A step closer

Former Member

I want to die or I want this pain to stop. 
I want to disappear but I don’t exist.
I want to feel a whole but I’m completely empty.
I want someone to confide in but there’s nobody hear.
I need help but I’m too scared to ask.
I want to be held but who would come close to someone whose dirty, damaged, contaminated,
I want to feel numb but it’s all that I see.
I’d my inner thoughts but right now who’d really care?!

Former Member

Aww *hugs*

If you wanna talk to someone privately, please feel free to message me - may not have much advice or anything, but I'm happy to listen and won't judge

You're not any of those things mate, and if I were with you I'd give you a big hug. Think we all would! x

JustV

What @kathleen0172 said. Sending all the love, @NatalieMT. 

I can tell you're really hurting at the moment and all of those thoughts and feelings you mentioned are valid. If you do want to share a bit more of your thoughts in-depth, you're welcome to confide in us in your own time. No pressure of course, but you're surrounded by folks who understand this stuff more than most and are ready to listen.

You're doing well to be here and share what's on your mind. You're stronger than you think.

Edit: I also noticed you've written this very poetically - do you like to write?

Former Member

I have a book filled with poetry I’d written with each stage of the process, from giving my initial statement to the court date, I’ve not written since the hearing, before my thoughts felt more free, since then my thoughts have felt very consumed/trapped almost - I haven’t been able to think clearly or as clear as I did then. 

What scares me is is because I can’t think as clear - because I’m worried I am actually losing my mind. What has been done has gone and he has in the eyes of the law been punished for it. In my mind I feel like I want to punish myself all of the time.

I have sat and thought if what would hurt me the most or force me to break the biggest would be to lose Darcey. I was really close to handing her over last week to some who I knew would care for her, I made my Will last week I had it all planned for yesterday. I have tried to take my life years ago, someone working with me from the police knew something wasn’t right and found me. I sat and thought about it yesterday and knew I didn’t want to die, I made no attempt and won’t know (want to reassure you there is no need to worry if I was going to I wouldn’t be writing this here, I wouldn’t be saying anything) & Darcey is keeping me safe from that I’d never do anything with her here. That’s part of the struggle this week that I haven’t told anyone. Telling this now means I won’t do it. 

I’m stuck with this spiral that I’m in, wary of focusing on counseling in Tuesday evening in case it doesn’t go ahead. Nothing to focus on just Darcey. I’ve continued to take Darcey dancing and have smiled through it all - the only genuine smile is watching her dance, I’ll continue going to work and taking her swimming tomorrow. I’m good at being this fraud.