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I give up I’m done

JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
in Health & Wellbeing
I have had it with life. I was trying to pull my life back together after my mental crisis so I went back to college this week and went back to work today. So I had my back to work interview and basically my sickness is too high and I’m going to start being disciplined leading to dismissal.... but not only that... apparently people have gone to my manager and told him that while I’ve been off sick I’ve gone and got my nails done. What the actual fuck. Yes I got my damn nails done, do you know why? Because I spent the night before in hospital in MH crisis and suicidal... so when I woke up that day I wanted to kill mysef so instead I decided I should stay in public so I couldn’t act on my thoughts and that’s why I got my nails done. For people who I thought were friends to go behind my back and try and get me in trouble at work is just fucking snakey and shit. I cried twice at work, and more when I came home. Self harmed. I actually want to die. What’s the point in trying to do things to help myself when it gets used against me? And can’t trust anyone because people are fucking snakey. My job is only 8 hours a week so if I can’t cope with that then I can’t cope with anything and I don’t deserve to be part of society. Well from now on I won’t be talking to anyone, I won’t be using social media, I won’t be getting my nails done or any other shit in an attempt to help myself. I will just sit in my room all day every day until I rot to death hopefully. I hate myself I hate life I hate everything I’m so distressed and I can’t calm down. Fuck life it’s a load of bollocks 
The sun will rise and we will try again 

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited March 2019
    Hugs @Jellyelephant   <3 

    I always think its cowardly when someone goes behind staff backs to speak to the manager - its just like tell them yoursef ffs. Just try to remember you havent done anything wrong <3 getting your nails done doesnt mean youre well it just means youre trying to take care of yourself. 

    Jellyelephant said:
     My job is only 8 hours a week so if I can’t cope with that then I can’t cope with anything and I don’t deserve to be part of society.
    My job is also 8 hours a week. - i feel i cant cope with it aswell. But you wouldnt say that to me? - that I cant cope so shouldnt be part of society? I think its definelty hard to see the strength in ourselves but i know how hard even 8 hours are and youre doing so well for how shit you may feel

    im so sorry its knocked you but dont let it stop you or make you feel bad - for taking care of yourself.  You need to give yourself lotsss of care and love  esp if others arent. 

     & im sending all my postive vibes and hugs. <3 xxx
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey Jelly <3 I'm so sorry to read this.

    Just wanted to echo what Shaunie said. It sucks that people said that to your manager - and I think it's unfair when they don't even know the bigger picture (which is that you were suicidal and felt you should be in public). It sounds like you're feeling pretty let down and hurt?:(

    Your feelings are totally understandable, bud - just know that you should look after yourself, and you do deserve to be part of society.

    It also sounds like you've been really struggling in general? Sending love and hugs <3

    I truly think you've been strong - by trying to pull your life back together, going out so you couldn't act on your thoughts, and just holding on.

    I hope you're feeling calmer now. Remember help is always there. Speak to somewhere like crisis messenger or samaritans if/whenever you need to. We care and are here <3
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    @Jellyelephant I'm so sorry to hear this, sounds like an awful situation they have put you in at work. Other people do not understand what you've been through or are going through, and I know that's no excuse for snaking on you but I don't think they are worth your time anyway if they are that childish.

    If you have any of them on your social media, I don't know what social media you use but if it's Facebook if you click on their profiles you can 'Add to Restricted List' which means you are still friends with them but they won't see your future posts... Just in case that's helpful.

    Please don't let this put you off your recovery - you are doing so well and please keep talking to us and sharing here because we care about you more than these silly people at work. 

    How are you feeling today? Sending massive hugs <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey @Jellyelephant

    How are you feeling today? I'm so sorry to hear about what happened at work :( 

    Everyone has given some lovely support here, I also just want to say how unfair it is that people are saying these things to your manager. You are so entitled to spend time to look after yourself. I know it took a lot of strength to fight those thoughts and do what you could to keep yourself safe that day. Try not to let what those people said at work knock you down, keep focusing on you and your recovery. You're going through a lot Jelly and I'm sorry those people at work don't understand what you're going through. 

    We care about you so much, remember we're always here for you <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
    Hey guys

    thanks for the lovely comments it means a lot to me. I have been really distressed since saturday, nd called in sick sunday as I couldnt cope being there. They were really off with me and said i have to get a doctors note, but i cant get an appointment quick enough. Then my manager rang today and left me a message asking em to ring him back. Havent done that yet. 

