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What happens next?

BillieTheBotBillieTheBot Posts: 8,737 Bot
in Health & Wellbeing
I'm not going to go into too much depth but it's another day and I feel no different to how I was yesterday.Today (after calling 111) I was asked to come into hospital but I chose not to because I knew how it would end. so, I compromised with a call from a doctor(I'm not sure which one).


I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and had any ideas on what would happen next?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I started to feel better as the day progressed and after I saw my grade for my latest assignment I actually felt pleased with myself which was a first. Something minor like misspelling has shifted my mood again and I don't know why I've been so unstable, this is the worst that it's ever been.

    I've had no call so far (6 hours) but it's only just occurred to me that I might have given the nurse the wrong number, I was too distressed (bordering dissociative) to notice until now.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I hope you're feeling better today.? And it's nice to read you felt better! And that you actively rang someone when you felt like that
    Did you ever get that call?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Deactivated Posts: 98 Budding Regular
    Hey Notagain,

    Just wanted to check in with you to see how you were getting on. It sounds like the last few days have been particularly challenging, I'm really sorry to hear that.

    How are you doing today?

    - Mica
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    I hope you're feeling better today.? And it's nice to read you felt better! And that you actively rang someone when you felt like that
    Did you ever get that call?


    Thank you :) I still haven't heard anything. I faintly remember her saying a number and asking if that was mine and I agreed because I could barely formulate a sentence let alone recite my own number to correct her because I was in hysterics.

    I doubt I'll hear anything, I don't even have a 5 in my number and a day has already passed which kinda sucks but since i'm feeling better it's not so bad.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mica wrote: »
    Hey Notagain,

    Just wanted to check in with you to see how you were getting on. It sounds like the last few days have been particularly challenging, I'm really sorry to hear that.

    How are you doing today?

    - Mica



    I feel okay today, I feel like I'm holding it together to keep family from worrying.

    Underneath the feelings are still there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't switch it off and I can't sleep because of it. I feel like things are crawling on me and I want to cut myself so bad. This time Is when I usually break and give into urges . I don't care anymore, I don't .

    I feel like such a failure and a bad daughter. I've broken out in spots and mums hiding food again and I'm gaining AGAIN. And every time food comes up I get defensive and we argue. She's worried that I'm putting so much toxins in my body and it was hard to hear.

    It feels intense and I've cried so much already . I don't care anymore I need a release. I've tried my absolute fucking hardest and I can't anymore. I can't .
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey notagain,

    Can you ring them back if you are struggling and explain what happened? It sounds really difficult to feel that way. Did you manage to get through your urges last night? It sounds like you feel things are going downhill again, I remember you wrote that really positive thread about recovery and moving forwards, can you read your words again to try to regain some hope and motivation for recovery? I'm sure you already know the list of distractions but I'll post them again here just incase

    Thinking of you x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you @Jellyelephant *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I called again and It was suggested that I go to hospital, the last time I went to A&E nothing was done, they sent me home and I overdosed the next day.

    I just don know what to do, I don't wan't to go to hospital and I don't wan't to go to the GP because I know how it goes. They send you home regardless and I'm not paying for transport just to come home again.

    I feel like hurting myself and the urge to binge is intense.

    I've tired to call F but she's not picking up, she hasn't picked up my calls in a long time.
    I called NHS 111, they said to go to the GP or go to hospital.
    I tried call Beat but it was out of hours.
    I called the GP but now I'm unregistered because of Uni so the receptionist told me to come at 5 to fill in to a form or something

    I'm so torn between reaching out and not, it's making impossible to do anything. I can't concentrate and my exams are soon and I've done nothing for almost an entire month.
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey notagain,

    I understand what you mean - sometimes services that are supposed to help are just useless. You can see your home doctor if you fill in a temporary resident form - which I assume is what the receptionist was talking about. It sounds like you do want help deep down - its just hard feeling like you might be let down. If you go to hospital you can see the mental health team there too. Perhaps the doctors can put you in touch with crisis services? Or it may just help having someone to talk to about how low you are feeling?

