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When your new & when it’s new
Former Member
Posts: 177 Helping Hand
Doing something different, putting yourself out there all to see is a really scary thing to do.
When you’ve been beaten down to virtually nothing building yourself up just tires you out.
its like fighting someone else’s fight when it’s as a result of someone taking things from you.
Simple things like observing laughter, witnessing friendships formed, I guess seeing genuine enjoyment of life can hurt you in such a way like a real doom right in the pit of your stomach.
Thats not because people are happy or having fun, it’s because your not worth it, the outsider, the miserable one, the freak, the lost soul, the feeling stupid or embarrassed and fearful Incase people don’t like you, fear of judgment for if you do laugh you might get into trouble.
The not knowing how to be yourself because of not knowing who you are, the stolen identity.
the writing in third person because your (I am) ashamed & embarrassed of myself again... & because I’m just to vulnerable and scared to be myself anymore.
Keeping myself contained, I laugh through my daughter because she will never be me, but a happy, content, strong little girl, the little one laughs for me for now.
I will always be sorry for who and what I am to the rest of the world, I will never be sorry to my little girl because she is my sunshine on every rainy day & touches my heart and soul more than anyone, she masks over and heals the damaged parts of me psychologically.
to everyone else I can only say that I’m sorry
When you’ve been beaten down to virtually nothing building yourself up just tires you out.
its like fighting someone else’s fight when it’s as a result of someone taking things from you.
Simple things like observing laughter, witnessing friendships formed, I guess seeing genuine enjoyment of life can hurt you in such a way like a real doom right in the pit of your stomach.
Thats not because people are happy or having fun, it’s because your not worth it, the outsider, the miserable one, the freak, the lost soul, the feeling stupid or embarrassed and fearful Incase people don’t like you, fear of judgment for if you do laugh you might get into trouble.
The not knowing how to be yourself because of not knowing who you are, the stolen identity.
the writing in third person because your (I am) ashamed & embarrassed of myself again... & because I’m just to vulnerable and scared to be myself anymore.
Keeping myself contained, I laugh through my daughter because she will never be me, but a happy, content, strong little girl, the little one laughs for me for now.
I will always be sorry for who and what I am to the rest of the world, I will never be sorry to my little girl because she is my sunshine on every rainy day & touches my heart and soul more than anyone, she masks over and heals the damaged parts of me psychologically.
to everyone else I can only say that I’m sorry
4
Comments
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As @Shaunie said, you do not need to be sorry for who you are, especially not here. We're here for you x