(Possible CW) Is my brother abusive? What action can I take?

ElkElk Posts: 4 Newbie
Hi. I'm Elk, I'm new here but I'm pretty desperate for some help so apologies if this is a mess or if I tagged it wrong.
I just turned 19 and I don't know what to do.
My older brother (21) has always been angry and generally unpleasant but recently, in the last year or two, it's escalated to a point where I am genuinely terrified of him. 

He yells and screams when upset, sometimes just screaming for the apparent sake of it and other times at me or my mother. He has punched holes in our walls, which was enough of an issue when he did it in our old home but we now rent a flat so the consequences are worse. He also slams doors, kicks and breaks things and has on at least one occasions, upended a bookcase and thrown a mattress (both in my room after I refused him something, I don't remember specifics).

He is selfish and manipulative, using my and my mother's fear of him and his behaviour to get money out of us to fuel his drug habits, and seems to have no concept of consideration for other people, constantly demanding respect whilst never showing it.  

He is constantly threatening in his behaviour and attitude towards us and has hit me on a few isolated occasions, once slapping me in the face and another punching me on the upper arm, leaving a bruise that he proceeded to take a picture of the ''Show to his mates". 
He is constantly making me and my mother cry, and in my case have panic attacks, due to how he behaves towards us and the constant yelling.

He has issues with mental illness that he only recently has begun to get help for but he is very reluctant to the process, as myself and my father have both suffered mental illness for many years and he doesn't want to "end up like (us)" and has belittled our struggles for years.

My mother tries to help him as best she can but he simply yells at her whenever she tries and constantly puts her down and makes her feel terrible. She takes the brunt of his attitude and is his favourite target.

I don't know what to do. We can't take much more of this, we are at our breaking points. The constant eggshells we have to walk on around him is exhausting. We are all forced to give him money to keep him in as good a mood as possible. It's not feasible to live like this but I simply don't know what action we can take.

Honestly, I wish we could throw him out and never see him again but I don't know how we physically could? 
And due to the majority of his (I guess it is abuse) being mental and emotional I'm not sure the police or authorities would be much help, and the thought of calling them only for them not to take action and him finding out we tried terrifies me even more. I don't want to know how he'd treat usus aft that.

Please, if there's anyone who can offer any advice I would be forever thankful, if only for the help it would provide my mother.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for listening x


kathleen0172L100

Comments

  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 1,129 Fanatical Poster
    Hey, sorry to hear about what you're going through, it must be tough. Sounds like your brother is violent and intimidating, and it can be especially hard when it's coming from family. It's brave to come forward about something like this.

    Regardless of anyone's background or reasoning, assault and intimidation is not okay. If you or someone you know is in danger of violence, call the police.

    101 is the non-emergency number, but it's encouraged to call 999 if:
    -the crime is happening now
    -a suspect of the crime is nearby
    -you are in danger

    Your mum or the landlord may be able to evict your brother, but seek legal advice first. I'd be wary of further intimidation or violence from your brother and any of his associates in revenge if he was evicted. It may be best to involve the police in either circumstance.

    Take care of yourself!
    3.6, not great, not terrible
    kathleen0172Elk
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Elk (and welcome) <3

    I'm so sorry to hear this. It does sound distressing and I get why you're terrified of him:( It must be a horribly tough situation.

    Just a few ideas that came to mind, don't know how doable or useful they are:

    Do you think it's a possibility to run away and live somewhere else?
    Or at least to try to go on holiday for a few weeks' break?
    Do you think it would help to tell the mental health professionals about this?

    It's positive to hear he's begun to get help for his mental illness - sorry he's reluctant about the process. Really hope he gets better, and that this behaviour will also lessen along with it.

    I wish I could offer some better advice, maybe someone else here can. Take care of yourselves <3
    AidanElk
  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 1,129 Fanatical Poster
    edited April 4

    Do you think it's a possibility to live somewhere else? 
    I agree with Kathleen here, it may be a good idea for you and your mum to live somewhere else whilst your brother is still getting help. Although he needs help, you and your mum are important and also need protecting. I'd discuss this with your mum and see if she would come too, as it sounds like she's also in danger from him.

