What up, I'm Shay, I'm 17, and I never fuckin learned how to feel

megoobian

This might seem like a whole lot of rambling, but I’m just going to try my best to write exactly what’s on my mind and exactly how I feel about it. It’s always really hard to find the right words to describe things, which makes me feel alone, as if nobody has a word for my feelings, because I’m the only one who feels them. From what I’ve read, this is called alexithymia. It just feels like nobody understands me, especially not myself.

Even the words I’m typing here feel inauthentic, as if I’m pretending to be someone who I’m not. I’m just trying to be myself, but it never works. I don’t know who “myself” is. I feel like I’m writing someone else’s thoughts, or writing what I should be thinking rather than what I am thinking. Because, in a sense, all of my thoughts are inauthentic. They’re just what I expect myself to think based on what other people usually think when they’re in my situation. I think I should feel happy most of the time, because my circumstances are really good from an objective point of view, but thinking that never makes me feel happy. It just makes me feel ungrateful and rude because I’m not feeling happy naturally.

It always feels good to receive validation for my thoughts. I tend to find myself searching for it. Is it okay to feel this way? Do other people feel this way? Should I change the way I feel about this? How am I supposed to feel about this? The last question is typically the most common, because I usually don’t feel any specific way about anything from the start. I look at it from several angles and ask myself how the vast majority of people would react to it, and I tend to take on that point of view, even if I don’t strongly believe in it. Because I don’t strongly believe in anything. I have a sense of right and wrong from an objective standpoint, so I know what things are typically considered good and what things are typically considered bad. But I never feel personally affected whenever something really “good” or really “bad” happens to me. My first kiss, a moment I dreamed of a lot as a child, didn’t evoke any positive emotional response in me. My cat’s death didn’t evoke any negative emotional response in me. They’re just events to me. I feel shockingly numb whenever something that’s supposed to be really emotional happens.

It hasn’t always been this way. I remember that I used to feel strongly about a lot of things as a kid. I loved cats, I loved Good Mythical Morning, I loved writing, I loved reading, I loved hanging out with my friends, and I just loved life in general. I even felt other emotions, like hatred and annoyance, towards certain things. But now I just don’t feel anything. To make matters worse, I’m surrounded by friends who are super passionate about everything, so I often feel defective and wish I could be like them, or I feel like I need to pretend to be someone I’m not. My boyfriend especially has an incredible amount of passion and emotion. I feel terrible whenever I watch an emotional movie with him, because he’s usually really touched with tears in his eyes while I’m just sitting beside him feeling nothing.

It sounds like depression. Everything I search about myself on the internet amounts to “you’re probably depressed”. That does make sense, because I used to have passion, but I lost it. And I don’t feel like there’s a lot of hope in finding it again. Hopelessness and a loss of interest in things you used to enjoy are common symptoms of depression. But I don’t feel like depression alone is causing all of this. I feel like there has to be another culprit in there too. I know a lot of depressed people who still have strong opinions about things, unlike me. There are depressed people who can still feel emotions, like anger and sadness and even brief spurts of happiness, unlike me. I’m just stuck in apathy. On the few occasions which I feel a little bit of emotion, I cling to it. Even if it’s a negative emotion, like sadness, I don’t want it to go away. It just feels good to feel something. I’d rather be sobbing and emotionally distraught than feeling nothing. But nothing makes me feel anymore.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m wondering if I ever did feel anything or if I’ve been faking it my whole life. I try to think back to moments where I was overwhelmed with feelings but they don’t seem real. Anger especially confuses me. How did I ever feel angry about anything? Nothing would be able to make me so intensely frustrated these days. It just feels like nothing matters enough to get worked up about I guess. It’s a blessing and a curse, because nothing makes me feel bad, but I can’t feel happy either. I feel like a robot. I’m living my life day-by-day with no emotions and no end goal. I don’t feel like I have a purpose.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for in posting this. I’d appreciate any kind of response. I guess I’m mainly looking for someone to tell me what else could be “wrong” with me (other than depression). Other than that, I’m open to receiving any advice as to how to get out of this mindset, or even just some reassurance that I’m not alone and that someone out there feels the way I do. I’d also like to hear about how you guys feel, and what words you use to describe it, because I’m always looking for new people and phrases to relate to.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this, and thanks a ton if you take the time to respond.

