    Kathleen <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Sending lots of love your way Natalie, I hope you start to feel better soon. Always here if you need a friendly chat x
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey @NatalieMT

    I just wanted to send you a hug as well. We're all here for you anytime you want to talk. Keeping fighting <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 177 Helping Hand
    Sorry, I haven’t come back sooner, have no words, everything is stuck or lost, it’s all internal. Heads full of just everything! 

    I spoke to someone on crisis messenger at approximately 2-3am this morning, I woke up and saw my messages open on my phone, been having flashbacks of the same thing for weeks now, I’d taken diazepam and spoke to someone there, not remembering much of what I said at the time, read back and I fell asleep during the conversation so managed to tire self back to sleep, that’s just what’s happening right now. Been in a trance today, took little one swimming class, barely remember that. 

    Im just not in control of my thoughts when I’m usually know them, I can’t express them.

    sorry and thank you 

    Natalie 💕
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