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Last night.. :(

Former MemberFormer Member NoobPosts: 235 Trailblazer
in Health & Wellbeing
Hello. So i was really mentally unwell last night. Self harmed and made an attempt on my life.. the on call worker came out to see me and was very concerned so called the manager to come to where i live. They stayed with me for 2 hours and all that time i refused medical attention because my mum works in a&e.. i didnt answer my phone when they phone at 8am this morning then the next thing i knew the on call worker was at the door.. she phoned the crisis team after learning i made another attempt as i barely slept last night. They told her to take me to a different city for a&e so my mum wouldnt be there but i refused. Now shes phoning me every few hours to check on me.. its put me off talking to them about how i feel.. dreading when my support worker is in monday!
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi kayden

    sorry to hear you are struggling..why did you not want to go to a different a&e? sorry for the questions.
    Its good she is ringing to for me looking in from the out side it shows she is concerned and cares?
    what makes you not want to talk to them ?

    hope things get easier soon :)

    turtle
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi turtle thanks for replying. I was scared to talk to a mh worker in a&e.. im scared of hospitals and the whole concept of it all. I know she was concerned i spoke to her not long ago shes ringing me tomorrow morning to check in. I just feel like im a burden i mean like the manager came out too last night. Great first impression.. i dont feel like i deserve the support. The domestic abuse is my fault, i was the one who moved back into that environment i was so stupid. Im weak turtle and i feel it and accept it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Been told to keep my phone off to avoid abusive texts till my worker comes in monday but i cant help it. Wouldnt be able to come on here either if i turned my phone off..
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hey kayden.
    Hope you're feeling bit better tonight. Ignore all the texts and hope you get the support you need
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kayden

    Its ok to switch off for a while especially to avoid the texts. Kayden you may feel weak but everything that's happened is not your fault..but i know how hard that is to hear and even more tough to accept, sorry!


    how are you feeling about them supporting you? Are you glad you moved there ?
    i can understand the feeling of being a burden but i know you're not because they wouldn't want to help if they didn't think you were worth it.

    I hope things can get easier soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hey shaunie, turtle. Thanks for your replies!

    Had a phone call from on call this morn saying shes ringing my worker tomorrow morning to tell her the events of the weekend and to see if she can have a chat with me tomorrow at some point which i am really really dreading! Turtle if i was sensible i wouldnt of gone back to the situation. Now i live in fear of being found by family and her friends.. i feel fine about them supporting me its just that i was so bad friday i refused the help i even told on call not to come out to me but they did anyway. I feel like such a burden. Im glad i moved here but just struggling with the thoughts of my past and voices.

    Thank you both
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kayden,

    Tell us how your chat goes tomorrow im sure it'll be ok. Its ok sometimes not to wan support etc. I am very sorry to hear you are struggling with the past but the fact you went back is not your fault at all. I know that may be difficult to hear.

    take good care of yourself
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi turtle im so anxious. Ive been awake for a while.. the staff are in, i heard them come in. My worker is probs on the phone to the on call worker. Im sat in my room shitting myself, dont want to leave my room at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Arghh so my support worker just knocked my door asking if she can have a chat with me about what happened on the weekend.. so i tried to buy some time and say im on my way for a cigarette. Cleaner is in kitchen atm so cant go out the back - more time bought. Stressing stressing stressing
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Okay so she came to find me again.. the chat went okay just wanted to make sure if i needed medical attention. Asked if i wanted to discuss my past with her but i didnt feel able too. Also changed my phone number to stop people texting me.
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hey Kayden,

    It sounds like it's been a really difficult couple of days, I hope you are okay. You said that you are feeling anxious and stressing about talking to your support worker. For some people writing down anything you want to say can help when speaking with them. Is this something that might be useful? Do let us know how you get on today, wishing you all the best :)

    Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi Aife. The chat went okay, although she would of liked me to open up about my past which i cant do at the moment. When she asks me i can say it in my head but cant verbally get it out.
  • AoifeAoife Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
    Hi Kayden,

    That is good to hear that the chat went okay this morning. It is okay to take your time to open up about your past. You should be really proud of yourself for speaking with her today and also opening up here on the boards too.

