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*Triggering* I want to end my life

Suicidal thoughts have been getting worse and more intense recently. I feel so overwhelemed, I can't put it into words - it's a combination of many things. To make things worse I feel like I'm living on egg shells with everyone. I get so overwhelmed and I have been getting riskier. I haven't really been on thesite much as I'm just so overwhelemed words can't explain. I try to come into chats, sometimes I think I'm a bit better then I just realise no I'm not. Basically I'm so desperate, I feel I have no where else to go. I've been trying so hard with helplines, I even broke my fear and phoned the crisis team.
Things are really bad, I'm going out and buying stuff, almost committing the act. I did go to the student nurse on Friday when things were bad and she helped me to dispose but I almost did something stupid in front of her, I just want away so badly. Things have went extremely downhill.

Made a safety plan with my psychologist which I'm trying to follow but isn't really helping. I don't see her next until after the new year.

I'm normally quite open with my feelings online eg. On thesite. Things are so bad I've even felt unable to post.

Been texting my mentor too, and basically she's at loose ends with advice, she thinks I should tell my parents. Then helplines, I'm trying to use their advice it's not happening. And now for breathing space, one of the advisors always recognises me and I feel she's starting to get a bit annoyed with me. I know she's trying to be firm but basically got "go get yourself dressed, have breakfast" in a firm voice and phone back if you still don't feel good. Nothing's helping and I'm so desperate.

I want to die. I'm loosing control. I don't know what to do ...
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's negative in your life to make you feel the way you post here?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav,
    Just wanted to say that you're not alone because we are always here for you. *hug*
    Hope things start getting better for you soon x
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    hey apandav,

    I agree with what Emi said above, we are here for you.

    Do you want to chat about things some more, you're not alone :heart:

    *hug*s
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hi Amanda,
    Thank you for your honesty in your post, both talking about how far things have got for you but also being able to recognise how desperate things have got and the steps youve taken to get help - particularly calling the crisis team. Please do keep reaching out in that way when you feel out of control.

    When you talk about egg shells, can you explain it a bit more?

    Try not to be too hard on yourself during this stressful time and come and talk here as often as you need too - as the girls say we're 100% here.
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    Hey apandav,

    Well done for posting about your thoughts - it's good you were able to tell us and some of the support networks around you. I just want to reiterate that we're here for you whenever you feel you can post *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks everyone for your replies , makes me feel less alone *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    **helen** wrote: »
    Hi Amanda,
    Thank you for your honesty in your post, both talking about how far things have got for you but also being able to recognise how desperate things have got and the steps youve taken to get help - particularly calling the crisis team. Please do keep reaching out in that way when you feel out of control.

    When you talk about egg shells, can you explain it a bit more?

    Try not to be too hard on yourself during this stressful time and come and talk here as often as you need too - as the girls say we're 100% here.

    Thanks Helen.

    Just on top of all my thoughts etc. I feel like I have to lie and hide things to those closest to me. It's really taking its toll. I have so many excuses to parents and it's so hard pretending things are going well, when it's quite the opposite. I live with them which makes it more difficult. I do it because I can't cope with constant questions and being jus-understood etc.

    Plus parents already on my nerves- saying I'm too independent. They are already annoyed about going behind their back to get medical advice for something, but they don't know I've been going to psychology appointments.

    Plus I have reasons which make it difficult to talk to other friends and family.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    What's negative in your life to make you feel the way you post here?


    To be honest it's mostly a combination of many thoughts. Like everything is a negative right now and I get so easily set off/ triggered by small things. Mostly to do with feeling doomed, feeling like a horrible person, issues with parents, my past and probably more stuff that I think about at the time.

    I'm just at the stage where I feel what's the point?

    Plus as it is small things are making me overwhelmed. I have my main issues but I guess other stuff can make them seem worse
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I'm really having bad sleep at the moment, I tried mindfulness etc. I had a panic attack last night but managed to calm down through mindfulness. Yet I still haven't slept or when I do sleep it feels very poor.

