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Stuck.
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
I got some news last week relating to my previous experiences of living with my biological mum and going into foster care, I thought that by hearing the truth it might help ease a lot of pain and anger that I've felt for years... it didn't help, instead my unwell brain instantly jumped to the conclusion that if my mum had tried so hard and failed, that I would too. Since then I haven't been able to shift this massive weight in my chest, I wake up feeling exhausted and have no motivation to do anything (like wash, leave the house etc.) I think the entire experience of my daughter staying with my mum instead of my partner and I has broken my heart and I don't think I can come back from it. I don't even know what to do any more and I seem to keep slipping backwards in regards to stopping drinking. It seems to me that I lack the will power to get better and it's making me wonder why I bother trying. I can't ask for hospital admission because it's used against me. Either way. I feel like I'm on the verge of full blown snapping and I don't know what I'm going to do when that happens... any advice on how to get help without social work knowing would be ideal 
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear things have been so hard - it sounds like this piece of information about your biological mum and living in foster care has really thrown you. Like you say, sometimes the truth can help clear things up but sometimes it can leave us with even more questions. The fact that you've unconsciously used the information to jump to this conclusion is very tough. It sounds like you know you were feeling unwell already and that's why you picked this conclusion out of all possible interpretations, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
It also seems like there's a lot going on generally involving the care of your daughter which isn't helping and you're feeling a lot of pressure as a result. The fact that Christmas can be a tough time of year may also not be helping. Being able to relieve that pressure through talking here, or to another support service, may help in the first instance and you won't have to let any social workers know. Do you have any support from friends or family at the moment too? Taking things a day at a time and not taking on too many responsibilities at the moment might also help.
Let us know how you're getting on,
SarahR
I wondered if you are you getting any support at the moment? It sounds like having somewhere or someone to offload your feelings to and work through all of these emotions might help? I also hear your concern around doing this in terms of what it might mean for you and the family situation. Being separated from your daughter must be so painful, it's not something I have experienced but the idea of it sounds heartbreaking for you
It's natural to want to scream or cry and feel anger about the way things are so finding ways to express that constructively might help - exercise can be good for releasing energetic emotions like anger - or, writing it all out, or putting on some headphones and music and going for a fast walk, or calling a friend and having a good cry?
Has anything like that helped you in the past?
It sounds tiring for you right now too and so I wonder if working on your sleep could be a starting point? One step at a time?
Is it possible to speak to you GP about your meds, they may be able to help, also have you tried things like kalms? They may help.
It's understandable that you don't want to worry your boyfriend, do you have anyone else who you trust to open up too? We're here for you
I hear you; not wanting to open up fully to people or get that release at the times you need it because you don't want to weigh other people down can be quite exhausting and, as you say, isolating. Considering your worries about social work getting the details on this sort of thing, have you ever used confidential support services like the Samaritans or other similar places? I realise that not having a personal connection to someone can sometimes make things less gratifying, but not sure if that's something that affects you - apologies if you've already been down this route and I'm beating a dead horse!
That's OK, we don't mind at all
Sounds like you're going through a difficult time at the moment. You are doing really well to post here about what's been going on for you. How are you feeling after posting these messages?
In your posts you said that you've tried contacting your psychiatrist to see if she can see you sooner, what happened when you tried contacting her? Also you mentioned that you've fallen off the wagon with regards to your drinking and you'll gave to admit it to your alcohol counselor, could you tell us more about this?
You were saying that you're so distressed about the thought of your daughter taken into permanent custody of your mum. This sounds like it's a really tough situation to be in, you're doing so well to be talking to us about this. Have you been able to talk to anyone else about how you're feeling about this?
You were saying in your post that you don't know how to ask for help. This sounds hard, it's really positive that you're writing here how you're feeling and what's happening. What kind of help are you hoping for? What makes you say that you don't know if you want it too?
Feel free to keep posting here, you're doing really well to talk about this.*hug*