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Talking about memorise and feelings instead of harming (may trig, just in case)

DistractionDistraction Posts: 493 Listening Ear
in Health & Wellbeing
Hi,

I haven't seen much about harming on the boards so I wanted to start a topic where anyone could come and talk about urges, memorise and feelings instead of harming. Sometimes the memorises of things just get really painful and overwhelming and it just makes you feel like utter crap. This might or might not help and it might not even get any replies but am trying to look for other solutions and a place, where people will listen and understand because I can't be the only one who is struggling without harming.

Comments

  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 493 Listening Ear
    Hi Aidan,

    I really appreciate the reply, I've been a bit late getting back to you because I've been trying to think about what to say, I just know that I feel all this stuff and I can't put a label on it, it's like anger and distance and wanting to care and love but wanting to have no one, I want to be alone, like really alone, have no one who cares so that I don't need anyone but then it always hurts so much on the inside and I don't really know what to do.

    It's overwhelming and lonely, I haven't harmed in a moth or so, which has been fine but I find it incredibly hard to keep a grip on my concentration, anger, I found out I have a short wire when it comes to two faced lier's, who say something but mean something else and just won't come out with it.

    You'r right, it doesn't help in the long run, it just makes things harder to let go, keeping it bottled up in side eats away at you but talking to people in real life, who don't want to know about stuff and act like they care is worse, not by much, but it hurts that little bit more and then when they turn on you and use things against you, it hits you so hard that there really is no point in talking and eventually you just go silent. Then people wonder why you don't talk, all they do is judge, hurt and pressure you into something your not and its really, really tiring, trying to keep up with it all. It feels like am drowning in confusion and hatred, I feel so messed up and I don't know whats wrong with me, I want to scream but theres nothing there, like theres no voice.

    I wouldn't be bothered if I was to go either, no big deal, just another kid that's a piece of shit,

    The nothingness part can be the best and the worst part of it.

    Am happy to hear that someone can actually say no to it, in some sort of way or form,

    Anyways thank u, I hope my message isn't to down in the dumps, just had a bad day, thanks for the reply and stay strong :)
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 493 Listening Ear
    Theres to many emotions, my head says just get over it but the feelings just keep digging, I don't know whats wrong but I just want to crawl away, it's all to much
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 493 Listening Ear
    I really need help, am barely getting through the days
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Deactivated Posts: 98 Budding Regular
    Hi Distraction,

    it sounds like things have been really overwhelming for you, but pat yourself on the back for coming here to talk through what you're feeling and to ask for support. How are you getting on today? Do you think you distancing yourself from these people who are being dishonest to you and pressuring you would be possible and/or helpful?

    - Mica
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 493 Listening Ear
    Hi Mica,

    The thing is I know I can flip my life around and am taking steps to do that, but at times, a lot of the time it's so lonely, am not aiming for self petty but it feels like no body ever really needs me and I just want to be important to someone, it takes time to build that type of trust and I have been a shitty person at times but I just feel like I really don't matter.

    I did get one rid of one of them, a friend and I do feel a bit better with out her but also more isolated and I don't know if I should do that with my other friend as she is also two faced and stressful to be around, but can be fun to.

    Am just tired of feeling alone. Jacquie (dad girlfriend) gave me a hug the other day, after one of her friends made a comment that wasn't really nice and when she hugged me I didn't realise how much I needed a hug off someone I cared about. It felt warm, I felt ok, like everything was ok. I think it felt important because it came from her, she shouted me downstairs and when I got to the bottom she smile and gave me a hug, I didn't have to be the one to give it and it felt like I mattered. I just want to matter and for someone to be proud of me.
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 493 Listening Ear
    I tossed the things I use out and I drew a tattoo on my arm, urges are driving me mad but one day at a time, hey? Got to keep moving forward, it's just so shit at times am tired of it, you know what would really help is a hug, I got one off my step mum a couple weeks ago and it meant a lot, I just feel so alone at times and it's like I could go crazy, do something recluse. I use to feel so fucking empty but I filled that up with not giving a fuck and now am just a robot who feel like a piece of shit that no one really cares about, I know people probably do but who the fuck are they?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Throwing it away what you use can be really hard. So well done for doing that. Just came to say Iam a person who cares. Because of anyone to feel they need to inflict harm matters and I care about anyone who does this because its horrible.
    And also came to send hugs. Probably not as helpful as your step mum's was.
    Hope writing it down on here helped.
    How are you doing now?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • DistractionDistraction Posts: 493 Listening Ear
    Hi, thank you, really. Any types of hugs help :), I just feel so lost and un needed and really, really empty, am really proud to where I got to so far, but it's so lonely doing it alone, I push everything down and I can't actually get my emotions out when I think I can let someone in, everything hurts and I feel like am crumbling away, harming is always on my mind, because it takes everything away, I recently found out drawing a rose on my wrist helps and one day when I have a career sorted I might get it tattooed, I just feel so alone and I feel like I don't really know what to do about it.
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