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SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
in Sex & Relationships
I do realise my increase of threads ( really sorryy) and do realise this may be judgy. I just feel alone with myself and in how i feel. There's no point in this and just thought maybe writing it may not consume most of my thoughts that makes me feel more guilty

I've been getting slutty phases. I feel massive massives amount of just empty and numbness. And extreme feelings of being unloved and no use and lonely. To fill my emptiness I literally find ways how to not feel empty. By over eating and sleeping with people i know /friends and to try aand feel something else and to feel less alone . And to feel some use to someone and purpose. Because they are probably using me.

It started of with just wanting consetional sex but then I've had that And still doing it. And sometimes i find a lot of adrenaline from it and puts me of feeling so numb. Like at 3am last night, I snuck out qnd I went round my sisters friend to have sex with him, while my sister was out clubbing.

I don't like emotional relastionships to much and just want to feel loved. I have a massive fear of abandonment with any relastuonships. And ruin any relastionship when i feel like they may end at some point. And while i find it all exciting to not get caught and that - I find massivr amounts of guilt from it.

Even when my mood increases my sex drive increases. And only whwn I'm feel really really shit ( which is most of thr time) I will have no sex drive. And I feel being lonely and having such dramatic and conplusive and inplsuive behaviours makes me vulnerable. And easily taken advantage of And used like im some object And not a person. And seen as "easy". And I have scars on my legs on and feel like maybe they can see them and makes me vulnerable in some way. I feel like i need to keep doing it with the people because that's what they expect from me. And I try and lie to myself that I don't do it.

I'm trying to have relastionships of any sort where im not so distant to aviod abadnoment. - But i can't even keep a converstation going and feel like people are just talking at me. And feels to much. Like two people are talking at me at once and is frustrating and its just probably because i have to much of my mind to focus on conversations.. Or i just know people who speak to much

And not sure how to have proper relastionships and maintain my friendships because i basically have no fri3nds atm because ive came so distant and it feels like to much effort to have friends. And feel like I'll forever be alone and scared to form relastuonships, trust people and have the energy to maintain that. And constantly be on edge that soon that relastionships will just end.

I do now realise most of my behaviours are to do with BPD and unstable relastionships. But sleeping with people -I just dont really see that as a relastionship of any sort. I Just feel really dirty about myself. It isn't my reputation but i still feel disgusting. I am disgusting and have cheated on someone and even though he's a disgusting sadist but doesn't rule out my behaviour. And im that stupid that i'm going back to him as well. I dont really care about my self any more .

I could happly lay in bed and waste my life away atm. I just can't be bothered to live or do anythhing

10 times longer then I imagine when started writing - Sorry
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Triggering-
    I
    Hate
    Myself

    I feel like I don't want to live life anymore. I dont want to get out of bed and face all the stresses. Every thing is way to much. Will always will feel like such a chore. i will always look forward & wish time could skip time until i could go back to sleep again. And then hate waking up knowing I have to get up and live my shit life. I feel stressed out just looking for the time a bus should come how the fuck am i suppose to cope with life.I want to disappear. I'm so fed up
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I'm so really really glad 30 of you agree and care
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey Shaunie,

    I just wanted to check in and ask how you're feeling today? It sounds like things are quite overwhelming and becoming too much for you. Have you been able to reach out to any support services about how you're feeling?

    From your post it sounds like you've been reflecting a lot on your behaviours and I just wanted to say that things will get better in time, you're doing really well to talk about everything, it's not easy to do. You've mentioned that you have a fear of abandonment from relationships, would you like to talk a bit more about this?

    Hope you're feeling a bit better today, we're all here for you :)
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I don't have support atm. No one cares about me now. Unless they benefit from me or they have to. Then everyone cares. i have so much fake forced support. Love it . I feel a bit better now cause Ive finished work. But still in a shit mood.

    No one knows it will get better and i hate disappointments . There's a chance I'll live forever like this.

    But thanks.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Aife wrote: »
    You've mentioned that you have a fear of abandonment from relationships, would you like to talk a bit more about this?

