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*Triggering* I want to end my life

2

Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »
    Just realised I've been hiding seeing the psychologist and parents think things are getting better. They are bound to get suspicious soon especially as my meds aren't going down :(

    No idea what to say


    *hug*s

    Would you feel able to speak to them about what's going on? :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 523 Incredible Poster
    Hi, I hope you are ok. I cant imagen how hard things must be for you right now. Im just curious have you spoken to your GO about these feelings. If not fo you think you could? The GP can offer advise as well as medication to help with these feelings. I went through a small episode of depression ( caused by an event) and found support group really helped as they were all going through somthing simeler. I also found it hard to tell my parents but it was much better once i did, if telling them verbly dosnt work prehaps you could write a letter or email. Also have you got any outlet to help you deal with the feelings inside? I found writing and acting really helped me. I hope you are ok

    Thinking of you

    Emma
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072


    *hug*s

    Would you feel able to speak to them about what's going on? :heart:

    They know that I take antidepressants and that I've struggled with s' thoughts, as last month they found my medication leaflet and a journal. For weeks I hated the atmosphere at home, I felt very anxious and avoided my parents even more so than before. Them knowing makes me feel worse, I hate constant questions and they give me advice I'm very uncomfortable with. I told them initially I will be seeing a psychologist but have been pretending the referral hasn't arrived yet, when it has. I just cant face their questions following appointments. Additionally I hate the fact that they put a tracker on my phone, i risk turning it off during my appointments. last time i forgot to switch it back on and lied that it wasn't working properly. They get really in my face and clingy which I hate and my mums initial reaction was upsetting. Things have happened in the past and i've always struggled to open up to them. However the past while I have been putting on a face pretending things have improved when I've actually had and am having a difficult time. They have got suspicious but still been covering things up. They are going to ask questions, as mums already saying I should speak to my GP about reducing meds and they will probably ask about the referral if I don't tell them soon. They want to know everything though and its too much for me, especially as I live with them!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi, I hope you are ok. I cant imagen how hard things must be for you right now. Im just curious have you spoken to your GO about these feelings. If not fo you think you could? The GP can offer advise as well as medication to help with these feelings. I went through a small episode of depression ( caused by an event) and found support group really helped as they were all going through somthing simeler. I also found it hard to tell my parents but it was much better once i did, if telling them verbly dosnt work prehaps you could write a letter or email. Also have you got any outlet to help you deal with the feelings inside? I found writing and acting really helped me. I hope you are ok

    Thinking of you

    Emma


    Thanks for your reply Emma.

    Yes I have been seeing my GP about my mental health since about April this year. I currently take antidepressants and have had my dosage upped twice. I've had CBT on the primary mental health team but am still struggling and things have got worse so I'm now with the community mental health team. Still being assessed by my psychologist after 3 appointments , but she is hopeful treatment will begin after my next appointment in January.

    My parents know some stuff but Ive been pretending things are better as I just cant handle them (explained in my post above). They are bound to get suspicious soon and i just cant handle it especially as we live in the same house.

    I do find writing my feelings out helps me sometimes but am still discovering new ways to manage things. I normally struggle with the initial motivation though e.g. to write things out.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    How you getting on apandav ? :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    How you getting on apandav ? :heart:

    Thank you for asking, I really appreciate it :heart:

    I'm feeling a bit better at the moment, but not 100%

    My issues still exist and wont go away until I sort them. I've tried to do it on my own but I just can't, so currently just waiting things out until I go back to see the psychologist (who I've not seen in almost a month due to holidays). She is hopeful that assessment will finish and I can start working on things after next appointment, I so hope that too, I'm sick of this and just need to start moving forwards rather than backwards!!
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »

    Thank you for asking, I really appreciate it :heart:

    I'm feeling a bit better at the moment, but not 100%

    My issues still exist and wont go away until I sort them. I've tried to do it on my own but I just can't, so currently just waiting things out until I go back to see the psychologist (who I've not seen in almost a month due to holidays). She is hopeful that assessment will finish and I can start working on things after next appointment, I so hope that too, I'm sick of this and just need to start moving forwards rather than backwards!!


    It's okay :heart:

    You'll get there eventually.

    Remember you can still post on here if you need a chat, we care.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072


    It's okay :heart:

    You'll get there eventually.