    This may be better than kicking him out, as doing that would leave him knowing where the two of you are. You could move property without alerting your brother, and keep the landlord informed about this decision so they know he could return and possibly be violent.

    Alternatively, you could inform the landlord only your brother will be residing at the flat anymore, you and your mum could move, and what your brother does in regards to the flat and rent etc. is his responsibility. 

    Anything you do to protect yourself can of course always be done in conjunction with action in terms of police, social workers, your brothers' mental health workers etc.

    How do you feel about your possible options, and does you mum know about them? Likewise, is there anything your mum is thinking of doing?

    Stay safe
    3.6, not great, not terrible
    kathleen0172Elk
  • ElkElk Posts: 4 Newbie
    Thank you all for such quick replies! @kathleen0172 @Aidan

    Do you think it's a possibility to run away and live somewhere else?
    Or at least to try to go on holiday for a few weeks' break?
    Do you think it would help to tell the mental health professionals about this?
    I am currently on my way to my Dad's house for a week to get away from it all for a while.
    I have talked to my therapist about this and she has encouraged me to call the police but we were both wary of the possible consequences of that.

    I had been hoping to get into University in a separate city this year so I would have a reason to move out and away but it didn't happen so I am at home for at least another year.

    Aidan said:
    How do you feel about your possible options, and does you mum know about them? Likewise, is there anything your mum is thinking of doing?
    I have brought up some options with my mum but she is wary to take action. She still holds some love for my brother while I lost any possitive emotion towards him many years ago.
    We live in a relatively small town so moving out and keeping it from him would be practically impossible unfortunately. I had been hoping with my acceptance to Uni that I'd be able to move out and that this would encourage my mum to move in with her long term boyfriend, obviously this didn't happen. 

    I thought that with only a year to put up with we'd be able to get through it but the rate at which he's escalating makes me believe that simply isn't feasible and some sort of action must be taken.

    For moving out, my only source of income I currently have is my college bursary. I will be doing another year in my current institution come September and hopefully the money from that will give me enough that I will be able to move into a flat of my own, and in turn encourage my mum to take the same step and move out.

    Thank you both for the comments, they were very helpful and have given me lots to think about! I feel much more comfortable with more information and knowing that there is in fact legal action I can take.


    kathleen0172
  • ValerialettoValerialetto Posts: 48 Cool Newbie
    Hey @Elk really sorry to hear about your problem and you must be very brave if you are still ready to straggle and looking for some advices!

    I'd join in fact to the suggestions of @kathleen0172 and @aidan ragarding moving to another place...just want to add a little bit about your mom. It's clearly understandable that she has feelings to your brother no matter what and it can be difficult for her to take a decision just to run away and pretend that he doesn't exist at all. But what if try to explain her that it is needed for him either. It's kind of difficult to provide psycological help for person if you need some also. You're both terrified and exhausted by your situation, so you cannot think clearly now and think of help for him, but as soon as you feel stronger, more confident and finnaly happier you can think of possible support for him.

    I understand that you live in a small town and it's impossible to hide but even if he knows where are you you can not let him in and when you're somewhere out just try to be in public so he wonät be able to bring you any harm...

    And also please write here how's is it going and what do you feel. I understand that you can consider that like not really helpful but I guess it's worthy.  Just text and we try to support you as much as we can  <3


    Elk
  • L100L100 Posts: 89 Miniposter
     When he's not acting up or when you have meals like dinner  have you tried to talk to him or if not. Is he at college or university? If he is perhaps email them to see if they can have a word to see why he's being like this or do you know if he's had any issues in his education or work if he works. Perhaps he's taking it out on you?

    In my childhood during school and because of being treated kind of badly by my dad and getting bulllied and parents splitting up. I took this out on my brother and he  always got annoyed at me as he never knew why.  it got to the point where i ended up doing things like what your brother did shout, stamp, slam doors he ended up hitting me back and calling me names which i understand. This went on for a couple of years. When i stopped due to neighbours my brother started doing it to me at home and at school. My brother is also 2 years older (we've just turned i'm 20 and he's 22).  He got a job and then moved out ad i moved to a different town.  I was explaining this as i was a bit like your brother in this situation. So there's probably a reason he's doing it.



