Tough week

Jellyelephant

hey guys! 

I am struggling a bit. Started on Friday when I was talking to my therapist about uni and she started talking about her concerns and stuff I need to do to stay well and doctors and counselling there and all sorts and it got me down because my bpd ruins everything and I can’t just have a good thing in my life without having to have support and doctors and meds and blah blah blah  

then saturday day I saw a lot of different people and social stuff and that really stressed me out. I got overwhelmed and self harmed. I haven’t self harmed in ages so I felt guilty about that and was upset with myself. 

Then monday was my aunts birthday meal and I got soooooo anxious and stressed and triggered and was just really stressful and I self harmed after that too. 

Then today I saw meg (my therapist) and we ended up talking about one of the rapes I have experienced... and I told her what actually happened. She was so supportive and lovely about it and I couldn’t have asked for more but now I’m home I feel so triggered and ptsd symptoms are kicking my arse. I have self harmed and am currently drinking as much alcohol as I can lol ... I haven’t drank for nearly two weeks so again I feel guilty but still had to be done so I don’t lose my shit

i don’t know the point of this thread but I’m just having a tough week and could do with some support

lots of love 
x

Former Member

Hey @Jellyelephant

I'm really sorry to hear how tough your week has been:( It sounds like the past few days have been stressful. I can imagine I'd be pretty down and overwhelmed with all that. How would you describe how you're feeling now? x

Maybe do some self-care, if you like x And feel free to update us on things.

Sending lots of hugs and love

Former Member

Hi @Jellyelephant

Sorry to hear you are having a tough week.

It sounds from the way you describe your therapist is open and supporting when you speak to her. 

Remember that the progress we make as an individual isn't linear. We don't go from point A, to point B, and C, then get better. We loop back on ourselves, we stop for a bit, we'll sometimes go one step forward and two steps back. That's just human nature. Try not to feel guilty about drinking after two weeks, or self-harming, it doesn't mean you've lost or diminished any of the progress you made.  From what you said, you made some great progress talking to your therapist, and it's a positive step that you've reached out on these forums.

Feel free to let us know how you are feeling later on.

Remember that The Mix has a crisis messenger you can contact if you need it by texting THEMIX to 85258.

Former Member

Hey @Jellyelephant

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling this week it sounds like you've had a load of pressure points with social stuff going on. Please don't feel guilty, to echo exactly what @Jordan said "progress isn't linear" you are still making progress as you are still getting the help you need, and also talking to us about it here  

Do you have any distraction techniques you know work for you/ or self care, aside from drinking? If not I'm sure we can help with suggestions. Sending loads of hugs.

- Lucy

Jellyelephant

Things have been tough am struggling with my ptsd atm and just found out my nana might have lung cancer. She is having another scan today to confirm it or not. So down and struggling with my alcohol use  and self harm  

Former Member

Don't think too much about self harm. Sometimes I think fate was what fate was, if you harmed you couldn't help it, move on.
Also I try to think about things I did well like, hey, I went ages and didn't harm! I didn't harm today! 

Don't feel guilty, please. We're here for you x

Former Member

Hey Jelly

That's awful about your nana :-( I hope there isn't lung cancer - how did the scan go?

It sounds like your PTSD is really playing up recently. As you said in your first post that talking to Meg about the rape was triggering, I'm wondering if that's what's set it off for you?

I've had things similar to PTSD symptoms before, so although I haven't been through anything that traumatic and don't have the disorder (as far as I know), I can empathise :-(

Have you got any alternatives or coping techniques that help you with alcohol and self-harm?

We're here for you, so please keep us posted

Jellyelephant

Thanks my nana had her scan we have to wait for the results now I’m so worried I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her 

Former Member

This must be very hard for you It makes perfect sense that you're really worried.

Are you close with your nana? I'm hearing that you love her a lot, which is really nice to see. I can only imagine how I'd be feeling if my nan could be ill. Do you know when you'll get the results, or could it be anytime?

Sending hugs forever

Former Member

Hey Jelly,

Just want to echo what people have said on here, we are here for you, 

How are you feeling now?

Do keep posting if you need to, we care about you. 

Jellyelephant

I’m really sad. My nana has a tumour in her lung and tomorrow we found out the prognosis... I am so anxious and I have a problem that is so bad atm I’m in pain from it and yeah. Duno

[edited by moderator]

Former Member

Hello @Jellyelephant

I'm sorry that things aren’t too good right now, how are you feeling today? 💗 just what to remind you that you’re strong and relapses don’t mean that you have failed, feeling guilty about self harming is understandable but don’t beat yourself up for it you’re trying your hardest and that’s incredible considering everything that’s going on! 