    I hope you can manage to reach out to someone as it sounds like you are really struggling.
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Also there is obviously helplines such as samaritans if you feel like it might help just to talk to someone
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    They referred me to the mental health team. I didn't have a choice, it was either that or I get forced to be on medication with immediate effect in order to "stabilise my mood". I don't have bipolar, I'm not depressed and my apparent personality disorder isn't real and I know it isn't real and I've worked it all out.

    Shit, I've just realised today exactly on this day a year ago I was discharged from the mental health services.


    @Jellyelephant Thank you, I needed to hear that today .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Deactivated Posts: 98 Budding Regular
    Hey Notagain.

    Just wanted to check in with your today to see how you're doing? Sending you positive vibes (and hugs if you'd like them *hug* )

    - Mica
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I really hope you're feeling better today!
    It sounds like you're really struggling:(
    And it's so frustrating and upsetting to read how dissapioning the NHS can be but I hope that doesn't stop you from going to hospital or calling someone again. Even if it's just a place to go for safety. I hope the mental health team help you soon.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you both for your replies.

    Generally, I feel better and today has been good.I think it's partly to do with the fact that I've ridden it out and that something has finally been done. The whole year that I've been discharged the CNS have been repeatedly telling me that I need further support and I need to be reassessed.

    Being under the CMHT left such an impression on me and I truly don't think that I can go back. I know the referral has been made but I'm too scared, angry and hurt. I agreed because the doctor wouldn't let me leave the building until I did.

    It's so hard seeing people around you loose weight and be reminded of how much of a failure you are. I've done nothing but yo yo and when other people are severely under weight and I'm here.Huge and vile. I don't know what the fuck is going on with me, I'm fine but I don't know whether It's because I'm just waiting to go back to uni to completely self destruct. It's like the calm before the storm feeling.

    I cant accept it because I feel as if I don't deserve it and I deserve to be punished for being a failure. I wasn't sick enough. If no one cared then why should I ?

    I went outside with my cousin today and that was nice, I bought her some snacks, let her have a little run around and danced with her in the field. She did some cartwheels and made me take pictures of her jumping.She likes coming here because she knows that I'm very nurturing and affectionate towards her. I give her lots of cuddles and spend time with her.
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,617 Part of The Furniture
    Awww, it's wicked to hear you had such a lovely day with your cousin, Notagain. Sounds like you guys have a good relationship.
    Generally, I feel better and today has been good.I think it's partly to do with the fact that I've ridden it out and that something has finally been done. The whole year that I've been discharged the CNS have been repeatedly telling me that I need further support and I need to be reassessed.
    This must have been pretty relieving - I'm glad you felt better for it. :)

    It sucks that you had a rough experience with CMHT before though. I don't blame you in the slightest for feeling put off, but do you think there's a chance that something good might come of it this time around? You deserve support as much as anyone else out there, regardless of differences in size or situations.

    Well done for reaching out to Beat etc. earlier this week, even if you had no luck. *hug* How are you feeling at the mo? Any luck with exam prep?
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you Mike. Apologies for the late reply , I've been avoiding this so I wouldn't have to talk about how things really are.

    This time I didn't have a choice, police and ambulance and now hospital. I have no desire to stay here but I think I'm being kept here over night until psch come. I'm in a completely different part of the county and far fr home, I found out that they sent me here because of the on site psych unit,

    I feel guilty and embarrased but I TRULEY was at wits end. I had no idea crisis was going to this but the person I spoke to said they considerate it last night when I called but after today they did it without me knowing.

    Uni has been stressful, microbio week has been hard and not much luck on revision.

    I will word harder when I get out and I will talk to my tutors and ask for help.

    P.s battery is low
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Heey notagain:)

    Things must of got pretty bad:( and stressful. But i don't think it's anything to feel guilty or embarrassed for at all. You just need some more help right now. Which is fine. And I'm glad you're safe right now.

