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Made a big mistake

Hi,

I was 21 and I met a girl of 16, we had some sexual activity and would exchange images (sext) also screengrabbed her snaps without her knowledge, I didn’t realise this was illegal and now can’t stop thinking about this mistake. She was too young I should have known better.
I’m having councelling & meds but can’t acceot that I am technically a sex offender and feel this is awful

I reported this to the nspcc and the police who said they would not take any action. If I could believe that it’s not so bad I could maybe move on, is this possible? 

Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,190 The Mix Elder
    edited July 2018

     

    Hey & welcome

    Self forgiveness can be soo hard. I understand & personally find it so hard for myself too. 


     i dont know anyoone who hasnt done something wrong or wont do - but you even admit it & tried to see the consquesense of the actions. Many dont even feel guilt or shame and thats imo the worst. But you do. & Many go further than just screengrabbing with intetions knowing is wrong. But Now all you can do is turn yourself into a better person & learn & be more mindful of things.   Did it make you feel any better after reporting it? You have shared it with others so dont even have to be alone with it. I agree that if the police dont wanna take action that can help to see that its not se as that bad as your mind makes out so can help move on


    Dont let it take away your happiness. feel some of that guilt but not forever- actknowlege its there and accept it then learn to forgive yourself and move on. Know easier said than done tho


    It doesnt define who you are and it doesnt make you a bad person. At all. & you seem like you really care. I think speaking to someone about it with someone like your cousellor could help & overtime will realise there is nothing that can change our mistakes. & that We all have make them.  


    Please be patient and gentle to yoursef. Because guilt can take massiveee toll on mental health and that is Not what you deserve

    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    anthony95
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 617 Extreme Poster
    Hey @anthony95

    Totally echo everything @Shaunie said above, we all make mistakes, it's part of growing up and being human. Admitting to yourself you have made a mistake is a massive thing and is really hard, and it's even harder to admit it to others. I hope telling the NSPCC and Police and the way they reacted may have been relieving for you in some way? 

    I understand you cannot take back what was done, but you can move on now, you have done all the right things by accepting it and reporting it - there are a lot of people out there who have done similar or worse and would not do this. You can forgive yourself. You have taken steps forward already so please just continue trying, keep up the counselling and ultimately you need to be kind to yourself. 

    We're here if you want to chat any more.

    - Lucy  <3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
    anthony95
  • anthony95anthony95 Posts: 4 Noob
    Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate this and I will to try to see things that way.

    Reporting it helped a little bit but can’t help to feel that I’ve got away with it. I am struggling to get past the fact she is considered a child and the laws I have broken were very serious.

    I keep reading opinions about this online and the negative ones really affect me, I fear how people will judge me.

  • anthony95anthony95 Posts: 4 Noob
    @Lucy307 @Shaunie

    Thank you 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,190 The Mix Elder
    edited July 2018
    Hey again. Glad we helped. Im not sure where you live but in the UK age of consent is 16. But im not sure on the details of that so dont wanna comment too much about the laws and stuff. 

    It doesnt sound like you “got away with it” ; with this guilt eating you

    I think it would helped you to read things online about how we should forgive ourself about wrong things we have done - not about the situation its self. What do you think? Ive done this myself and have felt better for it. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • anthony95anthony95 Posts: 4 Noob
    @Shaunie
    Hey, I’m UK too. Just not legal for sexting U18

    I see your point and want to try that.
    I am trying to reach that level but I’m not over the guilt stage yet and I have to believe that it is something that I can move on from and society would be forgiving of.



  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,190 The Mix Elder
    edited July 2018
    Oh i understand bit better now. i didnt know that myself either tbh


    But think about it if it was someone else. Would you bully soemone for it even though they didnt know, and feel bad already and even went to police? ....no? So why bully and do it to yourself all the time with your thoughts and self hate. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 115 Moderator

    Hello @anthony95

     

    Glad to see you have had Shaunie and Lucy307 to talk to about this. Verbalising what is in our head often enables us to tease out thoughts that we maybe didn’t even fully realise were present, until we write them down.

     

    Having read over the conversation it’s interesting that in your last comment you recognise that you may not be over the ‘guilt stage’ yet. By having spoken with the police and the NSPCC it could be said that you have reacted appropriately and maturely to the situation. Despite that, nobody can rush how the mind processes events and emotions. The fact that you interestingly said ‘stage’, a duration of time that has a definite end and that leads on to other things, could show that you already see there is an end to what you are currently feeling and experiencing.

     

    The situation you find yourself in is a weird one as it shows how almost paradoxical the law can be. The steps of communication that you have taken so far are brilliant, and a question that springs to mind is how you would feel speaking with the girl who you shared the images with? As you have expressed your apologies and regret to everyone else who might need to be involved in this situation, the only person left who you maybe haven’t spoken to is the girl?

     

    A resource that you might find interesting is Relate, an online community that offers counselling service for any type of relationship. The website, which I have left a link to at the bottom of this post, has some interesting articles and blogs that you might find useful. Completely chill if you don’t fancy visiting the website, but I will leave the link here nonetheless 😊

     

    Hope this helps in one way or another, and remember that this sort of conversation – one based on honesty, bravery and empathy – is exactly what the Mix is here for.

     

    Stay truthful 😊


    https://www.relate.org.uk/blog

  • MattKMattK Posts: 12 Fast Newbie
    edited July 2018
    Hi, I just hope I can empathize with you a bit on how you're feeling by sharing my own experience. I coach a sport and am in college, the people I coach are in high school. I was 19 and the girl I met was 17 going on 18 and we had a couple of dates and really nothing very sexual. I felt a lot of guilt for even just dating her a couple of times though. I felt like I was supposed to be a model figure for the kids and not dating them, but it just kind of happened that way with this person, and honestly, it was completely natural how it happened. It was tough to deal with it at first, but I kept a lot of that stuff inside, and ended up getting more involved with the person than I think I really meant to because I was too afraid to tell anyone how it truly felt--it's such an awkward position. It's definitely good that you're willing to open up and that will help you make good decisions going forward and also to keep a clear conscience. Keep it up :). My advice would be to let this person know how it made you feel and set the bar there if she contacts you in the future!
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