[Deleted User]

Hello

You wrote a good post, actually it read like a pretty good blog to me, though I've never heard of alexithymia, can relate to a few of the things you mentioned. For example, though I have a soft heart, not all films move me either, whereas they bring tears to others. Most times I'll fall asleep unless it's an action movie and there's a bucket of popcorn being passed round. I'm more a music kind of woman. Do you play a musical instrument? I used to be in a band, but busk around the towns now.

Although you talked about being seemingly emotionally detached, it might not be practcial to self-diagnose but rather to find something that you can really enjoy and get into. I'm not qualified to say if one suffers an emotional disorder. That's for a doctor to diagnose. And don't self-diagnose about this depression you think you might have. You might be going through a phase of general pissedoffness, you know? I'm an official member of the Piss & Moan About Everything Club and have the T shirt to prove it.

It sounds like you're trying to find yourself. Have you ever taken a thermos of tea down to the water's edge and enjoyed just being there? I do this, sometimes take a radio. Or do a bit of sea fishing or go off in my boat with my youngster Sophie and just enjoy the day. Take some sandwiches. You see, I think we can spend far too much time inwardly thinking when really we just need to turn off the phone and go out for while. Because time out, even chopping logs can bring back a passion for life. My ex who used to have writer's block went out and chopped logs to clear her head. And it worked. Have you considered taking up a hobby? Like an offroading club for cyclists or surfing? Getting outside helps clear the mind, and I always come home refreshed.

Take a notebook and pencil out with you. Jot down thoughts. Take a while to think things. Maybe get an inspiration for a peom, or like me, some more lyrics for my next album. The possibilities are endless and while the weather is being so fantastic though hot, great being out.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about how you feel? Has he already said something? Are you two happy together, even? Do you share interests? These activities I believe bring together a happy relationship. Think on that.

It doesn't matter whatever you are looking for in your post. I thought it was a jolly interesting read and I thank you.

Best wishes,

Mandy

JamJar

Hey @megoobian

Your post is very descriptive and it does paint a reasonably vivid picture for how apathetic you feel towards life and how, annoyingly, that has not always been the case in the past. I’m not looking to provide any diagnoses here, but perhaps this might offer another perspective on things 😊

When you initially said that you don’t feel like any of the English language feels authentic, a question that popped up into my head is whether you have tried dipping into the dictionaries of other languages? Other languages, such as German or Swedish, have words that express concepts and emotions that we as English speakers have never fully heard expressed in one word before.

Similarly, lots of Eastern languages such as Chinese, Japanese or Thai express very different emotional meaning than the English language. If, for example, you type into Google “the difference in mental health between the western world and the eastern world” some of the articles that come up are very interesting. It’s incredible to think of how powerful language is at constructing our subjective experience, and so maybe it might be useful for you to venture out into some other languages and see whether there are any words that you find authentic?

You seem to feel pressure stemming from comparing yourself with your boyfriend or your friends who appear to be very emotional. I wondered whether you have ever practised mindfulness meditation? The practise of meditation teaches you not to judge anything that you feel or experience, instead just acknowledging that it’s there and appreciating that it will most likely change very soon. Because of this mindset, I thought it might prove an interesting avenue of investigation to pursue? Of course, no stress at all if it isn’t for you.

Otherwise, just as Floxy said about trying to do different things, like picking up a hobby, a sport, going for walks out in nature or simply cooking yourself a nice meal might help. Sounds like you are going through a very difficult situation but your mindset and your strength will help you through. It’s just about making the little steps. Hope you find this useful, and always remember there are people who care and who are listening at The Mix.