Vulnerabilities

Former Member

I sat at work today and could feel my heart racing, my eyes and self becoming really unfocused, I felt dizzy, hot, scared.
Thoughts/memories took over my mind, I took my socks off and tried to feel my feet firmly flat on the floor, to focus on my surroundings, all’s I could see was a little girl stood in the middle of a room with no clothes on, and his hands, dirty hands, that last memory of him telling me horrible things about myself, names. Poison coming out of his mouth. Took advantage of a little girls innocence. 
It stopped when my work colleague was sat saying my name which I didn’t realise. don’t know of it was the horribleness which brought me out of it or my colleague. 
I know what happened next but I’m not ready to say it now, was it my mind that took me out of that memory? 
Vulnerability is keeping me trapped, stopping me from saying what I need to say, I do need to say it, still my secret, still trapped.
The thing I wanted and I thought straight after was a hug, someone to hold my hand, to just be held is a little girl not an adult and I’ve been that way ever since.
now I feel stupid and embarrassed and like a freak!
How do you allow yourself to be vulnerable, to move past the fear? 

Former Member

Hi Natalie

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened at work yesterday, that sounds really horrible. It's good that you tried to ground yourself, that's a really good technique when you're feeling overwhelmed, although it sounds like it didn't work so well for you yesterday?

You mentioned that there's something you want to say but you don't feel ready. It's okay to take your time with these things, there's no rush to share, but we'll be here if you do want to talk about it some more.

You definitely don't need to feel stupid or embarrassed about what happened, it wasn't your fault. How are you feeling today?


Caroline

Former Member

@Past User 

Thank you for your words.

The last time I remember feeling this low was when I was 17 after the last time he hurt me, the dark thoughts in my mind are running so fast, from one bad thought to the next it’s like running side by side to a car travelling fast and trying to stop yourself but not being able to, is how I can describe my thoughts.
I flit from having a bad memory which are again just as intense as when it was happening, the same flashback for the past three nights, to panic attacks with my heart racing, being unable to catch my breath, it’s like being trapped, as trapped as I felt when it was happening, being unable to move or to stop it, then not wanting to be here anymore is almost the same as wishing I stopped breathing when it was happening.
My biggest fear now is losing control when I had control of myself, my emotions, I can never have control when I feel this vulnerable.
 
Sorry for going in and thank you for being here 

Siena

Hey Natalie

So sorry youre feeling so low and having flashbacks. 

What i have learnt about being vunerable after abuse is mostly about trust. Not only do abusers take away your trust from others - they take it from yourself. Esp when its from someone youre meant to trust. Personally for me aswell as feeling vunerable and unsafe around some people - i also am constantly thinking if i trust my judgement in the people i am around & if i am in safe place. when we can learn to trust ourself & what we think - we can end up trustin people.

We all want to feel we have control over ourselves. But also want to be protected and safe. So i do get why you say you want to feel like a child not adult. - thats not embarrassing. It makes sense. 
I hope you can find ways you can get same feelings of what you feel is missing in some form. 

So sorry if ive made no sense ah

Former Member

Thanks Shaunie you have made total sense and understand where I am coming from.

Thank you for your words, the trust thing needs a bit of work. It is a dark and lonely place, helped by having this outlet but sometimes can be so frustrating when you talk and it makes things worse. 

Thanks - I hope your well?