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Hurt

tkdogtkdog Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
Feels like all the people i know are hurting me to some extent, but if i withdraw then it might hurt me even more. There are people who are just negative all the time and or those who drain my energy so i cant talk with others. Then there is the guy who seems like he is only trying to get with me or something and is full of bullshit, i tried to be nice to him but what i get in return is.. 
There are others but I don't get round to talking to much. I regret deleting my fb account partly, because i lost some super important contacts although i couldnt really bear having an fb account any longer because of the general negativity on that site. I just feel disconnected and super distant from everything. I feel lonely and hurt. I don't have the energy to do much as i feel dragged down and i keeping thinking negatively because i closed myself off to a lot of things that made me feel bad in the first place ;/ 
I spend a fair amount of time studying for stuff, but i do try to do other stuff too. I hope to make things better soon but right now it just hurts.

peachysoo

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie No one. England 🏠Posts: 3,839 Ultimate Poster
    edited October 2018

    Hey, welcome


    I can relate & i wish i had good advice for this. 

    Hope soemone else comments.


    But i hear you &  how isolating yousrelf & shutting down from others can feel so disconnected. Its really hard & painfuly lonely.I shut myself down fron others too. And i guess is about trying to find the right balance. Like it is okay to even want to spend time with certain people in small doses if you feel their personality is overwhelming & draining or v negative. — I personally find spending some time by myself, from some people, & recharge muself -to then sometimes want to be with others.

     And Is okay to be alone & in own space but to some extent-we are all naturally socialable. —So Think is important to find out things like- how is ‘everyone hurting you’ & what you fear so much. For me i feel literally i am distant because people hurt me, people leave, or do something that hurts. But what is more painful is Lonlieness. And even though i know being by myself is horrible, some how it just seems easier & protecting myself but reality is it hurts & isnt & think is cause i have no energy aswell & probably cause i have depression & social anxiety. 


    Im sorry youre hurting so much:(But Im glad you have posted here, don't keep that heavy stuff bottled up. Have you got anyone you trust you can talk to this about; family, friend or even gp? Hope you know youre not completly alone. It feels so lonely but ironically not alone with how youre feeling & there are people who wanna help & care.  


    I hope youre feeling okay today

    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    Mikepeachysoo
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 497 Rampant Poster
    Hey @tkdog

    How are you feeling today? Sounds like you're having some pretty confusing feelings about the people around you and I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting. Well done for posting here, I hope we can help somehow <3

    It sounds like you have lost touch with some people through deleting FB that you might have otherwise wanted to stay in touch with? (I understand why you deleted it btw, totally agree that it's full of negativity) I deleted Instagram and Snapchat recently and don't keep in touch with people as much because of it. Are there a few people from FB that you could talk to over the phone, be it Whatsapp or a call or something? 

    Echoing @Shaunie here, if you have someone you feel like you can talk to about any of this then I'd encourage you to try. We are always here for you too of course :smile:

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    peachysoo
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
    Thanks for the replies. 

    I'm somewhat feeling better I guess but I'm still feeling both down lot, even though sometimes a lot better..
    I kinda feel betrayed by my so called online friends, but I guess they weren't really friends to begin with. I think I might have to cut out more of them, even though was talking about meeting irl because they don't live so far away (they are safe ofc dun worry and i'd only meet in public place.) I guess I will give them a chance, but I really don't want to get dragged down by others. 
    I talk to a few people, on the course I study on which I started recently. Well some individuals do have a bit draining personality so sometimes its not so great, though when its good its good, some people are nice, but thats only part of my day which i talk to them. 
    Yea it's all about balance, and stuff ,which I don't really seem to get. I often have a lot of time at home where I feel sad. I don't really wanna go out with random people I don't like especially since they always ask me to travel so far, because i'm not physically feeling that good either (medical issue which i've had trouble getting the gps to take seriously but they are doing something about it kinda.. i'm on some long waiting list...) its not something I want to do. I guess i just dunno what to do with my life. Being at home makes me feel empty, but I don't wanna travel far, i feel ill and i just feel uncertain. The thing is if I had a genuinely good friend (that is face to face) to talk about these things with... well I probably wouldn't need to talk about these things, as I would feel better. 

