Just hate myself
I just feel like i am not getting very far. & am just so fed up now of thinking the same things & just suicidal. I dont like being in my own body - which seems like the most frustating &!agigating feeling & i know part of me felt some closure when the person who raped me admitted it was forced. Made me feel like if he sees it as forced too then it cant be my fault. & to read felt some valid feelings. But still disgusting & have found myself thinking about it less since he admitted it but i feel that is wrong. I just keep getting urges to admit & confess to things i have done - like i am admitting a crime or something but it is just literally something i was forced to do and something i felt i had 0 contorl over- so i get confused myself - on why i hate myself. But feel alone with what happened & is not something that know has happened to soemone else so i just feel like soemthing must be wrong with me to let it happen. Apperently wanting to talk about what happened & trauma but then not at the same time- can be normal & couselling suppose to help but dont feel worthy for that. And i should start that after therapy finishes.
I just feel like i need constant reassurance that i am not disgusting but i havent learnt how to give that to myself. I just think about new ways to die constantly and feel unsafe sometimes.
Even just drinking water or anything - just makes me feel disgusting as that is even partrelated to trauma & triggers me and am so fed up. And just dont think anyone understands. So it just seem all so pathetic to read 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
But i dont have any friends causei cant even keep in contact with anyoen because am distant and dk how to change that or if i can but am so alone so whats the point anymore.
I Have one sesson of group DBT left on friday whcih am quite sad about and then im not really sure what happens after that. But i see my CC on thursday
i am not getting anywhere, feel horrible and alone and am confused. And just feel like death is the only escape. Feel like self hate will be the death of me