i am struggling very much at home, my parents do not support name change and my personality :'(

Former Member

Hello, my name is Lily and I am really struggling to cope at home and was wondering if any of you can help me as i feel alone and so upset daily because of having to hide myself from my family. I understand this is long and apologize but shall cover the entirety to help you understand, so hopefully you can give me advice and support as I truly need it and feel this loving community can understand what I am going through. It has taken me courage to write this as I feel shy  but I am always here also for anyone whom is having issues too as I care very much about others.

I had had a history of bullying and used to be called Chloe and always felt that the name did not suit me as much and had been nicknamed Lily since i was very little by my friends and family. I always preferred being named Lily and had gone by that name for many years, and at age 13 i discovered what was known as a deedpoll. I know that changing your birth name is an extremely important thing as it defines whom you are and your true self to others and wanted to be certain I wanted to go through with this choice so waited until I was  18 in order to discuss with my parents and go through with it as I very much care about my family regardless and wanted them to be involved in this and understand it is something that can make me alot happier and confident and start my job and student life in utter happiness. I had to prolong my name change until i was 19 because I had my A levels  from ages 17-18 and my  dad forced me to do oral tests and was constantly cross at me and shouting as he expected me to learn everything by heart and so was my mum and they would hit me and call me names for each mistake i made, and this led to me missing my uni offers and the entire summer i was kept housebound and my parents were screaming at me and calling me names daily. Finally i managed to gain independence and get an apprenticeship for software development which was massive courage for me and am waiting to start the 18th march a course with devacademy and will be paid after 6 weeks which is helpful for me so i can earn my money to move away and also my parents seemed calmer with me. My 19th birthday came and i prepared a letter to tell my parents for my 19th birthday I would like to legally change my name to Lily, I was very very nervous to tell them about my name change as i was worried what they would do to me and decided to leave them a letter before bed explaining maturely and kindly how I am still their daughter and the same person, just that I would like them to support my change of name and title me Lily. I also said I am responsible for costs and informing the family and people of my change of name and that I love them as well as updating my documents . I left the letter before they went to bed and went to bed myself to try and sleep it off, in the hope that they would be calm about it as I know they are calm at bedtimes, but my mother came into my room and woke up and told me to get into the bedroom now, so I said ok and I went and was feeling sick to my stomach as I could tell my mum was fuming by her tone. They both then screamed at me, calling me selfish, and cursed at me and both hit me and it was horrible and I started crying. they called me an idiot and I calmly told them to calm down and allow me to speak and i explained that I am still their loving  daughter but I have been considering this name change for a long time and will go through with it and that I am not selfish as I am listening to them and love them and that they need not be so horrible and call me names. They then started saying I am the horrible one who has have mental health problems for wanting to change my name to lily, that I have no self esteem and that I am pathetic and an embarrassment to them and disrespectful for wanting to change my name which is untrue, i have considered changing my name for a long time and only chose this as it is right for me. I then said please do not twist my words and say this, as it hurts me. i am your daughter.They said how i feel does not matter and  also said that changing my name will humiliate them because others will find out and assume i am transgender or a criminal or a weirdo, which is also completely untrue and they said that it will impact their image. I explained to them calmly saying it will not impact their image as i will be talking about my name change if people ask why and that they do not need to say anything and i will simply describe to others that I changed my name as i feel like it suits my personality which is the truth and that I am an adult and responsible for this. they said to me chloe is your name and that is that,and that it is a greek name ( my father is greek), that they chose for me and that i would upset them if I changed my name. I then said i respect and am thankful for your choice and understand it may hurt you a bit, but I never intend to hurt and upset you as i put you first and love you unconditionally, but I have set my heart on the name lily and believe it is more me and it makes me happy being called it. I would never intentionally hurt or upset anyone as i cherish and care for others, but changing my name is so important. Then my parents told me to *curse word* off and change my name and my dad and mum said i am no longer their daughter if i change my name and i left the room crying and went to bed. The next morning they woke me up extremely early at 6am and told me to get up as they are up. They called me chloe more and more and it got to the point i would cry myself to sleep each night and fear the days and put me at my lowest. That day i woke up, i was forced to stop programming ( preparation for my course i am starting) and get a paid job at mcdonald's which i did not want because my parents said i deserve to work in a terrible job as i am a terrible person and this hurt my heart and gave me a time limit to find a mcdonald job. I tried explaining to them i would rather not do this, that i would rather prepare for my course but my dad threatened to give  me a good hiding if i did not get a job by noon that day and so i was panicking and crying and applying to as many mcdonalds as possible. my mum then told me to get the gym, i had no breakfast and was sick and did not enjoy the gym. i then was taken home and my parents spoke to me and reinforced the fact that they would make my life a misery and disown me if i changed my name to lily, and because i felt so threatened and they made me feel so upset i said to them ok, i wont change my name, sorry and then they hugged me and said i am their daughter again. I then found the opportunity to inform my social worker about what had happened because i was not happy that i had to back down my happiness to protect myself from being told i am worthless more and she told me that my parents should never speak to me like this and should support me regardless as i am a lovely person and my choice to legally change my name is entirely my choice, especially as i am an adult and have explained my responsibilities and mean no disrespect and that i am sensible. She told me lily is a beautiful name and is not that different to chloe, and that my parents should never ever threaten me or hit me and that i should definitely sign the deedpoll as i really want to. so i signed the deedpoll with her without telling my parents or family but my friends all support me and are happy for me and tell me i did the right thing and all call me lily. I have used my new name for applying to my job, i am changing the name on my bank to lily and also my dvla and passport. My parents introduce me as chloe to new people, but in reality i am legally lily and it makes me so sad that daily they call me chloe and i feel too scared to tell them that i am lily and that others know me by my old name. Today i went out for a coffee with my mum and she loudly announced me as chloe to someone she knew and i was so hurt i did not speak to her in the car, and she screamed to cheer up and i said i am fine and she said crying is unacceptable. I have been crying my eyes out to day and am struggling to cope at home, my social worker is not available at the moment but i left her a message to let her know what has happened. we are meeting up together on march 15th to discuss moving out, which i strongly wish to because i believe it is the way for me to embgrace my true self and not feel like i am worthless, as each day my parents look down on me and get cross at em for small things, ever since i change my name and i cry each day i wake up as i fear what my parents will say to me and that i am so scared they shall find out my name change.

