VERY SUICIDAL

apandav

VERY SUICIDAL

FUCK ME


I WANT TO DIE NOW


I AM FEELING VERY AGITATED AND COULD SCREAM, I FUCKING CANT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!
DYUWYIHDQFWUDQFWWUFIEHIJW

apandav

Im out, have my normal phone with me, but dont have my phone I phone helplines on (to avoid dad seeing), i dont know how to make it home, im sitting at uni, talking to IMALIVE and it sucks. i think im going to loose it

apandav

im not myself

apandav

i think im going crazy

Jacob101

Hello Apandav,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling that low and are feeling suicidal.

All of us are here for you and remember that if you want to take things further then please call the emergency services on 999 - we all want what is best for you and want you to be safe.

Keep on talking if it helps. *hug*

Jessica

James

Hey Amanda,

Sounds like things are super intense for you right now - really sorry to hear that it's so tough.
Is there anyone with you at the moment, or is there anyone you could call?

It's good to hear that you're talking to I'm Alive, though it sounds like it might not be helping much. If those thoughts do get overwhelming, how would you feel about phoning on of your usual helplines anyway?
You should be able to delete the number from the call history afterwards.

Let us know how you're getting on, as Jessica said, we're here to listen

James

apandav

Thanks both!

Unfortunately I'm still here, I phoned helplines spent ages waiting and now it's too late so I'm safe for now. But I promised student health nurse at uni (who I spoke to) that I'd not do anything until I phone MH team.

Honestly there is one thing on my mind - suicide , I can't stop thinking about it right now

apandav

SORRY BEING AN IDIOT AS USUAL- for anyone of you strangers of the Internet who saw don't come and meet me tomorrow - I won't be there at 1pm

Jacob101

I am always here - we all want you to be safe, i am very concerned about you, Apandav. Sending hugs *hug*

apandav

Thanks Jess, I will be safe for tonight and I will phone the MH team tonight or tomorrow

Jacob101

apandav wrote: »

Thanks Jess, I will be safe for tonight and I will phone the MH team tonight or tomorrow

Okay that is good apandav - i have let a moderator on here know so expect a message from them - i just want you to be safe and be free of these thoughts that seem to be consuming you and i sent the message because i was so concerned about you.

It will get better.
Jessica

James

Hey Amanda,

A massive well done for talking to the student health nurse. That's a brave step to take and shows a lot of strength
I get a sense that those suicidal thoughts are overwhelming for you at the moment, but also that there's quite a lot of stuff behind them that might be quite tricky to process right now. Given all that, phoning the MH team tonight sounds like a really good idea; you deserve that support :yes:

I hope they're helpful and do let us know how you get on

James

apandav

Thanks Jessica and James.

apandav

intense suicidial thoughts

**helen**

Hey Amanda, just wanted to let you know you're heard tonight and sending you positive vibes for the coming hours - intense suicidal thoughts are really difficult to handle and I imagine you're feeling really physically drained. Try to rest if you can - focus on your breathing, slow in and out (longer breaths out than in) and remember your thoughts don't define you - they come and go - but don't have to control your actions.

If you feel like it's talking you need tonight then don't forget things like http://www.7cups.com/ that is always on.

I think there's also a nightline attached to your uni - if you google search nightline and the name then I'm sure you'll find some info - I would link directly here but keen to protect your privacy.

Keep posting if it helps.

*Hugs*

Jacob101

apandav wrote: »

intense suicidial thoughts

Message me anytime on here - im here for you Apandav *hug*:yes:

apandav

Thank you Helen and Jessica, I really apprecaite it!

I kinda have plans in my head (not for today) and I told MH teams out of hours - they said I've to phone them tomorrow, I'm scared ......I'm scared if they send emergency services out or tell me to go to hospital

I still want to die and do plan to

But I'm scared of getting sectioned or even just having emergency services coming round I hope they don't do that! Should I be 100% honest, I'm not so sure now

*BananaMonkey*

Sending you *hug*s lovely one

I really wish I could do something or say something to help, I am here for you though.

Do keep posting if you need anything

apandav

Thanks BananaMonkey

apandav

I almost got into so much trouble,


Earlier I sent my PDA (basically an academic staff member we get assigned to , and is like the equivalent to a guidance teacher at school- we are also allowed to talk to them about personal stuff too) - anyways I was asking specifically about my studies but to explain I mentioned abut being suicidal.

Next thing , I get an email from security control saying :


Dear Amanda,

(PDA) has forwarded your email to us as he was concerned about you. First and foremost we need to make sure you are safe. Please contact us to assure us that you are safe by phoning (security number at uni). If we cannot make sure you are safe we will ask emergency services to contact you.


