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*BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
in Health & Wellbeing
Really don't know what to say. I've relapsed really badly tonight and I feel so lost and scared of myself. Ive tried the usual stuff to help. But nothing is helping.

I'm just a really horrible person.

I cant make sense of things and my head feels really cloudy and dazed.

I hate how I fuck everything up. I'm never gonna be okay, Im never gonna be free of this addiction.

No wonder everyone hates me. I hate myself. Sooner everyone finds out what a horrible person I am the better.
" And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Argh!! :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Jacob101Jacob101 Posts: 687 Incredible Poster
    *BananaMonkey* wrote: »
    Really don't know what to say. I've relapsed really badly tonight and I feel so lost and scared of myself. Ive tried the usual stuff to help. But nothing is helping.

    I'm just a really horrible person.

    I cant make sense of things and my head feels really cloudy and dazed.

    I hate how I fuck everything up. I'm never gonna be okay, Im never gonna be free of this addiction.

    No wonder everyone hates me. I hate myself. Sooner everyone finds out what a horrible person I am the better.


    Im here if you need to talk *hug*
    ''You were in the wilderness
    Looking for your own purpose
    Then you became a butterfly, a butterfly
    I knew you always would''

    - James Arthur (YOU)
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thanks but theres not much to say..
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I feel so alone.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I feel so empty and not myself.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey BananaMonkey,

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling all this, and that what usually helps you hasn't worked *hug*

    You are not a horrible person, you spend so much time helping and supporting others, and a valued part of the community here.

    I hope you can find some time to do something nice for yourself today, and you know where we are if you want to talk :)
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    raich wrote: »
    Hey BananaMonkey,

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling all this, and that what usually helps you hasn't worked *hug*

    You are not a horrible person, you spend so much time helping and supporting others, and a valued part of the community here.

    I hope you can find some time to do something nice for yourself today, and you know where we are if you want to talk :)


    Thank you, your words mean a lot, thank you for taking the time to reply.

    I just feel really weird, and disconnected. I went for a walk earlier to get out of the house.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I really hate this feeling, of feeling like things are bad again. It's a new year and I am feeling like this, I hate myself so much. I literally want to go away somewhere, and come back when I am free from this addiction and the horrible thoughts that come along with it. I just wish I could have a hug or something, and for somebody to tell me things will get better, but actually mean it.

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Generally feeling so hurt and upset right now.

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*'s xx
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you Enchanted.

    I just wish id learn to keep my mouth shut. I just fuck everything up. :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't be too hard on yourself. Like Raich said, you've helped so many people on here and lots of us care so do keep talking :) xx
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    People don't need to bother with me. I don't deserve it.

    Just feel so guilty.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You deserve help and support as much as any of us do, so there's always gonna be someone here for you. I'm not too good with advice but I'm always here to listen x
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thanks. :heart:

    I dont know what to say. I dont know how to put into words how I am actually feeling right now.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Sending big *hug* s

    I am here to listen :heart:

    As Enchanted said you do deserve support as much as all of us :heart:
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you, means a lot :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey BananaMonkey,

    I'm sorry to hear you've had such a tough time recently. The pressure of a new year can be a lot to take on and it' sounds like you're being incredibly hard on yourself and putting yourself down for not being further along in your recovery.

    It can be hard to see people talking about what they achieved or setting exciting goals for the new year if you're not feeling so optimistic yourself but try not to compare yourself to others and remember that your journey is unique to you.

    When we turn anger on ourselves it can often lead us to feel really low. So, I wonder how else you might be able to express some of that anger? For example, ripping up paper, writing down all your angry thoughts in a word or notepad doc on your laptop and then deleting it, going for a power walk to some energetic music?

    Well done for getting out for a walk - that's really positive and shows you have some good coping techniques!

    You also mentioned feeling disconnected - have you heard of grounding techniques? They can help you to manage overwhelming feelings and bring yourself back into the here and now. Here are a few examples for when you're not feeling yourself:

    LOOK around the room, notice the colours, the shapes of things.

    LISTEN to and really notice the sounds around you - traffic, the washing machine, the wind outside..

    STAND UP and put your feet firmly on the ground.

    MOVE ABOUT - stretch, stamp your feet, jump up and down, run on the spot, clap your hands, walk, remind yourself where you are right now.

    CONNECT - it's great you posted here when you felt like this but actually talking to someone, telling them you feel strange, speaking to someone on the phone - these can help bring you back to feeling like yourself again.

    It might be an idea to start a thread on this to see if people have any more grounding ideas?

    And remember, if things feel like they are getting worse then perhaps it's time to get back to the doctor - no one expects you to get through this on your own and there is support out there. Would this be something you'd be willing to try?

    Your contributions and kindness to others over Christmas has been hugely appreciated, you're not a bad person in our eyes at all.

    *hug*

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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    *BananaMonkey* wrote: »
    Thank you, means a lot :heart:

    No problem, I really mean it *hug*
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Jo7 wrote: »
    Hey BananaMonkey,

    I'm sorry to hear you've had such a tough time recently. The pressure of a new year can be a lot to take on and it' sounds like you're being incredibly hard on yourself and putting yourself down for not being further along in your recovery.

