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Upcoming appiontments

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
edited June 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
i have an appiontment for medical/ meds review woth bpd service on 5th. I duno how is going to go because looking and thinking about pills actually makes me wanna be sick

i also have an appiontment with the BPD service on 8th. Which gave to me when i attempt suicide wednsday. They told me it is an intial appiontment with new care co ordiator to begin treatment for BPD. Has anyone had that sort of appiontment before ? Do they mean to talk about treatment and start it soon after that or do they mean that appiontment is the start of treatment? Im obviously grateful for these appiontments

but my ISVA told me she would leave me once the BPD starts seeing me and wont leave me until i have support. So i dunno if this means she will leave me now. Cause she is lovely. And now im thinking i get too emtionally attached to professionals - which is weird right ? And honestly when they leave me i get into massive crisis like i have done in past. Or when any type of support permantly stops- i get really unstable and back into a crisis. And now thats making me think do i even want therapy because that is time limited and also will stop and will be sad when leave. Is it werid to get emtionally attached to professionals? Does anyone else? Cause i remember when i was younger with camhs and they talked about it like it was unusal and another sympom of BPD. And i remeber one time when i was having an appoitment about discharge (i knew the appiontment was about discharge and they said it as nicely and could) but i just ended up harming myself after and in hospital and just really sensetive in those terms and stuff

my isva is coming with me to my meds reviews so knows about that.  But she doesnt know about the starting treatmenet appiontment because that was gave to me in hospital. But i dont wanna tell her incase it means she will leave me. But its mostly likely they will speak about it in the meds review?:/:(
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
Post edited by Siena on
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Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Not like anyone cares. But ISVA sent me a message and asked how i was. I told her what happened on wesnday and then told her my concerns about getting attached to people and that shes gunna leave now ive had that letter and appiontment coming
    I dont think i worded it okay. Shes replied though  I think she thinks im a right odd ball and weirdo
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 29 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Shaunie,

    Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I want to assure you that we in The Mix community do care, and we are here to listen to you and to provide you with as much support as we can. It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot of concern about your upcoming appointments. Would you feel comfortable voicing your concerns about taking the medication at the medical review?

    It is perfectly normal to feel some emotional attachment to professionals, especially as they are helping you through such a difficult time. Getting support from someone and then having it taken away must be really difficult. It is great that you shared your concerns with your ISVA and with us. Would you be willing to tell us more about why you think your ISVA thinks these things about you?

    Please feel free to keep us updated after you've had your appointment so we can all see how you're doing!

    Best,
    Greta
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    edited September 18
    Hey @Shaunie, it's totally normal to get attached to professionals, you tell them more about your feelings and experiences than most other people in your life... and they actually care (again sometimes more than most other people...)! I completely understand and empathise with that. How's the conversation with your ISVA going now? 

    Good luck with the meds review tomorrow, as @Past User says make sure you voice any concerns about taking pills there. They should have your best interests at heart  <3

    - Lucy 
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Thank yous💜

    well my ISVA didnt say anything that showed she thought i was an odd ball. I just think she probably thinks that aha.
    She said -  she hasnt given up on me and that im desperatly alone and have needed someone to support me for awhile now. And told me to keep the appiontment for friday as i need help. But that probably means she will probably be leaving me cause will get support😭😭😭 unless i wanted to go further with the police. But i dont want to do it atm cause she was the one who put me off that whole idea. 

    Now im really stressed about my appiontment for tomorrrow about meds cause i dont want to agree to start meds again if i know full well i am not up to taking them regularly and i tell them that but they just like to prescibe it. And i dont wanna pay for something that will not work if dont take it properly or end up misusing it.
     And isva is taking me to it and i dont wanna see her tbh. And safer to stay in bed or kill mysel cause i cant handle life and i dont want a new care co ordiator or help cause i dont know them. And i mean i didnt know isva. But then i dont want to know anyone cause people leave me on my own and this whole discussion must be sooooooo really pathetic to read. Sorry
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    They cancled my meds review today they said tey will rearrange soon (but doubt it) But i still saw ISVA thsi morning for an hour. We spoke a while. And i don’t know she hasnt talked about discharge and said shes happy about my appiontment on friday but just sad shes off that day so she cant come with me and was asking if wanna ask them to change it. Which i dont wanna be a bother to them so just will keep it. Eventho id feel better if she came. But isva made an appointment to see her on Tuesday again and she said we can talk then about what to do and stuff after ive had my appiontment on friday

    i dont wanna be alive til then 😭 feel like killin myself 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey Shaunie, 

