Struggling

Lostsense

Here we are again 64weeks. Monday night. Monday nights come around far too quick. My head has locked my door and tied me to the bed so I can't go out to the bridge but myself wants to cut the rope and break down the door. I'm having a fight with my head😬 but breakdown in tears sit on my floor and see red😢

Lostsense

I don't know if I can sit on the floor there's spiders crawling on the carpet

Lostsense

Got doctor calling me again Friday but right now I'm wondering wether to call up the surgery in the morning because I'm seeing spiders EVERYWHERE and it's really freaking me out. I'm scared. Am I being stupid?🤔 I don't evan know if to call 111 now is that appropriate? My mind is projecting things I do not want to see.

Aife

Hi Lost_sense, how are you feeling today? It's really positive that your posting how you feel on the forum. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time. You said that you feel scared because you are seeing spiders. Are you receiving much support from your Doctor? If you ever want to seek further support, I've put a link here to the Samaritans and they offer advice 24-hours a day.

Just to let you know that we are here to support you on the forum so feel free to keep posting whenever you need to.

Lostsense

Hey,

Pretty rubbish but you know! I am on weekly phonecalls from my doctor atm yes. His meant to be phoning me today. Thanks😊

Cat88

Morning Lost_sense, just checking in to say I hope the doctors call goes well

Lostsense

Thanks..I don't know what to do/I struggle to understand what to do in situations like this. I called my doctor surgery the other day and I said I'm on weekly phonecalls with Dr.beep (not saying his name haha) and the lady on the phone told me Dr.beep isn't in today and I said that's very odd because last week he said so I'll call you in a weeks time to me. He calls me between 2:30 and 3:00. Do I wait untill just after 3:00 if he hasent called then phone up or do I phone up now? I was going to tell the doctor today that I see things (that's why I phoned up the other day but no doctors was in the surgery) he needs to dispense my medication and I need to request an inhaler. I don't know if to call up now or wait till just after 3. Any insight?

Cat88

Hey - that is frustrating! How many calls have you had with him? Are they always at the same time? There isn't much harm in calling up sooner if you want to just check he's going to be available, but if he's always consistent normally you're probably fine to wait. Sorry I can't be more definite!

Lostsense

I went in and saw him like 4weeks ago. So had like 3 calls with him. One every week since. The appointment time for a phonecall is 3 but (if his available) he'll try earlier. Hmmm🤔

Lostsense

Just phoned the call centre and there saying Dr.beep isn't in. I can't believe he said to me last week though Same time next week. I'm still in my head expecting the phonecall at 3😩 after a while he person on the phone has got the duty nurse to phone me today instead (anytime between now and 5:30 he said to expect it) but Dr.beep knew most of my circumstances. So bad🙄

Cat88

Oh I'm really sorry to hear that really hope the nurse can help at least a bit. That's very frustrating.

Lostsense

The nurse was shit. Had to cry in my mums for a minute before I came out. Long journey back to mine now!

Nikki

Hi Lost_Sense, how are you feeling today? As I understand from your posts, Mondays can be quite hard for you. So, if you need to share any thoughts on how today has been for you, or just need to talk, we are all here to listen. *hug*

Lostsense

Ah Nikki

It's Monday nights onwards till about 4am are hard.

My head is just replaying

I need to die I need to die I need to die

Nikki

So sorry that you're having such a difficult time today. To echo Aife's sentiments, have you tried Samaritans, as they offer advice 24-hours a day? It might help speaking to someone at the time of the morning you find hardest. Sending hugs *hug*

Lostsense

I do keep trying the Samaritans, yes

The voices want me to set a fire and want me to stay in the fire. I don't do it so they tell me to throw bricks through people's windows.

I don't want to die by fire. I want to die by bridge or train.

It's too cold for me to move the radiators aren't working and hiding under my duvet I can't see spiders on the floor.

Nikki

Hi Steph, how are you today? :wave:

Great that you are using Samaritans, and also share your experiences on here. Have you ever tried to confront the voices?

Sorry that you're still going through a difficult time with this - have you thought about specific support? he organizations Voice Collective and the Hearing Voices Network might be helpful to you, includes helpline, details of groups, and shared personal experiences. Hopefully, there will be something that will be useful for you!

Remember, if you ever need to talk, we are here to listen. *hug*

Lostsense

Hi Nikki.

The more of my medication I take dimmers the voices! But now I only have 1 tablet left and I'm meant to have 5 left. Oops.

I really want to go to a hearing voices group in my area but there isn't one 💩

Lostsense

My head is so lovely to me sometimes..

