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Bad place

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
I always thought how terrible I use to feel and even then I had moderate to sereve depression but now that feels like nothing. I feel more then just sad. It's literally so horrible. I wake up and feel so fed up when I wake up and have to live my life. And just the feeling of 'not again'.
But what I got told in hospital is something that is sticting with me. Which is you can choose to end your life any time you want and they was actually telling me to hold on to that thought but to let people help me and see if i still feel and think the same.
But for now I don't know how to cope and I'm finding everyday harder.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Sending you hugs shaunie!
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Lostsense wrote: »
    Sending you hugs shaunie!

    💜💜
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    Which is you can choose to end your life any time you want and they was actually telling me to hold on to that thought but to let people help me and see if i still feel and think the same.
    But for now I don't know how to cope and I'm finding everyday harder.

    What help is being offered to you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Shaunie wrote: »

    💜💜

    💜💙 😋
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I have therapy. May need more from a personality disorder service which I found out more Friday. I get offered medication but that stopped. And getting offered help/couselling for trauma. But some days I just can't be bothered and ignore them and cancel appointments. Which i always regret
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie wrote: »
    I have therapy. May need more from a personality disorder service which I found out more Friday.

    Have you been diagnosed with a personality disorder?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    No, don't think so but when I saw a doctor for it they said i need treatment and the way I cope is what they would of having a personality disorder. But didn't like say which one or anything.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can ask a psychiatrist about that. You can read the criteria online.

    Have you been told which mental disorders you have been diagnosed with?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I've been diagnosed with depression and anorexia. But my care coordicatior suspects bpd as well.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Having a mood disorder and an eating disorder make it likely that you have borderline personality disorder. It's a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and effects - and marked impulsivity.

    Treatment of BPD is a long, slow process - but it's better than continuing to suffer the effects of BPD, which will typically include severe mood swings, poverty, drink/drug problems, many injuries, many pregnancies, being in and out of hospital and prison etc.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Had that appointment today and have been diagnosed with a personality disorder, borderline. They are offering treatment which is in about a month and last about nine months. Wasnt really listenjng but sounded alright. I just really cant be bothered to keep trying. I've already had therapy and I'm still messed up. Everything feels so much effort that I just feel like crying just getting out of bed.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The treatment that you will have will now be more suited to you, because they now know what is wrong with you. BPD is a very complex and serious condition and the treatment is a long, slow process. Mental health staff are used to treating it, because many of their patients have it. About 10% of psychiatric patients and 20% of psychiatric inpatients have BPD. You're going to need a lot of help - and it's easier to treat it now than when you're in your thirties and you're a drug addict, covered in scars, have had several pregnancies and have been in and out of hospital and prison several times. There's a lot of information about BPD, so you can learn about it to better understand it. Most people don't understand it, so many people will react badly to how you behave.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you for your replies.

    I'm getting even worse. Like i literally don't recognise how im acting. I'm turning into such a angry person. I'm usually a really quite person and don't say any more then "Not great" and " I dont know" in my appiopments. Which they are used to. But Im getting so angry that I'm not getti g better that I swear at them and then leave. And I feel so guilty cause they are just helping.
    I have started self harming in a way I have never done. Because i get so angry with myself. And I really dont want any scars.
    And smashed up things like perfume bottles and mugs. And would never even swear or show any angry let alone smash things.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is all typical in BPD sufferers. It's a very complex, confusing, distressing condition.

    You want help, but most people can't cope with being around borderlines. It makes it very difficult to maintain a friendship, relationship etc.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I'm not sure me having a personality disorder has changed people wanting to be around me. Because my personality hasn't actually changed I'm just ill. And it's not something anyone would recognised or interferes with relationships.
    I dont agree with the diagnosis and am looking into it. I dont get angry or distressed and then suddenly change or anything. They said they have diagnosed me with this because I find it hard to cope with my emotions. And self harm, which can potientonly kill me, every time, and not the way people instantly think when you mention self harm. And it's because it's very impulsive and not to actually die. And want to help me control my emotions
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Most people don't understand BPD, but they'll certainly notice and have a problem with the behaviour that comes with it. Borderline is more complicated and distressing to the sufferer than any of the other personality disorders.

