I don't know what to do...

Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
“Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.” 

My name on the Mix is called Nimrod2000, but like many of us on here we have usernames as to not show who we really are. We are an icon and a username so we can communicate with people anonymously without being judged by the people we know like our friends and family. And so it is here that I pour my heart and soul out, not knowing the outcome of how this story will end, but like most things we will never know the outcome until it has been achieved, merely speculate the outcome whether it be positive or negative. If you do not wish to read on then by all means don't because in my head I already know how this story will end for me, I'm past saving.

I am known throughout my friendship group as the guy you go to for advice, having trouble getting a boyfriend or girlfriend you come to me and I'll help you out. Having a rough sex life, come to me and I'll go over some stuff so you can be safe and have fun. Feeling depressed, anxious or stressed? Come to me and I'll let you talk to me about it, I'll listen, understand and begin to help and do what I can. Feeling suicidal then I look after you and stay with them, talking to you and talking you out of it and figuring out ways to help you get through the rough patch. In my eyes that is all I'm good for but I don't think I can even do that anymore... I'm too tired, too depressed and have lost too much faith and hope both in the world and in myself. If the world were to be described as a painting filled with bright colours and detail, then my view of the world is that the bright colours are gone, just a blank canvas with a void that cannot be described. 

I personally believe that I'm too far gone. This disease, this vile corruption of my mind has twisted everything into a horrific image that I cannot escape from. The people, humankind has become nothing but a lifeless shell to me, walking and eating and talking going through the daily grind. I wanted so much to see people, to talk, to interact, to feel human but I can't. They're alien to me... so different, maybe I'm the one who's different and alien. I've been surrounded by people, friends, strangers throughout school and college yet I feel so alone. Like I'm a ghost... would make sense given how I feel dead inside. The world used to be so full of life to me, different countries, different cultures, different foods, smells, sights... all ruined. All pointless to me. Every time I watch the news, read an article, I lose more and more hope. This world is a joke, a barren wasteland filled with hate, suffering and loss. Nobody listens, nobody cares and that's all I can see anymore. No colour, no laughter, no happiness, only pain and suffering. Everywhere I go, I'm on my own... nobody to call my own. My own family are emotionally abusive at the best of times and I don't think they even know they're doing it. My friends all leave in the end and I can't say I blame them, who'd want to hang out with me, who'd want to know me. The way I see this story going is me killing myself straight up no ifs or buts I know I'm gonna kill myself, only a matter of when. I've lived through enough for one life... I've hurt enough people and I've been hurt enough, I cannot go through it all again. I will not grow up to old age or have a family of my own with a girl I love, I will be dead... away from hurting anyone else. And maybe... just maybe I'll be at peace from these demons that plague me every fucking day of my life

Ever since I was a kid, at least from what I remember about my childhood because I struggle to remember anything past the age of 10, I've been depressed and alone. Always the outcast, always by myself and on the rare occasion that I was with someone I felt uncomfortably sad and alone. I never clicked with the other kids and I always seemed to be perceived as the freak, something my family didn't help but contribute to... heading into secondary school I was again detached. I felt like I wasn't human or alive. It all felt fake just like now, as if I'm a character and this is a tragedy in motion. I constantly got beaten up and attacked by people, even by the people who were supposedly my friends. I was alone, yet tried to be funny and help people. Do what I do, save people, help people even though I cannot save myself... "ironic, he could save others from death... but not himself". I could try and make people laugh, I blended into whatever situation I was in to try and fit in and belong somewhere but that was always pointless because I felt unhappy. Yet I loved a girl called "Whatsername" and she kept me sane even if she never loved me back. I also had anger issues, stress and everything with my head made me lash out in school. Made me angry all the time, angry at the man who abused/harassed me sexually for two years when I was 11-13, angry at my family for treating me like shit and doing all this shit to me.

I'm too depressed to write anymore, I am unable to love or be loved... I deal with too much shit that I struggle to write it all out. I give up with this life, nothing gets better. I want to die and let it be over with. 


Mama_U

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 4,344 Uber Poster
    edited August 2018
    Im so sorry. I understand the pain it gets to thinking about suicide. Feels like no matter what you do next- its useless. That every road seems blocked and the situation is hopeless and death is only way out. Depression can really disort the mind to be so hopeless. You have more potiental and strength than you believe. And you seem like a great lovely kind caring person and would be really sad to lose the great person you are & could become. 

