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Really struggling tonight (Trig Warning Harming)

DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
Am really sorry, I know I've already posted about this and am really sorry am still talking about it but I really need a hand tonight, it's getting to me so much, I tried a few links I was suggested before but everything is so triggering, this morning it was just a low nagging in my arm but now it's so strong and I don't know what to do, its screaming at me and I feel like I can't breath right, am a month or so clean and this is where it gets really hard, am listening to music, I went out, tried to socialise and be around people, I don't want to fall back but how are u meant to deal with this?

Comments

  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    Thank you Aidan,

    I just forced my self to go to sleep after the post, cos I thought I can't do anything that way, it's every time I see my arms and theres marks on them, it makes me feel crazy not doing it. Thanks for the advice I use pintrest, that helps a bit, always get stuck on that lol,

    thank you, it's a really steep hill and no doubt you'll know that to, it's nice to know am not alone in this. One day at a time eh.

    True:

    SUCCESS is not final, FAILURE is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts
  • micamica Deactivated Posts: 98 Budding Regular
    Hey Distraction,

    Really pleased to hear you were able to work though the urges you were having. You should be really proud of yourself for reaching out for support here and committing to going sleep to stay safe. Really commendable! Also loved to hear you used Pinterest, I am an avid 'pinterester' and can definitely see how that would be a good distraction. Hope you're doing okay now. Would also be interested in knowing how you are getting on now?

    - Mica
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,463 Skive's The Limit
    Don't be sorry about posting. Honestly if it helps carry on. We are here for you.

    It's great to hear that you distract yourself, Distraction😉 that can be hard. And just shows how strong you're. Hope today is a bit easier for you.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,869 Extreme Poster
    Hey distraction

    I also struggle with self harm so I understand how difficult it can be when you have urges that you don't want to give in to. Sadly, recovery is never straight forward and we always have ups and downs and sometimes we will relapse. The important thing is to be kind to yourself and realise that it's ok to have set backs without beating yourself up again for it. You did the best thing really by distracting yourself and going to sleep to avoid the urges, incase you need some distraction ideas you can check out this link http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads/Distractions.pdf

    Take things a day at a time and try to care for yourself x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    Am overwhelmed with the amount of support I got here and just wanted to say a massive thank you to you all, I didn't know if it would help but it really has and I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to me and thank you for really caring. (cheesy much)


    Aidan - I do like that quote to, at the moment am actually alright, it's bearable during the day, just keeping pushing the thoughts back and keeping thinking that going downstairs with new things wouldn't be good, at night it's a bit harder cos I don't think about going downstairs, it seems like ages away, everything in fact seems so far away at night, can get through a day but a night is another story.


    Mica - Pintrest is great isn't it, love it, just started a new board on industrial loft apartments (my dream home) it was great for ticking the time away, am ok today, got some plans, trying to start back judo, so nervous about going back, it's almost been a year since I last did, the coaches are really nice and I want to see them again but the warm ups makes me really worried, it's a bit daft considering we're all doing the same thing but it's the reason I stopped, might just go in late to start and then at least I gone back and can go on time next week lol


    Shauni - Thank you that means a lot, it really does, aye going to sleep is a great diversion, who doesn't love sleep :), ye getting on better today just got to keep looking forward, worried about the nights, but just taking them as they happen

    Jellyelephant - (Love the name) It would be so much better if we could just control it and when we decide to stop, everything else stops to, it's a pain in the arse when the urges just pop up and sometimes it's just out of no where, you could be really happy and going along smoothly and then puff, they come back (well they never really go away). But that's my inner spoiled brat talking. Recover is certainly an up and down with crazy all around. But I understand what ur meaning, and the best we can do is just to go through it as gently as possible. Thank you a lot for the link, it has so many ideas will definitely use it often. I'll try to :)
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    My arms screaming again tonight, really loud for a few hours now, but taking advice from here, posting and I looked at the distraction link, decided to put plasters on my arm. There was more I wanted to say but I took it out cos it's late, well early morning and am to all over the place to talk lol, tired, bedtime finally.
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Hi distraction,

    Well done for posting on the boards and looking at the list of things hopefully this helped and ment you were able to get some sleep.

    Do get back if you want to say anything else, how are you feeling now?
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    Hi,

    thanks for your reply, am good so far regarding urges, but because am not harming I feel like I can't concentrate on anything, like am not actually here, it's like nothings really real and everything is in slow motion,

    I decided sports is a good way to bring me back, like swimming judo and an hours fitness class, it's not the same but it's something, and it's what I need to join the reserves, so it's a win, win
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,869 Extreme Poster
    Hey distraction,

    sport is a really good way to manage your feelings instead of self harming, swimming is a good one because you it helps you stay clean so you can wear a swimming costume.. also the excersize helps you to feel better mentally. You're doing really well managing your urges to self harm - keep going! :)

    x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    Thank you Jelly, finding it a little tricky today the processes of doing it just keeps going through my head, but I have to do college work before I do anything else so focusing on that and then swimming tomorrow! Planning on going at 8am so no kids are about, it's easier then.
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,284 Part of The Furniture
    I hope the swim went well today, @Distraction[/USER]! As [USER="96472"]Jellyelephant said, you're doing really well to push through those urges. It takes a huge amount of courage - something to be proud of. :)

    How are you feeling today? *hug*
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    Thank u, bit crappy, everything seems that bit harder today but got stuff to do tho, so need to be up and about, It's like I feel really empty and lost, alone almost, I know am not thanks to you lot on here (you all really help a lot) am just hurting for no reason and am tired of it and tired of trying to make people happy and make something of my life, you know when you just get those days where you want to crawl away from everything, pretty much everyday.