    With facebook it's mainly one person (or well a few others too I also miss), technically I don't have any of their details, though I think they may still be in some group chats i am in but.. I would have to pull their details from the group and to me that feels kinda creepy. I guess i'm kind of getting over it now...
    One thing, I definitely cannot re-make facebook, at least with the same people again, because it really makes me feel so bad... And even if I did I don't have the confidence to reach out to people, I don't even think they really like me or something. I don't really like social media in general, but particularly facebook and wanted to deleted it for a long time.. People always posted things that made me feel left out or angry. And no one would look at what I posted, not that I really did, but I could tell the algorithm didn't favour my posts.

    I guess one of the things I do right now is study, but I don't really feel like doing it, or well maybe I dedicate too much time for study instead I should probably just have study slots, except i cant think of anything to do in between anyway.. I have to travel quite far for my classes so that usually puts me in not a great mood. And i've been kinda scared about some email i sent because I wrote some stuff that sounded a bit off, idk why but I often feel panic opening emails which are important, which is weird. But yeah I suppose things are better..? maybe.
    Shauniepeachysoo
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,379 Moderator
    Some wise words from @Shaunie and @Lucy307 here. :)

    Getting that balance of social contact can be really tough if you have a lot of other reasons not to socialise (whether they're mental, physical, emotional, etc). Meeting new people can feel so taxing, as well - it's one thing to hang out with someone you have an established relationship with, but it can feel like a herculean task to make new connections. Add work or study into the mix and it can be even harder to muster up the energy, particularly if you're introverted. Personally, I experienced this when I relocated.

    This might sound like an odd suggestion, but have you explored dating apps at all? A lot of them have settings you can change where you can say you're looking for friendship, and it can be a relatively stress-free way of making new connections. Unlike meetup apps or social groups, it doesn't bring an obligation to go anywhere physically, which can be nice if you have trouble getting around or fitting things around other commitments.

    How have things been since you last updated us, @tkdog? Loneliness can be a pretty debilitating thing, so well done for talking about it here. It's cool to see you being open and getting some support. :) 
    this too shall pass
    peachysoo
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
    I'm kinda better I guess yeah i've been talking to more ppl lately so thats good. It changes things. I dunno if any of these people can be considered like close friends or ppl i can go to and that but its good and all. Im not great at developing these connections further though, and i usually end up offending someone or feeling left out for being different e.g. not drinking. still feel insecure and its only a small part of my day that i get to talk. And eventually i may screw up. The rest of the day at home can be lonely, although i have my parents and that which is nice.

    Also i might have upset the person i hang around with during lectures by talking to other ppl and treating him bad? (Sort of, i guess he kind of hurt me too) in addition, i was super jealous because he was talking to my crush a lot and getting very close to them, although i guess i somewhat realise that they (my crush) are probably not for me.. That person i hang out with i feel like im using him a bit.. and i feel guilty, i feel like its not going to end well..
    I haven't tried dating apps but its probably not for me i figured, i guess i don't like giving up too much info on a profile like that. Although i would still like to connect with more people like me.
    I have met people on similar apps before from time to time theyve been alright i guess but usually only for a brief chat. 

  • peachysoopeachysoo Posts: 151 The Mix convert
    Hey tkdog,

    Have things (particularly regarding the people you hang out with and your crush) started getting a bit better recently? I'm really sorry to hear about how you've been feeling. I think I can definitely relate with how you think and feel on quite a few things you've mentioned; loneliness and feelings of isolation can be really scary and hard to cope with, and I don't think it'll ever get easy to live with these feelings, but they are temporary feelings, just like other feelings, and I think we can grow to be more able to cope with it.

    I think when you mentioned social media I have also had the exact same thoughts. Beyond the worries that people ignore my posts, I've often felt really left out and invisible when I see people post when they go out with each other or have parties and don't invite me, especially when I thought I was quite close friends with them and I see people there that I never really see talking with them (not sure how well I verbalised this, sorry). Reflecting on it, and typing it out now, I think that maybe I sound a bit silly: I still feel like I might value my relationships with others than they do with me, but I haven't considered that maybe others might just have good relationships with others that they pursue in ways I just don't see. Regardless, I think it's normal to feel hurt seeing this. There's no way you wouldn't, and I think it's fine to feel this way - it's better to acknowledge how you are feeling than try disregard it. 