    I tried to kill myself last night but it didnt work lol so thats shit. Im so sad and distressed and sick of everything. Theres just no point. 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Aw god...:( I'm so glad you're still here <3

    I know this won't change how you feel. But just a gentle reminder - you can and will feel better. Your life has potential, you will enjoy things, you will get some peace of mind. Our suffering can blind us... Whatever we may be feeling and facing. Only if comfortable answering, do you think you want more to die, or end the pain? And how does that feel? (if the former, maybe you just feel so sad and energy-less and want to "sleep", or if the latter, maybe you feel you can't handle stuff anymore and you feel trapped).

    It's clear you're really distressed:( Wish I could say something to help - just know that you're not alone <3
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,312 Part of The Furniture
    Jellyelephant said:
    I have been really distressed since saturday, nd called in sick sunday as I couldnt cope being there. They were really off with me and said i have to get a doctors note, but i cant get an appointment quick enough. Then my manager rang today and left me a message asking em to ring him back. Havent done that yet. 

    Regardless of how they responded @Jellyelephant, you did what you needed to for your wellbeing and that's what matters. People don't always understand this stuff or 'get it', but that's okay - the main thing is you made the best decision for your health. And that's not always easy, so well done. :) 

    It sounds like things are reaching a very intense peak for you right now, and just to echo what @kathleen0172 said: it's a good thing that you're still here, and you won't feel this way forever. Truthfully, I don't know whether that helps to hear, but this too shall pass. I know it's never easy to see the light when you're feeling your worst, but it is there, even if it means turning a few corners before it's visible again. The fact you're alive right now shows that you have a lot of fight in you.

    How have you been in the last couple of days? Are you in touch with any crisis support at all?

    Keep fighting Jelly, you're not done giving wonderful things to the world yet. :) 
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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    JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
    Thanks for the support guys it’s appreciated. In terms of work I have quit my job with immediate effect. I told my therapist that I’d attempted suicide Monday and she rang my GP. GP rang me and told me she wants me to go A&E to get an ecg and blood tests, I told her I’d go but I’m not. There’s no point. I hope I die anyway so I don’t care about the medical side and in terms of mental health support A&E is a joke. I was there the other week and got told that I shouldn’t be there COs hospital don’t help people with BPD and I should be at home sleeping and that if I really wanted to die I would have just killed myself and not told anyone. So this time when I felt that way I didn’t bother telling anyone. GP is gonna ring cmht and let them know but I doubt they give a shit tbh, they never usually do. Feel so stressed and overwhelmed I wish I could just sleep for a few days at least. I have no idea what I’m doing lol I feel all over the place and bat shit crazy. Oh well. Such is life I guess. 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Hugs jelly. Here for you & hope things get easier x
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I wish I could hug you rn Jelly - sending you virtual ones *hug* <3

    Jellyelephant said:
    I hope I die anyway so I don’t care about the medical side and in terms of mental health support A&E is a joke. I was there the other week and got told that I shouldn’t be there COs hospital don’t help people with BPD and I should be at home sleeping and that if I really wanted to die I would have just killed myself and not told anyone. So this time when I felt that way I didn’t bother telling anyone.
    ...Yeesh. They're wrong, and I don't believe it was okay for them to say that. It sounds like they weren't very considerate or attentive, sorry for that.

    Someone will always listen. And I think you're important and deserve to tell someone when you're feeling such pain. If A&E won't be of much use, could maybe try helplines?

    I'm really sorry you want to die:(

    Be sure to keep us posted (if you want). I'm listening <3
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey @Jellyelephant it's been a few days since your last post, I just wanted to check in and ask how you're feeling?

    You mentioned your GP was going to ring CMHT to let them know about what happened. Did you hear anything back from them in the end? 

    It sounds like you're feeling like no one is really there to support you through this or understanding how you're feeling. I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't tell anyone how you were feeling last week. No one should ever feel like they don't have anyone to turn to when they are struggling. Try not to loose hope Jelly because there are people who really do care about you and I know you're not getting the best support at the moment but keep fighting because things can change. Did you manage to talk to your therapist or GP about not feeling able to reach out for help? 

    I really hope the support you're getting improves because you really deserve to be supported through this. I remember we talked about reaching out to Mind's legal line before. Did you manage to reach out to them in the end? 

