TW - Trust

Former Member

I trusted someone, a man, a adult, I trusted someone who hurt me so badly.

I feel the pain it’s as though it’s just happened. I told myself I’d never tell anyone else, I’d keep it secret, but then I don’t know what it’s like for someone to care or to even notice my vulnerabilities.

I have had counselling previously, when that ended I was left feeling so much grief.  

I have bared my worst fears, really scary memories for me I’ve opened myself to trust this counsellor, it took 3-4 sessions to and now after 8 sessions they’ve had to end I’ve accepted that. But at the end of my last session I felt like a lost and vulnerable well scared child, so needy Witt that. I said I was fine to save face and to cover up how stupid I felt, but I cried into my pillow afterwards.

I’ve flashbacks / triggers 3 times today but I’m so ashamed of myself, of being in them of what I see and feel. I stood facing where I work on my lunch hour, my mind had so many emotions, more than I could take, There was a smell but I’ve smelt it before today and it hasn’t brought up anything, today I’ve been lost, vulnerable. I feel so raw, I’ve no one to confide in I can’t say it all. 

I wished someone would give me a hug but equally that someone would tell me how bad I am.

im so sad, I don’t like crying, it’s bad, it’s scary, it’s out of control and it’s unsafe but I can’t stop it.

I need people to be horrible to me. I don’t feel I have the strength anymore to fight myself.

i can't say what hurts the most but I can’t find anything that feels safe, I gave myself permission to feel safe in counselling. 

You cant put back together someone whose broken / damaged. I mean me! 

Im sorry for being me 

Former Member

  

Aoife

Hey @NatalieMT

Firstly I just wanted to say please don't be sorry for being you. What happened to you wasn't your fault and I'm so sorry to hear how much you're hurting. Like Aidan said, there's no reason anyone needs to be horrible to you. You deserve so much kindness

I'm sorry to hear about your counselling ending. I know how much those sessions meant to you and I'm sorry they had to come to an end. It sounds like it's been really hard to find somewhere where you feel safe enough to open up about everything and I know how much strength it took to open up in those sessions. It's completely understandable to hear how vulnerable you're feeling at the moment having lost that support. You're going through a lot and it's hard to fight through these things alone. 

Try not to loose hope because there are other support options out there for you such as Rape Crisis. They have centres across the UK and they might be able to provide you with some longer term counselling. How would you feel reaching out to them to see what support they could offer you?

These flashbacks you're having sound really difficult. Is there anything that helps you through them? You might find this article helpful to read through, it has some tips on how to manage flashbacks  

I don’t feel I have the strength anymore to fight myself.

You never have to fight through this alone Natalie. We're always going to be here to help you. There will be bumps along the way and there will be days where it feels like you can't go on, but things can get better. Keep fighting 

Former Member

Thank you everyone for your lovely and caring replies. My heart feels fuller seeing how much people care and with such compassion. I’m touched by how much care people have for someone who they have never met in person. It’s truly opened my eyes to how not everyone out there will hurt you and how you can really choose your own family/friendships.

My CPN is going to be contacting rape crisis for me and has said she’ll come along with me for the initial, I don’t want to give up I have a beautiful little girl who is my world. I live for her. That’s why I took myself to hospital, sometimes my mental state goes on another level and I’m not
thinking straight but how unsafe I feel in this world. That’s bipolar. I had a manic episode I couldn’t see the wood from the trees but as I sit here and read everyone’s reply, I’m crying and for the first time actually I don’t feel scared or bad for doing but peaceful (though that could be the effects from the diazepam!).

I will never give up when I have such beautiful people here and Aife you know I trust you and always listen to you. your words mean a lot to me because I know how hard you work and how much compassion you really have. I am fortunate to be on the receiving end of it. 

The mix have been so kind to me, I felt completely dropped from the support I had throughout of the case after. You have helped me find a safe place which is my biggest fear.

Much love 

💕 nNatalie 

Aoife

Hey @NatalieMT

Thank you for your lovely message, it really means a lot

I'm really glad you found The Mix and that we've been able to help you find a place where you feel safe. You are such an important part of The Mix too and you've helped and are helping so many people here.  

It's really positive your CPN is going to contact rape crisis for you and also come with you for your first appointment. It can be scary going to these things alone so it's really nice you'll have someone with you. Keep us updated with how that goes. I really hope they can help you find some more support soon. Do you know when your CPN is going to call them? 

Hope you're feeling a little better today