    Even so, I do believe that social media can be very toxic, beyond what it can do to self-esteem and body image, but in terms of relationships, as ironic as it sounds. Maybe we can become too reliant on social media as a form of communicating with others, or maybe it will harm how we view our relationships with others, and so sometimes it is best just to delete/inactivate our accounts. As you said, this might mean we lose touch with certain people. Is there any other way for you to still talk with these people? Another form of social media, email, phone, or in person?

    Again, I think I can also relate to how you feel with focusing on your studies. I think that when I immerse myself in studying (because my anxiety won't let me rest otherwise), I start neglecting other aspects of my life, especially socially. I stopped several hobbies to focus on school, and in doing so, lost touch with a significant number of my close friends. In doing so, I did end up strengthening my relationships with other people (e.g. school friends), but it's not perfect or ideal. I like to think that things do happen for a reason, and prioritising studying is not a bad thing at all, because it can be very important depending on your aims. What is most important is having a healthy balance though. Please learn from my losses, because I feel like I might have lost myself a bit in studying, and give yourself some time outside of school and to be able to still connect with others when you can.

    Completely agree with what I've read above here, and I'd like to also suggest maybe taking part in clubs or activities so that you can maybe meet people with similar interests that way? I'm sorry I can't suggest or help much more, but I'm sending you my positive energy so that we can both get through these situations together!

    -peachysoo
    tkdog
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
    @peachysoo
    Heya,
    Well things are improving definitely at least from the first post I made, (I also cut off someone during that time since they kinda made me unhappy) but since the last post I guess I improved things a little bit.
    I guess I was just a bit jealous with my friend talking to my crush. I don't blame him in anyway though, in fact i'm kind of glad they are getting along I guess that is quite nice for them. Even if it felt as if he kind of used me to talk to her. If anything now the negative feelings at my crush because I do feel like she hates me somehow. Maybe it's normal to imagine things.

    With social media I suppose, for me when I saw people go to parties and stuff I sort of just blanked it out, because I was so distant from most of it (also being a non drinker and such). It was weird to see other aspects of peoples lives on fb (and people you didn't notice as much as you said) and it felt like I was being intrusive or something. Always felt uncomfortable to me. Even though fb is useful to find events  and to talk to those few people I did care about/need to reach.  I mainly rely on whatsapp now, but I always prefer talking to people face to face, so with those people who a far in terms of distance, to be honest, I don't even know if its worth keeping contact  if I don't see them again.. or I guess I wasn't as close to them as I thought to begin with. 


    I do wish I had someone just to go to the cafe or something, on occasion, just to chat (I mean there are people but not sure if the right sort). It would be nice to do something else for once, for me studying the primary way i connect with people at the moment, since everyone likes to help each other out. Also I think my studies are about to get even harder as workload increases, so I do want to put like effort into them. I'd join a club or something but i'm not sure of any good ones I like (i'm not sure I want to join a club which is mostly just about studying like some are) and I don't like travelling around too much as it drains me more.  I guess I'm feeling better though so it's alright, even though I still tend to feel lonely. Best wishes to you too.

  • ShaunieShaunie No one. England 🏠Posts: 3,839 Ultimate Poster
    Im so gladto hear things have impoved since your last post and is good youre thinking of ways to feel less lonely & speaking to more people - can take lots of time to develop closer friendships. - Can you ask to meet these people more regulaly like asking them if wanna meet up in a cafe?

    I think is only natural to get jelous sometimes but try not to let that feeling ruin any of the relationships and if youre scared of screwing up any relationship - then hopeful you can communicate your worries & work on things so doesnt end