Please remember that you can contact your Community Mental Health team for support around the clock and that you can also contact the support phone numbers that you may have used in the past. Details of some of these services are here: http://www.strath.ac.uk/studentcounselling/24-7support/


As soon as you are able next week please discuss with your department your study plans for this year and how best to approach this. Student support and wellbeing services will be able to help you as well. "

So obviously I panicked and phoned ASAP. Luckily it's sorted , I'm so glad I saw that email in time or I would have been getting a knock on my door from emergency services possibly (as obviously uni has access to ALL my contact details). I just think if I didn't see that email, I could have been in a lot of trouble!!!

apandav

Also say I make it past this week (which I'm not sure I will): does the last paragraph mean - like do you think the uni will kick me out against my will? As my parents would then find out and I'd be in trouble again

apandav

And I've been contacting helplines, but now breathing space is practically just passing me on to NHS 24 all the time, last person said I should phone MH team and then we can talk. But I can't phone MH team as number appears on bill and it's so complicated as I have two phones and one you can't really hear me talk on and that's the pay as you go one m y my dad doesn't know about

apandav

Ahh fuck it, I'll just try call the out of hours number on my other phone, but they might not hear me

apandav

And now my voice in my head is telling me don't do it , don't risk getting locked up ...... please I'm so distressed and people refuse to talk to me unless I phone MH team out of hours first but MH team I'm scared

*BananaMonkey*

Sending *hug*s Amanda.

we all care about you.

apandav

Thanks

JustV

How are things feeling for you at the moment, apandav?

I just wanted to say huge well done for arranging to go to A&E with your friend tomorrow (noticed in your other thread). Despite everything, it shows absolutely incredible strength, and we are here for you while you're working through this. :yes:

I get the impression from your other thread that you're feeling at least a little bit safer now? It can be really really tough when things peak like that and we reach our limit, but you're doing amazingly to keep taking care of yourself in the ways that you can. I know you're super familiar with the relevant helplines that you can get in touch with so I won't patronise you by going in to what they are, but please do keep in mind that reaching out to those organisations is a very safe and healthy way to vent what you're feeling. Keep doing so if you need to.

Let us know how you're getting on. Thinking of you tonight, and best of luck with the A&E visit tomorrow. Keep safe. *hug*

EDIT: I also removed your post that was talking about plans, just for the sake of keeping things safe for other users. Do keep posting, but bear in mind that we need to consider what we share in these group environments.

apandav

Thanks Mike, I'm back to feeling this way again! I have a plan again, I just don't want to do it anymore!

Oh and I never ended up going, long story she said why don't we meet instead etc. Anyways things got to a very bad point , and I got offered an assessment by MH team and it was a bit of a turn around. I tried again for a while and I feel very suicidial again! Oh well I guess I don't really have any other options ....

apandav

Already got told all this stuff by papyrus and now breathing space are saying the same sorts of things, ..... I've you've been phoning for a while, how is this helping, we think it's deterimental.

BUT I HAVE BEEN TRYING ON MY OWN AND ALREADY GET OTHER SUPPORT! !

I have plans , real plans and don't think I will be here much longer.

Former Member

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way again apandav you've done really well the last couple of weeks to get through and reach out for support.

What kinds of things were you doing that were helping you recently? Have you spoken to your friend again about how you're feeling?

Please do keep reaching out when you need to - we're all here too *hug**hug*

apandav

Thanks Raich for your reply,

Yeah I told her (but not the plans bit), and he said I just need to keep going and stuff

To be honest, I've still not really got past the last time, the suicidal thoughts always come back in cycles. I tried to get on with my life since last time but there are too many challenges with even daily life, never mind the future so I can't get by day to day.

Honestly I did have the perfect plan (I shall not share obviously) , but as always I phone MH numbers so phoned CPN out of hours last night. What he said mucked up my plan (I told him) - he explained what would happen if I did what I said - which would defeat the purpose so now I feel upset as I thought I'd finally get relief but I won't, cause I can't do what I told him(the CPN) because of what he said

Now I'm back for another day at uni, it feels so pointless as I just don't want to be alive and there are challenges at uni and my MH is affecting uni a lot and now I have a big problem with uni I don't want to face (hence even more reason to give up, as I can't get by daily). I took promethezaine last night and this morning as the CPN advised that, saying maybe it would calm me down and help me through today maybe it will relax me but it doesn't change the fact I want to die and I just can't take it much longer.