    Many people seriously think about killing themselves or attempt because they think life is so hopeless- but many go on to have great lives which shows there is hope even when feel we have nothing. As long as youre alive youre capable of doing great things. 

    Theres a small, small part of you that wants to stay here, because no one really wants to die, thats why you have reached this point- just get so desperate and want the pain to stop, things can get better, maybe not straight away. 

    So please hold on for a day, take every day as it comes or even hour by hour. And if you feel like youre going to actively go on to your thoughts. Ring someone, seek that help you deserve. Sometimes in those intense moments all we need is to take a step back from our thoughts with someone whos willing to listen. And there is always soemone willing to listen and people who really care. Youre not alone
     https://www.samaritans.org/ , 

    https://www.papyrus-uk.org/ , 

    https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/
     
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    @Shaunie everything feels useless. No matter what I've done to try and fix this, visiting doctors, talking to Welfare nothing works. And when I do make progress something bad always happens. I dont believe I have potential or strength... I've been trying to fight this for 10 years i feel like I'm at the end of the line. I don't think I'm a good person anymore, I don't believe in myself. I used to but thats all gone now. 

    You're right that suicidal people want to kill themselves or attempt to because their life is hopeless to them I understand that. But I don't believe that I'll live on and have a great life... I really want to die there's nothing here for me. Maybe there's a tiny piece of me who wants to stay alive but I have to admit that dream and drive to stay alive is dying day by day. There's so much affecting me, so much I have yet to write about but I give up because I don't see a point anymore. Things haven't gotten better for me not ever, they only get worse, I've yet to have one good day. Or one positive day! 

    I can't get help, I'm not allowed because of my family 
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 558 Extreme Poster
    Hi @Nimrod2000

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It sounds like you are a great support to all your friends but have given up on yourself :disappointed: would that be fair to say? 

    Agree with what Shaunie's said above, you do still have the potential to carry on and start to enjoy life although it might not feel that way right now. 

    Have you tried talking to a professional/a counselling service about how you are feeling? The links Shaunie shared above? You are not too far gone, you can still fight through this, you will be strong enough with help. I hope you can continue to talk and share with us here if you are feeling down.

    Sending you hugs <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    Nimrod2000
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 87 Moderator
    Hello @Nimrod2000, my username is JamJar and the Mix is a great place specifically because  our individual anonymity (our usernames) makes these difficult conversations a little bit easier. Isn't it incredible that by taking away someone's name, their label, their ego, that suddenly we are able to let go of our worries about prejudice or discrimination and a space for honesty and truth appears.

    First off it sounds like you have been put under a lot of pressure. Having people depend on you for so many different concerns can be difficult for you to manage and maintain if you yourself do not have a point of communication to unload your worries and stresses. Something interesting though, is why do you think all these people come to you for advice and support? Further on in your post you say how one of the reasons for wanting to kill yourself is that you want to stop hurting people. It is slightly unclear who you are hurting, especially as you are acting as a point of support for so many different people... 

    Depression is a very complicated state to experience but being aware of it, being able to identify when you are feeling particularly vulnerable, is a helpful exercise to get into the habit of. A really interesting TED Talk given by a very smart man who suffers with depression and has tried to kill himself is here if you think you might find hearing someone else's experience enlightening: 


    On seeing the picture that the news paints it is natural to feel desperate about this world but we also know that more people (in proportion to the size of the global population) are being lifted out of abject poverty than ever before in the history of the human race. As much as the show that the news presents is bleak, a rising tide does lift all boats - to give you an optimistic view on things even though you didn't ask for it :P 

    It is sad to hear that you don't feel like anyone listens anymore but I hope that this post, Shaunie's and Lucy's, shows you that there are people who care. Hearing that you want to kill yourself is even more saddening. You are clearly a very (emotionally) intelligent, caring individual and I'm sorry that your family and friends are not present in the way you arguably deserve them to be. When you say you want the demons to go away, what would you say your demons are? 

    Shaunie gave you some good signposts to Papyrus and to Samaritans, both of which might prove helpful platforms for communication. You ended your post by talking about how angry this world makes you feel. Anger is a frustratingly complex emotion. It feels both extremely justified and utterly useless at the same time. But once you had written how you felt down, and now that you reflect back, how do you feel? Have your emotions changed? 

    I don't know whether any of what is written here will help you or whether you will find any of it noteworthy. But remember that this is the start of a dialogue, and even if I, JamJar, do not continue the dialogue someone from the Mix certainly will. 