    I'm really sorry to hear that your appointment got cancelled today. Hopefully it's not too long before they rearrange another appointment for you. It's really nice that your isva still saw you this morning and talked things through with you. It's a shame she can't come with you to your appointment on Friday. How do you feel about going on your own and then talking things through with her on Tuesday? 

    It sounds like you're feeling really worried about your ISVA leaving you which is understandable. Like Lucy and Greta mentioned, it's completely normal to feel attached and it can be really hard saying goodbye to someone that's been there for us. It's also understandable to hear how you're feeling about having a new care coordinator. It's can be really hard opening up to someone and then having to start that all again with someone new and knowing they are going to leave eventually. Like you mentioned though, you didn't know you're isva and it sounds like she's been so supportive and you've really appreciated her being there. Hopefully the new person will be just as nice and supportive as your isva has been. What have you found most helpful about her support? 

    Really nice that she said she hasn't given up on you. :) 

    Stay strong Shaunie :) 

    - Aife



    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Heya 
    Thank you for listening Aife

    i dont really wanna see isva on tuesday as could be to say shes discharging me😭. But obviously will still go to it. I just liked she was v empatheic and understanding and actually tried to help. Some professionals do not properly listen:/

    im quite nervious about my appionment tommorrow and really dont wanna go😭 get so anxious to new people & hate it so much. its so early aswell

    I had got a letter from the hospital saying about my review i had on the Wedsnday last week. They said they wanna continue to review me under their service. The crisis team never sent that so dunno what is for. Probably goes nowhere. But they have sent me a questionaire to fill in then send back. But atleast One is a survey so i can tell them how rude someone was to me once and that i wouldnt recommend them to anyone
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    So the appiontment went okay. She seems really nice & helpful and i see her again in two weeks. And see her regularly with like 2-3 weeks everytime - for a bit so she gets to know me and know what treatmenet will be best and talk about crisis stuff.
     All the treament is group discussion stuff. Which yeah tbh i dunno how i feel about that cause im so anxious. With like 8-10 people in each session to talk about ways to cope ect. First group is DBT then i think i choose between occupational group or MBT (have no idea what that is) and all is about 9 months to a year treatmenet

    she also said that the police not wanting to go any further wtih sexual assault because im “unstable” is really offensive and that maybe she could ring the police as shouldnt be adviser on what to do. Which yeah i dunno what i think about cause ive conviced i should not be reporting the sexual abuse. But she said to discus that more next time i see her. 

    Anyway the treatmenet sounds hopeful even tho im so anxious with groups. So dunno. And i dunno if this means my ISVA Will be discharging me if i see a care co ordiator every 2-3 weeks. 

    does anyoen have any expereince with group therapy or soemthing or DBT or MBT?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    No one. Caress 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Im so emtional today. I dunno why.😭😭😭😭 But couldnt handle work either and it was so so hard not to tell everyone to fuck off. I keep crying 😭😭😭😭 i dunno what is wrong with me but it is very pathetic and embarrassing to type - but i think its because my ISVA is gunna discharge me and al support is going to leave me in the end. And im too emtionally attached its ridiclous and pathetic. But everyone is gunna leave me because im a burden and i think even this site will leave me and ban me cause im a burden and cant stop cryin. 😭😭😭😭Omg kil me😭😭😭😭😭

    i think this is why i stay in bed and have no friends. So wont feel sad when people leave me. Im going to have no life 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 cant handle anythin😭😭😭😭😭😭

    My lil dog is helping me so much rn though. 🙃🐶🐶
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited June 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    Really well done for going to your appointment on Friday, I know you mentioned you were feeling quite nervous about it and didn't want to go. It can be horrible going to appointments, especially on your own. You are so brave :) 

    It's really great to hear the appointment went okay and the lady seemed nice and helpful. It sounds like she talked through quite a lot with you and the different treatment options available. It's nice she wants to get to know you and find out what treatment would be best for you. Do you think you'd find it helpful to talk through things in group sessions? 

