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I think I'm feeling suicidal

AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
I'm sorry for posting yet another thread... 
I need serious help..
I'm not sure if this is is serious or not but for some reason horrible thoughts keep coming to my mind and I and afraid
I don't have anyone to talk to and I need someone but have nobody 
Please help
I am not sure if I can keep doing this
I don't know what to do or who to go for
I've started self harming again and all I wanna do is die
All I think about is death
Can anybody help me?
Please?
AifeShaunieGagacharlie88LabraBellLorryTruck
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Comments

  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I don't know what to do with myself anymore
    I feel like giving up then feel bad for thinking that way
    I feel selfish and rude for thinking people would be better off without me around
    But I can't help it and I  hate it
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m dead England 🏠Posts: 11,345 An Original Mixlorian
    So sorry life has got you feeling so deseprate. I wish we could help more & hope that you keep talking to us and help find ways to make life more bearable for you <3 Stay strong 
    X
     
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 844 Part of The Mix Family
    @Ashleen, do you wanna talk about what's making you feel this way? Either way, we're here for you <3 stay strong
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • LunaLuna Posts: 1 Literally just got here
    I know how you feel - I'm currently in a 'stable' period but I'm dreading the inevitable of the feelings coming back. I still remember all too well being at one of my very lowest moments during my stay in hospital a couple of months back. If it is too much to handle I would recommend speaking to a doctor or therapist. They might be able to offer you some help - it doesn't necessarily mean they'll do anything drastic. For example, I have only been admitted to hospital before now because I haven't been compliant with other forms of treatment such as therapy and medication. 

    On the other hand, it might help a lot just to talk to someone on here. I'm always open for chat as I'm sure others are too. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is going through/has gone through the same sort of thing. 

  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    @Lucy307 I think I'm feeling that way cuz its something I've dealt with since my grandfather died.. and I just kept wishing it was me and not him and felt really guilty cuz I know my family loves me but I still think I'd be better for everyone if I was gone.. Its horrible but my family is so sad without my grandfather and my parents fight all the time without him around and when they see I've self harmed they fight even more.. Its horrible selfish for me to think the way I am but I can't seem to help it
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 844 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey @Ashleen

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, losing anyone is so tough. It is not your fault that your parents are fighting nor should you feel guilty about being alive when he's gone. Have you ever brought it up with your family that you feel this way? Do you think you could?

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    No I couldn't talk to them cuz I'm the bad guy right now
    I took a apparently joke literal 
    My day said I was stupid and apparently he was joking by it not sure I understand but right now I want nothing to do with him that's for sure
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 223 Super Moderator
    Hey Ashleen,

    Just wanted to check in as it's been about a week since you posted about your misinterpreting your Dad's joke. Parents taking the mickey is always difficult, especially when the parent is unaware of the child's insecurities. Have you and your Dad talked things through now?

    The guilt and shame you were talking to everyone about (side note: isn't it amazing to see how many people care and look out for you!) sounds a little bit like the impostor syndrome? The anxiety that the impostor syndrome brings with it is normally attributed to the business world but here is a quote from a good article that is not so business focussed:

    "People experiencing imposter syndrome tend to internalize all of their perceived failures and shortcomings. The focus remains on these negative thoughts. When this same person achieves something she's been striving to accomplish, though, she tends to brush it off, minimize its significance, and go right on to the next project that must be done perfectly. This keeps the imposter syndrome alive. Those accomplishments, even small ones, are important. Take time to celebrate your achievements in a way that is meaningful to you. This will help you internalize the fact that you are valuable for who you are, not just for what you do."

    The link to the full article is here https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2017/04/five-ways-to-overcome-anxiety-and-the-imposter-syndrome but no stress if you're not in the mood to read :)

    Remember that those closest to you cannot know you are experiencing this until you communicate with them. Hugs and positive thoughts <3
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    We tried talking it out but it turned into a yelling match... But I think after my surgery on Sunday things will be back to normal.. I know the past year has been hard..
    Since I was told I had a brain tumor that needed to be removed asap.. 
    I hope thongs get better for me.. Its hard knowing I'm not like other people...
    Knowing how different I am
    Aife
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    We all have things that make us different, sometimes we feel isolated due to our differences. But however different you are there will be others who like you because you are unique, and you'll always find something in common with others too. :) 