Sending love and hugs, message me if you need to I'm always here x

Aoife

Hey @Jellyelephant

Let us know how everything goes today. Thinking of you

Jellyelephant

Thanks guys. I am so sad and anxious and stressed. I have been drinking lots of vodka. I just need to know I can’t bear to lose my nana i will crumble if it’s serio

Jellyelephant

So I asked my mum and she said my nana appt was at 2pm. I messaged my nana asking how it went but she’s not replied. I feel like it’s bad news because if anything was good I think she would have been quick to share the good news 

Jellyelephant

I am so drunk kill me now ahahha

Jellyelephant

My nana read my message one minute ago that I sent asking how it went.... she went back offline.... omg it must be bad news. If it was good she wouldn’t be bothered about telling us. I’m so stressed I want to self harm athmfnsjhzhxf

Jellyelephant

Guys my nana said it seems positive!!!! She said she has to have more tests but “atm everything looks positive” omg I cried in relief thank fucking god

Millie2787

Jellllyyy I’m soo happy for you right now !!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ So glad it wasn’t cancer sweet 

Jellyelephant

I don’t know if my nana was trying to reassure me... I was chatting to my mum and she has gone round to see my nana and she said it’s “not absolutely clear yet, I’ll tell you when I get home” I’m scared 

Jellyelephant

Ok so it still might be cancer she said they don’t know for sure at the moment what the tumour is and she needs to have an operation where they put a camera down her throat and take a biopsy of it to test whether it’s cancer 

Former Member

Hey @Jellyelephant

How are you feeling at the moment?

I'm sorry to hear that your nana could still have cancer It sounds like this is really affecting, stressing and scaring you, and I understand how.

All the love

Former Member

Hi Jelly

I'm so sorry to hear about your Nana, that's really difficult news to get, especially if you had to wait a while to find out how the appointment went. Have you found out when her operation might be?

Sending you and your family lots of love x

Former Member

Sending love Jelly 💗

Jellyelephant

thanks for the support

My nana has had her bronchoscopy and biopsy and scan now. She has an appt beginning of july to find the results so its a waiting game now. 

I am working on my college assignments. Theyre all late but my tutors are being nice, i had a meeting with one of them today and he helped me and told me what to do. Stressful tho

Hallucinations are pissing me off. Especially the buzzing noises and when i look at writing i see my name written there so its hard to do my work when am seeing strange things everywhere. 

I am on day two of my alcohol free journey. 2 days sober and boyyyyyy its tough. I was so tempted to buy more today at the shop but I resisted. A nice woman from my local area wrote on our local group about her journey with alcohol and i messaged her she was lovely and gave me her number and she said I can meet her friday evening for a drink (non alcoholic of course lol) and then she said she will take me to her AA meeting for support she said it helps her a lot. 

My ESA is being reassessed which is shit cos if they take my money off me i will just kill myself cos i wont be able ot pay for therapy or anything so i will be rock bottom. My keyworker is meeting me tomorrow to do the forms and my therapist is doing a letter tonight to send me for support for my application. 

lots going on so am trying to just keep my head above water. Appreciate the mix and u guys on here so much u have all been angels and I am lucky  

xxx

Jellyelephant

Oh my days. I am so tired. Its my own fault tho 

basically I didnt have my assignment done by the deadline so I uploaded a previous assignment and put the same title so that I didnt get capped at a pass. So my tutor found me today and told me and I acted surprised and told her I would upload the proper one when I got home. Been trying to finish it in time but only just finished and its like 3.20am. My teacher will probs know I bullshitted but am past caring lol just uploaded it. Kill me now aha

Anyway I had better try and get some sleep as I have a meeting with my keyworker to do my ESA forms. On that note my therapist sent me a supporting letter for it and it makes me sound actually insane lol. 

fml

Former Member

Hi Jelly

Well done on getting your assignment done! I hope you were able to get some rest once it was submitted. Let us know how it goes with your keyworker today, reassessments for things are rubbish but I'm glad she's there to support you.

How are you feeling about meeting the lady from online and going to the AA group together?

Sending hugs
Caroline

Jellyelephant

Yeh finally slept until half 12 lol. My keyworker was lovely and she did the forms for me well she just asked me questions and then she wrote stuff because she said you have to answer in a certain way to get points. So she worded my answers in a good way. 

Am feeling good anout going to AA. Think it will be extra support for me from people who understands. I am struggling today. Haven’t had a drink since Sunday and all this stuff going on is too much. I bought vodka from the shop I feel guilty. I haven’t drank any yet but I am so tempted I don’t think I can resist. 

Jellyelephant

I got so drunk yesterday proper fucked up im an idiot. I’m trying to stay sober today. The counsellor who runs my young people’s group asked me to come tonight and have a chat and see everyone cos she knows I’m struggling. So I said I’d go but it doesn’t start until 5pm and I can’t go drunk so yeh. I actually hate mysef so much 

Former Member

Hey Jelly,

I just wanted to send you love and hugs

How have you been feeling about the stuff with your nana? It sounds like that has been horrible for you, and I can imagine the waiting could be quite torturous.

It's positive to hear that you're feeling good about AA. Please try not to think you're an idiot for getting drunk yesterday. Mistakes happen, and I can only imagine how difficult staying sober could be for you, especially when you're going through such a tough time. I'm proud of you for trying to avoid drinking today. We're all supporting you, and I believe in you and I know that you can do this How has it been going so far?

You're doing really well

Former Member

Hey Jelly,

Things seem really hard right now but I just wanted to remind you that you are doing really well, the fact that you keep reaching out for support and trying your hardest is honestly inspirational 💗 

How has the rest of today been for you? Xx

Keep us all updated ☺️

Always here,
Butterfly X