    Keep communicating how you feel, this is a place you can talk :)
    Nimrod2000
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I feel lost, and I'm hurting so badly and I cant cope anymore I'm sorry... I thought I could keep going but I cant it all hurts 
    Mama_U
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Hey Nimrod,

    You can keep going, moving forward until you find a reason. Even if you think you've not found it, meeting new people always leaves a mark, going new places and having new experiences always adds up. Even if your family say you can't get help, that doesn't mean you shouldn't, you can use TheMix or call Samaritans anytime and your family will only find out if you want them too.

     “Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.” Where is this quote from, and was there a reason you decided to start of your post this way?

    Try to focus on the good, even if something bad happened that caused that good. The exquisite side is still valid. And so its the Tragic. Connected or not they are as separate as they are conjoined. Turning the phrase around you get- "Behind every tragic thing that existed, there was something exquisite."  Good doesn't always lead to Bad, Bad can lead to good. 

    How are you feeling now? 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
    Nimrod2000
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    Hey Eyepatch 

    Honestly I'm trying my very hardest to keep moving forward, to push on even when I've got the odds stacked against me... but it's so draining and soulcrushing it makes me wonder the point in why I continue. My mother mocks me saying that she should just cook up a batch of pills and that I'll cheer up then. She also says that I'm too depressing to be around, to dark and when she screamed at me in public for 2 hours proclaiming me as the bad guy, she wonders why I'm not happy. Wonders why I self harm... She also called me a cunt on Christmas eve just gone. And I'm not saying cunt for the sake of it that's what she called me. I've gone through years and years of abuse and torment, I just cannot take it anymore I'm on my last leg. Haven't I suffered enough?! Being depressed since I was a kid, being sexually harrased for 2 years straight every Monday to Friday at school by a guy in my class, constantly being attacked by people and so much more. Being told I'd fail my GCSEs, being forcefully kept in my room as I wanted to go to school and revise for my exams. Being screamed at while I'm semi nude in the bathroom because I forgot to bring my gel to work and wore my own jacket. Being threatened to be kicked out my house because I got a job as a coffee barista. Being humiliated because I wanted to see the girl I love who's all the way in Australia saying she's nothing. Being told everything I do is wrong, that I've got no friends, that I'm not an adult and don't have those rights in their eyes. Getting disowned for catching a common cold and blamed for everything that goes on. They say I shouldn't talk back, I must shut up, dress the way they want me to and never act depressed or upset or any other feeling. I'm told that I've got no future and I've had my door padlocked open because I might kill my brothers with the heat in my room even when my window is open and fan is on blast. I've been called disgusting and that I've got a horrible body figure even though I'm skinny. I'm not allowed to eat or drink what i want because there's rules. I cannot go outside and I'm not allowed to visit a hospital, dentist, doctor nobody. They're horrible and on top of that I get panic attacks from my family, I'm scared whenever they open my door, they always slam doors, gates and shout and scream insults at everyone and its hurting so much. I've had to lie to nurses saying stuff at home is fine and had to sneak out of college just to visit a doctor to discuss my mental health and suicidal tendencies. I've got terrible memory and it's like my brain is forcing me to forget everything. I dont remember my childhood past 10 and I never got to be a teenager and I was forced to be their verbal punching bag. I've been told to keep secrets from my dad or from my mum, I've been told I'm nothing. I've tried every reason in the book I've used every sorry excuse in the book. I pretend that if I stay alive things will get better or if i help enough people and sacrifice my health even more my parents would finally love me and i could love myself. But that doesn't work. I just got my college grades today, higher than the national grade, do I get a well done at the very least??  NO! I get nothing I just dont get it. 

    See I've been trying to do that. Meet new people but apparently I'm too much for them. I'm too depressed, too broken and too boring. If only people realised this isn't my fault I didn't want this... I've got no life. I can't visit new places as I'm not allowed to leave home even though I'm 18, legally an adult! And i can't experience anything because I'm forced to stay in my room all day every day and i fucking hate it. My family deserves to know shit after all they've done!! I hate them! They never cared ever they only care when its about them, because I have to feel sympathy to my parents when they are going through a rough patch and when my mum is in the hospital. I find out my grandads got for cancer and i find out my other grandads dementior I'd seriously bad i cannot cope and i can't feel a thing. I'm numb trully numb and apparently when i do feel its all too much! Only person that makes me feel something... anything is a girl I love in Australia and it kills me because I can't be with her. She's said she loves me deeply but long distance hurts us and wants me to come to Australia so i can be with her and if I hae any reason to live its for her. But at the moment she's got a boyfriend and yet we both love eachother, we have for over a year and that adds to my pain and torment. 