    Have you asked uni for more help? Uni does stressful especially with all this:( great to hear you're already thinking about working harder. It's always a good aim to to help you. But don't let your health fall because of it.

    Lets us know how you get on? We are here
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Notagainvitelina,
    Like Shaunie said you shouldn't feel embarrassed or guilty! These things happen and we are here to support you and try to help you as best we can!
    Hope to here from you soon!

    Drea:heart:
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    hey notagain, just wanted to say I am thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay. Take care of yourself x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you @Drea[/USER] [USER="96903"]Shaunie[/USER] and [USER="96472"]Jellyelephant :heart:

    I'm feeling a bit better, very tired today but I think it's from having an hour of sleep. I was discharged this morning after seeing psych team but I'm not sure what's going to happen since I've not got long of uni and being in this area.

    I honestly was so distressed I tried to hold it off for as long as I could, I even called crisis in the early hours of the morning and then again after I woke at normal time. I tried so hard to fight to the point of tears so when I called crisis again (3rd) the man on the phone said that he needed to go and would call me in a bit and next thing you know police are on the line and telling me they are sending someone over, followed by ambulance.

    I just really wanted to set an example but I relapse once every year. I guess you are right @Shaunie I did need the help, more so this whole month looking at the intensity/frequency of crisis.

    I know that I need get up I don't have long for exams and assignments. I'm trying to think of the best form of contact because I need at least 10 for an extension before the deadline.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm in such a good mood and I feel like buying a dog and doing lots of things. I donnoe why I feel miles better after I crash and I've done a lot of thingsover the last 2 days and there's this song I'm listening to right now and it's called something about you by Hayden James. Like something you'd hear in H&M. I've gone for a rose gold/nude eye shadow thing today and I'm going out again later.I also got a tattoo and I'm sighing up for a marathon.

    I was really excited yesturday for no reason before I went to bed and I've woke up in a good mood and actually feel good about my body, Like really good and nothings changed lmao
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,617 Part of The Furniture
    Notagainvitelina wrote: »
    I'm in such a good mood and I feel like buying a dog and doing lots of things. I donnoe why I feel miles better after I crash and I've done a lot of thingsover the last 2 days and there's this song I'm listening to right now and it's called something about you by Hayden James. Like something you'd hear in H&M. I've gone for a rose gold/nude eye shadow thing today and I'm going out again later.I also got a tattoo and I'm sighing up for a marathon.

    I was really excited yesturday for no reason before I went to bed and I've woke up in a good mood and actually feel good about my body, Like really good and nothings changed lmao

    Aww haha, this is so lovely Notagain! Signing up for a marathon is... brave. :p Did the wave of positivity and good mood continue after yesterday? How are you getting on?
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Ah I'm glad you felt some positivity and felt good! :)
    Did you buy a dog?ah
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's a bit of confusion surrounding what's happening with me.

    During this week, I've felt good in between then bad again. I the wellbeing department (because tutor asked) and the lady encouraged me to speak to the Uni's MH practitioner and she offered to assess me at the end of the month which I to agreed but then on Friday I cancelled.

    1)Over the half term I was told that a referral was going be put in for me to be under the secondary care (CMHT) by a locum.

    2)After last weeks admission and assessment I was told that It was recommended that I be put under primary care (self referral or referral by GP)

    3)Last night I got into another crisis and called the single point access only to be told what there was nothing they could do apart from pass my details onto a clinician(Next fucking week) but things still stood the same in relation to being put under primary care.

    4)This morning I got an unexpected call from the clinician and had a conversation/assessment. I think it went well and I told her EVERYTHING, things I have mentioned here and for the first time I felt like i'd met a professional who I just clicked with and had genuine interest in me. So after an hour she told me that I would be passed onto the CRHT. So that's what's happening and I've agreed BUT It's that time again where my brain is pulling out all stops to prevent me from progressing or complying with services.


    P.s I didn't get the dog as much as I wanted to @Shaunie[/USER] and my mood is somewhat indifferent but I've been a bit dazed today [USER="95844"]Mike
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