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Dont want to be alive anymore.
Allie
Posts: 235 Trailblazer
Hello. Please do not read if you are not feeling great yourself.
I have been feeling so alone, the lonliest i have ever felt in the physical world. I have never experienced the feelings i have had over the last 3 days. I feel empty and numb but an overwhelming sense of sadness, a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Hoplessness, worthless piece of crap. I dont want to be alive anymore and no i cant go to a&e because my mum and her friends work there which would makes things very very bad. The physical world is not the place for me. I dont understand or want to understand why people are okay abusing me or why it has happened so many times, i havent got the fight left to continue. In all honesty, i have never had the fight, i just crawled through. Yesterday morning i started taking pills but stopped because i threw up. I know im not cared for and i now accept that, i am a lost cause. I know you are going to say "we care about you" but thats what society has been made to say to others, its been programmed into our brain, the fact is nobody knows me, how can you care about someone you dont know. You cant.
I know i have my angels, the last 3 weeks they have been speaking to me, not full sentences just words in whispers. They have visibly made themself known to me when im alone at night. Even when i cant see or hear them i can feel that they are in the same room.
We are all just slaves in this world.
I have been feeling so alone, the lonliest i have ever felt in the physical world. I have never experienced the feelings i have had over the last 3 days. I feel empty and numb but an overwhelming sense of sadness, a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Hoplessness, worthless piece of crap. I dont want to be alive anymore and no i cant go to a&e because my mum and her friends work there which would makes things very very bad. The physical world is not the place for me. I dont understand or want to understand why people are okay abusing me or why it has happened so many times, i havent got the fight left to continue. In all honesty, i have never had the fight, i just crawled through. Yesterday morning i started taking pills but stopped because i threw up. I know im not cared for and i now accept that, i am a lost cause. I know you are going to say "we care about you" but thats what society has been made to say to others, its been programmed into our brain, the fact is nobody knows me, how can you care about someone you dont know. You cant.
I know i have my angels, the last 3 weeks they have been speaking to me, not full sentences just words in whispers. They have visibly made themself known to me when im alone at night. Even when i cant see or hear them i can feel that they are in the same room.
We are all just slaves in this world.
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do you want to go into your feelings a little more deeply here ?
I can hear how much you are struggling. Who can you talk to right now except on here? The more people around you the more you can rely on them then they can fight for you and with you.
Besides the thoughts that you don't want to be here any longer.
What are your other major thoughts?
Hello Kayden,
How are you feeling today? Did you manage to get some sleep? I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are at the moment, but I'm glad you were able to reach out on TheMix message boards for support, that's a very brave step! You said A&E wasn't an option and yeah makes senses given the situation, do you have a local crisis team in your area you could contact? Also Samaritans helpline (Freephone 116 123) might also be an option, they also do a text service (Responses tend to be a bit dealyed). But because you have mentioned taking pills, I would really reccomend you get yourself checked out just to be on the safe side.
Often when I'm left feeling alone for periods of time, I understand how dark things can get and how difficult, and it's awful having to go through it alone, I've really found going out more despite how much I don't want to really helped me, like going for a run, etc. You mentioned people were abusing you, would you like to talk more about that? If you did ever feel in danger, or someone had hurt you, you can contact 999 at any point.
I am one of those that is an absolute mare though, I am going to give you that, you do matter speech, because I'm a strong believer is thinking everyone is important, and matters, Ngl, if we didn't care we wouldn't spend our time reaching out to you, but we are reaching out to you, because you do matter! Despite how bleak things might seem right now. And you are right there, how can we possibly care about someone we've never met? I get where you're coming from with that, and this online community proves that it's possible. People respond in care, worry etc. But this community is like no other, the community is tight, jells well, and this is mostly on the basis of care.
You mentioned your angels, would you be able to tell us a bit more about that? Were here for you Kayden, do keep reaching out, and look after yourself,
Best wishes,
WhispersOfTheHeart
WhispersOfTheHeart - im still feeling like utter shit. I did sleep a bit but woke up a lot. I am not known to the mental health team where i live, only moved back here in april, been away in care etc for 5 years. Its okay i dont need to be checked out, i took the ibuprofen on an empty stomach, when they started dissolving in my stomach i had pain and started throwing up - it was bile, its happened before. But im okay its been a few days since.
It was sexual abuse. By someone who was supporting me. When i was 19. Police are now investigating. I cannot believe people who havent met me care though, it doesnt seem natural.
My angels look out for me. They show me how corrupt our society is and all the wrong things in the world. They dont have to verbally tell me, i can feel them. And sometimes they are inside my head (as in.. i cant hear them like you would hear anyone else, its actually inside my head if that makes sense).. challenging my thoughts, telling me when im being stupid and when i do not matter. Telling me who to be suspicious about. Telling me im making the right decision about wanting to end my life.
I can hear them talking to me though (outside my head) at night, whispers, sometimes muffled. I can see their outlines at night aswell, and i can feel that they are in the same room as me, i see colours too, i was scared at first but i am not anymore.
How are you doing today? Sorry to hear that you were feeling like shit the other day. You're doing really well to talk about what's going on for you here, you're welcome to talk to us here as much as you'd like to, we're here to listen :yes:
Could you say more about the angels that you mention, have you been able to speak to anyone else about them at all? :chin:
Feel free to keep posting more here if you'd like to
Well done for reaching out to Papyrus; that was a really brave step and it's absolutely fine to keep reaching out for as long as you need to.
Keep talking to us *hug*
You're doing really well to share here how you're feeling. How are feeling today?
Really sorry to hear that you're feeling like you can't cope anymore, *hug*what makes you say that you're very close and that you'll do it by the end of the week?
If you feel as though things are getting too much for you then we'd urge you to contact the emergency services on 999 or go to A&E or contact a crisis support service such as Papyrus (I know you said that you've spoken to them before).
There's also some info here about organisations to contact for crisis support too
We're here for if you'd like to talk more *hug*
I've been living with depression for a very long time and I can get really down too. It is hard to imagine that other people feel the same way but your post suggests they do. I think one thing to bear in mind is that there is probably something worth living for and that there is someone out there who would love you if they knew you - it's just sad that it doesn't happen for everyone at the time it should.
Please look after yourself and don't give up hope