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T/W - Crisis, feel like I just mess everything up

MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast NewbiePosts: 11 Settling in
*Trigger warning*

I haven't properly introduced myself here, so I'm sorry. I can't think straight at the moment.

Basically, I'm going into a crisis and I don't have a single person to talk to at the moment. Everyone I know has either shut me off, moved on or just ignores me.

I'm thinking about how much having depression has ruined my life, the misunderstandings it's caused and the opportunities I've missed during college. I compare myself to my sibling who doesn't have it and how much better a life he has, it makes me feel absolutely terrible that I can't be the same. We used to get on really well but now he's just shut me out and gets on with his life too, because he has lost all respect for me since I had depression - whilst he's had new life experiences/met loads of friends, I've been left behind like I'm crippled and I'm just shut off alone. I absolutely hate it.
Now I'm thinking about how poorly I must have done on my exams because some days I just couldn't walk into class or revise - I was battling suicidal thoughts and awful memories from the past. The only thing that's stopping me wanting to end myself is the thought of it going wrong - I don't want to harm a healthy body! But my mind is feeling completely unhealthy. I haven't seen anyone for this and I don't know if they could help - I've told my family and they're against me seeing anyone. My college didn't really support me either, they just kinda ignored me every time I tried to get help. Maybe it wouldn't work out for me anyway.

I don't know anymore, I don't know what to do. I haven't done anything wrong, I just chose not to bottle my feelings up and be open about them, and it seems like everyone's shut me out of their life for it now. I feel like a complete fool and honestly I just want to hurt myself, but I can't because I've told myself never to do that again.


  • SiobhanSiobhan Posts: 14,452 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Hey welcome

    I'm sorry to hear of your situation and how you feel. You can talk to us about how you feel. But i strongly recommend speaking to your gp if you haven't already. You can see your gp without your family knowing and never know if they can help til you've tried. But it's not healthy to bottle up your feelings. And definitely haven't done anything wrong.

    Comparing yourself to other peole can be quite damaging. Yet everyone is different. Everyone takes different paths and not every one is the same. But you have to focus on yourself and getting yourself where you want to be. Not where someone else is

    Take care
    “ i think that deep down you still think life is worth living. It’s no where near over for you. You’re in pain. The thing you lost, Is the same thing that can stop that pain”
  • AifeAife LondonCommunity Manager Posts: 2,651 Boards Champion
    Hey Misunderstood, welcome to the community! It's great to have you here :wave:

    I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds like things are really tough at the moment. I just wanted to let you know that there's an amazing community here and we are here for you whenever you want to talk about anything. You don't have to face this alone, we're here to support you through this :)

    You've mentioned that you've opened up to your family and also college about what's going on, I'm sorry to hear they haven't given you the support you're looking for. You've also said you've not yet seen anyone to get some support. Do you want to tell us a bit more about why you feel they might not be able to help?

    I just wanted to link you to two great organisations, Papyrus and Samaritans, who help people through these difficult feelings and offer support during crisis. Have you reached to any of these before?

    Call: 0800 068 41 41
    Email: [email protected]
    SMS: 07786 209697

    Call: 116 123.
    Email: [email protected]

    Stay strong *hug*

    - Aife

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast Newbie Posts: 11 Settling in
    Thanks guys. I don't feel like seeing a GP- it's intimidating for me because we don't have a family one, we barely see the doctors surgery and if I get patronised I'm gonna feel worse.

    I'm at the point where I'm so done, I don't feel like I can be helped anymore. I was desperate to see someone a year and a half ago, preferably at my college but there was no easy way to do it. I feel terrible now because my old college had good mental health services. I'm just dealing with it myself now and I don't know how long I can go on with it. I don't want to mess up my university experience in September but there's jack all it feels like I can do.

