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Is it okay to care for someone too much?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Recently, I haven't been feeling happy at all about my relationship. My partner and I are currently "working" on a long distance relationship phase, however, we tend to go days without properly talking to each other and even when we do talk, it feels like her mind is fixed elsewhere. This probably sounds rather trivial, yet I find myself more lost and confused with my life than I have ever been and as a result it has begun to affect my work as well. I just feel, if I wasn't in her life anymore, it wouldn't make a difference to her. Thus, I have been contemplating breaking up with her but at the same time, I do not want to make a rushed call and then end up regretting this decision. I could use some advice about this.

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hello and welcome

    It's okay to care for someone but not if it's making you unhappy and affecting your work. If the relastionship isn't making you feel great then maybe question why you are in it and where it is going?

    You don't have to just ring or tell her - "oh yeah I dont want to be with you" But speak with her about the relastionship and where she sees it going?

    It's up to you what you do and what you feel comfortable with but try and communicate how you feel and try to get how she feels about how you feel and the relastionship.

    Sorry I wasn't much help
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Shaunie,

    Firstly, many thanks for your reply.

    I have talked this out with her briefly, as it seems to be the trend with all our conversations, and her reply was that she was still invested in this relationship as much as I am. Yet, what she says isn't what she portrays and I feel quite misled by that. Again, these are all things that I have brought up to her notice, but despite her saying she would take care about it, she ends up either working ridiculous number of hours or is always busy elsewhere with friends.

    To be honest, the only thing I would like is to have some time with her. I understand everyday is not a possibility because even I could not manage that. However, once every two or so days to keep some time aside to talk does not sound to needy does it? Especially after learning that she can find time to spend with other people, rather than visit me.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Aidan wrote: »
    Ask her how she feels about the whole thing too, have a nice honest chat about it if you can. Long distance relationships can work, and this is probably a temporary phase because neither of you are too used to things being like this.


    Hey Aidan,

    Firstly, thank you for your reply too.

    I realise too that long distance is not much of a challenge, but it wouldn't be if both of us were fully dedicated to it. It seems that she would be occupied elsewhere than be spending time on this relationship, if we can still call it that. Honestly, I am just looking for someone to tell me if I am being a complete idiot about this or not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 19 Settling in
    Hi!

    First of all, I would like to say well done for starting LDR, it's a hard decision to make and even harder to follow through.

    I had a similar experience in my past relationship - I wanted a bit more time than he did. People work differently, some are fine by themselves and fine with other people, some need more time for themselves, it's different. If the way she is doesn't satisfy you, you have to speak to her really honestly, like Aidan said, and be prepared for a bad outcome. From personal experience I can say that my ex and I broke up before even starting long distance specifically because we would have been in the same boat as you guys, me being in your place, and my ex didn't want to do this to me, but knew he wouldn't be able to give me as much as I needed.

    Speak to her, fingers crossed it works out, but be prepared to take care of yourself first instead of putting another person first if they are not willing to do the same. Let us know how it goes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey newguyhere,

    Hope you're doing well! What everyone has said so far has been really great! Communication is often key and it would definitely be good to ask her where you guys stand and how she feels about the whole LDR. Speaking can help get everything out and that way the two of you would know how one another feels and then work from there!

    Drea:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    raindrop96 wrote: »
    Speak to her, fingers crossed it works out, but be prepared to take care of yourself first instead of putting another person first if they are not willing to do the same. Let us know how it goes.

    Hey raindrop96,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I guess the main reason why I find myself in such a predicament is because this entire LDR was her idea. And in a moment of love and emotions running high, I complied with her requests. But now as you know I am confused as to what this relationship really stands for, and have days where I just stay in bed all day wishing and cursing I had chosen differently.

    Another problem I face now is I always put others care and emotions before mine, and is also one of the reasons why I am finding this very difficult to cope with. I will always be concerned about how my partner will deal with this event, and I afraid that I might not be able to let go or move on from her. She has been a massively important corner stone in my life over the last few years and I honestly have no idea what the aim or the purpose of my life would be without her. TBH, if this entire crisis hadn't occurred, I even had plans on proposing to her. Unfortunately, whilst I have been seeking advice on here, I haven't been able to get in contact with her. This is my first long term relationship, and I guess I was naive in underestimating the effect it would have on my life moving ahead.

    I am just afraid that if this pans out the way I fear it might, I may not recover from this at all.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I don't think you're being a complete idiot about it and don't sound to needy! Understandable you want to spend some time with her. Especally if she findsthe time for othe people

    You said a long distant "phase" do you know when it would not be long distant anymore.?

    And just wanted to say you need to look after yourself and be selfish. Instead of constantly putting other people emotions before yours. Can be really unhealthy. Self care can go very far! Being afraid of not being able to move on feom her is completely normal and break ups are really really hard.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    You said a long distant "phase" do you know when it would not be long distant anymore.?

    Hey Shaunie,

    To be honest, not exactly sure when it will end. We kinda moved away since we are attending two different universities, and after that there is no plan or whatever, which is what really freaks me out. What if all this time I'm constantly just battling contradictory feelings and at the end of it all she doesn't feel the same way about us like I do?

    I also "finally" managed to talk to her for only a few minutes (since she is ALWAYS so damn busy), and I told her what I was feeling and experiencing emotionally. Her response, quite simply was, "How do I help you? I don't know how to help you. You have to get behind yourself and make it all happen."

    In all honesty, I just sat listening to what she said and I had no response to it. I just felt abandoned at the moment, and I am just waiting for my exams to finish, in order to tackle this matter once it for all. But her response has left me devastated, and I just feel like giving up. i have absolutely no motivation to do anything in life, and have just lost all focus and drive. Who knows maybe someone is hiring for a stay at home loner.
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