    The quote is from The picture of Dorian Gray and the reason I decided to start off my post with that is because it's relatable. It fits Me, and when I look at my life it stands out. 

    @Eyepatch I'm feeling really bad 
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    All of the things happening to you, they are not your fault. It's okay to feel bad, everything around you is stressful and your reaction to that is natural. It's not your fault you feel this way, and you can , over time, move forward and change.

    Have you thought about calling childline or a social worker? Padlocking the door is reason enough for a professional to get involved. They might be able to help, you could also look up housing shelters in your area to stay for a few days. Don't worry about childline being aimed at younger people, they can still help you. 

    Staying with your family seems to be having a very negative effect on your well being. You should reach out to services that could help. Just like you have done here.

    I read Dorian Gray a few years ago, it's very interesting. Perhaps you could read some other novels when at home, if you enjoy reading it's a great escape to jump into a book. 

    Update us on what's happening whenever you feel ready. 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • SevenSeven Posts: 58 Moderator
    Hi Nimrod, 

    I completely agree with What Eyepatch has said, this isn't a good thing for your overall wellbeing, and in today's day in age as an 18 year old, you do have other options. 

    It might be good to try to make this known to your parents, and if approaching them is too difficult, you may want to consider trying to move out as soon as you can now that you're old enough. There options for taking your life in different directions now. And as Eyepatch said, reaching out to people who can give you more specific advise might be really useful. 

    Also as an aside, I do want to say well done for getting through school and your exams! I think it's really important no matter how you did that you worked so hard to get there, and should feel amazing about it! 

    Please let us know how you're feeling after some time to yourself, we really care about your health on here, and I hope you feel better soon!

    -Seven
    Nimrod2000
  • Mama_UMama_U EnglandPosts: 30 Cool Newbie

    Everywhere I go, I'm on my own... nobody to call my own. My own family are emotionally abusive at the best of times and I don't think they even know they're doing it. My friends all leave in the end and I can't say I blame them, who'd want to hang out with me, 

    Always the outcast, always by myself  I never clicked with the other kids and I always seemed to be perceived as the freak, something my family didn't help but contribute to.
     , yet tried to be funny and help people. Do what I do, save people.

    Im here. Everyone on this website is here. What about the people u helped. They wont forget about u. I know how it feels to have no one. I tried to let go of this life but i got a second chance. You have to focus on YOU and not other people. Try clinging ur thoughts on what matter to u and if helping people matters to u then help people.

    I clung onto the thought of me succeeding in life and then showing all these people especially my family that my life is worth living. I have a drawing passion and i drew all the time. Other art students became my friends and my home life is crap but i always think about the end 
     
    Just think about UR life and how amazing it could be when u live it ur way. Think positive and dont let anyone get to u. This is ur life dont quit it.

    EyepatchLucy307
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I don't understand why I've had to go through all of this; why couldn't I have the normal life why couldn't I have a happy family, a happy school environment and why did everything good get ripped away from me? I hate the man who sexually harrased/abused me because now I hate being touched and I get full blown panic attacks if someone touches my privates. I struggle to be sexual with loved ones, I was a kid for God's sake. He got away Scot free and I have to live with the memory and the consequences of what he did to me for two years. And I'm trying to work through it but it's slow. Only 5 years after have I got to a point where I realised it's a problem and I still feel like it was my fault. I don't even like my brothers touching me or them giving me a hug... that upsets me more than upsetting any girl. And the stuff with my family, apparently I have developed issues because of it. Like intense anger, low self esteem, self harming, insecurity, self loathing I litteraly hate myself and struggle to like what I see in the mirror. I met the girl I love because I was depressed and she cared, next day her friend told her to marry me. She's the only one that helps me feel like I can escape this Hell and get better. It was because of a promise I made to her @Eyepath that I started to get help for everything because she was scared for me and worried and I love her so I went and got help. But things keep getting worse and worse and nothing seems to change. I hope you're right that one day over time I can change and move on... but right now all it's doing is holding me back. 