    I accidentally burnt my hand on the oven shelve, I was trying to get pizza out, I was using a tea towel and being really careful but after a few minutes I remember thinking I like the pain and liking that there was a mark there (sounds crazy) and thoughts ran through my head of trying different ways to harm that won't scar and could have an easy story if anyone asked and then more urges came back and now everything seems to be mushing up into one thing and I can't tell dreams from reality or if am seeing somethings that are't actually there, I don't think am doing to good to be honest. Harming gets me back on track and it's like am all over the place the now, I won't do it but it's like it's always an option sitting in the back of my mind. It's like the same thing sitting in the back of my mind if my life goes to sh*t, all the thoughts just go round and round with nothing mattering.

    I need a kick back into reality it's all to much slow motion and numbness.
  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Distraction,

    Just checking in to see if you're okay! You are doing SO SO well and you should be so proud of yourself not only for staying so strong but also for posting on here about your difficulties. Communication is always great with these sorts of problems because as you may have noticed, there are a lot of people on here who support you! Another point to mention is that it is okay to feel worse some days and it is completely normal. Don't feel bad if you have a slip up, because these things happen and don't let it discourage you from continuing to stay strong! Just keep going :)

    Hope you're doing better today and hope that pizza tasted good ;)

    Look forward to hearing from you soon!

    Drea:heart:
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    Tonight, again is hard, pissed off my dads girlfriend, so getting the silent treatment, she starts to wash the dishes and drops/throws the cutlery onto the draining board, stomps about and just generally acting like a f*cking childish brat, she talks about us all being adults but when she's pissed, everyone needs to know and you need to feel like utter shit for doing it,

    And she can't piss you off, oh, no because she's amazing and right all the time, even when u talk to her and she just dismiss you as if u aren't there, as if ur nothing but a f*cking shit bag, that's utter shit, you just have to sit there and hear the shit that comes out of ur bloody mouth. Geez I could scream, am so sick of it, am so bloody sick of this crap and always being worried if I piss her off to much she'll move or my dad and her will split up, I can't do this crazy stuff anymore, am going to end up exploding and shouting and swearing at her, god, I can't tell her anything about how angry I am and it's driving up the fucking wall, am tired of being a piece of shit that she dosen't want (I know that's not true) but a hug or her accepting my hugs would be nice, I know people care in different ways and find it hard to care but it's been years now,

    She hugs her family, am not her family, I don't care if am not but it would be nice to be told to, she's said to me before, I've never made u feel like an outsider to this family, but she has so many times, some years ago she also told me I might as well go back to my mothers house (since my mother moved and we don't know where she stopped) she also says it's her house, that my bedroom is her room, I get that, it is her house, me and my dad were the ones to move in, but how can she expect it to be my home if she always said it's her house,

    It kills me a little more, every time something like this happens and I can't take it, it's pushing me more and more to just wanting to get out of here.

    Am already hurting to much. I can't take this fucked up situation anymore
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    It's just hurts a lot, really empty and lonely, overwhelming, I feel really worthless, like no one wants to fight for me, no one ever really wanted me, not when I was a kid and it doesn't seem like now, I just got thrown around house to house a lot, I can't stop crying I don't want to be here anymore, I just want to slip away.

    haha, At times it feels like it, at the moment a lot of tears lol, haven't cried in awhile, maybe it's a good thing, am trying art, trying to draw something and writting and music!

    Thank you *hug*. and thank u for the speedy response,

    Don't be sorry, I like it that ur interested, I'll probably have some soon with a lot of swear words lol about a certain someone who I don't like at the moment, hint* hint* nudge nudge :chin: (dads girlfriend)

    Need to stop this and calm down, it's probably not as bad as it seems :)
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    It does, it really does, thank u : )

    Am trying to put one together, just feeling really angry at the moment, Can't get the right starting point yet,

    Hahaha, Thanks mate, am better, finally stopped the crying lark lol, but my dads back now so it's two against one (hint, his not on my side (never is)), got to love the fun times. It'll all be ok in a few days no doubt,

    A poem isn't far away, it'll be up in no time :)

    Tank u for caring, means a lot :d
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    My motto is you got to laugh at live or you just end up under it,

    If you want to share/ feel like talking am all ears :)

    aye, haha, well I've been 'Scottish' for seven years now, moved up here when I was 12, use to be in England with my mother, still have an english accent, hate it :grump:, Before that I was in Northern Ireland for a little bit. Wish I kept the Irish accent, that would have been great to have :yuck:
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    I live by that haha, ah, well, am here if your box opens even an centimeter,

    Love mrs browns boys, absolutely amazing, aye, Yorkshire is a funny one, independent
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 438 Listening Ear
    Sorry to be on here all the time but guess what, there back, I feel like I can't breath again, I've tried to do college work, watch a movie, eat, listen to music but I just keep seeing the images of harming in my head and the feelings on my arm are just pushing me to far, way to far, I need to do work so I can't sleep, my old scars won't go away so am so worried about my future and if I'll be able to do what I want, college work is just getting to much on top of me but I need to be in the work shop to get things done.

    My head is spinning so fast and am falling apart all over again tonight, I'll be fine tomorrow, but I don't how to get there
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