    Do keep posting here whenever you need to we are all here for you.

    Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    I tried to look for paper but i cant find any anywhere. I should of asked them before they left!! I wish i could just say whats on my mind. My brain is literally screaming it. Apart from my worker today i havent said a word. Im basically becoming a mute. It happened when i got out of my family situation when i was 16.. went through more trauma and i basically stopped speaking. Panic attack everytime i tried to speak about my past. It took weeks of therapy to get me to start talking again. I dont want to end up not speaking anymore again. I fear that. When i do talk to my workers its very quietly i do like im scared of something but i dont know what. Im going to turn into a bloody mute again!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Kayden,
    I'm really sorry for what you're going through at the moment! You say that you wish you could say what is on your mind, but in a way you are; right here! It's always good to start with baby steps. And to post it all here is a great place to start. We are all here for you and are always there to hear you out! It's completely understandable that you find it difficult to speak out about things which you experienced, particularly if it was traumatic. All of these people are there to help you out and care about you! If they didn't, they wouldn't visit or call you so often, so it would be really good to try to talk to them. If anything, you can always start by telling them that you really do wish you could tell them what you're feeling, but you find it hard to talk about, as long as you're comfortable with that. That way if they're aware of how you feel, they can take it in baby steps too. Communication with them can be very beneficial because then they can work at your pace, rather than vice versa. Hope this helps and hope to hear from you soon <3
    Hugs from us all here at The Mix *hug*
    Drea:heart::heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi Drea,

    Thanks for replying and thank you for your kind words. I could probably tell them im finding it hard to open up but really want to. I just dont want to become a mute again im afraid its going to happen :( i keep getting frightening thoughts.. that my mum will find out ive changed my number and deactivated my fb account and realise ive told people about the abuse she put me through so she will contact my housing options worker and try give them a bullshit story and get me kicked out of the refuge. I feel safe here but at the same time i dont. Im going to chill tonight with strongbow and pizza! I really want to tell my worker how i feel. Cant even write it down as i have no bloody paper! Shes taking me to an assessment with Mind tomorrow so will probably ask me how im doing in the car. I just dont know what to say. She said i was looking brighter than friday but inside i feel worse than friday. Suicidal thoughts and ideation running through my mind all the time.. dont know really :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Kayden,
    You've opened up a lot and we're really proud of you. Especially since you already mentioned it's difficult for you so honestly well done, you should be so proud of yourself. You're a really strong individual! These thoughts are normal to have, but of course it doesn't mean it's good to have them since it's clearly affecting you! It may be good to look at talking to someone anonymously, that way you can share how you feel but they wouldn't know who you are. Just suggesting this as part of taking the 'baby steps'. Even maybe e-mailing an expert or texting. It can be distressing when someone asks you to just pour your heart out to them when you havent done it in a while and the last time you did, you suffered from anxiety. So it could be beneficial talking to an expert anonymously if you're comfortable with that, and then allowing them to help you and tell you which steps to take next? We'll provide some links for you to visit! Btw, pizza and strongbow sounds amazing, I'm a bit jealous haha.

    Hope you have a better day and look forward to hearing from you soon!
    Links:
    http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
    http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/areaspage.html
    http://www.supportline.org.uk/

    Sending hugs,
    Drea:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi Drea,

    I had an assessment with mind. I was so anxious i had to focus on my breathing all the way through the assessment, my support worker waa with me too. I couldnt even get my words out so my support worker spoke on my behalf sometimes.. i feel so stupid. But now im able to atten their peer support groups and anxiety and depression groups. May go there on thursday and see how it goes. I saw someone brought a puppy today when i was on my way out so maybe that would make me feel more at ease - animals always do. I may type whats going on through my mind on the computer but there is no ink to print it so idk how im going to show my support worker. Would feel dumb if i asked her to come to the computer to read it..