    From your post yesterday, it sounds like everything is feeling really overwhelming at the moment. How are you feeling today?

    There's a lot happening so it's understandable for things to be feeling really tough and for work to feel challenging too. It sounds like your Isva's been the first person that's really understood everything you're going through and has tried to do everything she can to be there for you - I remember you said she text you on her day off once. It's not easy at all when someone that's so supportive is going to leave. I'm sorry to hear that you feel everyone else is going to leave too. You're not alone in how you're feeling, a lot of people do feel attached and it's understandable for you to be feeling worried about having no support. 

    How do you feel now after meeting this new lady and knowing this treatment will be a bit longer and could last up to 12 months? Would you find it helpful to talk through with her what happens when treatment finishes? 

    I hope your meeting with your Isva on Tuesday goes okay. Let us know how you get on :) 

    - Aife

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you very much for listening & help! :)

    im doing better today and lot less emtional.
    I dont know what i think about group sessions. I can get really shy sometimes so i dunno if id be able to even speak in them or not. Esp in groups- with as many as 10. I would like to think i would be able to but then idk it could be intimidating and embarrassing. But i think i worry too much about being judged but idek why i care so much and guess theyre in similar position & probs have same worries

    I think up to 12 months is longer than i thought. &We did actually speak a bit about support after discharge and that they do spend a while with the person speaking about discharge and helping them to get support else where if needed and she said can help find other support like at Mind and other places. Which was reassuring to hear. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    Hope you're doing OK? Sounds like there is progress being made, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes! Assuming you haven't been to group sessions before, that will be a different & new experience? As you say, I don't think anyone would be at the group sessions if they were going to judge you, they are probably worrying about very similar things. Hope it goes well - when's your first session?

    It's great to hear you will now be supported for 12 months, that is a long time and also for them to have a plan after discharge is so comforting so you don't have to feel alone again. 

    Is it tomorrow you're seeing your ISVA again? How are you feeling about that?  <3

    - Lucy 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Heya 
    thank you

    had the appiontment with ISVA today. It went okay and she isnt discharging me just yet and said she wants to see me well supported and trusting someone before she leaves. And said she felixable with who she can see ect. Which is lovely :)  i just assumed shed never wanna see me again. But said will but maybe not as regular. & said shed be sad when leave and is normal feeling. 
    But im feeling really rough and really sick today.:( 😭🤢maybw from drinking last night/ early morning :(

    Im not too sure on when i would start the session with the groups. But i think is obviously worth to try before get skeptical. Yeah ive Never had it before. 

    And they did make a new appiontment for meds review which is tuesday now. And think i would wannna start meds again
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Im v sad and suicidal today. I really hate myself and keep self harming today😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
    police came round my house and they said theyre going to send out a safe guarding vulnerable adults form and took my photo and stuff - they said they did it because i wouldnt speak to them. It was exact same police woman i saw in my last crisis and she said that its good i am having appiontments but im clearly not getting enough supoort and in danger to myself - so she said shes gunna do safe guarding thing to “make things happen quicker” um that is unlikely - as no one cares that ive been in deep crisis for a few months now and v suicidal and that aint gunna make no difference what so ever.  And im now getting support with my care co ordiator which wasnt happening in last crisis

    Honestly just want to die. 😭😭😭😭😭Im so sad. Im just a burden and i just hate myself so much. And so alone 😭😭😭😭😭😭 have no future and there is no point in life
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    On the way to one of these appiontments, i bumped into an old friend and we spoke for a lil. I thught it was gunna be so awkward cause i never reply to her messages or anyone elses. But she seemed understanding and was all totally okay. But ive been replying to her now and she wants to meet some time. I havent meet up with a friend for agess and pretty anxious
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    I know no one probably actually cares and im lik speaking to myself rn. But yeah will just write here for my sake anyway. 