    I feel ashamed for getting help for it. People have told me half the therapists have problems themselves so they can't really help me, and I'm just going to be an extra burden to them. It makes me feel like a waste of space. I can't help not feeling the way I do, no one understands me even if I explain to them in plain English, my family just change the subject or tell me I keep on complaining.
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    Hey Misunderstood,

    It's understandable that you may feel uncomfortable finding help for your problems at the moment, but just know that you really are one of millions of people who suffer from depression and you would be surprised how many people suffer from it, so just know that you're not alone! It seems like you do want help which is amazing! No one should have to suffer alone, you included. A side note, whoever told you that you would be a burden to therapists is really wrong so please do not believe what they have told you. Therapists are trained professionals who's job it is to help people who are suffering from mental health issues. Understandably you are feeling a little intimidated which is completely okay, but just know that therapists are there to help you and will listen to how you feel and try to help you find your own strategies of understanding your depression and what it is that could help you fell better. Everything between you and the therapist is completely confidential and you both work at the pace that you set. So for example, if you are uncomfortable talking about something, all you have to do is mention it and the therapist will take that into consideration. The point is to help you feel more comfortable with the therapist to open up, and for them to respect that you may need some time to open up, which they are aware of from their training and knowledge of people who suffer with depression.

    As Aife linked, Samaritans and Papyrus could be a good start with getting some help because it's all anonymous and you can seek some professional advice through e-mail if you aren't comfortable talking over the phone.

    There is sometimes a stigma surrounding mental health but over the years people have really learned to understand and accept what it really is, especially since the Royal Family started to bring about awareness.

    You aren't alone, and please do not be ashamed about suffering from depression! You are human just like anyone else and depression does not define you, nor is it part of your personality. We are all here for you!

  • MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast Newbie Posts: 11 Settling in
    I don't know where to start. Thanks for providing the links, I'll check them out. It's really easy for me to feel alone sometimes, I just sit by myself and I have no one to talk to. My friends are online but they don't want anything to do with me/if I talk to them they'll just ignore me as they have so much more in their lives, or they'll just pretend to talk to me then ghost me shortly after. I'm convinced it's because I'm not worth much to anyone. Some people just have higher value than others from how it seems.

    Everyone's been so distant to me when I've hinted for help, I'm too afraid to ask for it as I've heard stories where people have been shut down for asking for it/humiliated. It feels awkward and I feel like society expects me to stand on my own at this point. I did have one friend that noticed I was really down and she told me I should do something about it but it ended there. I've given up with people, it's like I'll never be happy with people.

    Sorry, but it's these times when I'm on my own that I start questioning my life, overthinking my relationships with everyone and what I've done. That's when I start to get the self destructive thoughts. I'm really lacking motivation to get help right now and I've heard the horror stories of the waiting lists for therapy. I'm at an awkward point where I've just left my college and haven't joined university yet, so I can't get help there.

    Thanks, I hope this doesn't come across too badly but it's what I feel at the moment. I can't help feeling more hopeless every day.
  • SiobhanSiobhan Posts: 14,452 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Hey again

    No one has a higher value then others. Everyone is all worth so much including you. I'm sorry you feel like people do. You're just as important as everyone else.
    Feeling lonely is horrible and especially when your friends making you feel lonely. But maybe it's not to do with you but maybe more they may be having a hard time as well and dont intentionally stop speaking to you ? But you're not alone in feeling alone.

    I'm not sure what stories you've heard of going to doctors but they are clearly just stories. And You dont need to stand on your own or cope on your own. Its okay - You're allowed support and desrve support. It's not a thing to be ashamed about or a weak thing.
    I' ve had good expericen when seeking help for feeling low. Its why they are there and their best interests at that time- you go see them is for them to help you. And see - seeking help as a brave step and understand it can be hard. From experience they are really emphatic and just want to see you feeling better. But yeah Unfortubaly waiting lists can be long, i feel like ive been waiting forever. But then the sooner you seek help the sooner the help will be.

    Take care
    “ i think that deep down you still think life is worth living. It’s no where near over for you. You’re in pain. The thing you lost, Is the same thing that can stop that pain”
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