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Cant cope. 'Anorexia' may trigger

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
I cant carrying binging and purging anymore to just end up starvig myself. Everytime i eat - i want or do self harm as a punishment and i dont want to self harm anymore.
I feel so frustated when peoole tell me i look skinny because i just cant see it. I used to be able to see how skinny i was but im still at the same weight and i feel so fat. I dont get it. I jusr want to reach my goal weight but i keep binging and i dunno what to do. I fear binge eating so much that i just end up doin it because im so stressed about thinking about it all the time. But i restrict more than i binge and losing weight fast, but i domt know how cause i dont feel any different and i think my scales are shit or something idk.
I exercise at night and purge at night and it makes me feel so alone at how secretive it all is.
Im so obsessed with wieght and keep weighing myself all the time. I dont know how to stop. I just want to eat and be fine and not be stupid into thinking i will be happy if i reach my goal weight
Ive had therapy for anorexia but im still so fucked up, im never going to get better
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Hey shaunie,
    first of all I'm sorry for what you're going though. To eat normally have you thought about writing up a meal plan? If you have set meals for each day it might make it a bit easier. Also have you though about reaching out for support again? Getting some support back may help you feel less alone, and make it a bit easier to recover. I know the next bit will be hard, but when i threw my scales away, the rush of freedom was amazing, you don't need a number to dictate you're happiness. Have you ever thought about chucking them?

    Bubbles :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hey bubbles, Thank you
    I do throw away my scales to just buy new ones a while later. So pathetic. Wouldnt like to know much money ive wasted. But may throw them away again cause im broke & cant afford new ones & does feel better to not see numbers.

    Im not sure i would be able to seek anymore support cause ive already had the therapy and the service was shit anyway. And im not the same weight i was when they accepted me, still very low but im not exactly dying so no one cares. But I just cant keep waking up feeling so weak and like im gunna pass out everyday, just so fed up.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • RhysRhys Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Shaunie sounds like you're having a really rough time and I hope things improve. Is there any other services in your area that offer counselling or therapy that you think may help? (if you're up to it) as not all therapists work for everyone and you may find the next one works wonders. I know therapy isn't the be all and end all of things.

    Not sure if it will help, but TheMix has an article on eating disorder relax, you can find it here: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/eating-disorders/how-can-i-stop-an-eating-disorder-relapse-18408.html

    Hope you've had a nice weekend :)
    “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”― Bernard M. Baruch
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Rhys wrote: »
    Hey [USER="96903"]Shaunie[/USER] sounds like you're having a really rough time and I hope things improve. Is there any other services in your area that offer counselling or therapy that you think may help? (if you're up to it) as not all therapists work for everyone and you may find the next one works wonders. I know therapy isn't the be all and end all of things.

    Not sure if it will help, but TheMix has an article on eating disorder relax, you can find it here: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/eating-disorders/how-can-i-stop-an-eating-disorder-relapse-18408.html

    Hope you've had a nice weekend :)

    Thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Hey bubbles, Thank you
    I do throw away my scales to just buy new ones a while later. So pathetic. Wouldnt like to know much money ive wasted. But may throw them away again cause im broke & cant afford new ones & does feel better to not see numbers.

    Im not sure i would be able to seek anymore support cause ive already had the therapy and the service was shit anyway. And im not the same weight i was when they accepted me, still very low but im not exactly dying so no one cares. But I just cant keep waking up feeling so weak and like im gunna pass out everyday, just so fed up.


    If it helps then do it, even if it's just for a short time while you sort you mind out :) How long has it been since you've seeked help? I know support for eating disorders has come a long way in the past year, at the end of the day eating disorders are mental illnesses, the weight side of it is just a side effect of the disorder, so a lot of services focus on the early stages now, it might be worth having a look :) Did you manage to have a look at the seed website? :heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I was only discharged from adult eating disorder service in about May this year. So im not sure they would want to help me anymore and given up.
    Ah yeah i did have a look at seed website thank you!! Still looking at the website & a lil confused if all their support is only online or ?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    It could be worth a try? i'm not sure about the seed thing, maybe you could contact them and ask? i used to go to needs, which covers a different area but they had monthly support groups where you just chatted and done activities :)
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    ----
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you bubbles.


    Now i think about i could probably seek more help for it from my gp. Because i think i only got help so quick because of the way i woudl lose weight. Im not sure if i can say it here but i stopped doing it when i was getting treatment and got better but doing it again. But maybe they wojld just tell me it is self harm cause i have BPD but think it is becaude i want to lose weight aswell as self harm. But either way getting worse and dunno wht to do cause my family knwo but dont care and wont even question going to hospital when i do it whwn can be pretty life threatening but oh well. Im on waiting list for dbt but i dont think it will be happening anytime soon or at all.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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