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**TW??**Unwanted thoughts of going back to abusive relationship

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
in Sex & Relationships
*****Maybe triggeringg??***** ( contrains possible form of self harm?). (Dunmo if should be here or health section)
I keep thinking things i dont really want to do or dont really want to be thinking. Think mostly out of lack of self worth.

keep thinking of going back to an abusive guy, thinking will be answer to everything rn. because he is an actual sicko who deserves to die but i haven't reported so he could be doing it to someine else right now just because i havent reported it. Atm there are a few barriers to reporting it and i just feel i need to go back so he is doing it to me and not someone else.

And i am pretty sure i was less depressed in the relationship. And i know that is probably because so much going on and was probably more scared and didnt have time to be depressed. But i am so fed up of being depressed and rather feel anything even if that is fear and scared all the time.

I feel it is only thing i am good at &what i deserve and i had a purpose then and now i have none cause im not even being used. Just in bed being pretty useless. And not even being noticed. And i feel so alone. - that probs sounds so deserapte . Fml i hate myself

I dont want to go back into the relationship but i tend to do things i dont want to do because i hate myself and feel it is all i deserve. So i dont really know how to stop these thoughts. I have had these thoughts before & got told that it is a form of self harm but they didnt last very long and went but have them again but thinking about it so much and even nearly sending messages to the sick guy who deserve to die. But tbh i dunno how it would even work. His faces makes me feel sick and I feel so much anger even thinking about him. But like i feel i don't ever wanna harm myself but i do. And if this is a form of self harm then i feel i will end up doing it and regretting it cause fimding it hard to get out of the relationship.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Okay well this doesnt matter now. Cause i tried to text to him this morning. Wanting to go back... but ive got too angry and hes being a right prick and will not admit it the stuff he did. He has apologise saying hes sorry i felt force. That is not enough. Want him to admit it. Defiently not going back to him . He then started putting blame on me instead. Saying i emtionally abused him and that i was racists to him and that i made him feel unattractive and said i didnt want brown babies and was just with him for comfort. None of which i did and Just made me want to report him even more now or kill him instead.. I just dont feel i have enough edvence😭😭😭😭😭 im so sad and angry 😭😭😭😭😭
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    Hi Shaunie,

    I am pleased to here that you have chosen not to meet back up with the guy. You didn't deserve anything which he did to you and its not your fault. Do you have any support about what has happened? I am sure there are other things which you are great at, however it can take time to find these things we are good at and enjoy. Sorry for everything which you have been through. Can you think of anything which you enjoy doing that you are able to focus on at the moment?

    I am sorry to hear your feeling sad and angry at the moment but well done for talking about it on here it can be a really hard thing to do. Talking about it can be a great way to help move forward. There is some great support out there for example https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ which might be able to help you. Do you think that you would be able to reach out to anyone about this?

    Well done for talking we are here for you.
    Rayofhope:rainbow2:
    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 90 Budding Regular
    Hi Shaunie,

    It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time at the moment. Break ups are hard in any situation and it's normal to feel a lack of self worth, but it sounds like what you're going through is more than that. When you've experienced abuse those feelings can be even stronger and more confused. You mention that there are barriers to you reporting his abuse. You shouldn't feel under any pressure to report anything, it's a decision you need to be comfortable with and to do only if you feel ready to do so. I understand that you are worried that someone else will experience what you have experienced, but you are in no way to blame for not reporting. Have you spoken to anyone else about what happened?

    It's understandable that you feel tempted to return to the relationship to stop him from abusing someone else, but this is not the right reason to return to a relationship, especially when you feel so much anger towards him. Look after yourself.

    Reflecting on how you felt in the relationship can be confusing - it's easy to think you were happier in the relationship than you really were because, as you say when you have a lot to deal with, you sometimes bury the most difficult emotions and they don't come out until afterwards. Feeling depressed and alone is one of the hardest feelings to cope with, but you should give yourself time to heal - it will get easier with time.

    It sounds like you're already making progress in stopping those kind of negative thoughts about deserving bad things by acknowledging them and being aware that it's not a good way of thinking. That's a really difficult thing to do, so well done. It will take time and courage to move past the anger and sadness you're feeling and to rebuild your strength but try to be strong. Rayofhope is right - the best thing you can do right now is to try to open up to someone about what you're feeling. Don't be alone with your thoughts. If you don't feel you have anyone you can talk to yet, maybe try writing your feelings down on paper, even if you throw it away right afterwards.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you both very much!!


    Since posting this actually lot has happened. I have been in contact with the police and they are referring me to ISVA or something. And the police said they are going to keep in contact with me through email until i hear from an ISVA
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 30 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Shaunie

    I'm really glad you have decided to talk to the police and hope it works out well :)

    I think one of the reasons you may have felt that you wanted to go back into the relationship (even though you know it was abusive) is because, like you said, it gave you a kind of purpose. This may have been down to what he was telling you while you were in the relationship, so that when you were out of the relatiionship, you would feel even worse. If you can, try not to blame yourself, as that is probabaly what he wants tbh. It can be easy to go into downward spiral of self-loathing without even realising it, so try to stay strong *hug*

    I hope you're starting to feel a bit better now that you've taken some action. If you feel really down, it may be good idea to talk to your gp to get access to counselling or formal therapy. I don't know whether you are already in contact with mental health services but if not, it is definitely worth doing it.

    If you are already seeing someone, tell them about how you're feeling in terms of this relationship and what you're doing about it (if you haven't already). If you don't feel ready to talk about it, that's okay. When you feel comfortable with it, I would tell them as it can help them to help you in the most appropiate way.

    I hope this helps :)

    Tash
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    Hi shaunie,

    Well done this is great to hear and a brave step to make so its super that you have decided to do this. I hope everything goes well and you get the support you need.

    Always here for you.

    Rayofhope 🌈
    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 118 The Mix Convert
    Hi @Shaunie :wave:
    That's absolutely great to hear that you have been so strong to report him to the police! You have been really brave and that's definitely the best thing you could have done!! You have to be proud of yourself because by doing this you have helped other people that could have been in touch with him and go through the same situations that he forced you to live, so you have done something really good!!
    Now you deserve to think about you as you are not a bad person. you have shown a great generosity instead by saying that you would have even gone back to him just to prevent him from doing any harm to someone else! Maybe considering the possibility to ask to your gp for advice about counseling could be a great solution, because you could talk about the fact that you feel as if you have to punish yourself and a professional opinion could help you recognize your value and consider different perspectives!!
    I really hope you can start feeling better :rainbow2:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Shaunie

    Completely echo the replies above just wanted to add some hugs *hug* well done for going to the police that is really brave :heart: let us know how you're getting on.

    - Lucy :rainbow:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all!
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3 Newbie
    Im so glad you reported him. It is SO typical of people like this to blame the person that they abused. I have heard it all, I'm selfish I'm not a real woman I'm useless I couldn't look after him, decisions we made together were thrown on my toes when that decision went wrong, he has got me into financial difficulty I'm hammy and ugly, i was a terrible mum etc etc and I just took it. The credit i give myself is that I knew it was just anger talkingt. But why would a man who (any other time)  claimed I was his reason for living, beautiful, Smart and everything to him, would never risk us splitting up because it would kill him... Why would he want to say such disgusting and hurtful things. He didntd know I wasn't listening to a word of it? They turn it around on you as yet another form of control. You almost went back to that??? What a close escape imI glad he was too stupid to be play the ex who wants u to, never ever let those thoughts creep back (as they do with me all the time) and if they ever do, same to anyone else out there  reading this, remember the bad times, bloody hell do not miss them!  
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