Emotional Regulation (Please Read before replying)

Former Member

I have just been told that I HAV EMOTIONAL Regulations and may go to the psychiatrist to further study it despite me being 15. I have had so many of you be so nice to me and reject me. I don't know but I have been really delusional. I have this thought that one day I'll be famous and do music, film etc. to reach that. If not, I've always seemed suicide as an alternative method nothing else. It wasn't for the money and lifestyle as I thought, it was actually being loved. My mum admitted that she was neglectful in my childhood and I was very lonely and had chronic nightmares; me being alone, scared. As i grew up I stayed like a child; clingy to some can't to others. When people I know leave to their own devices, i feel like the world is crumbling. But my mood swings are making people leave. If I were famous, people would love me, try to understand me. Even some people would do anything for me. I'm not trying to be selfish. I give everything to anyone that i care about. I remeber my younger cousin being teased and i wanted to attack the boy teasing him. Anyway, I would like to ask what to do. I have delusions and false beliefs nd attitudes that could get me killed considering my area in london. I get angry and do stupid things. 

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Sounds quite confusing, who has told you that you have emotional regulations, could you explain more about that? It sounds like you may have sought help for the way you are feeling, is that right?

It is pretty natural to see the love and attention famous people get and to wish for it but remember that the spotlight can also lead to negativity, there's always a balance. It does not sound like you are being selfish at all but are trying to work through these confusing feelings. It sounds like you are worried about what you could do when angry and the consequences of this - do you want to talk about that some more?

- Lucy

Former Member

Hey @Past User,

There is nothing wrong at all with being ambitious and having dreams for the future! So much is possible when you put your mind to it, especially when you're still so young! Also, mood swings are totally normal at 15.

The only thing I would say is there are other ways to bring people closer to you and win their respect, other than being famous. Being there for the people you care about is better, it means they'll be there for you too. 

As for the anger, could you try channelling it into something else, like sport/?

Former Member

Thank you for replying. I went for CAMHS for a Bipolar assessment. I lied a lot in fear of my mum being angry if any news got out. In the end, he said it was just emotional regulation issues. The problem is that I think I'm fine. I only need help because I feel that I may kill myself during these periods. I don't want my family to be sad but I don't actually care. When I wrote that, I was seriously sad and try to harm myself. It can last for a few days or just many hours. I don't really know how to approach this as I don't really want to stop being this way. I may feel down but something makes me not want to change or get better. I just want to control it to not do anything dangerous in the future.

For further information,

-I have mood swings but forget after they happen. I forget how sad I was before.
- When I experience happy thoughts, they can last for a few days if my anxiety doesn't flare up
-I have a dangerous sexual habit that is being a massive problem.
-I either hate or like people.
-I don't really love people, I just really need them I treat them like a god to make them not leave.
-I have delusions which affect the life I live
-I was neglected as a kid (my mum had to work and left me with families who were not pleasant)
-I can't properly admit to it but deep down I probably hate myself, a lot.
-When perplexed, I smash my head to stop my intrusive thoughts (sometimes they can be as persistent as a voice but I don't physically hear them). In worst cases, I try to cut myself so I can stop crying and come back to reality.
-I can be very loving and caring, but I can be cold-blooded, who idolizes evil and violence

Sorry for the long post, I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong

Former Member

Hey @ricochet,

Just to kick off, your degree of honesty and courage is admirable and I hope that writing your thoughts down helps you better evaluate them in one form or another. 

You seem to have quite a good measure of how you feel and a mature, detailed map of what you are experiencing. In your first post you said that the main thing you crave is the love and attention of others. Interestingly though, you seemed to imply that you knew the idea that you could get this deep affection from being famous was a bit delusional. I'm curious to know what makes you aware that this is delusional but still doesn't stop you from craving it? 

I ask because you say in your second post that you don't want to change the way you are, you just want to get to a stage of personal safety. These two posts seem slightly at odds. In the first you are wanting a change in your life (more affection), and in the second you are not wanting a change in your life. Buddhism teaches that all suffering stems from desire, and desire stems from not being satisfied with the present experience. In the second post you show that you aren't desiring to change, and that you are content with who you are. Being content in who you are is extremely important, but it sounds like you are maybe not fully content yet? 

Part of this internal struggle seems like it might have something to do with how your mum treated you... As you say it was your mum's influence that made you lie in the initial Bipolar Assessment it seems like things tend to link back to your mum. How would you describe your relationship with your mum? Would you feel able to talk to her about this need for affection, and if not her is there someone else  you would feel comfortable talking with? 

The way you are handling yourself, and communicating on The Mix, is brilliant. I hope you find my post a little bit thought-provoking and remember that someone is always here to talk  

Former Member

1. I know it's delusional because others don't like it when I'm in that mind state.
2. I keep switching, I guess I prefer staying sad at times as I start to feel anxious when I feel at ease, ironically.
3. I come from an African family and they tend to get angry at things like this. But genuinely they are nice. To be Honest I would want to go again and tell the full truth.

To be honest I can't feel anything right now. Should I ask to go back or do something else?