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Chronic stress and anxiety from secretly loving friend
I became friends with a girl about a year ago. We got on really well and became friends quickly. Problem is I started liking her and when I asked her if she wants to go for a drink, she didn’t really answer me and we both became awkward around each other. So I lied and told her I only see her as a friend and I was fine with that. We built a really great friendship going to plays, see films, museums, dinners in restaurants etc several times a week. The problem that I didn’t realise is that my liking for her grew stronger every moment we spent together. She was coming up with ideas and suggestions and texting me all the time too and even booked a holiday together for the end of the year. All at the same time I always had an anxiety that she would leave me as a friend and I was hiding this well. One day I went to a concert I knew she was going to (she didn’t mind me going to things she goes to at all at the time although she did complain before about other friends inviting themselves to things and then complaining about not being able to see her as she was busy). Anyway at the concert, I saw she walked out 5 minutes before the end and so I texted apologising for going saying she probably wanted to go on her own and that’s probably why she left early. It turned out that wasn’t the case at all and she thought I didn’t go in the end. This insecurity of mine continued and sometimes I was avoiding her as I assumed she didn’t want to see me (sometimes even after I had arranged to meet with her to see if she texts me). Then it got worse as she seemed to start making excuses for everything I asked to do with her. I accused her of avoiding me and this made her angry and said she just feels bombarded by a lot of things to do. Then we kind of made up after I apologised but I could tell she didn’t enjoy seeing me as much anymore and she didn’t like it when I went to things she went to. It was made worse by me trying everything to meet me by changing venues, times etc after I apologised then avoiding her on occasions after assuming she didn’t want to see me. I know every time I behave like this it makes her feel guilty and like she has to find time to see me which she did to be fair on quite a few occasions. Now I’m giving her space and she hasn’t texted me for 2 weeks which is unusual. She almost always texts me if I don’t text her for more than a few days. Last contact I had with her I sent her links describing introverts which i don’t think she appreciated although I did give her a reason it was referencing something we talked about a while back which she seemed to understand. But last time I saw her in person, she wasn’t telling me everything going on and what she was up to like she normally did. It was a group meet and she was talking to other friends about her plans for the weekend whilst making sure I didn’t hear (as if she didn’t want me to find out and ask if I can come). This is really stressing me out and exhausting me, I’m having symptoms of chronic stress. I don’t even know if our booked holiday will even happen now. Do I need to tell her my feelings for her and explain this? Or just simply state your feelings and ask her on a date? Or should I just continue to give her space until she comes to me? I don’t know if apologising again would be a good idea. She’s often always said in the past she gets sick of people when she sees them too much. She also always has said to her closest friends that she’s not interested in dating. She likes doing things on her own too.