    I have the appiontment for meds Tuesday (one that got canceled). I dunno what they will say. But i hope to go on meds cause yeah dont care what shit they give me now, just want it to stop😭 even tho i hate taking pills
    but anyway after my appiontment im meeting my old friend. Which im so scared about. We was pretty close in school so it shouldnt be awkward and it wasnt really awkward when i saw her. But like i feel like i hvent meet someone in a while ive probs forgot social norms lol and concious id be a weirdo. I dont think so tho lol. 

    And its encoarged me to reply to some of my other old friends as they may also not mind i hvent been relying.  So yeah i have replied to another old friend and shes lovely and sooo funny. and are meeting Thursday. :)

    and i see my care co ordinator again on friday. She will probably talk to me about what the police said last week when they came to me. Which yeah i dunno what will say. No one cares that i want to hurt myself in such a way. And that i feel i will so. As whatever filter i had before to stop me generally self harmin is fading and feel will hurt myself in other way soon that could kil me. But yeah she probably wont care or take that seriously. But all i wish for is that i do harm myself in such way. 

    - my CC also wanted to talk to me about reporting sexual abuse to the police. I told this to my ISVA that CC said it was ‘offesensive’ to tell someone they was unstable to go further into reporting abuse. And ISVA told me that other professionals are quick to judge others professions and that she doesnt know what they base the advice on. And she said doing a video statement would not only stress me out after (as saying it alll out loud for the first time) but if im this unstable i wouldnt be clear im the statement and then theres no re doing it. I mean i have reported it to the police and informed them. So that is something in its self and if anyone reports the same thing than they have the fact someone else has also said the same about the person. So will tell that to my CC. But i think she is keen that formally reporting it will massively help me. I really dont know if it will or not. 
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Im an attetion seeker
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    :) .
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Im so sad😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Deactivated Posts: 29 Boards Initiate
    edited June 2018

    Hi @Shaunie,


    It’s great to hear that you ran into an old friend and are planning on meeting up with her tomorrow! I don’t think you’ll be a weirdo 😊 If you were close before it sounds like it should be easy to pick up where you left off. I’m also happy to hear that speaking with her has encouraged you to reach out to your other old friends!


    As for your upcoming appointments, do you think writing down what you might say to your care coordinator would help you prepare for the appointment on Friday? It also sounds like a good idea to communicate with your CC about your hesitations with formally reporting abuse. Do you think talking more to your ISVA about other options besides formally reporting/making a video statement would be helpful as well? Getting more information might be beneficial to figuring out what your next step might be.


    I’m so sorry to hear how much you’ve been struggling lately, but I want to encourage you to keep sharing updates about your appointments here. Please let us know how your medication appointment and meeting up with your old friends goes!  <3


    Best,

    Greta


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    Please do keep posting because altho we're not all here every day, we do care and want to keep talking! I know you have been struggling lately but you have also been extremely strong seeking help and picking yourself back up after being knocked down by silly comments etc from people who are meant to be 'professional'. You've got this far <3. Let us know how the meds review goes - is that tomorrow??

    How do you think you would feel about formally reporting it - I know that's what you were going to do, but sounds like your ISVA put you off? Do you think it would give you some closure or make you feel better?

    I was so happy to read you bumped into an old friend who encouraged you to reach out to others :) it's totally natural to be anxious seeing people after a while but think it will be really good for you - I'm excited for you!! Let us know how you get on!

    - Lucy 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    thanks 

    but the last time i replied to my friend im suppose to meet today was on sunday. She texted yesterday but i aint replied.hate myself. So rudeeee
     Im suicidalI cant cope. I don’t know why i isolate myself so much😭😭😭😭😭
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    I havw managed to go to my meds appiontment tho and just had it. 

    To talk just about meds it took what felt like forever. Took an hour and asked so many questions. One point thought she was gunna say cant have anything cause of self harm use and potinetally overdosing on it. She said if i do that once i will be off it straight away. But she said she gunna prescribe sedative of promethazine. Which i can take in morning and towards night. Which could sedate me and make me tired. 

