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The chaos in my head

NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 175 Helpling Hand
I try to compartmentalise everything whether that be a thought, a feeling, to the layout of my desk at work, it manifests itself in everything that I do. If more that one thought enters my mind, like right now fear and sadness, I panic, feel overwhelmed, then 2 thoughts lead to 4 and so on and by the end it’s all impossible!

I’m anxious about my counselling session this evening, firstly because I don’t knkw where to start with my thoughts, I’m scared of my thoughts, when I’m scared I run away, I edit things to make them less significant, and secondly because I struggling feeling a bit safe to then having to end and feeling alone and trapped in my mind. I hate my own mind and I am my own worst enemy. 

Kathleen07

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,278 Supreme Poster
    You seem very self aware of your thoughts & feelings which is good. Feel like you can have some more control of them when self aware idk ah

    how did the counselling go ?
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 179 Super Moderator
    Hey @NatalieMT

    Firstly, would just like to say that I have really appreciated some of your posts across these boards. You have a very powerful and laconic way of writing poetry.

    I am interested by when you say you compartmentalise thoughts, how do you seperate them more than distinguishing them as thoughts? (Which in itself is a very mindful, mature and often effective technique for some.)

    Hope your counselling went OK, would you like to talk about it?
  • NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 175 Helpling Hand
    I could put my focuses on work, or swimming and dancing, things I do although my thoughts were there I could overcast them by whatever I was doing at the time, my thoughts wouldn’t interfere with those things.

    But right now I’m sat at work, dancing or swimming, I’m not distracted at all, the thoughts are prominent in my mind, I’m unable to disassociate myself from them. I can’t escape my head.

    Counseling is difficult because I’m saying everything at 100 miles per hour, in third person some things so I’m not feeling or being impacted by what I write, it feels safe but it isn’t it’s just another form of silence. I recognise my thoughts escalate really fast from saying something for example in my last session, talking about a memory how it’s impacting me emotionally and physically, to feeling helpless and scared, then to feeling utterly powerless with impulsive thoughts to either harm myself or ways to end my life.

    Sometimes I feel the only things keeping me here is my little girl, though equally I feel she deserves so much more than me and how I am right now, to anger of what he did, feeling the fear and connection daily, the trying not to keep feeling this secret that’s consumed and defined me.

    I don’t know if this makes any sense at all.
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