    I hate break ups of any form and people leaving. I cant even get over a relastionship that finished like 2 years ago now
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Hey shaunie

    I am always here in a message if you want to talk. Dont do any of them things you wrote out lovely. I have sent you a message incase you want to talk its there.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    :heart:thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Why is an abusive relationship - a reason to say I'm borderline and attracted to unstable relationships????????. No it's called manipluation and he made it unstable and abusive not me. Wtff.Not what i caused from my personality. Those things make me feel like it's my fault and caused t


    Doesn't even matter now
    I don't think I'm a slut
    I'm just trying to take my mind of horrible shit that's gone down recently. I'm so sad and feel lost now. I can't get too attached to anyone
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 19 Settling in
    In time you will find your way, Shaunie. I know it seems daunting right now, but it gets better. People find different ways to cope, don't feel bad about the ways that you've found. If you need to talk to anyone, don't be afraid to reach out to me, I'm here to help :) Good luck, don't give up, it will get better!
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    It doesn't even matter. Not even thr police will not help me get out of an abusive relastionship to report it. It's a fucjing joke. Everyone cares that little of me that they want to see me go through humiliation and abuse then use there shitty funding on me. Because it's jut me, the SLUT and I must like being controlled. When clearly ive said so many times I dont want it. Have Messages anf shit but no. I'm full filling his fanties where i want to or not. It doesn't matter to anyone because then it's likely he will be doing it to someone else so that makes it ok. If it's just me Might as well damage me even more.

    It took a shit load of courage to tell someone exactly what happened to the get told i have full control and not much they can do . Not eveb help me leave to report it. I'M FUCKING DISGUSTJNG, SLUTTY AND DONT DESERVE A LIFE . UNLESS ITS BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELASTIONSHIP. I really dont get why i bother seeking help anymore. It hurts so much that they dont care. And lije i told them nothing.

    But Thank you raindrop x
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 19 Settling in
    Honestly, maybe you can get to the police and report it, have you tried? Or at least speak to someone, there are free services in some countries like The Mix is in the UK, they have free counselling, you should try this. Try taking care of yourself, please! No one is going to do it for you. Each of us has to take care of themselves first, as much as that sucks. Even if you don't feel like it, try taking care of yourself! It can change if you make it change, just start. Stop telling yourself that people don't care, it doesn't matter. Get out of that situation, you will find people who will care. It's going to be alright, just be strong and try making a change!
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I've asked for hekp from everyone I can do. Including the police . I csnt get out of the relastionships by myself. Its hard and would think they understand that but noooooo. They think i like being controlled and like submission or what ever they named it. And like being forced to wee on him. WHO the fuck wants that anf why wont they take my word when i say i don'twant to be controlled. It's clear from ny messages it's the last thing i want. If they cared they would help. I'm to much time for them. He needs to adccidenyl kill ne while im trying to escape for anything to be done about him. Fucking jokeeeee
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I really can't do it this time at all. I feel so alone, unwanted and upset. I want to die so badly it hurts. Ive never felt so unsafe. I want it to stop. I cant live another day in this world. Life throws so much pain and hurt. It's cruel and a tortuous game
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Shaunie,

    I am so sorry to hear all these horrible things that you have had to experience. But the best possible way of turning over a new leaf would be to just shut down this part of your life. Maybe take a break away from your surroundings, like a holiday or a getaway and just clear your mind and life off these things. Also, you aren't alone. I understand that this is all easier said than done, but with the help of services like the THE MIX and other support groups, it is never too late. I think many of us are here to share and help each other when life becomes just that much to deal with, but in the end it is up to us to take control of our own life and set it right.

    I agree that life if a cruel and tortuous game at times, but i would also say that there are so many more better experiences that you should try out. As a community of our own, within this odd and at times frankly despicable society, we are always here to talk to and share with, so you are never alone. I really do hope that you feel better soon. :heart::)
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry :(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Sorry :(


    Why are you sorry?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Didnt work, I'm still alive to burden you all.

    was a lovely reply -newguyhere. Thank you
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Didnt work, I'm still alive to burden you all.

    was a lovely reply -newguyhere. Thank you


    Its not a burden at all .... we are all here to help and support anytime you need advice. :heart::)
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