    Keep us updated on how things are going if youd like
    hope youre okay

    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
    tkdog
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
    Thanks,
    I wish I could ask people to meet at a cafe or something. I'm not so great at asking though. There was a group of people that wanted me to come along with them kinda, but i couldn't exactly abandon my friend for that. I have that one friend i could hang out with (well i do already somewhat but usually in between class), but i sorta wanna get to know others more and ive been feeling conflicted with that. I guess I can only try and do what is possible.
    And yeah i guess better communication always helps.
    I don't quite understand the communication style of my crush though, she speaks like quite seriously sometimes and is hard to talk to. I can't read between the lines in her case, how she feels is hard to pick up, though i get a hint of negativity each time on whatever i say, which she doesn't give to my friend... 
    I speak with a more light hearted tone and well i can't help but tell jokes to make things less awkward but it makes it worse.. or i just look like a fool lol. 
    someone suggested that she was probably shy.. I can talk easily to my friend though and other people are not so hard to talk to at least intitally. So I guess I will just leave things be for now as it just more stressful. 
    I will probably post more if things change.
    Shaunie
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
    Thought I will post here just as an update. Things have been going semi well. Hectic but well interesting at least. Study term ended now. During term time i did lose a few friends and have some arguments.
    But i did make some more and get close to some.
    Im too awkward to like ask ppl to hang out ever though at least from my side and everyone is busy anyway.
    There is one person who i feel is trying to get too close to me however and i kind of find that uncomfortable, i don't really like that. It feels forced and yuck. I don't have anything personally against i suppose just super uncomfortable.
    The term has been draining for me and im glad its over tbh though i do miss some people.
    Ive got decent amount of coursework which im struggling on, particularly one coursework because it takes a lot of understanding and figuring out.. not really sure what will happen with that. It's kind of stressful to think about even though it is interesting work.

    A lot of things im just thinking of cutting out from my life because i feel like they are holding me down.
    Ive been thinking of getting rid of instagram for a while now.
    It doesnt make me happy but well im not sure i should cut of my last connection to certain ppl. I guess i will figure it out soon. And want to prioritise. Its hard to work and spend time on things i like when so many things about but i feel its better to have lots of things to do then nothing at all.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 497 Rampant Poster

    Hey @tkdog


    Great to hear things are going ok, how's the coursework going now? Hope you've managed to get a bit of a break over xmas. It's good to hear you have made some more friends and are starting to get close to some too. I hear you that one of them feels a bit forced, we all feel like that sometimes - does it feel forced from their side or yours? You don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable <3


    I think I mentioned before that I deleted Instagram myself while I was at uni as I felt it was a bit showy and I do think 'ignorance is bliss' with regards to a lot of the things I was seeing on there - like people having 'more' fun / 'better' lives (my interpretation which wasn't healthy!). I probably have lost a bit of connection from there but tbh I make an effort with people I want to. What else are you thinking about prioritising?



    - Lucy

    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    tkdog
  • tkdogtkdog Posts: 25 Cool Newbie
    The coursework is ok i guess.. still need to do it though lol well I'm working on it xP
    I sorta got a break over xmas even though its been stressful health problems and all. And after a while the lack of structure that you get kind of is offputting for me. Still I feel a lot better in terms of being able to socialise with people again I think.

    I guess with the forces thing it feels kinda like I said too much and now the person got interested more than anything and wanting to find out more and more about me. For me it feels like mostly just being latched onto too much and I guess i just want more space and that because they make it harder for me to approach others when im not that interested. And the fact that im the one doing 90 per cent of the talking which is all about me and i never hear anything about them even when i ask is offputting.
    I can't really help blurt out everything about myself i guess o-o It feels like im talking to an wall who is somehow able to ask more questions but block out everything else (im not sure thats a good analogy oops)
    But I guess i just want to make things work better for me more than anything.

    Instagram has usually been a bit better than fb for me the problem is everyone on it is from ages ago and people im not particularly interested in so it feels like the past. Which kind of makes me feel pretty sad, because reminders I guess and I feel I let down so many people and I'm unwanted blah blah. I do agree though instagram can be like showy and things that you probably don't need to look at.  Yeah its better to reach out to people who are important.
    I'm prioritising working on creative projects I have in mind although study and stuff still comes first. And resting.
  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 1,189 Fanatical Poster
    That's positive Tk :) it's important to prioritise and make sure you don't get run down xo
    It's great that you feel better able to socialize with people now, but take it slow :)

    We're always here xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 


    "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older" ~ Avicii

    "
    All I do is sit and think about you If I choose then I lose.
    Distract my brain from the terrible news
    It's not living if it's not with you" ~ The 1975

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    tkdog
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