My head is just in the scene that I've committed suicide and the paramedics resuscitating me and me saying please let me go please let me go

Lostsense

AND I KEEP SEEING SPIDERS STILL I LOOK UP AND RIGHT AND THERE'S A SPIDER RUNNING ACROSS MY FLOOR

Lostsense

I've just been and bought some matchsticks I will actually set a fire to this flat and stay in the fire if they don't shut up😡 it's probs the worsest way but it's private and I wouldn't want anyone seeing me commit suicide. That's why when I did go to the bridge it was between 2am and 5am because only the odd one walked past. CMHT in Birmingham are so confusing like who is the CMHT Forward thinking Birmingham or Birmingham healthy minds🤔 just before I went to the shop had a phonecall from Forward thinking Birmingham I think? I just come off the phone and didn't know who actually I just spoke to? but anyway who ever it is they're coming to see me Monday for an assesment but it's very odd because I spoke to a male nurse from forward thinking Birmingham a few days ago and he said he'll put me on a waiting list for an appointment and I told him the voices telling me to throw bricks through people's windows and he asked if I think I would follow the instruction and I said I don't know. I don't know what I am doing when things are that intense. He wanted to up my queitapine again so on Friday my weekly phonecall from the doctor I would think he will up it. The appointment on Monday can't be the appointment that the nurse has put me on a waiting list for😬 they must have made an error so I'm expecting a call between now and monday saying they got confused and the appointment isn't for me. All these services are going to be like we should of helped her only when I am dead.

Steph

Hi Steph, sounds like things have got really difficult for you today, it's really positive that you've come here to talk about what's going on and how you're feeling at the moment. If the voices are getting too much for you and you feel in danger then we would urge you to contact the emergency services on 999, or to contact a crisis support service as you say you have been doing - Samaritans

Have you heard of the organisation Sane before? They have a helpline, a text service and an online support forum which might be useful to have a look at if you haven't already.

Do you still have the number of the person that called you earlier, might it be worth calling back to double check what is going on and who called you?

We're here to try and help and offer our support as best we can, we're all here to listen to you. Think Nikki asked this before to you, but have you ever tried to confront the voices that are telling you to do these things?

We're all here for you Steph *hug*

Lostsense

No she rang on a private number. I think I know which service it was and I have/(could easily find a number for them if I haven't got it, can't remember) but there's no need for me to. If I don't hear from them I'll expect to see them Monday but it dosent make any sense the whole thing but they can explain on Monday if I don't hear from them before because I'll say this to them.

The voices have wanted me to set a fire in the flat like as I remember near enough the time I moved in and haven't gone away. This voice isn't going away until I do as it says😡

Lostsense

😢

Lostsense

The voices are keeping me awake!! I want them to shut up but they keep telling me to light a match

Steph

Sounds really tough Steph, not sure if you would know but you say that the voices have wanted you to set fire to the flat since you moved in, do you know why this might be, is there any reason you can think of?

How would you feel about challenging the voices and having a think about what you could say back to them, perhaps you could write some replies down to use for the next time you hear them? If challenging the voices feels too difficult perhaps you try to ignore them, is there something you could do to distract yourself that you could plan to do the next time you hear them?

You're doing really well to keep on talking here about what's going on, we're all here for you *hug*

Lostsense

Because they want a voilent end.

I tell them to shut up and all sorts but it keeps coming back! I've tried so many things that my old CPN said to do including distractions. I honestly just don't think it's going away permanently until I do it😕

Lostsense

Brrrr feel like I need to shake my head vigorously. I've got a confused which goes into a blank mind. I self refferd myself to* St.basils floating support/I think then it goes to this "Youthhub" yesterday and a lady phoned about half an hour ago and said she's been assigned my worker. She asked if I could do tomorrow didnt think it would be that soon! I couldn't do tomorrow morning (she couldn't do tomorrow afternoon) as I'm seeing my home support worker/(tenancy related support ONLY) late morning, I haven't seen my home support worker for like 4weeks and this flat is rented by "supported living project" not really much support! So I need general floating support. So anyway, then we said 11am on Monday but then I forgot the CMHT are coming to see me at 11am on Monday! So I had to phone back and tell her (she hasent evan told me her name) that I can't do 11am and she asked me if I minded her sit in with the appointment with the CMHT (she knows this is the first time I'm seeing these people aswell so I told her no, can't belive she asked that being the first time I'm seeing these two separate appointments so then we've arranged for Monday afternoon she coming to mine but then she phoned me back and forgot that because it's our first appointment aswell it needs to be in a public place for a risk assessment. So I'm meeting her in town then I think she's taking me to there office (I don't know where there office is). I don't evan know if any of this is right. I've totally lost the plot. Don't evan know who I'm talking to on the phone or what I'm saying. Why am I posting this on here haha I don't know. I feel like im going crazy😕

Lostsense

I need to go to sleep

Lostsense

I feel very sick now. I didn't know who I was for a couple of hours but know I know who I am very low. The voices are dull. I am so incredibly low😢 In tears. I text the Samaritans and they have not text back.

Lostsense

Can't sleep. Feel paralysed. Dead. Can't communicate effectively on the phone. Just tears. Can't evan go for a walk I'll end up getting raped again I'll tell him to murder me. Kill me. You can kill me.