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Stuck.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I got some news last week relating to my previous experiences of living with my biological mum and going into foster care, I thought that by hearing the truth it might help ease a lot of pain and anger that I've felt for years... it didn't help, instead my unwell brain instantly jumped to the conclusion that if my mum had tried so hard and failed, that I would too. Since then I haven't been able to shift this massive weight in my chest, I wake up feeling exhausted and have no motivation to do anything (like wash, leave the house etc.) I think the entire experience of my daughter staying with my mum instead of my partner and I has broken my heart and I don't think I can come back from it. I don't even know what to do any more and I seem to keep slipping backwards in regards to stopping drinking. It seems to me that I lack the will power to get better and it's making me wonder why I bother trying. I can't ask for hospital admission because it's used against me. Either way. I feel like I'm on the verge of full blown snapping and I don't know what I'm going to do when that happens... any advice on how to get help without social work knowing would be ideal :)

Comments

  • SarahRSarahR Mod Posts: 213 Settling in
    Hi Nietzsche

    I'm sorry to hear things have been so hard - it sounds like this piece of information about your biological mum and living in foster care has really thrown you. Like you say, sometimes the truth can help clear things up but sometimes it can leave us with even more questions. The fact that you've unconsciously used the information to jump to this conclusion is very tough. It sounds like you know you were feeling unwell already and that's why you picked this conclusion out of all possible interpretations, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

    It also seems like there's a lot going on generally involving the care of your daughter which isn't helping and you're feeling a lot of pressure as a result. The fact that Christmas can be a tough time of year may also not be helping. Being able to relieve that pressure through talking here, or to another support service, may help in the first instance and you won't have to let any social workers know. Do you have any support from friends or family at the moment too? Taking things a day at a time and not taking on too many responsibilities at the moment might also help.

    Let us know how you're getting on,

    SarahR
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Sarah- thanks for your reply, I'm sorry I haven't been on as access to the internet is limited. I recently had to move into homeless accommodation and the situation with my daughter hasn't gotten any better. They're going for permanence with my daughter, I'm trying my best not to let this get to me but the desire to scream, cry, punch walls and tear my hair out keeps coming in waves. I'm not sleeping, I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight due to comfort eating (which makes me hate myself even more). I just don't know what to do with myself any more to be perfectly honest.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Nietzshce - Sarah has actually now left the team since she posted this so I wanted to check in and send you a big hug too if that's okay *hug*It's good to see you back around the boards.

    I wondered if you are you getting any support at the moment? It sounds like having somewhere or someone to offload your feelings to and work through all of these emotions might help? I also hear your concern around doing this in terms of what it might mean for you and the family situation. Being separated from your daughter must be so painful, it's not something I have experienced but the idea of it sounds heartbreaking for you :(

    It's natural to want to scream or cry and feel anger about the way things are so finding ways to express that constructively might help - exercise can be good for releasing energetic emotions like anger - or, writing it all out, or putting on some headphones and music and going for a fast walk, or calling a friend and having a good cry?

    Has anything like that helped you in the past?

    It sounds tiring for you right now too and so I wonder if working on your sleep could be a starting point? One step at a time?
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    I just wanted to offer you some *hug*s :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your words of support Jo and Banana. I do my best to keep myself distracted and talk things through with my partner regularly- except sometimes I feel I cant be completely open with him because I don't want him worrying about me (He's going through this as well and I worry my negativity might bring him down). I used to use lavander oil on my pillow to help me sleep but it's effects are beginning to lessen (due to tolerance I suppose) and my meds don't seem to be helping any more (either with lifting my mood or helping me sleep). I just don't know how much longer I can continue living in this limbo- it is genuinely grinding me down into nothing.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    *hug*s

    Is it possible to speak to you GP about your meds, they may be able to help, also have you tried things like kalms? They may help.

    It's understandable that you don't want to worry your boyfriend, do you have anyone else who you trust to open up too? We're here for you :heart:

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's quite difficult to get appointments with my GP, always fully booked whenever I call but I am intending to see him shortly. I have an alcohol counselor but I need to be careful about what I say due to social work getting access to the notes. I do sometime vent to friends, but I don't want to bother them when they've got their own lives to lead. I suppose it's just a very isolating situation.
  • MikeMike 🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,607 Community Manager
    Hey, Niet. :wave: Great to see you around, again.

    I hear you; not wanting to open up fully to people or get that release at the times you need it because you don't want to weigh other people down can be quite exhausting and, as you say, isolating. Considering your worries about social work getting the details on this sort of thing, have you ever used confidential support services like the Samaritans or other similar places? I realise that not having a personal connection to someone can sometimes make things less gratifying, but not sure if that's something that affects you - apologies if you've already been down this route and I'm beating a dead horse!
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's just never ending. I've suffered through so much in my life, been let down by so many people (including my own family) that it makes it impossible for me to see this getting better. It's just been a shit childhood, a shit adolescence and now a shit adulthood. I'm reminded of my little girl constantly and I'm worried I'm becoming bitter and jealous of literally everyone (particularly families with young children). It's seriously no life to live and I think it would actually destroy me if my daughter was taken permanently from me. Even if she comes back to me, this has been a truly traumatizing experience and I don't think my family relations will recover from this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry for bumping this thread but things are getting difficult. I have tried contacting my psychiatrist to see if she can see me sooner because the low mood and lack of sleep is getting unbearable. I've fallen off the wagon in regards to my drinking and now I'll have to admit that to my alcohol counselor which will look piss poor for my daughter coming back to me. I'm so distressed at the thought of my daughter taken into permanent custody of my mum that I've started planning my suicide for when it happens I feel like I'm living on borrowed time and I don't know how to ask for help. I don't even know if I want it. Maybe I'm just not cut out for living.
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Nietzsche,

    That's OK, we don't mind at all :)

    Sounds like you're going through a difficult time at the moment. You are doing really well to post here about what's been going on for you. How are you feeling after posting these messages?

    In your posts you said that you've tried contacting your psychiatrist to see if she can see you sooner, what happened when you tried contacting her? Also you mentioned that you've fallen off the wagon with regards to your drinking and you'll gave to admit it to your alcohol counselor, could you tell us more about this?

    You were saying that you're so distressed about the thought of your daughter taken into permanent custody of your mum. This sounds like it's a really tough situation to be in, you're doing so well to be talking to us about this. Have you been able to talk to anyone else about how you're feeling about this?

    You were saying in your post that you don't know how to ask for help. This sounds hard, it's really positive that you're writing here how you're feeling and what's happening. What kind of help are you hoping for? What makes you say that you don't know if you want it too?

    Feel free to keep posting here, you're doing really well to talk about this.*hug*
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