    I dunno. Has anyone used promethazine before and found it helpful? I dunno why but it doesnt sound like a v strong stuff. That would sedate me when in crisis.  And its like used for like allergic reactions too. Like what is it even strong. I want to be knocked out aha
    but said she will send out prescribe to my gp and should be able to get it next week
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Im meeting friend soon. Not the one i saw while going to my appiontment. But jsut one been messagsing for few days. Dont think will be awkward. And for awhile i havent canceled or just not replied 🙃 lol that makes me sound like one of those annoying rude friends

    Also see care co ordinator tomorrow and dunno what will say
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    edited June 2018
    Hey @Shaunie

    It's really nice to hear that you're meeting up with some of your old friends again. How was it seeing your friend today? It's really nice that other friend you bumped into was understanding about everything. Hopefully the friend you saw today was just as understanding and didn't make things too awkward :) 

    It's really positive that you went along to your meds appointment. Sounds like it was quite an intense appointment with all those questions, but reassuring to hear she might have found something that might potentially help. Although it sounds like you're feeling a bit unsure about the medication you've been prescribed and not feeling sure about it helping when you're feeling in crisis. Do you feel you can raise some of your thoughts and concerns with your GP or anyone that you saw at the appointment? 

    I hope your appointment with your Care Coordinator goes okay tomorrow. It can be hard knowing what to say in appointments. Perhaps writing things down might be helpful? 

    In your post earlier, you mentioned a bit about talking to your ISVA about what your Care Coordinator said about reporting sexual abuse to the police. I'll just copy some of what you said below:

    - my CC also wanted to talk to me about reporting sexual abuse to the police. I told this to my ISVA that CC said it was ‘offesensive’ to tell someone they was unstable to go further into reporting abuse. And ISVA told me that other professionals are quick to judge others professions and that she doesnt know what they base the advice on. And she said doing a video statement would not only stress me out after (as saying it alll out loud for the first time) but if im this unstable i wouldnt be clear im the statement and then theres no re doing it. I mean i have reported it to the police and informed them. So that is something in its self and if anyone reports the same thing than they have the fact someone else has also said the same about the person. So will tell that to my CC. But i think she is keen that formally reporting it will massively help me. I really dont know if it will or not. 

    It sounds like you're getting some conflicting opinions and advice from both your Care Coordinator and ISVA which can make everything feel really difficult. How do you feel about everything they've said? Deep down what do you feel is best for you right now? 

    Also, really nice to hear that your ISVA is still going to see you until she feels you're well supported. She's so nice! 

    Take care Shaunie, hope everything goes okay tomorrow! Let us know how you get on! :) 

    - Aife


    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Thank you @Aife


    I think it would really help me to formally report it. But yeah what do i know. But guess it is why i try reported it in the first place. But yeah different advice. But aint the greatests of feeling when finally say it to the police - makes it all feel twice as real and bring it more to surface - for it to then go to an dead end and be left alone with it all over again. If make sense. I told ISVA this and yeah it didnt change her advice. 

    Had my appiontment with CC. Didnt speak about ^ cause didnt wanna. But spoke about how, what happened mades me feel disgusting and hate myself  And yeah she was quite helpful with what she was saying

    But anyway. Shit thing is i need to ring my gp for my perscription yet hate phone calls. So i dunno ill see if i can ask at the reception today as maybe able to get it before the weekend. Hope so cause i feel like shit

    Promethazine is actually a strong sedative so hopefully help. Dont wanna be twice as tired for whole days tho 



    And actually really enjoyed spending time with friend yesterday -sat by a river for while then we went to an trapped (escapse room) - which was interesting and different. And she said she spoke with other old friends and that they really wanna see me and that we could all go on a night out in different town. 
    But feeling v sad today cause know wont happen cause i hardly reply to people & just v distant and self harmed last night :(

    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    Omg just realise because im getting prescriptions weekly so i dont overdose. Id be paying £8.80 every week that is like £36 every month instead of one perscription every month of £8.80. Extra £28 a month for the exact same thing.

    you pay the stand eight pounds no matter what the prescriptions are. I think? Does anyone know?

    They dont care if i overdose they just want my money😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    edited June 2018
    I dont feel sad today. Feel lil happy actually🙃. Which is weird when ive had work. Dunno what i feel. Cause im still thinking of dying. Think im psycho . Is like i have an obsession or ive been thinking of it for so long that im jus daring myself to do it

    idk either that or i jus see no point in living 
    maybe i should become Religious
    Post edited by Siena on
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Jesus needs to intervene
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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