Struggling to get by

apandav

Started off trying to write about all things bothering me on my mind, wrote a few sentences and I just don't have the energy in me to explain everything properly, was about to give up on a thread, but really need an outlet so I'm just going to make a list:

No structure and change upsetting
Loneliness
No purpose
Life is hard
Sadness
Worry
Hopelessness
Hurt by friends-excluded
Realisation I'm never good enough, not even for my friends (always second best)
So much time to myself, so little structure, feeling lost and so thinking a lot then getting upset and worried
I hate my mind it never stops
Constantly Thinking
How will life ever work out?
Feel like a nobody
Trying hard to work on therapy and feeling like I'm getting nowhere
Going to be so alone for the next 5 months or so, so lonely
How will I ever get a job
I dont feel I fit in
Nobody gets me
I'm so weird

apandav

....I'm sick of trying to get by
I'm supposed to find things I like, but its not happening

apandav

Lacking motivation, just not in the mood to do anything (often)

apandav

Feeling frustrated as struggling to get things out, but I wrote this on another thread and feel it explains some stuff better, so I shall copy and paste:

Feeling sad and lonely, just feels like everyone's doing nice things and meeting up, I've got no plans what so ever other than study for my exams in May. Uni has practically finished as of yesterday , now due to exams- already feel sad, I will likely get very lonely as just spend my time at library and be on my own most weekends, friends all seem busy. I do like being on my own sometimes, but it's going to be a long time, up to September, I will be studying but can't physically do 24/7. I struggle without structure I don't even feel I'm explaining myself very well here- just feel low, feeling lacking purpose and lonely

Former Member

Well done for posting apandav *hug*

I realise that you struggled to get things out, and although it might seem like a muddle in your head, I hope it helped to release the emotions on here.

We're here whenever you feel ready to talk about things some more :yes:

apandav

raich wrote: »

Well done for posting apandav *hug*

I realise that you struggled to get things out, and although it might seem like a muddle in your head, I hope it helped to release the emotions on here.

We're here whenever you feel ready to talk about things some more :yes:

Thank you Raich


Really don't know what to do, please tell me how I'm supposed to cope with life. This is my life, it will be my life for next fiveish months at least, then before you know it unis done in another 3 years time and how will I cope

Former Member

You need to work on one issue at a time.

You mention no structure. That was a serious issue for me last when went away, which caused me a lot of problems. (I tend to hide the problems I'm having and my friend had worked out what was going on) There are free apps you can download where you can program what you need to do for the day. So, for example, tomorrow, I know I've got to sort out some stuff with the council and then meet dad about 1.30 / 2pm.

If you're having problems with your friends, you need to talk to them. They may not realise what they're doing.

**helen**

Hey apandav,

Years ago a member of The Mix gave me a link to an article on Twisted Thinking. It has a list of ways that we might start to develop irrational thoughts and then a list of actions that we can follow to try and feel more calm and able to cope. Here's a link if you did want to take a look - and would be interested to hear how you get on with some of the activities if you find them at all helpful?

http://www.ptsd.org.uk/twisted-thinking/

The main thing though is around giving yourself a bit of a break and a bit of a chance - you are enough.

*hug*

apandav

Melian wrote: »

You need to work on one issue at a time.

You mention no structure. That was a serious issue for me last when went away, which caused me a lot of problems. (I tend to hide the problems I'm having and my friend had worked out what was going on) There are free apps you can download where you can program what you need to do for the day. So, for example, tomorrow, I know I've got to sort out some stuff with the council and then meet dad about 1.30 / 2pm.

If you're having problems with your friends, you need to talk to them. They may not realise what they're doing.

Thank you Melian for your reply!