    Elk
  • ElkElk Posts: 4 Newbie
    edited April 8
    @Valerialetto
    And also please write here how's is it going and what do you feel. I understand that you can consider that like not really helpful but I guess it's worthy.  Just text and we try to support you as much as we can  


    @L100
    have you tried to talk to him or if not. Is he at college or university? If he is perhaps email them to see if they can have a word to see why he's being like this or do you know if he's had any issues in his education or work if he works. Perhaps he's taking it out on you?


     Thank you for your taking the time to reach out and reply! Just being able to talk through it all has been a huge help.

    He is currently in part-time employment because he lost his last full-time job due to his behaviour and attitude (not for the first time).

    Everyone in the family tries to talk to him about personal and professional troubles he may be having and always the reaction is the same.
     He will throw curses and insults at you and act like the simple act of asking in the first place was a huge offence. He simply does not seem to want other peoples help or advice, even when he is the one opening a line of communication about things.

     As far as he is concerned all people are assholes and everyone is beneath him in all aspects.

    He is most definitely taking his issues out on us but the only problem is we either don't know what the issue is or if we try to help and offer advice he dismisses us as moronic.
    He manages to turn any pleasant conversation into a way to belittle and demean us 

    I know I should feel some sort of sympathy for him as I know he has had some shit happen but it is just so difficult to care for someone who doesn't care about anyone else, or the impact his actions and words have on others.

     This has not been a longstanding problem of his, he has acted this way since childhood with it escalating to extreme levels in recent years (evidently lining up with his starting to smoke weed constantly and other dabble in other drugs) and honestly a lot of the problems he has would be solved if he managed his smoking habits and just..didn't treat people so terribly.

    I have thought of trying to contact people he's close to but I dont know them very well and I know he would not take kindly to the action.

    It's a whole mess basically and at this point I would be glad to see him accept more help and more importantly some responsiblity. 
    But for now it's more about safe guards and self preservation.

    (Sorry if any of this seems mean/rude or targeting etc? I don't want anyone to think I'm comparing people to him even if situations may be similar because obviously Im negatively biased toward him if that makes sense? Just don't want to upset anyone!)
  • ValerialettoValerialetto Posts: 48 Cool Newbie

    hello @Elk,
    How is it going so far?

    You do not upset anyone, these are your feelings as they are and we're here to share it and support :) 
    I understand what you are talking about...unfortunately we can help people only if they want and ask for it otherwise it's totally useless we cant make people do what we want(

    As far as right now it's more about your mental health and you have to live with this person it's important to know how to make it easier for you and your mom. I've read once about one strategy and it really helped me so I share it with you either. When person try "to turn any pleasant conversation into a way to belittle and demean us", insult you or speak rude and negative to you try to imagine that it's a kid. We can't be angry with kids cause they do not understand that much and they behave rude just because smb didn't buy them ice cream couple of minutes ago. Their reactions are pretty simply, they tell you that you are bad boy because you do not give him/her a toy and we just smile about it cause it's a kid) With adults it's difficult to do the same cause adults are expected to know exactly what they do and what consequences can be... but unfortunately majority of us  still behave as kids and are very vulnerable creatures cause of their physiological problems and as far as we have to live with them somehow it seems to me reasonable to look at them as at kids.

    Easy tell than do, I know it , but I guess it’s reasonable to try out all the things that can work out <3

     

    “ He is most definitely taking his issues out on us but the only problem is we either don't know what the issue is or if we try to help and offer advice he dismisses us as moronic.” Sounds like he feels that his problems are too serious for smb to understand and help(  Have you tried to offer some help? I mean verbally? I understood that you tried to help but it’s kind of difficult to do if you have no idea what’s going on… Maybe just tell that you’re always here for him if he needs to talk or share smth?

    Please text when you can and sorry for late reply,

    Val

Sign In or Register to comment.