    It can be hard to see people talking about what they achieved or setting exciting goals for the new year if you're not feeling so optimistic yourself but try not to compare yourself to others and remember that your journey is unique to you.

    When we turn anger on ourselves it can often lead us to feel really low. So, I wonder how else you might be able to express some of that anger? For example, ripping up paper, writing down all your angry thoughts in a word or notepad doc on your laptop and then deleting it, going for a power walk to some energetic music?

    Well done for getting out for a walk - that's really positive and shows you have some good coping techniques!

    You also mentioned feeling disconnected - have you heard of grounding techniques? They can help you to manage overwhelming feelings and bring yourself back into the here and now. Here are a few examples for when you're not feeling yourself:

    LOOK around the room, notice the colours, the shapes of things.

    LISTEN to and really notice the sounds around you - traffic, the washing machine, the wind outside..

    STAND UP and put your feet firmly on the ground.

    MOVE ABOUT - stretch, stamp your feet, jump up and down, run on the spot, clap your hands, walk, remind yourself where you are right now.

    CONNECT - it's great you posted here when you felt like this but actually talking to someone, telling them you feel strange, speaking to someone on the phone - these can help bring you back to feeling like yourself again.

    It might be an idea to start a thread on this to see if people have any more grounding ideas?

    And remember, if things feel like they are getting worse then perhaps it's time to get back to the doctor - no one expects you to get through this on your own and there is support out there. Would this be something you'd be willing to try?

    Your contributions and kindness to others over Christmas has been hugely appreciated, you're not a bad person in our eyes at all.

    *hug*

    Thank you so much for your kind and supportive reply Jo.

    I honestly don't know what say or do anymore.

    I'm at the doctors on the 14th so I am going to speak to her.

    I just feel so lost in everything.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Well done for booking a doctors appointment BananaMonkey- that's the first step!

    How do you feel about your appointment?

    It helps me to write down what I want to say to the doctor, and perhaps you may find 'Doc Ready' helpful.

    Good luck for your appointment!

    Until then and thereafter I am here to listen *hug*

    Doc Ready- http://www.docready.org/#/home
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *BananaMonkey* wrote: »

    I just feel so lost in everything.

    Can you say a bit more about feeling lost? What's that like? What sort of things do you feel lost about?

    Glad to hear you have the doctor's appointment booked in, as apandav says, taking some time to prepare and get the most out of it is a good idea :)

    You are deserving of support :yes:
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Jo7 wrote: »

    Can you say a bit more about feeling lost? What's that like? What sort of things do you feel lost about?

    Glad to hear you have the doctor's appointment booked in, as apandav says, taking some time to prepare and get the most out of it is a good idea :)

    You are deserving of support :yes:

    I just feel like I dont belong anywhere. Like I feel like nobody would care if I wasnt around anymore.

    I feel bad for posting on here when I know others need support too.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you to all those who have taken the time to support me. New week and feeling a bit brighter today. :heart:

    I guess I have realised a lot this weekend.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Glad to hear you're feeling brighter :) Sometimes a fresh week is just what we need.

    Remember that everyone here is equal in terms of using the boards for support, it's okay for you to post for support when you need to :yes:

    And we would care very much if you weren't around!

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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Glad to hear your feeling more positive :) but do remember we are here if you need to chat :heart:

    I would miss you if you weren't around. Honestly you seem like a genuinely nice, caring person- I mean it :heart:
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Want to just go to bed and sleep and hide away.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    I'm sorry to read and see that you are not feeling yourself either-I'm wondering what relapse you had? (Sorry if this seems a really stupid question but there are different types or relapses as we know).

    You are certainly not a horrible person and you will not feel this way forever, trust me. You are there for everyone on TS and we all care about you and are here for you, just as you are for us. We are all here for eachother!

    Hope you're feeling okay, or at least a little better now?*hug*
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    HannahBannanna wrote: »
    Hi,

    I'm sorry to read and see that you are not feeling yourself either-I'm wondering what relapse you had? (Sorry if this seems a really stupid question but there are different types or relapses as we know).

    You are certainly not a horrible person and you will not feel this way forever, trust me. You are there for everyone on TS and we all care about you and are here for you, just as you are for us. We are all here for eachother!

    Hope you're feeling okay, or at least a little better now?*hug*

    I dont really want to say what relapse I had. Its not very fair on others as it could be triggering.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Hi BananaMonkey,

    Sorry to hear that you have relapsed, I can see why it would make you feel bad about yourself. But please do remember it's not your fault, recovery isn't an easy journey for many people. Perhaps you could right a list of what you have achieved, to remind yourself of how far you have came. It's easy to be harsh on ourselves, we can be our own worst enemies at times. It's a lot easier said than done and you don't have to do it on your own- we are here to support you :heart: It would be even better if you could get your GP on board, they are there to help afterall!

    How are you feeling today?

    Sending *hug* s

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