Sexual assault?? What do i do?

Former Member

Hi, Im looking for some advice.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. And a while ago we had an incident. He appeared to get very drunk and decided that night, when walking me to the station to pull me behind a tree in a quiet place. He then started to try and touch me to which I said no, his response to this was to then push me down onto my knees, and to put it politely, get me to please a certain place, although he got it out in front of me, he did not force as such, just held me down, and wasn’t nasty with it, I now believe this was due to how drunk he was, and after a while gave up. I then brought up this issue with him the next day and as he remembered he was horrified. He says he was very drunk and didn’t know what he was doing, he said he wanted the moment to be out of love and nice, and his thought process that night was he wanted to please me, but then assumed I would want to please him after rejecting his ‘offer’, he also claims he did not hear me telling him no as he was so out of his mind drunk. I feel I should note that my boyfriend has dyspraxia, and of course we don’t know how that mixes with alcohol. He was also very immature, with other immature incidents occurring both when drunk and sober, however nothing of this sexual nature.

It has been a while since this happened and my boyfriend has been trying absolutley everything to make this right, including stopping drinking, help and possible solutions, proving he never meant it and it wouldn’t happen again. He has also matured quite a lot too, and is trying to fix as much as possible.

Here is where I ask for advice. Since this event happened a while ago, we have tried almost everything possible between us, however it hasn’t really helped my thoughts and feelings. First of all, the event has left me quite confused, as he is such a sweet caring person who clearly loves me very much and I know wouldn’t purposely hurt me, and even the incident wasn’t done out of bad intent, which makes it all the more questionable and confusing as to why it took place that night. Second of all it has left me feeling betrayed and also a lot of trust has been lost because of this and I really don’t know what to do, as along with the trust, feelings of love have also altered a little and I want to get them back. I also question if I was right or wrong to stay with him, as I don’t want to break up, and want to fix it and make it work, however I am in a lot of pain and fear for the future, if it will happen again if he drinks, if he’d do something different or worse, and I also seem to get flashbacks of the event. Not to mention this also brings him a great deal of pain

I am aware that this site may not be able to help or answer this message, however if anyone could at least give any form of help, their opinion, or next step ideas, I would be most grateful. I will also note my boyfriend has also posted his version of events too.

Former Member

hi thank you for posting this as i can see you r struggling and need help im a 14 year old girl and hearing this makes me feel for you a lot as you obviously r struggling pease tell somebody like sexline as we carnt do much and talk to him k bless you bye for now xoxo

Siena

Hey

im sorry youre feeling this way. 

i think you need to break up with your boyfriend. I have read his post too and will post reply to it - about why i think that. But that is just my opinion and dont know your whole relationship so hard to give opinions. 

But also think that maybe you should see someone about how this is making you feel and for the flashbacks. Like your gp. Or finding a way to get coulselling so they can help you understand this all as seems confused to you. They can help you process your feelings so maybe you can heal from this. 

Former Member

I'm very sorry that this happened. 

As @Shaunie mentioned, since you are having flashbacks of the event, you may be able to get support for this for yourself by first going to a GP. It may help if you do this alone rather than with him due to the context.

From what I can tell, he has learned from his mistake, and the fact that he feels guilty about you having flashbacks tells me that he wouldn't do it again, even if he was drunk. I nonetheless completely understand why it's made you lose some trust in him. 

But what it comes down to at the end of the day is how you feel about him. It is for you to decide whether you still love him or not. You mentioned that you would like to have your feelings back, and this may happen, if you eventually begin to trust him again. It is not easy to decide this (I have been in that position myself), but the fact that you have got to this point means it's a decision you need to make. If you didn't have any feelings for him but chose to stay with him, then that would be bad for both of you.

There is a question I have - this happened 1-2 years ago. Would you say that you have gradually lost some of your feelings for him over a long period of time, or did it happen quickly after the incident?

There's also something which I might say is inconsistent between your and his versions of events, which is how you have felt about this. You said that "it has left me feeling betrayed and also a lot of trust has been lost because of this and I really don’t know what to do, as along with the trust, feelings of love have also altered a little", whereas he said "we have still managed to maintain many happy days and moments together, I do believe we do still love each other very much". You might think that they are consistent, and that's fine, I just thought I'd point it out.

I wish you all the best.

Former Member

Hi @Jawface

To answer your questions,

The feelings were lost over a period of time. At first i was so confused and shocked i didn't know what to think. And i kept most things i felt to myself a little while. I asked why he did it first of all, and then over time it settled and the triggers and flashbacks and emotions began to slowly surface until one dau i sort of exploded abd explained everything as it was tearing me apart. After a shortish while it seemed i was still left with these triggers and flashbacks etc. That can happen at any time. 

With this in mind,  regarding happy moments and how i feel. We are trying to work through it and i think i can believe he wouldn't do it again, however for me it doesn't give me answerd why it really happened in the first place, and we do seem to have some daus where we have a nice day, however these days can stil ne filled with triggers and such. I suppise we are trying to fight thks and make it better and he wants to show me i can trust him and gakn these wavering feelings though having nice days where no bad happens etc. Showing he wouldn't do it again. However at the moment for me at least, it doesn't 100% work as i will alwaus come back to triggers and feelings. Even if inthe moment i manage to gef destracted from them for a short while. He knows this and we are trying to figure it out

Hope that makes sense,

Thank you for commenting xx

Former Member

I think it would be best if you sought professional help for your trauma, before deciding whether you can move forward with him. It may be helpful to take some time apart from each other, or to see each other less, for a period of time while you figure out how your brain has reacted to this.

I hope things can get better for both of you.