    In the past I have, but after so many years of getting yelled at by my parents for anything I've learnt not to do anything so I don't get yelled at. I have a deep seated fear that I'll get yelled at by the support teams and that none of this is real and it's just in my head. Or my parents could find out and that'd be disastrous! I did speak to one group but it was the NHS crisis team I believe and I skipped college to phone them and went to a different campus and told then stuff (I had to go through details of stuff because my Doctor refered me as she was worried about me cause I was and still am suicidal) but gave up over it and nearly tried to hang myself but gave up on it. Yeah I've been told by my friends the whole padlocking my door open thing is unacceptable and I should get people involved but I don't want to get shouted at so I dont bother. I've got this conviction in my head where if I leave home, I'd not come back! It'd be for good. And I've got a friend I can stay with and in September I plan on asking for acomadation as I am doing another college course with them for 2 years and they sorta know my situation. Whether they help or not is a different matter. 

    You are right in that staying with my family is having a negative impact on me. Honestly things have gotten worse for me ever since college finished for the summer. My skins gotten to the point where it looks like I'm a corpse, my eyes look dark and black and my acne is mental. I dont sleep anymore as I don't feel safe I suppose even though that's harsh as it's just the shouting, screaming, throwing, slamming of doors and heavy footsteps and them barging in my room shouting in the past that makes me feel like this. I look dead completely dead and that's just my appearance my mental health is terrible compared to what it was in college. It's like I've jumped off a diving board heading straight into the darkest depths of my life with no escape. I joke that my bedroom is my prison cell. I can't stand weekends let alone an entire summer. I'm trying to reach out to services but whether they help or bother is a different question. 

    I find Dorian Gray quite interesting myself, it offers a good look into corruption, beauty, sin and human nature and has some amazing character studies. I wrote a song about it actually. My favourite quote is:

    Love? An illusion.
    Religion? A fashionable substitute for belief.
    You are a skeptic? Never. Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
    What are you? To define is to limit.

    I do enjoy reading and frankly I should read more I miss it and I have so much to read. Yet i never feel quite relaxed to do so. Which is a shame because other than playing guitar, it's my only escape. 
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I don't understand why I've had to go through all of this; why couldn't I have the normal life why couldn't I have a happy family, a happy school environment and why did everything good get ripped away from me? I hate the man who sexually harrased/abused me because now I hate being touched and I get full blown panic attacks if someone touches my privates. I struggle to be sexual with loved ones, I was a kid for God's sake. He got away Scot free and I have to live with the memory and the consequences of what he did to me for two years. And I'm trying to work through it but it's slow. Only 5 years after have I got to a point where I realised it's a problem and I still feel like it was my fault. I don't even like my brothers touching me or them giving me a hug... that upsets me more than upsetting any girl. And the stuff with my family, apparently I have developed issues because of it. Like intense anger, low self esteem, self harming, insecurity, self loathing I litteraly hate myself and struggle to like what I see in the mirror. I met the girl I love because I was depressed and she cared, next day her friend told her to marry me. She's the only one that helps me feel like I can escape this Hell and get better. It was because of a promise I made to her @Eyepath that I started to get help for everything because she was scared for me and worried and I love her so I went and got help. But things keep getting worse and worse and nothing seems to change. I hope you're right that one day over time I can change and move on... but right now all it's doing is holding me back. 

    In the past I have, but after so many years of getting yelled at by my parents for anything I've learnt not to do anything so I don't get yelled at. I have a deep seated fear that I'll get yelled at by the support teams and that none of this is real and it's just in my head. Or my parents could find out and that'd be disastrous! I did speak to one group but it was the NHS crisis team I believe and I skipped college to phone them and went to a different campus and told then stuff (I had to go through details of stuff because my Doctor refered me as she was worried about me cause I was and still am suicidal) but gave up over it and nearly tried to hang myself but gave up on it. Yeah I've been told by my friends the whole padlocking my door open thing is unacceptable and I should get people involved but I don't want to get shouted at so I dont bother. I've got this conviction in my head where if I leave home, I'd not come back! It'd be for good. And I've got a friend I can stay with and in September I plan on asking for acomadation as I am doing another college course with them for 2 years and they sorta know my situation. Whether they help or not is a different matter. 

