When I am alone- well maybe it should stay that way

Former Member

Hi.
miss burden here. :'c

so i got two things... the other night i fell out with my parents, i told them (stupidly) that i dont feel comfortable asking them for things. like i manage myself and i try to stay out the way and just hope that no shrapnel comes my way from things... i should just shut up every time i open my mouth its pathetic.
but as per i was in the kitchen... and my whole body went into panic mode... crying, shaking - hysterical... over what? an opinion... but my father gets so loud and he just frightens me and my mum genuinely when she joins in arguments i feel like punching her (ofc i wont but i mean she makes me angry, i dont say anything - is it normal to feel that hatred over the same thing??!) only then she annoys me - she just does that whole "yeah yeah" side comment sorta thing -
I dig myself holes because , i dont know i freak out?! like big time
i get so confused and talking to me is near impossible i just dont understand its like my brain switches off and my head hurts and i cant focus and i stand there with them yelling these words at me and i wish for anything to be gone to just disappear... I dont even know why i do this... i just... sometimes i feel i just dont help anyone and i should just vanish...

I feel trapped... in myself.

secondly - the boyfriend again... Nothing wrong with him, hes amazing - he just came and spent a few days with me and it was awesome we breached bridges furthering our relationship and it was scary but it was good! I mean it was intimate and we are both new to this stuff so i felt safe but now i feel i need constant reassurance that he likes me and sure i was touching people (generally i hate that) and it was fun but i feel like i just have to make sure hes not going to hurt me like my ex ex ... i feel like i just need him to reassure me
i mean he was right in front of me and i was numb.... and i ripped my hair out infront of him. i mean wtf am i doing im an idiot... i dont even know why i just was falling away from myself and i dont know im so confused by everything...

Im terrible with people
i also want him to be more open about sexual stuff like talk about it and he always gives me blanket statements generalising you know... its not even sexual stuff its everything - having a conversation with him is like damn near impossible...

just want him to talk to me...
I want him back in my arms...

ugh i feel its all my fault...
everything - just better off alone so i dont mess up all the time
i dont even know this isnt even a problem im just running around in my head creating loops with string.

I feel like without people there though my head just say nasty things...
im an idiot...

im a waste of space...

ignore me..

i dont even know how to help myself

JustV

Hey Laisbeth,

I just want to say that I hope having this vent helped; it seems like you got a lot off your chest. *hug*

Things sound super overwhelming at the moment and it's understandable to feel confused or not know which way is up, so to speak. It's great that you identified that you're aware you need support with things, though, even if you're not sure how to go about getting it. When you feel like you have no idea how to help yourself, it can seem like realistic help and progress is leaps and bounds away but this is a great step in the right direction.

In terms of you feeling like you're 'terrible with people', do you think communication could be the key? When interacting with people or trying to resolve conflict and things quickly get heated or flustered, trying to clearly get across what you want to say can become a bit of a nightmare. Expressing things in writing, perhaps via a note/letter or an email is something a lot of people find useful in these situations; things don't get caught up in the heat of the moment and you can get through what you want to say without interruption, while being able to take the time to write everything you need to.

I wonder if it might be useful to think about an ideal world here, just to help establish some steps you could take for yourself. With that in mind, what one thing would you change about yourself or your situation right now, and what would you be gaining from it? What sort of support would you like to receive, assuming there were no barriers to it?

i dont even know this isnt even a problem im just running around in my head creating loops with string.

Just on this note, I wanted to say that even if you can't find a tangible source to the way you're feeling, the fact that you are feeling it shows that your concerns and needs are valid and worth some attention.