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Just hate myself

ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
(i am so sorry, i did say to myself i will never post another thread that is specifcally seeking support for myself but yeah didnt last that long, Dont feel worthy for peoples time. And probs fed up of same pathetic shit.(iam anyway) This doesnt need a reply. But i just feel so awful &alone :()

I just feel like i am not getting very far. & am just so fed up now of thinking the same things & just suicidal. I dont like being in my own body - which seems like the most frustating &!agigating feeling & i know part of me felt some closure when the person who raped me admitted it was forced. Made me feel like if he sees it as forced too then it cant be my fault. & to read felt some valid feelings. But still disgusting & have found myself thinking about it less since he admitted it but i feel that is wrong. I just keep getting urges to admit & confess to things i have done - like i am admitting a crime or something but it is just literally something i was forced to do and something i felt i had 0 contorl over-  so i get confused myself - on why i hate myself.  But feel alone with what happened & is not something that know has happened to soemone else so i just feel like soemthing must be wrong with me to let it happen. Apperently wanting to talk about what happened & trauma but then not at the same time-  can be normal & couselling suppose to help but dont feel worthy for that. And i should start that after therapy finishes.

I just feel like i need constant reassurance that i am not disgusting but i havent learnt how to give that to myself. I just think about new ways to die constantly and feel unsafe sometimes. 

Even just drinking water or anything - just makes me feel disgusting as that is even partrelated to trauma & triggers me and am so fed up. And just dont think anyone understands. So it just seem all so pathetic to read 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

But i dont have any friends causei cant even keep in contact with anyoen because am distant and dk how to change that or if i can but am so alone so whats the point anymore. 

I Have one sesson of group DBT left on friday whcih am quite sad about and then im not really sure what happens after that. But i see my CC on thursday

Basically ;
i am not getting anywhere, feel horrible and alone  and am confused. And just feel like death is the only escape. Feel like self hate will be the death of me


“If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
LaineLucy307Aidanpeachysoo

Comments

  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Horse HuggerPosts: 612 Extreme Poster
    Oh Shaunie I'm ever so sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

    I've never been great with words but I've also never been a reader and runner.

    I ready want you to know it's okay that you want reassurance and you feel this way,  things are hard and nobody will ever be able to imagine what you're going through.

    But we are here for you always 💕

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 


    "So wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older" ~ Avicii

    "The months go by and I only feel worse,  try to forget the ones who forgot you first"  ~ Man Overboard


    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 332 Rampant Poster
    Echoing @Laine here, it's hard to hear you are feeling like this but we're all here for you and will support you always. It's totally fine to start a thread about yourself, we all do it and we learn from each other. You will be helping others by just talking as well as hopefully going some way to helping yourself.

    You are a lovely person and I hope you can accept that at some point. You know it's going to take time but you don't deserve to be suffering in this way. I wish I could make it better for you <3

    Sending you love and hugs and hoping you feel a little better this afternoon. 

    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 43 Moderator
    Hey @Shaunie ;

    Would like to begin by saying that you should always feel able to start a thread on whatever topic you'd like and it's good to see that you did feel able to write this one. 

    When you talk about having these urges to confess about things, are these just in your every day experiences or are they also coming across in dreams?? 

    Also, it is completely natural to feel like you need reassurance, and hopefully that could be one of the functions of these boards? I understand that you may not have any friends to talk to, but do you have any family members (auntis, uncles, cousins, or grandparents) that might be able to offer you some support? 

    Everyone wants to hear how you are doing, and we all care about you sincerely. Keep your head up, and let us all know how the final DBT goes :) 
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    Thank you all :)

    i dont feel like have anyone else to speak to within my family either

    i had my appiontment with my CC today and after DBT, i have 15 weeks of “changes” group. Which is like working on occupational stuff with more OTs. The DBT group was 6 weeks so another 15 weeks is quite a lot. Apperently she told me before but my memory is so bad lol. And i mean sounds like could help but kinda confused on how can do that stuff with a group. And how can i get on with my life when i am still feeling so shit. Like Where do i even get the motivation. :(

    feeling really shitty today :’(
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    Hi Shaunie,
    Firstly, if you felt unworthy of people's time then why would you post requesting for support? You are worthy of our time, just as everybody is. Please try not to feel unworthy, you know that you are not.

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way and it is clear and obvious that you're struggling with this, naturally. I'm glad you are receiving support and in the care of services. Last sessions of anything can be difficult and I understand and can relate to that-I hope the last session of the DBT goes well. What have you learnt and picked up from it?