    A personality disorder defines your personality. It's a habitual and bad way of thinking and behaving - a long-term and serious mental disorder. You can't get over it quickly or hide it for long.

    What part(s) of the criteria are you saying you don't meet? You don't need to have all nine of the features - five is sufficient. There's a lot of variation between different people who have the condition and a high proportion of people who have it also have other personality disorders. For example, some also have narcissitic personality disorder - and you'll notice narcissists' arrogance and selfishness.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Why would someone have a problem with an illness? Shouldn't look at anyone any different just because they are mentally ill?
    I am not emotionally unstable or have unstable relationships. Just compulsive dangerous behaviour.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and effects, and marked impulsivity. From what you've said on here, it's clear that you have major problems with your emotions and the way that you interact with other people. You said you had frequent arguments with hospital staff. In the DSM (the book which contains BPD), relationships means how you are with people whom you know, such as friends, family etc. - not just bf-gf relationships.

    You must understand that your behaviour scares and puzzles people. It will drive people away. Borderlines need a lot of help, but their behaviour repels a lot of people - that's why it's extremely difficult for them to have good relationships or friendships.

    About 2% of people have BPD, so most people don't know someone who has it (or at least don't know them well).
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I'm not an argumentive person though. Obviously in hospital I would be because it's hard to expect someone to be calm when you've put them somewhere against their wishes.
    I'm completely the opposite. I'm a very shy person. And was completely out of character. They didn't get why i was like that but unless you've been put somewhere you don't want to be, you wouldn't know how you'd react.
    I've isolated myself from myself from all friend relationships but that doesn't mean I'm borderline. Sign of depression as well.
    So nothing that clearly shows I have a personality disorder to anyone. Unless i told them what I do or see me in and out of hospital
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Deactivated Posts: 98 Budding Regular
    Hi Shaunie,

    It sounds like the diagnosis doesn't really fit with your perception of yourself, and that's completely okay. While Robert isn't necessarily wrong in general about common symptoms of BPD, everyone has their own experiences and just because other people with BPD might act a certain way, doesn't mean you will (or that BPD is the correct diagnosis for you). Regardless of the correctness of the diagnosis, it's really positive that you'll have an opportunity to receive treatment so you can have that extra support and it's really commendable that you reached out for help!

    Do you have any idea how you can stay motivated to not cancel the treatment you're suppose to receive in a month?

    - Mica
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five or more of the following:

    1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

    2) A pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation.

    3) Identity disturbance: markedly & persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

    4) Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging.

    5) Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

    6) Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.

    7) Chronic feelings of emptiness.

    8) Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

    9) Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociate symptoms.

    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    If you have fewer than five of these, you could question the diagnosis.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    mica wrote: »
    Hi Shaunie,

    It sounds like the diagnosis doesn't really fit with your perception of yourself, and that's completely okay. While Robert isn't necessarily wrong in general about common symptoms of BPD, everyone has their own experiences and just because other people with BPD might act a certain way, doesn't mean you will (or that BPD is the correct diagnosis for you). Regardless of the correctness of the diagnosis, it's really positive that you'll have an opportunity to receive treatment so you can have that extra support and it's really commendable that you reached out for help!

    Do you have any idea how you can stay motivated to not cancel the treatment you're suppose to receive in a month?

    - Mica


    I have cancelled it because i feel bad. That i dont deserve it. And ive already had session of therapy for anorexia and dont want to use more of the nhs money when people are finding it hard to get any support.
    But they have raised me as a safeguarding issue and she said she needs to sort it out and speak to a few people. I dont know what that means or what will happen but she said she will contact me back.
    I've looked on the internet about it but can't find much or who they contact but says they can contact people like the police. If they think people are in harm of abuse.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How bad is your anorexia? Are you significantly underweight?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I dont think i have anorexia anymore. I'm not as underweight as I use to be but I'm still underweight. I think it has turned into bulimia. But that's getting less and more better.
    Weight and calories doesn't bother me at all now. It's more just binging and purging occasionally.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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