    You are right in that staying with my family is having a negative impact on me. Honestly things have gotten worse for me ever since college finished for the summer. My skins gotten to the point where it looks like I'm a corpse, my eyes look dark and black and my acne is mental. I dont sleep anymore as I don't feel safe I suppose even though that's harsh as it's just the shouting, screaming, throwing, slamming of doors and heavy footsteps and them barging in my room shouting in the past that makes me feel like this. I look dead completely dead and that's just my appearance my mental health is terrible compared to what it was in college. It's like I've jumped off a diving board heading straight into the darkest depths of my life with no escape. I joke that my bedroom is my prison cell. I can't stand weekends let alone an entire summer. I'm trying to reach out to services but whether they help or bother is a different question. 

    I find Dorian Gray quite interesting myself, it offers a good look into corruption, beauty, sin and human nature and has some amazing character studies. I wrote a song about it actually. My favourite quote is:

    Love? An illusion.
    Religion? A fashionable substitute for belief.
    You are a skeptic? Never. Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
    What are you? To define is to limit.

    I do enjoy reading and frankly I should read more I miss it and I have so much to read. Yet i never feel quite relaxed to do so. Which is a shame because other than playing guitar, it's my only rekease
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I don't understand why I've had to go through all of this; why couldn't I have the normal life why couldn't I have a happy family, a happy school environment and why did everything good get ripped away from me? I hate the man who sexually harrased/abused me because now I hate being touched and I get full blown panic attacks if someone touches my privates. I struggle to be sexual with loved ones, I was a kid for God's sake. He got away Scot free and I have to live with the memory and the consequences of what he did to me for two years. And I'm trying to work through it but it's slow. Only 5 years after have I got to a point where I realised it's a problem and I still feel like it was my fault. I don't even like my brothers touching me or them giving me a hug... that upsets me more than upsetting any girl. And the stuff with my family, apparently I have developed issues because of it. Like intense anger, low self esteem, self harming, insecurity, self loathing I litteraly hate myself and struggle to like what I see in the mirror. I met the girl I love because I was depressed and she cared, next day her friend told her to marry me. She's the only one that helps me feel like I can escape this Hell and get better. It was because of a promise I made to her @Eyepath that I started to get help for everything because she was scared for me and worried and I love her so I went and got help. But things keep getting worse and worse and nothing seems to change. I hope you're right that one day over time I can change and move on... but right now all it's doing is holding me back. 

    In the past I have, but after so many years of getting yelled at by my parents for anything I've learnt not to do anything so I don't get yelled at. I have a deep seated fear that I'll get yelled at by the support teams and that none of this is real and it's just in my head. Or my parents could find out and that'd be disastrous! I did speak to one group but it was the NHS crisis team I believe and I skipped college to phone them and went to a different campus and told then stuff (I had to go through details of stuff because my Doctor refered me as she was worried about me cause I was and still am suicidal) but gave up over it and nearly tried to hang myself but gave up on it. Yeah I've been told by my friends the whole padlocking my door open thing is unacceptable and I should get people involved but I don't want to get shouted at so I dont bother. I've got this conviction in my head where if I leave home, I'd not come back! It'd be for good. And I've got a friend I can stay with and in September I plan on asking for acomadation as I am doing another college course with them for 2 years and they sorta know my situation. Whether they help or not is a different matter. 

    You are right in that staying with my family is having a negative impact on me. Honestly things have gotten worse for me ever since college finished for the summer. My skins gotten to the point where it looks like I'm a corpse, my eyes look dark and black and my acne is mental. I dont sleep anymore as I don't feel safe I suppose even though that's harsh as it's just the shouting, screaming, throwing, slamming of doors and heavy footsteps and them barging in my room shouting in the past that makes me feel like this. I look dead completely dead and that's just my appearance my mental health is terrible compared to what it was in college. It's like I've jumped off a diving board heading straight into the darkest depths of my life with no escape. I joke that my bedroom is my prison cell. I can't stand weekends let alone an entire summer. I'm trying to reach out to services but whether they help or bother is a different question. 

    I find Dorian Gray quite interesting myself, it offers a good look into corruption, beauty, sin and human nature and has some amazing character studies. I wrote a song about it actually. My favourite quote is:

    Love? An illusion.
    Religion? A fashionable substitute for belief.
    You are a skeptic? Never. Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
    What are you? To define is to limit.