    Im struggling with my suicidal thoughts. I get so lonely in the evenings too. Im crying typing this because im hurting so much. I want the pain to stop. How could a mother abuse her child..

    The pizza was alright, anything tastes good when youve had a drink! Felt it this morning though!

    Thank you for those links, i will have a look at them. I know about samaritans but they are more concerned about getting off the phone to me - well the ones ive spoken to, not all but some. Puts me off a lot. I'll take a look at supportline. Im already on a counsellor waiting list for sexual abuse with SARC. And currently on a waiting list for counselling about my past, more like a private counsellor as i have to pay towards the sessions but it means i can see someone quicker. Have to phone him back in 4 weeks to see if there is space.

    Thanks Drea!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    So just spent 4 hours typing my life story on the computer and sent it to my worker via email... she was happy to do it that way.. such a relief. Just anxious about what she will say when she has read it tomorrow..
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Kayden,
    That's such great news! Sooooo proud of you for doing that! You're taking a step in the right direction, and remember that your worker is only there to help :) Puppy therapy is the best, highly recommend :D
    Look forward to hearing from you soon, and hope you have an amazing day. Well done again for sending the e-mail :)

    Drea:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi Drea,
    Thank you! I know shes only trying to help. Im anxious about her response when she sees me tomorrow. I wrote very personal things down. Ive just swallowed cod and chips. Strongbow is a must tonight!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    My stomach keeps turning. Currently in the lounge knowing my worker has probably read what i sent her by now. Shes giving me a lift in 5 mins somewhere so i know it will come up. Feel physically sick. Heads not in the right place today.
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    hope it goes well with her kayden - thinking of you x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hey Jelly,

    She read it after she dropped me off. She sent me an email back saying thank you for trusting me with all of this and that "you have been through so much.. and you have more strength than you realise" so me being my depressive self wrote back why i dont have strength and that i cant carry on much longer. Probably shouldnt of said that. She said she will chat to me when im back. I came back and went straight to my room. Still in my room. But i have to give them service charge so have to go down at some point.. great. x
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey kayden.... be brave and go down see them, they only want to help you. I think she is right you have more strength than you realise. You got this :) x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hey Jelly, i went down to pay my service charge but my worker wasnt in the room. So ive come back upstairs. I dont even know what to say about what i wrote to her. I cant really just say can i have a chat with you now and sit there in silence. Dont even know what to talk about. Dont even want to tell her about my suicidal thoughts because 1 rule is to not emotionally distress anyone.. i wish i could see it really jelly. Going to tesco in a bit. Alcohol and some food. Cant cope. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Okay, so i ended up talking to her. It was so awkward as there were a lot of long silences at the start. She was going on about my self harming, asking if im thinking of doing anything.. so i said thats why im not staying in my bedroom because i know i will do something. She asked if i would phone on call if i needed to talk. I said no because i felt bad about the weekend and on call had to come out then the manager.. she tried to reassure me saying thats what on call is there for and that if i needed to self harm to ring them before i do anything and talk through my feelings with them.. so idk if i will do that. Deffo not tonight as im going to start drinking soon. She said she will have another chat with me tomorrow as we were talking for 45 minutes and she had to go home as her shift just ended. She was on about me going back with the crisis team but i said no because i would have to go through more assessments and i dont like talking about the voices. I knew i had to talk to her because i tried a ligature before i went down, things got too much.. but i didnt tell her this. I dont like feeling like a burden. So stressed out. Going for a half hour walk to tesco now too.. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Drinking is just making me feel worse tonight..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey i hope things get easier soon :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Noob Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    So fucked up tonight. After chat i self harmed badly, had to phone on call, then got assessed and sent to mental hospital, then got assessed again and tried to do a runner as they tried to admit me but had no beds so finally sent me home but they told on call to make sure they phoned the mental health team at 9am and the crisis team to see if there are any bed spaces available.. so screw it im sat in my room at 4am drinking, awaiting a phone call at 5am from on call to check how im doing..
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