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Chronic stress and anxiety from secretly loving friend

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
edited August 2018 in Sex & Relationships
I became friends with a girl about a year ago. We got on really well and became friends quickly. Problem is I started liking her and when I asked her if she wants to go for a drink, she didn’t really answer me and we both became awkward around each other. So I lied and told her I only see her as a friend and I was fine with that. We built a really great friendship going to plays, see films, museums, dinners in restaurants etc several times a week. The problem that I didn’t realise is that my liking for her grew stronger every moment we spent together. She was coming up with ideas and suggestions and texting me all the time too and even booked a holiday together for the end of the year. All at the same time I always had an anxiety that she would leave me as a friend and I was hiding this well. One day I went to a concert I knew she was going to (she didn’t mind me going to things she goes to at all at the time although she did complain before about other friends inviting themselves to things and then complaining about not being able to see her as she was busy). Anyway at the concert, I saw she walked out 5 minutes before the end and so I texted apologising for going saying she probably wanted to go on her own and that’s probably why she left early. It turned out that wasn’t the case at all and she thought I didn’t go in the end. This insecurity of mine continued and sometimes I was avoiding her as I assumed she didn’t want to see me (sometimes even after I had arranged to meet with her to see if she texts me). Then it got worse as she seemed to start making excuses for everything I asked to do with her. I accused her of avoiding me and this made her angry and said she just feels bombarded by a lot of things to do. Then we kind of made up after I apologised but I could tell she didn’t enjoy seeing me as much anymore and she didn’t like it when I went to things she went to. It was made worse by me trying everything to meet me by changing venues, times etc after I apologised then avoiding her on occasions after assuming she didn’t want to see me. I know every time I behave like this it makes her feel guilty and like she has to find time to see me which she did to be fair on quite a few occasions. Now I’m giving her space and she hasn’t texted me for 2 weeks which is unusual. She almost always texts me if I don’t text her for more than a few days. Last contact I had with her I sent her links describing introverts which i don’t think she appreciated although I did give her a reason it was referencing something we talked about a while back which she seemed to understand. But last time I saw her in person, she wasn’t telling me everything going on and what she was up to like she normally did.  It was a group meet and she was talking to other friends about her plans for the weekend whilst making sure I didn’t hear (as if she didn’t want me to find out and ask if I can come). This is really stressing me out and exhausting me, I’m having symptoms of chronic stress. I don’t even know if our booked holiday will even happen now. Do I need to tell her my feelings for her and explain this? Or just simply state your feelings and ask her on a date? Or should I just continue to give her space until she comes to me?  I don’t know if apologising again would be a good idea. She’s often always said in the past she gets sick of people when she sees them too much. She also always has said to her closest friends that she’s not interested in dating. She likes doing things on her own too.  

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hey & welcome to the forums!

    thats quite a hard situation to be in.  Saying how you feel could make things awkward or maybe not or she may even wanna go on a date. But thats something that maybe youd known more? What do you think? It could be help to explain your feelings tho. Its hard to know so like maybe you could ask an other friend to casually ask her if she could ever see you and her dating?

    Do you think you overthink this sometimes?  I over anaylsis every situation, what people say, compare things, and just overthink. - Not really helpful And tbh it gets me no where and makes more problems than there actually is as i make it more than what it is in my head

    Lot of people like space from others, doesnt mean they are completly sick of that person tho.  Sometimes can be about finding a balance of space and time with that person. Cause may need time to recharge and theyd love to have that company again. If makes sense ?though hard if she hasnt texted for 2 weeks
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Hey, yes I do overthink things. I think I’m going to tell her on the holiday in december if it even goes ahead. But I don’t know what i should do now? Should I just leave it and give her space until she comes to me or should I check in with her? 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited August 2018
    Has she not replied for 2 weeks and you havent said anythign since either? 2 weeke is quite a long time esp if not usual-so she may not mind you checking in on her now. Im a distance person with people & need a lot of space and im not that bothered when soemoen relies again in a few weeks times with just genuine concern or something. Some people are distance because they wanna see who wil make effort to stay in their lives but everyones different. So i dunno i think you should do what you feel comfortbale with the most:)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    edited August 2018
    It’s not that she hasn’t replied for 2 weeks. She just hasn’t texted me for 2 weeks and that’s unusual. She’ll normally find any excuse to text me if she hasn’t heard from me for a few days normally. And before that I wasn’t sure if she was pushing me away by saying things like “you can go on without me” or “can’t you get off the train here”. When I last accused her of avoiding me she got angry and said she’s seen me more than anyone else so how can it be avoiding. 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Ended up texting her as lack of communication was stressing me out too much. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hey, Has she texted you back? She maybe not be intentionally avioding you - even if seems that way
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    edited August 2018
    Hey, she texted back yes. She said “yes holiday was good. Yes I’m well. Was first time I saw anyone from our circle of friends for over 2 weeks yesterday! Hope you enjoyed your walk.” This was in response to me saying hope you’re well and holiday was good and telling her I missed her. I don’t know how to take this. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Ah that seems like an okay response? How are you feeling now? Hope youre able to try see things clearer with her at some point after speaking. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Shaunie said:
    Ah that seems like an okay response? How are you feeling now? Hope youre able to try see things clearer with her at some point after speaking. 
    I sent her subsequent messages and she didn’t reply except when I asked her whether she’s going to something tomorrow. She said yes.  I then apologised to her for essentially being needy (inviting myself to things, persisting in getting her to meet up & go to things she didn’t want to go to) and saying I’ll respect her space more in future. And she didn’t reply. 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I sent her subsequent messages and she didn’t reply except when I asked her whether she’s going to something tomorrow. She said yes.  I then apologised to her for essentially being needy (inviting myself to things, persisting in getting her to meet up & go to things she didn’t want to go to) and saying I’ll respect her space more in future. And she didn’t reply. 
    Ah thats quite difficult if not replying. 
    All can be needy at times tho

    How are you feeling about all this now?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    edited August 2018
    She replied saying she’s been spending too much money and also she’s generally tired from going out too much which is fair enough. She’s been doing this to all her friends - not just me. Also she’s seen me more than any of her other friends. She’s fine with me now I think. I was kind of ignoring her when I saw her in a group the other day just because I wanted to give her space but then she found a way to talk to me. And now I’m a bit worried maybe she won’t like the fact I was ignoring her. 

    But i guess I eventually have to risk it and tell her. I don’t want to lose my holiday with her in December though and I’m worried if I tell her I could lose it. 
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