    Best of luck with the Surgery, I hope recovering from the brain tumor helps give you the strength to push forward and live your life :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Best of luck with your surgery today Ashleen. Hope everything goes okay <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Hello everyone this isn't Ashleen she can't use her phone yet. I'm her brother and she asked me to let you all know the tumor has been removed and she actually should be coming home sometime today she's been stable and actually woke up a few times so I'm happy to say she'll be perfectly fine!! 
    I'll let her explain everything when she can.
    Probably around 6pm tonight 
    MikeAife
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Thank you for the update! 
    Wishing her a full recovery :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • MikeMike Screen addict 🎮 LondonPosts: 2,988 Community Manager
    Ashleen said:
    Hello everyone this isn't Ashleen she can't use her phone yet. I'm her brother and she asked me to let you all know the tumor has been removed and she actually should be coming home sometime today she's been stable and actually woke up a few times so I'm happy to say she'll be perfectly fine!! 
    I'll let her explain everything when she can.
    Probably around 6pm tonight 
    What amazing news!
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Hey guys
    Can't be on long have a limited screen time.. Just wanted to thank everyone for their well wishes.. And I'll try and keep you updated the best I can.. But since I'm on pain meds that knock me out my brother may have to post again for me..
    But thank you so much everybody 
    EyepatchAifeMike
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    I hope you recover soon :) 
    Take it easy until then, and best of luck 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,207 Moderator
    Hope you recover soon Ashleen <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Thank you guys!!
    I'm doing surprisingly well and hope I stay this way!
    My doctor told me 100% 0 chance of getting another tumor so that's good news!
    And that I am to make a full recovery he's very impressed with how well I am already!
    So I'm full of good news and big thanks to everyone here 
    EyepatchShaunie
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Fantastic! 
    Well done! Im so proud that you have come so far, keep it up! 

    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • petal123petal123 EnglandPosts: 21 Confirmed not a robot
    I’m so sorry you feel that way lovely, I’m here if you need anyone to talk to, I know how it feels and it makes you afraid but remember that there are people who care for you and that life will get better for you xxxx
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Hi  everyone I know it been a while and I don't have great news 
    I unfortunately started self harming again I'm not sure how to deal with it all I think is if I hurt myself things will get better and stop hurting those I love 
    All i keep seeing is me hurting and wanting to harm myself
    Does anyone know how to help?
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Could this be connected to the fact you just went though a stressful and taxing operation? You could be still recovering and so more easily fall into bouts of self-harm. How about talking to your family about it? Let them know that you are still recovering and could use some extra support right now?
    Try to stay around others and away from anything that could hurt you, what about asking some friends to meet up with you? You could also try drawing on yourself with pen rather than hurting yourself. 
    Dare is a good mobile app to have when you feel stuck in a situation too.

    You've been so brave recently and overcome so much, you can get through this too. We believe in you :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Maybe
    But the only thing is everything g bothers me 
    My weight my looks
    Ill have a boyfriend on Saturday and I'm hating myself I wanna look prefect like a model but I'll never loom that way.. My operation went fine I mean im pretty much better  
    Laine
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Try to enjoy yourself, think less about how you look and more about whats happening around you. He probably cares more about who you are than what you look like anyway. 
    Pretty much all perfect models have been photoshopped, please try not to compare yourself to standards that don't really exist.

    Have a good time on Saturday :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Gone for GooPosts: 2,467 Boards Champion
    Glad you're doing better Ashleen and wishing you a speedy recovery <3

    I agree with eyepatch take this time to enjoy yourself relax and enjoy getting whatever you crave whenever you want hehe 

    the perfect model doesn't exist as Eyepatch stated most have been altered with photoshop, theres no use in comparing ourselves to standards because nobody would be able to fit that "perfect description"

    he very likely would appreciate your own unique beauty if he loves you for you
    and this does sound like cheesy stuff and it is but i felt significantly better when i realized it.

    it can help to mention one part of yourself you particularly like it can be mental or physical and compliment it everyday then move on to other things and compliment those.

    i really hope you're doing well and remember we're here for you 

    much love xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille

    "Here's to the ones that we got
    Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not" ~ Maroon 5
    Eyepatch
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Thank you guys..
    Good news I do now have a boy friend who's very supportive but I still feel like some things wrong with me..
    It could very well be my operation and how stressful that was..
    I just hope things workout and I do get better and not be sad and relapse again.. That's what I'm really afraid of 
  • EyepatchEyepatch Smol Bean Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    If you feel yourself relapsing then try to call your boyfriend or come here to the Mix, you can also call a helpline. Try to put away anything that could hurt you and find a safe place to relax :) 

    You are brave.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I've out everything that could hurt me away either locked in the attic or in the garbage and my boyfriend is the greatest guy my dads aunt and my moms sent both passed away one on August 30th the other yesterday which isnt easy  on  my parents so I'm hoping my boyfriend can be there and help me
    Laine
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m dead England 🏠Posts: 11,345 An Original Mixlorian
    edited September 2018
    Ashleen said:
    I've out everything that could hurt me away either locked in the attic or in the garbage and my boyfriend is the greatest guy my dads aunt and my moms sent both passed away one on August 30th the other yesterday which isnt easy  on  my parents so I'm hoping my boyfriend can be there and help me
    Hey Ashleen. I’m So Sorry to hear.
    But it is great to read that your boyfriend is great & put self harm stuff away. We are here for you aswell. Hope you’re okay
     
  • AshleenAshleen London Ontario CanadaPosts: 108 The Mix Convert
    So my family hit another railroad my dad just lost his job my mother doesn't work I don't have a job and now my family has no money coming in at all...
    I have a chance to win $1000  From a writing contest at my school but I'm not sure if I can or should do it 
    EyepatchAife
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