    I do enjoy reading and frankly I should read more I miss it and I have so much to read. Yet i never feel quite relaxed to do so. Which is a shame because other than playing guitar, it's my only rekease
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I don't understand why I've had to go through all of this; why couldn't I have the normal life why couldn't I have a happy family, a happy school environment and why did everything good get ripped away from me? I hate the man who sexually harrased/abused me because now I hate being touched and I get full blown panic attacks if someone touches my privates. I struggle to be sexual with loved ones, I was a kid for God's sake. He got away Scot free and I have to live with the memory and the consequences of what he did to me for two years. And I'm trying to work through it but it's slow. Only 5 years after have I got to a point where I realised it's a problem and I still feel like it was my fault. I don't even like my brothers touching me or them giving me a hug... that upsets me more than upsetting any girl. And the stuff with my family, apparently I have developed issues because of it. Like intense anger, low self esteem, self harming, insecurity, self loathing I litteraly hate myself and struggle to like what I see in the mirror. I met the girl I love because I was depressed and she cared, next day her friend told her to marry me. She's the only one that helps me feel like I can escape this Hell and get better. It was because of a promise I made to her @Eyepath that I started to get help for everything because she was scared for me and worried and I love her so I went and got help. But things keep getting worse and worse and nothing seems to change. I hope you're right that one day over time I can change and move on... but right now all it's doing is holding me back. 

    In the past I have, but after so many years of getting yelled at by my parents for anything I've learnt not to do anything so I don't get yelled at. I have a deep seated fear that I'll get yelled at by the support teams and that none of this is real and it's just in my head. Or my parents could find out and that'd be disastrous! I did speak to one group but it was the NHS crisis team I believe and I skipped college to phone them and went to a different campus and told then stuff (I had to go through details of stuff because my Doctor refered me as she was worried about me cause I was and still am suicidal) but gave up over it and nearly tried to hang myself but gave up on it. Yeah I've been told by my friends the whole padlocking my door open thing is unacceptable and I should get people involved but I don't want to get shouted at so I dont bother. I've got this conviction in my head where if I leave home, I'd not come back! It'd be for good. And I've got a friend I can stay with and in September I plan on asking for acomadation as I am doing another college course with them for 2 years and they sorta know my situation. Whether they help or not is a different matter. 

    You are right in that staying with my family is having a negative impact on me. Honestly things have gotten worse for me ever since college finished for the summer. My skins gotten to the point where it looks like I'm a corpse, my eyes look dark and black and my acne is mental. I dont sleep anymore as I don't feel safe I suppose even though that's harsh as it's just the shouting, screaming, throwing, slamming of doors and heavy footsteps and them barging in my room shouting in the past that makes me feel like this. I look dead completely dead and that's just my appearance my mental health is terrible compared to what it was in college. It's like I've jumped off a diving board heading straight into the darkest depths of my life with no escape. I joke that my bedroom is my prison cell. I can't stand weekends let alone an entire summer. I'm trying to reach out to services but whether they help or bother is a different question. 

    I find Dorian Gray quite interesting myself, it offers a good look into corruption, beauty, sin and human nature and has some amazing character studies. I wrote a song about it actually. My favourite quote is:

    Love? An illusion.
    Religion? A fashionable substitute for belief.
    You are a skeptic? Never. Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
    What are you? To define is to limit.

    I do enjoy reading and frankly I should read more I miss it and I have so much to read. Yet i never feel quite relaxed to do so. Which is a shame because other than playing guitar, it's my only rekease
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I don't understand why I've had to go through all of this; why couldn't I have the normal life why couldn't I have a happy family, a happy school environment and why did everything good get ripped away from me? I hate the man who sexually harrased/abused me because now I hate being touched and I get full blown panic attacks if someone touches my privates. I struggle to be sexual with loved ones, I was a kid for God's sake. He got away Scot free and I have to live with the memory and the consequences of what he did to me for two years. And I'm trying to work through it but it's slow. Only 5 years after have I got to a point where I realised it's a problem and I still feel like it was my fault. I don't even like my brothers touching me or them giving me a hug... that upsets me more than upsetting any girl. And the stuff with my family, apparently I have developed issues because of it. Like intense anger, low self esteem, self harming, insecurity, self loathing I litteraly hate myself and struggle to like what I see in the mirror. I met the girl I love because I was depressed and she cared, next day her friend told her to marry me. She's the only one that helps me feel like I can escape this Hell and get better. It was because of a promise I made to her @Eyepath that I started to get help for everything because she was scared for me and worried and I love her so I went and got help. But things keep getting worse and worse and nothing seems to change. I hope you're right that one day over time I can change and move on... but right now all it's doing is holding me back. 