    Remember you can still post on here if you need a chat, we care.

    Thank you :heart:

    Even just posting on here feels good to let everything out, especially as I keep a lot of secrets from people in my life and I like that I never feel judged on here or worry about being judged.

    No matter how things are I definitely stll want to be a part of thesite. It's became a big part of my live in a good way, not just for support but I like joining in on other threads and I like trying to help out where I can (when I feel able to) even all I can do is listen and send some hugs. I joined to get support but its so much more than that now :heart:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »

    Thank you :heart:

    Even just posting on here feels good to let everything out, especially as I keep a lot of secrets from people in my life and I like that I never feel judged on here or worry about being judged.

    No matter how things are I definitely stll want to be a part of thesite. It's became a big part of my live in a good way, not just for support but I like joining in on other threads and I like trying to help out where I can (when I feel able to) even if I can just send some hugs. I joined to get support but its so much more than that now :heart:


    Really great to here. :heart:

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Here goes the stupid hour by hour plan I shall write, they recommended it :crying: ......
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    11-12 get ready
    12-1 make and eat lunch
    1-2 sort room
    2-3
    3-4
    4-5 get organised for docs tomorrow
    5-6 get ready for bed
    6-7
    7-8 dinner
    8-9:30 support chat
    9:30-10:30 TV , get ready for bed
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Ain't going to take me an hour to have lunch or sort my room or sort stuff for docs. Yet I still have so many spaces :( this plan is shit
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey apandav *hug*s

    Just wanted to see how you are doing ? :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hey apandav *hug*s

    Just wanted to see how you are doing ? :heart:

    Not good, thanks for asking.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I want to end my life
  • SarahRSarahR Mod Posts: 213 Settling in
    Hi apandav,

    *hug* I'm sorry that today is so hard - what's been happening? Don't forget, you can contact Samaritans 24/7 if you need immediate support with suicidal feelings: 116 123.

    SarahR
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    apandav wrote: »
    I want to end my life


    Hey there Amanda,

    Would it help to talk a bit about what's going on for you at the moment? Were here for you *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    SarahR wrote: »
    Hi apandav,

    *hug* I'm sorry that today is so hard - what's been happening? Don't forget, you can contact Samaritans 24/7 if you need immediate support with suicidal feelings: 116 123.

    SarahR


    Hi Sarah

    Thanks for your reply!

    Just been feeling like lifes not worth living, that things will never get better and that I'm doomed.

    I phoned the samaritans yesterday and I phoned papyrus today. The lady I spoke to at papyrus was very helpful and she said I can phone back to discuss a safe plan. I already have one with my psychologist, but will probably discuss things further with them.

    I made plans to go to my friends house this afternoon, I'm not really in the mood to go but these friends know and its only a quiet night in. Going to push myself to go and see if it helps a little, my friend also said we could chat about how I feel, if I want. Been struggling to talk to friends but got a lovely text from my friend earlier after telling her how I feel!

    Was actually at the doctors today and she asked me "what stops you?", honestly its the fear of becoming disabled in some form as a result.

    Things are tough, I guess I've been worse but I'm just at a point where I want to escape from life.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Sending you *hug*s lovely.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sending you *hug*s lovely.


    Thanks *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just about gathered the very little energy I have to post on here......

    I feel misreable :crying: and I have no motivation. Phoned Samaritans, didn't really help, I barley spoke. Can't even get myself up, I have no desire to do anything yet feel crap doing nothing. Just been staring into space all morning. I even tried texting my friend and she sent me all these ideas of stuff to do like walks, cooking etc. but don't feel in the mood for anything.

    I know I need to tidy my room and do dishes etc. for mum coming home just after .......can't even get myself together to do that :(
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Hi Amanda. Could you tell us a bit more about Samaritans, in particular why that didn't seem to help? Just so we can make some other suggestions.

    Is there anything you would enjoy doing rather than chores which you could do for a small amount of time to lift your mood a little?

    Sending loads of hugs your way, is anything particular happening today which has made you feel so low?
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Cat88 wrote: »
    Hi Amanda. Could you tell us a bit more about Samaritans, in particular why that didn't seem to help? Just so we can make some other suggestions.

    Is there anything you would enjoy doing rather than chores which you could do for a small amount of time to lift your mood a little?