I do think structure is good, but its even harder when everything is flexible- e.g. I have no lecture at 10am I must attend, yes I have studying but no set times (times have to be allocated by myself, any tips on that?) I will look into the apps

It's probably me just being me with my friends

apandav

**helen** wrote: »

Hey apandav,

Years ago a member of The Mix gave me a link to an article on Twisted Thinking. It has a list of ways that we might start to develop irrational thoughts and then a list of actions that we can follow to try and feel more calm and able to cope. Here's a link if you did want to take a look - and would be interested to hear how you get on with some of the activities if you find them at all helpful?

http://www.ptsd.org.uk/twisted-thinking/

The main thing though is around giving yourself a bit of a break and a bit of a chance - you are enough.

*hug*

Thank you Helen I will check out the link and give it a shot!

Its ironic that half the things I tell myself, I would never say to anyone- I just feel as its myself its okay to be mean, horrible and negative towards me yet I understand it makes no sense. A lot of people tell me I'm quite hard on myself and I do agree, its just I always find more negatives for every positive

apandav

.

apandav

I know this is a completely different issue, but.......

So an aquiatance of mine (friend of friend, part of school groups, my closet friends refer to us as all friends, but to be honest I barley know them) invited me and my friends to a house party.

It was on facebook so I just havent replied (we dont talk to be honest).

Anyways I was meeting one of my close friends and she really wants me to go to the party and said I could stay over at hers after.

Thing is I absolutely hate parties, like I got this horrible feeling of dread and a lot of anxiety, when she said to me. Like I always end up alone, wanting to go home, constantly going to the bathroom to have a minute to myself. When I do try and socialise, I feel really clingy to my best friends, but they always hint, why not go and hang and chat with some of the others. I get really scared and a lot of anxiety, and with a lot of the people going theres always awkward silence, like I don't even know how to approach people, what to talk about. And when I rarely try and join in, everyone ignores me so I give up. Then I do try and go up to talk to people and I chicken out.....always ends up with me sitting in some corner, wanting to go home, feeling misreable. And half the time I can't even hear anyone if there is music on. I get so much anxiety with these situations and I hate parties. I used to force myself to go but I've realised why go if I don't like them, so I stopped a while back. Anyways my friend wont get it, she says oh its just a house party, I don't even like house parties. It actually makes me feel really abnormal, I feel I should be very excited yet I feel dread and anxiety in my stomach.

Additionally when she said do you want to stay over, I got additional anxiety. I've always had a lot of anxiety staying at peoples houses, I used to avoid it and still try to, but occassionally I've had to and absolutely hated it. Yes, I know everyone likes there own bed, but its so much more than this, all night I dread going to sleep, I always go to the bathroom, just to get away. It makes it easier if I'm in a room of my own but even a seperate bed (although still lots of anxiety reduces it slightly). I hate sharing beds, even with people close to me, I always feel awkward and go right up to the edge, and basically pull my arms in tightly so I don't touch the person next to me and I end up checking my phone for the full night, waiting for the night to be over! and when you don't sleep, nighttime is even longer . Another thing is, I can't be around people all the time , I always need some space and I wont be able to just walk away for some space, not even during the day. I know I said about lonliness but if im around people for too long I need to get some space alone- sometimes I need to (what behaviour I have realised is called) "stim" and I can't do it in public as obviously I will look stupid to people, so I keep it private. But when I'm away from home, I can't do it and I've had instances in the past I've almost slipped up in public, when I can't do it.

This is very embarrasing for me, please don't judge. I'm even thinking wow I'd so never tell people this is, I understand if you think I'm strange

apandav

So what do I do?

I'm so sorry I must come across very annoying, I'm just not very good at handling situations!!

plugitin

Is there a chance you could go to the party, but maybe say you have something you need to do early the next day so can't stay late / stay over? Also as your close friend would be going, would you feel up to opening up to her slightly about how you feel about the party, and that it makes you feel comfortable? Sometimes being able to open up can really deepen a friendship and then she can look out for you too? How does that sound?

apandav

plugitin wrote: »

Is there a chance you could go to the party, but maybe say you have something you need to do early the next day so can't stay late / stay over? Also as your close friend would be going, would you feel up to opening up to her slightly about how you feel about the party, and that it makes you feel comfortable? Sometimes being able to open up can really deepen a friendship and then she can look out for you too? How does that sound?