    In the past I have, but after so many years of getting yelled at by my parents for anything I've learnt not to do anything so I don't get yelled at. I have a deep seated fear that I'll get yelled at by the support teams and that none of this is real and it's just in my head. Or my parents could find out and that'd be disastrous! I did speak to one group but it was the NHS crisis team I believe and I skipped college to phone them and went to a different campus and told then stuff (I had to go through details of stuff because my Doctor refered me as she was worried about me cause I was and still am suicidal) but gave up over it and nearly tried to kill myself but gave up on it. Yeah I've been told by my friends the whole padlocking my door open thing is unacceptable and I should get people involved but I don't want to get shouted at so I dont bother. I've got this conviction in my head where if I leave home, I'd not come back! It'd be for good. And I've got a friend I can stay with and in September I plan on asking for acomadation as I am doing another college course with them for 2 years and they sorta know my situation. Whether they help or not is a different matter. 
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    Can't seem to comment on my post for some reason 
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    Can't seem to comment on my post for some reasin
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    Can't seem to comment on my post for some reasin
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    I don't understand why I've had to go through all of this; why couldn't I have the normal life why couldn't I have a happy family, a happy school environment and why did everything good get ripped away from me? I hate the man who sexually harrased/abused me because now I hate being touched and I get full blown panic attacks if someone touches my privates. I struggle to be sexual with loved ones, I was a kid for God's sake. He got away Scot free and I have to live with the memory and the consequences of what he did to me for two years. And I'm trying to work through it but it's slow. Only 5 years after have I got to a point where I realised it's a problem and I still feel like it was my fault. I don't even like my brothers touching me or them giving me a hug... that upsets me more than upsetting any girl. And the stuff with my family, apparently I have developed issues because of it. Like intense anger, low self esteem, self harming, insecurity, self loathing I litteraly hate myself and struggle to like what I see in the mirror. I met the girl I love because I was depressed and she cared, next day her friend told her to marry me. She's the only one that helps me feel like I can escape this Hell and get better. It was because of a promise I made to her @Eyepath that I started to get help for everything because she was scared for me and worried and I love her so I went and got help. But things keep getting worse and worse and nothing seems to change. I hope you're right that one day over time I can change and move on... but right now all it's doing is holding me back. 

    In the past I have, but after so many years of getting yelled at by my parents for anything I've learnt not to do anything so I don't get yelled at. I have a deep seated fear that I'll get yelled at by the support teams and that none of this is real and it's just in my head. Or my parents could find out and that'd be disastrous! I did speak to one group but it was the NHS crisis team I believe and I skipped college to phone them and went to a different campus and told then stuff (I had to go through details of stuff because my Doctor refered me as she was worried about me cause I was and still am suicidal) but gave up over it and nearly tried to hang myself but gave up on it. Yeah I've been told by my friends the whole padlocking my door open thing is unacceptable and I should get people involved but I don't want to get shouted at so I dont bother. I've got this conviction in my head where if I leave home, I'd not come back! It'd be for good. And I've got a friend I can stay with and in September I plan on asking for acomadation as I am doing another college course with them for 2 years and they sorta know my situation. Whether they help or not is a different matter. 

    You are right in that staying with my family is having a negative impact on me. Honestly things have gotten worse for me ever since college finished for the summer. My skins gotten to the point where it looks like I'm a corpse, my eyes look dark and black and my acne is mental. I dont sleep anymore as I don't feel safe I suppose even though that's harsh as it's just the shouting, screaming, throwing, slamming of doors and heavy footsteps and them barging in my room shouting in the past that makes me feel like this. I look dead completely dead and that's just my appearance my mental health is terrible compared to what it was in college. It's like I've jumped off a diving board heading straight into the darkest depths of my life with no escape. I joke that my bedroom is my prison cell. I can't stand weekends let alone an entire summer. I'm trying to reach out to services but whether they help or bother is a different question. 

    I find Dorian Gray quite interesting myself, it offers a good look into corruption, beauty, sin and human nature and has some amazing character studies. I wrote a song about it actually. My favourite quote is:

    Love? An illusion.
    Religion? A fashionable substitute for belief.
    You are a skeptic? Never. Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
    What are you? To define is to limit.

    I do enjoy reading and frankly I should read more I miss it and I have so much to read. Yet i never feel quite relaxed to do so. Which is a shame because other than playing guitar, it's my only rekease
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