    Keep talking and reqeusting the support if it helps.x
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    edited October 12

    if you felt unworthy of people's time then why would you post requesting for support? 
    The attention seeker who needs reassurance that theyre not unworthy

    And Cause am a total fuck up who cant help burden. And cause i feel alone & awful. But thanks
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    edited October 12
    Dont expect anyon to reply to me after this as is detailed and i wouldnt know what to say if was someone else just want somewhere to share (i aint saying that for attention either,) but apprecate if do


    But Tbh i didnt like my last session of DBT today.

    I was late cause of shitty buses so made it worse. Yesterday i saw CC and she was asking how i was finding it and i said that its made me think i dont hve BPD as its seems as everyone only deals with the emotion of being angry suddenly but feeling fine the rest of the time & their “base level” (constant feeling) is fine so then just finding a way to manage that but i feel domt have bpd as my base level is depression and i dont suddenly get angry then feel fine. I dont wanna live with just managing not getting into sad crisis of killing myself. So then it was clear my CC told the people who run it. As today they keep talking about sadness and it not being all about being angry and that still have BPD if is sadness as affects everyone differently and then was looking at me. Probably subconsiously. Now i feel bad. But even if i cant manage sadness i feel like it was about managing not getting triggered but i am constantly sad. 

    But the last one was on crisis planning. And just basically bringing everything learnt to put into crisis plan.  And something they said at the very end has stuck with me. Of it being something like “we all have emotions, - is just how we manange it” and that we need to get to our “base level”. My base level is being depressed and hating myself - as i just meant to accept that as my personality 😭 and not get to the extent of self hrm or killing myself and to aviod triggers and manage that ???? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

     Dont wanna live at all then 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    I guess self hate is inward anger & angry at self. I don’t know. Either way still confused
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    Shaunie said:

    if you felt unworthy of people's time then why would you post requesting for support? 
    The attention seeker who needs reassurance that theyre not unworthy

    And Cause am a total fuck up who cant help burden. And cause i feel alone & awful. But thanks
    I know and understand that and it totally makes sense but you are none of those things hun and deep down, you know it.x
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    Sorry to hear your last session of dbt didn't go so well. That is not your baseline level and that is clear. What's happening now that this has finished?
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    edited October 13
    Thank you @AngelOfFaith

    i have CHANGE’ s group for 15 weeks after for like goal setting with occupational therapists to help make changes and things like goal setting & life style balance ect. But i dont have much motivation so feel will be quite hard and too much. Apperently is with people on the ‘personality disorder treatment pathway’ I Start it on the 29th. Am so stressed about it
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    What's making you feel stressed about it?
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    I just wanna die. I can barely get out of bed sometimes so i cant change just because i set some goals and shit. No hope. Im still gunna be sad and not motivated. Seem like they dont  understand that is not as easy as sound. Thry probably think it is chioce.  Just want to be dead. No hope. So sad. Cant wait to die
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    It sounds like you have 'decided' that things won't change or get better, before having given it a go?
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    edited October 15
     Been trying & ‘giving it a go’ for a few years...beyond fed up. 

    If i could “change” by now i would of. Not a chioce. So clearly the group stuff is not going to help or anythjng else. 

    And death is literally only answer. Which is sad. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    It may help though and there is no way at all of you knowing that it won't help, or will.

    No, that is not the only answer. It never is and it never will be. You are being offered support, take it x
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    edited October 15
    I mean yeah it could make me change. Maybe make me get volteering or something. But whos to say that is going to suddenly make me feel better. :(

    They seem to ignore the fact i aint a hormonal person who is just unstable and gets triggered and angry at small things. And all i need is to ‘regulate and manage my emotions’. I am constantly sad and constantly want to die:(
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    It won't suddenly make you better, no. It is a work in progress and takes time.

    But what is making you 'constantly' feel like that?
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    Im just sad all the time. So i don’t know what i am waiting for to change. ...Deathh

    just dont like myself and makes me wanna kil myself. 

    but thanks for help
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    But what is making you sad?
  • ShaunieShaunie Hope.less 🌦 England 🏠Posts: 2,077 Mega Poster
    Basically everything in the first post. 
    Was sexually humuated and raped and feel disgusting. And dont wanna be in my body knowing what ive done. Or be in this world know there are sick people like that
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us face, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.” ~ Marvin J Ashton 🌸🌸🌸
  • AngelOfFaithAngelOfFaith Posts: 118 The Mix convert
    I can understand that. Is it only this making you sad or are there more causes too?
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