Normally it would be an option, but I'd have to rely on a taxi and its outwith my town a bit so not sure how much it would cost. My friend said she would drive too so since she'd asked I'd feel I'd need to take up that option, which means waiting for her to be ready to leave perhaps if it was closer to home I would just get a taxi but its not!!

I've told her briefly about my anxities and she knows the reasons I hate clubbing, but this is a house party and she keeps saying its only a "house party". Plus I went to parties in the past, so she will probably be confused= never really liked them, just made myself go to fit in. But I just don't want to go for the sake of it, as I've realised whats the point in going if I don't enjoy. Also, I keep having visions of past parties, where I end up sitting in a corner somewhere feeling sad, isolated and disconnected from everyone- I struggle in social situations, especially big groups, and I'm not as comfortable around most people (e.g. compared to my close friends). Plus I feel clingy, in the past my close friends hint that I should go and socialise with the others, "as we are all friends" but most of them are more aquintances to me (i don't dislike them, we just aren't close at all, and I never know how to talk to them)

plugitin

I know how hard it is when you don't enjoy socialising, especially with people you don't know. Quite a few times I've also been in the situation where people have told me that I can get to know people better by going to x party or doing y to meet them. Sometimes it goes better than expected - these people may be acquaintances but you might be able to get to know them better - there will be others who are there and in the same boat as you I'm sure. I'm not trying to push you to go, but I'm wondering whether once you're there it might not be as bad as you think?

apandav

:nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous::nervous:

HELP .....I NEED HELP! I CANT DEAL, IM LOOSING IT!!!!!


I'M VERY AGITATED TODAY

i want to scream and punch walls (no im not just saying that, i genuinely do). i was screaming and shouting in the house this morning and now im out and have really bad urges to shout and destroy objects!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plrease i dont know wqhat to do

Steph

Hi Apandav,

How are you doing today? *hug*

Sounds like you were going through a difficult time yesterday. You were saying that you wanted to scream and punch walls and that you didn't know what to do. You're doing really well to write down how you're feeling here, was there anything that caused you to feel agitated yesterday? It's really positive that you're looking for some help, what kind of help are you hoping for?

Let us know how you're doing today and feel free to write more about how you're feeling if you'd like to.

apandav

Steph wrote: »

Hi Apandav,How are you doing today? *hug* Sounds like you were going through a difficult time yesterday. You were saying that you wanted to scream and punch walls and that you didn't know what to do. You're doing really well to write down how you're feeling here, was there anything that caused you to feel agitated yesterday? It's really positive that you're looking for some help, what kind of help are you hoping for? Let us know how you're doing today and feel free to write more about how you're feeling if you'd like to.

Thanks steph. feeling awful........still super agitated and phoned student health at uni, shesuggested seing a doctor,so i went to my gps drop in clinic......WHAT A WASTE F TIME, I FEEL WORSE, TOLD BY GP ITS JUST MY USUAL, AND I SHOULD GO HOME AND MAKE MYSELF STUDY AN HOUR AND THEN A BREAK. FYUCK ME I WANT TO SCREAM, THRPW THINGS.......

apandav

help , they dont listen and understansd, im loosing it, im going crazy help me :(:nervous::nervous::nervous::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying:

Former Member

Hey apandav, so sorry to hear that the drop in clinic really didn't give you what you needed - it's tough when professionals don't know your whole story and it sounds like you felt really fobbed off We understand here and we're rooting for you *hug*

How have things been today?

apandav

Jo7 wrote: »

Hey apandav, so sorry to hear that the drop in clinic really didn't give you what you needed - it's tough when professionals don't know your whole story and it sounds like you felt really fobbed off We understand here and we're rooting for you *hug*

How have things been today?

Thanks Jo, it's been a tough week so far- I really want to put it behind me but I am struggling.

Last night I accepted defeat, and I'm trying not to push my feelings away.