    Sending loads of hugs your way, is anything particular happening today which has made you feel so low?

    Hi Cat,

    Thanks for your reply!

    Samaritans didn't really help because I felt to low to talk properly so they mostly just asked me questions and I feel like I hating explaining to people why I can't talk to my parents. Also because they can't give any advice and it's all about you coming up with something on your own. All they do is say "mmmm...." and ask a bunch of questions, I felt no further forward after chatting with them.

    Right now I'm not in the mood for any "fun" stuff and feel overwhelmed that my mums expecting my room to be tidy when she comes home (it's not a lot technically but it feels stressful for me, I can't even get out of bed :( ). Like I'm not in the mood and have no motivation for anything yet I'm not happy doing nothing :crying:

    Thanks, nothing in particular - just the depression and anxiety, bad day :(
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    I'm so sorry to hear that :( sorry to hear Samaritans didn't help, but please still bear them in mind in future if you're having suicidal thoughts. They're there to listen even if nothing else.

    Could you perhaps approach today with little steps - e.g. just getting up first, rather than thinking about all the things you need to do at once?
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Cat88 wrote: »
    I'm so sorry to hear that :( sorry to hear Samaritans didn't help, but please still bear them in mind in future if you're having suicidal thoughts. They're there to listen even if nothing else.

    Could you perhaps approach today with little steps - e.g. just getting up first, rather than thinking about all the things you need to do at once?

    Thanks for your reply!

    I actually managed to get a bit done by doing small steps eg. 5 mins of tidying up instead of doing it all (I'm still not finished) and managed to get myself up. My dad finished work early and asked me to go to the shops with him- wasn't really in the mood, but I went and I feel better now. I'm still not great but yeah least I've done something.
  • Hey Amanda - so glad to hear that taking small steps is helping. Great that you were able to spend a bit of time with your dad and that's it's helped you feel a bit better. It sounds like focusing on baby steps might be the way forward for a bit. Keep us posted on how you're getting on. *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hey Amanda - so glad to hear that taking small steps is helping. Great that you were able to spend a bit of time with your dad and that's it's helped you feel a bit better. It sounds like focusing on baby steps might be the way forward for a bit. Keep us posted on how you're getting on. *hug*

    Thanks for replying Alice!

    Came home to my mum moaning about my room etc. - I don't care about it being "new year", it's just another day!

    Was feeling better but feel crappier again now :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Was having a good day, now my dad is angry at me :(

    I got these good headphones last Christmas , they stopped working ages ago asked my parents about it, now dads saying I should have said as would have been under warranty and saying I need to be more responsible. Truth is I was too embarrassed to tell them I hit them against my bed frame accidenly when wearing them as I was stressed. And things have been tough, last thing on my mind is earphones, now my dads currently angry with me and agruing with my mum.....other fucking headphones :crying: I can't take this

    Oh and I did say ages ago they stopped working too, fml.....it's my problem, stop shouting.

    I've had bigger things to think about the past year, with suicidal thoughts etc :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav,

    I'm sorry to hear about the anger surrounding you today. Parents often flare up about these small things, not realising the impact it might have.

    Is there anything you can do to help clear your head and distract you a little? Maybe going for a walk or watching TV - just to help get you back to feeling how you were earlier :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    raich wrote: »
    Hey apandav,

    I'm sorry to hear about the anger surrounding you today. Parents often flare up about these small things, not realising the impact it might have.

    Is there anything you can do to help clear your head and distract you a little? Maybe going for a walk or watching TV - just to help get you back to feeling how you were earlier :)

    Yeah things have calmed down now and started to feel a bit better after watching a film.

    Now I'm just thinking about life, i feel so jealous when I look on my Facebook newsfeed. I know it doesn't mean to say people's lives are good etc. but I feel like mine doesn't compare. Makes me sad as although I've managed to stay overall more content the past couple of days, I've been clock watching waiting for the day to end. I watched TV all day, but kept checking the time, feels like no life. Now I was planning to go to bed earlier (to pass time) but I'm too awake now and I'm getting into one of those debates about life (which normally results in me feeling crap in the end) and I'm all out of distractions :(

    Now today was a lazy day, what the heck will I do tomorrow? my box set that I've managed to get into will be finished soon and that's me all out of stuff to do :( plus I can't do this the rest of my life!
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