Why is it so hard to tell her?

One-in-a-million

So some of you know that I was sexually bullied and harassed while at school. This obviously had an impact on me. And while they are only small I still get that little wobble from time to time. But I feel I've been able to get through it and put it behind me.

I've talked to a college counsellor and some of my friends know but no matter how much I try I can't seem to tell my mum.

It was 6 years ago now and I feel I've come so far since then and yet the impossible if telling my mum still lingers.

I can go ages and not bother about it then if something does make me think about it I have this guilty feeling that I should of told her. I know people will say it was 6 years ago so really it doesn't matter. But why do I feel guilty that I've never told her?

And why is it so hard? I can't answer that.maybe because I've left it so long?
I go to talk to her about it but theres that part of me that just can't do it and I don't get why. I'm not scared of what happened any more even when I do have my wobbles which is very few and far between.

Former Member

I wonder what her reaction will be? If you're worried how she will take it, I don't know but it could be you're protecting her from feeling bad about it. About what happened to her child.

My friend gets her children to text her if it's too tough to say outloud, they can be in the same room or in different rooms. It gets it out and then they talk about it.

My technique was always to talk about how difficult it is to tell my mum something. Just to explain how hard it is to say and I don't know why, it always led to me saying it eventually.

One-in-a-million

Hi glen thanks for the advice. Now I think of it. I think that is exactly why I haven't said anything (I don't want to hurt her)
I love the idea of texting it might be something I think about. Ive come close to telling he so many times but the words just don't come out.

I'm actually sitting here right now with her but just don't know how to begin.
Thanks

Emma

Former Member

Hi Emma,

Sorry to hear about your experience at school. I understand that going through something like that can be extremely difficult but it's great to hear that you’ve got support at college and from your friends as it’s very important to be able to talk through your feelings when dealing with an experience like this.

Do you have a close relationship with your mum? I think it is always hard to address a situation like this especially with a parent and as Glenn mentioned a text message may be easier, or even a hand-written letter – whatever method you find most comfortable. Just remember your mum has your best interests at heart, after all our parents are there to guide us, and as upsetting as it is for her to hear about what you went through, I believe she would want to help you in any way possible. Also as Glenn mentioned it sounds like you are protecting her feelings and there's nothing wrong with doing that; it shows that you're a very considerate person but maybe ask yourself 'if it were me in her position would I want to know if my child went through something like I did?'

I know it can be nerve-wracking to broach the subject but maybe start the conversation with something along the lines of "Mum I experienced something terrible 6 years ago and have not had the courage to tell you about it until now..."

Well done for being so extremely brave, no one should ever have to experience bullying and abuse. Your mum may be upset that she did not know about this but I believe she will also understand your reasons for not telling her. After sharing your experience with her you may even form a closer relationship because of what happened and find your communication is a lot more easier and open. It’s just about taking that first scary step, but you can do it.

​Good luck!

- Sunny :rainbow:

One-in-a-million

Thanks I ended up texting her and she was fine with it. She did ask why I hadn't told her before which like I said to her, I was too scared to.

I reassured her it's behind me now and I've moved on which is true because even the little blips I have, I know how to handle it.

I wonder if the reason I never told her was a mixture of feeling scared, not wanting to upset her and when I first told someone in the family they asked if they had hurt me (raped me) to which I assured them that they hadn't and that they just joked about it.
And they replied with "ok as long as they haven't hurt you." and that was the end of the conversation.

But while they hadn't assaulted me I was hurt emotionally and I suppose to a certain extent mentally.

I only spoke out at college after not being able to handle it on my own.
I had told someone about it and got it stopped but no one asked how I was doing.

She also asked why now. To which I said to her that now and then I get a feeling of guilt from never telling you.

It's done now so there is nothing to feel guilty about and the fact ahe reacted so well means she isn't worried about it and we can carry on

Thank you guys sooo much
Emma

Former Member

I am happy that everything worked out Emma!

Am I right to say that you felt that you weren't taken seriously before and so you didn't think anyone would understand? It is very usual to think this way especially when getting the response that you did, but please always remember that your feelings are valid and there will be someone who can offer support. If you have any blips in the future and wish to talk about how you are feeling, we will be happy to listen here on The Mix.

I am glad to have helped. Enjoy the rest of your evening!

​- Sunny :rainbow:

One-in-a-million

Thank you sunshine. I think part of it was that I was worried I wouldn't be taken seriously. It seems so strange now to think of how I felt then and how I feel now.

I've often wondered how I could help others. I remember being showed a lot of anti bullying videos and most of them ended sadly. I did wonder at the time it was happening if that was it. (This is how I will feel from now on.)

But obviously now I know that isn't true and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I will admit I had bad thoughts but never acted on them.

So as I was saying it makes me wonder if I could help others see that it is something we can work and deal with.

I would say "get over" is the wrong choice of words. but being able to put it behind you (again probably bad choice of words) I feel is important to be able to move on.

Obviously we can't move on if we don't work it out and seek help in the first place.

I hope this makes some sense lol