I'm just not feeling great- all this is tiring, I'm exhausted, I woke up this morning again with a horrible uncomfortable anxiety feeling in my lungs, I keep getting palpitations from anxiety and I also feel really low, I had bad thoughts this morning (worst in the past few months).

But I've decided not to cancel on my friends today, I'm going to go as otherwise I'd continue to get worked up in the house, so even if I don't feel great, I am at least with people, hopefully it will be a good distraction though.

I also feel guilty that I haven't been studying too, although that is the least of my worries

apandav

Update: feeling good right now, had a nice day with friends and mood is greatly improved. Really enjoyed laser tag too

Aife

Hello

I can relate to you. I've been to a few house parties where i've only known one or two people and it can be really daunting and cause a lot of anxiety. For some people having one friend by your side can be a good way to talk other people. Then if it gets awkward you just have each other to talk to. Does she know many of the people going to this party? Also for some people compromising on a set time to go home can reduce some of the anxiety felt about going to the party.

Would you be disappointed if you didn't go to this party?

Former Member

apandav wrote: »

Update: feeling good right now, had a nice day with friends and mood is greatly improved. Really enjoyed laser tag too

Sounds like being with people really helped, well done for getting out

apandav

Aife wrote: »

Hello

I can relate to you. I've been to a few house parties where i've only known one or two people and it can be really daunting and cause a lot of anxiety. For some people having one friend by your side can be a good way to talk other people. Then if it gets awkward you just have each other to talk to. Does she know many of the people going to this party? Also for some people compromising on a set time to go home can reduce some of the anxiety felt about going to the party.

Would you be disappointed if you didn't go to this party?

Glad I'm not alone with this- I find having a friend helps, but my friends want to talk to other people too (they are more outgoing than me). In the end I didn't go to the party and I'm okay with it- turns out one of my other friends didn't go too, I just felt pressured into at the time. I would have maybe went if it was closer to home, but it was a bit further out than usual (although not far)- hence with taxis and the cost is a nightmare.

apandav

Jo7 wrote: »

Sounds like being with people really helped, well done for getting out

Thanks Jo, it definitely did- I guess they are right when they say, doing stuff helps - its getting the motivation to do so which is hard!!

apandav

I want to escape...... feeling like I don't want to exist! I've been low before, but I'm very low, I have no hope for the future or self confidence. Phoned papyrus, they said its about working with my psychologist to overcome these thoughts of doom, and in the meantime being kind to myself, focusing on the here and now.

I am just hoping for a bad accident honestly, as I don't want to disappoint my parents.

Steph

Hi Apandav, :wave:

How are you feeling today?

You were saying yesterday that you want to escape and that you feel like you don't want to exist. That sounds really difficult to deal with, you're doing really well to talk about how you're feeling. You also mentioned that you phoned papyrus too, how did you find talking to them?

You were also saying that you're just hoping for a bad accident as you don't want to disappoint your parents, what do you mean by this?

*hug*

apandav

Hi Steph,

Feeling a bit better so far.

I just feel whats the point I feel crap most of the time and I feel my future is doomed too. Papyrus were very helpful and understanding, I find it much easier to talk to helplines than other people- they said with support I can get through this and that I should do things that soothe me- for me the one thing that always helps is spending time with my dogs (they mean a lot to me).

I dont want to get into it, as it may be triggering but basically my parents would be so disappointed in me if I took action- thats something I hold on to. I just wish it was easier and as I want to escape, that could be a way (if you get what I mean).

In between I'm just going to the library lots, trying to study (its not going so well, people say I'm very capable but I'm emotionally/psychologically not great at the moment). In fact currently I am sitting in the library, going to try and read uni notes- don't have much else to do anyways.

I just feel I am not capable of a good life, don't even know why I bother with uni , when it will get me no where

apandav

I know I said I am doing better, but I've just came to a realisation its only 12pm and I don't know if I can focus on studying......I'm already starting to procrastinate over uni work and I feel if I don't distract myself soon, I'm going to feel really bad.