Thank you for reading, i hope you understand how i feel and support me too may i ask can you help me with these worries i have as i am just stuck on what to do. may i ask do you think i should wait to update my documents with DVLA until i move out or do it now? i have contacted them about my issue but they said they do not know how to  help me sorry. My worry is is because i am a learner driver with a provisional licence, i am having my dad instruct and i am scared that if i submit my change of name to DVLA this will automatically show up on insurance with veygo by admiral or my parents will discover it and i was planning on keeping this hidden until i move out to protect myself from being hurt, yet i just want to get the documents all done and out the way and this is holding me up. May i ask also, for changing my name on my national insurance, will my parents be able to see this? i cannot find answers for this either and am too scared to inform HRMC incase they update my name and my parents see it.  I have contacted royal to keep my post held at the post office and explained my issue to them. this is so that my parents will not see my new name of lily on my bank statements or post that comes through, and i just go and collect it weekly myself when i go out to see my friends ( i am only allowed out once a week).  I have also booked an appointment at my local bank in 2 weeks time to get my debit card changed to my new name of Lily. may  ask will my parents be able to see i have changed my name on my financial statements? This is another worry i have, i am unsure whether or not i should wait until i move out to get this done too. i thank you so much if you can help me with these questions and cannot thank you enough for your support and send all my blessings to you x

Former Member

Hey Lily (and a warm welcome to you bud ),

This was painful to read. Much love to you bud

I repeat what your social worker said to you: The way your parents have acted is not okay at all, and you in no way deserve that. I'm so sorry they treat you like this Plus it's not at all disrespectful or selfish to change your name. Kathleen's my middle name that I go by (and I'm planning to legally make it my first name), just 'cause I prefer it. And it sounds like you've actually been completely the opposite of disrespectful. I may not know you, but I can definitely tell you seem like a lovely person. You're none of the things they've called you. I don't know why your parents are so cruel, but I promise that it has nothing to do with you xo

I think it's a positive plan to discuss moving out - it sounds like that would benefit you a lot.

If you're concerned your parents will find out if you update your documents with DVLA, I guess I'd recommend waiting until you move out to update them. I totally understand wanting to just get it over with But on the other hand, it sounds like it could be risky and that waiting is the best way to protect yourself. But it's up to you - how do you feel? Are you leaning towards one option a little more than the other?

I'm afraid I don't know for sure if your parents will be able to see your name change on insurance/financial statements. I hope someone else can tell you. Maybe wait to change stuff like that, too?

Sorry I'm not of help - but wanted to show all my support. We're here for you Lily

Former Member

Hello @kathleen0172 , it is lovely to meet you!

I thank you so much for supporting me through this problem, it was so difficult to type this but i am glad i did because i truly need help and am finding my life at home so difficult and i cannot bear the pain of crying daily knowing I have to hide my self from my parents to protect me, when all i want to do is embrace whom I am and be loved unconditionally I am so glad that you understand what I am going through and that changing your name is normal and not a mental health issue and a horrible thing to do. Plus I think kathleen is a beautiful name thank you so much for your kind compliments, they mean alot to me! You are correct, i cannot control how they feel about me, i just wish they would be more understanding and support me as i am their daughter, and i am constantly doing everything i can to please them and it is never enough

My social worker just called me back and I am going to see if i can meet up with her tomorrow because she said she doesn't like to hear me upset and wants to help me. I truly do want to move out but do not know how i shall tell my parents- that is something she will help me with I am sure. I know they will straight up disown me as i mentioned moving out and they screamed at me and called me stupid saying i will be wasting my money on rent, but i will have enough to spend on myself as i calculated. They expect me to live here for 2 years and i feel like i cannot live here for that long with their lack of support

Oh kathleen, i am very anxious about this and i thank you so much for your advice, i have told them of my issue so at least they know even though i have not submitted my deedpoll to them and they say i dont know what i can do to help. i think you are right, i should move out first as i cannot possibly tell as to whether or not they will find out, and I know if they find out it would be hell because i have not even secured anywhere to move out and do not even have my job yet i so wish i could get it all done, it is a shame that i cannot find an answer to this question and also an answer to the HRMC, so i think for now i should not tell national insurance of my name change either. I hope someone can inform kathleen as it would be excellent!

You have helped me signifcantly with your caring reply and understanding and advice, i feel so happy that you support me as does this community. i cannot thank you enough and i send my blessings and love to you