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Scared I may have accidentally lead someone on?
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
Theres this girl that I work with that Ive been good friends with for around a year now. Half way through last year, I very nearly asked her out but decided that it probably wouldnt work due to my anxiety issues (i have GAD). I didnt want to drag her through something I had suspicions over.
Around the same time I decided not to go out with her, she began flirting with me like crazy and giving subtle hints. I didn't really realize (because im socially ignorant) what she was doing was flirting but Ive never been comfortable with it. I guess thats why. Just after all this, she mentioned that someone said we should be together and I just responded that I wasnt really looking for a relationship and that I couldn't handle the complications at the time (which was true at the time).
After I said that, she was fine with me and the flirting stopped for around a month or 2, then it started again, but because I wasnt really sure what she was doing I stupidly never stopped it. I really should have trusted my intuition. I never actually enjoyed it, it made me feel uncomfortable, it felt wrong even though I couldnt quite put my finger on it. I just didnt know what to say to her. Whenever she would talk about someone saying we would be good together (which seems to happen a lot), Id just say something like: "lol no one can drop this can they? Nothing wrong with just being friends!" and shed agree.
The thing that confuses me though, is that she'l flirt a lot or not a lot at all and Il think shes not interested anymore. Which is a relief, so I dont end up doing anything about it and then she starts again and I begin to wonder if Im getting mixed messages. I really dont know what to do, I feel like Ive made a big mess for everyone involved and Im really disappointed that Id be so stupid.
Plus, we work together all the time ( not really my choice, im happy whether shes here or not, I dont really know what to do if she decides she wants to do the work with me all the time), but whenever one of her friends that do part time there arrives, she'l spend most her time with them. She is a very tactile person though, and has lead people on before (apparently) so I really dont know... (Plus, I think she has aspergers, which blurs the boundries a lot)
No one is upset with me or anything.... But im worried that everyone will hate me, it wont stop me from doing something about it though. I feel like I should probably introduce some boundaries (like saying that it makes me feel uncomfortable when you do blah), which should help her.
I would never intentionally do something like that to anyone, I just dont want to upset anyone or do anything harmful. Im just hopeless when it comes to social things and I usually gauge things wrong. I just feel like shit now, I just want to put this right.
Around the same time I decided not to go out with her, she began flirting with me like crazy and giving subtle hints. I didn't really realize (because im socially ignorant) what she was doing was flirting but Ive never been comfortable with it. I guess thats why. Just after all this, she mentioned that someone said we should be together and I just responded that I wasnt really looking for a relationship and that I couldn't handle the complications at the time (which was true at the time).
After I said that, she was fine with me and the flirting stopped for around a month or 2, then it started again, but because I wasnt really sure what she was doing I stupidly never stopped it. I really should have trusted my intuition. I never actually enjoyed it, it made me feel uncomfortable, it felt wrong even though I couldnt quite put my finger on it. I just didnt know what to say to her. Whenever she would talk about someone saying we would be good together (which seems to happen a lot), Id just say something like: "lol no one can drop this can they? Nothing wrong with just being friends!" and shed agree.
The thing that confuses me though, is that she'l flirt a lot or not a lot at all and Il think shes not interested anymore. Which is a relief, so I dont end up doing anything about it and then she starts again and I begin to wonder if Im getting mixed messages. I really dont know what to do, I feel like Ive made a big mess for everyone involved and Im really disappointed that Id be so stupid.
Plus, we work together all the time ( not really my choice, im happy whether shes here or not, I dont really know what to do if she decides she wants to do the work with me all the time), but whenever one of her friends that do part time there arrives, she'l spend most her time with them. She is a very tactile person though, and has lead people on before (apparently) so I really dont know... (Plus, I think she has aspergers, which blurs the boundries a lot)
No one is upset with me or anything.... But im worried that everyone will hate me, it wont stop me from doing something about it though. I feel like I should probably introduce some boundaries (like saying that it makes me feel uncomfortable when you do blah), which should help her.
I would never intentionally do something like that to anyone, I just dont want to upset anyone or do anything harmful. Im just hopeless when it comes to social things and I usually gauge things wrong. I just feel like shit now, I just want to put this right.
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Comments
Welcome to the boards :wave:
From your post it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all! When dating was mentioned, you were very clear that you were not looking for anything and when she has flirted before, you mentioned being friends. From this point of view it doesn't sound like you have led her on so try not to be too hard on yourself. And like you mentioned, no one is mad at you - there is no reason for anyone to "hate" you.
You did the right thing not to allow a relationship to happen that you felt wasn't right for you at the time, and that deserves more respect that going ahead with it just because she might have been a little pushy with her flirting :yes:
It seems like what is bothering you as well is that she is making you uncomfortable by being flirty and tactile with you. If this is something that bothers you then it could be worth mentioning to her. You said that you'd like to implement some boundaries. Do you have some idea of how you could do that? You could take her to one side and explain how you feel about it all , and as you say express what makes you feel uncomfortable (for eg your personal space to be respected/ flirting back might give her the wrong message etc).
Do let us know how you get on and have a look at our articles on Anxiety and Love at work.
*hug*