    Keep fighting Jelly <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
    edited April 2019
    thanks guys,

    Well I lost my stupid prescription today and I rang up the doctors to get a new one and they said i had to come in person and do an emergency form so I did.... then i went home... then i got a call from the doctors saying they wouldnt issue a prescription without seeing me

    So I had to go see my GP today.... she questioned me soooo much and I know she didnt really believe me. She made me promise that I wasn;t just trying to get extra meds to OD on. She was very stern with me and said she is very surprised that I am still alive after last weeks attempt. Oh and then she kept questioning me about meeting up with my old support worker - she was like has she tried to sell you drugs or asked for money?? i laughed at her i was like she wouldnt let me take drugs let alone sell them to me. She said she doesnt understand why a 40 year old would want to meet up with a 25yr old but we are friends and get on well and I am mature for my age. Its not creepy because Im an adult. 

    Yes she rang CMHT last thursday but I havent heard from them - typical. This just proves how little they care. I make a serious attempt that, according to doctor, should have killed me.... and they dont even bother to ring me lol what a joke. My Care co is due to come round tomorrow so I guess we will see what she says. 

    I feel up and down.... but mostly am fed up of the constant struggle and how life is very difficult and i am very annoyed that I didnt die when i should have done. My body is stupid and clearly malfunctioning...... i feel like theres a force keeping me alive to torment me because apparently i dont even deserve the peace of death. Also I was pretty sure i would die, so didn;t think it would matter, but Im pretty sure this will make me fail occupational health assessment and prevent me starting my nursing degree in september. 

    So fed up. What is this life??? I feel like im having a cruel joke played on me but i cant work it out I am just confused. 

    [edited by moderator]
    Post edited by TheMix on
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
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    JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
    So frustrated. My care co was due at 12 today - there was a knock on the door at 11.30 but i thought it was the window cleaners after money cos they had just done the windows but turns out my care co came at the wrong time and then left cos i didnt answer fml.......... so i spoke to her on the phone and she was like oh yeah my mistake i will come and see u friday............... i was like ok and then she was like bye............. 

    like ffs she didnt even ASK how i am???????? surely if one of ur patients make a serious suicide attempt u would ask them if they are ok? or am i expecting too much lol.... it literally baffles me. Its all because i have BPD they think am attention seeking and dont want to die, but i do lol 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey again @Jellyelephant <3

    It definitely sounds like life is difficult. I can hear and understand how you're fed up. And I know to you, you should've died. It's you who's battling your horrible battle and wants to die. Of course you're going to want peace :( To us, we value you and don't want to lose you - I hope you know how much people care <3

    That whole thing with the doctors sounds pretty frustrating ahah. And with your care co. How has that all made you feel? It would be silly and bad of anyone to think your BPD means you only want attention, and that you're not actually suicidal. Sorry they think like that. I don't suppose you heard from CMTH in the end?

    Wishing you all the best <3



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    HarryTHarryT Community Manager Posts: 320 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Jellyelephant,

    Just wanted to echo what everybody else has been saying and let me know that we care about you and we're hear to listen for as long as you want to talk!  <3

    You'll have overcome challenges before in your life, and you will overcome others too! Sorry to hear that your Care Co and CMHT aren't being as supportive as they should be, that's really frustrating. Wish there was something I could say or do that would help you out, but just know we're here for as long as you want us to be.

    ***virtual hug***
    Hello amazing human (yes, that's YOU). I wish that you could see the amazing person who I see within you  ✨
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    Ugh yeah i have bpd and i have been told exact same things like "hospitals dont help people with bpd " 😒😒😒but its actually true that a lot of people who get sectioned have a bpd diagnosis. And i have been told if i wanted to die i would be dead not seeking help ....most load of shit ever when people can seek help before right before they have successfuly died. Its sad how people can view suicudal thoughts... esp in those who have bpd diagnose --- doesnt make you feel heard or listened to.
    Its like they think "you always say you want to die but youre still alive" ..... and its like yeah .... some people who die by suicide had many years of thinking about it and struggling with the thoughts - its still serious every single day you think about it. ..... basically i mean i really care and i hear you <3 

    And i personally think every suicide attempt is "serious" and no matter what you did she should support you. 

    Hugs 
    xxxx
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
    A rant:

    so obvs am going uni in September. My mum doesn’t want me to move out and had a huge go at me for it just now. She said I can’t look after myself and I am not capable of living on my own. I need to move on with my life and she is stopping me. I have to move out at some point and I am capable of looking after myself I just find it hard sometimes but as a nurse I will be better at it and I need to be given a chance. 
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
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