    My sleep has went so downhill the past two weeks :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I'm also a bit weary of the fact as I said I've been getting riskier. But I've been having some pretty graphic visions. I use to be so set in what I thought about and now i feel my mind is becoming more "adventurous" (not right word) in a bad way. My anxiety isn't good either, I feel more panicky. My meds definitely made me more relaxed but I've been having panic attacks more frequently, just in past few weeks :(
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    apandav wrote: »
    I'm also a bit weary of the fact as I said I've been getting riskier. But I've been having some pretty graphic visions. I use to be so set in what I thought about and now i feel my mind is becoming more "adventurous" (not right word) in a bad way. My anxiety isn't good either, I feel more panicky. My meds definitely made me more relaxed but I've been having panic attacks more frequently, just in past few weeks :(


    Panic attacks are horrible, I'm sorry to hear they've been happening more often. In terms of your mind becoming more 'adventurous' it can be important to remember that thoughts aren't 'events' and so they aren't happening to you - they are simply flashing through your mind. Finding ways that you can halt the thoughts in their tracks, before they become extreme (and not indulge them) is a difficult skill, but one that you can develop if you feel you want to - it's a good thing to talk about here and in any therapy sessions.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks for the reply Helen!

    I've definitely calmed down this week. I've managed to keep myself busy which has helped! The next month is going to be a challenge though-no uni. until the 18th of January!!

    When I get this low, I feel very trapped and don't know what to do. But I agree I need to remind myself they are just thoughts.

    I know that when I start going out and buying "things", thats when I need to phone crisis team!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just wanted to add I went to my first support group today- its informal and found it on this website called meet ups.

    The people I met were lovely and it was nice to feel less alone!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's really good to hear apandav - hope you're doing okay :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    raich wrote: »
    That's really good to hear apandav - hope you're doing okay :)

    Thanks Raich, definitely feeling better this week :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Yet again another worker at this helpline (workers with MH backgrounds)- told me I phone constanly, they can't offer me the support I need and that I should see my GP. This made me cry as I already feel hopeless and this makes me feel like no more can be done :( I phoned samaritans after, could barley talk, hung up, cried and ended up phoning that helpline and spoke to another person who was much more helpful. That's now 3 people on that helpline who have told me similar things now :( I even stopped phoning for a week even when I felt I needed too, to try and show them it isn't constant. I just can't help it, my life consists of phoning helplines. I try to do simple things like watching TV beforehand but usually I can't concentrate and want to throw the remote at the TV.

    Well today I impulsively phoned my GP surgery and got an appointment that day (as turns out you can't book in advance over Christmas hols. Went to a completely different GP this time , which felt good as my regular one knows most stuff and I don't think listens as much as assumes its the "same old". I told her about the s* thoughts, sh and even binge eating (for comfort). We had a chat and said that the psychologist I am seeing will be the right support I need. Gave me tips like using an elastic band and drawing on myself. Also she asked me straight up about how much at "risk" I believe I am. She booked another appointment to check up on how things are with me next week as I'm more at risk over the holidays (as no MH support) and that it may give me the chance to look to talking to someone so balance things out for me (I agree).

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    I don't honestly know what to say apandav, but I just wanted to reply to offer you some *hug*s

    :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I don't honestly know what to say apandav, but I just wanted to reply to offer you some *hug*s

    :heart:

    Thanks *BananaMonkey* , I really appreciate it :heart:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    It's okay :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Feeling sad, should be happier, Christmas is just another day!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Well GP next Monday , and then back to seeing psychologist after a month (due to hols :( ). Hopefully they decide what's happening so I can try fixing things. I try on my own but just fail all the time :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just had a s' thought :/
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just came out of nowhere :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi apandav

    Sorry to hear you're feeling sad and struggling today. I know this might sound trite, but try not to beat yourself up about it.

    As you say, Christmas is just another day, but that also means it isn't magically any easier than any other day.

    It sounds positive that you're seeing your GP and a psychologist. As you say, it's good that you'll be able to get support from them so you can focus on your wellbeing and taking care of yourself.

    Do let us know how you're getting on. We're still here to listen and support you.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey lovely :heart:

    Just read back over some of your recent posts and I am sorry to hear your struggling as much as you are. I know for me personally it feels like there is a big thing associated with it being Christmas day, and I put myself under pressure to 'be okay'

    It is just like any other day like you say, how are you feeling now since posting earlier? :heart:

    We are here for you, and we care.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    knockknock wrote: »
    Hi apandav

    Sorry to hear you're feeling sad and struggling today. I know this might sound trite, but try not to beat yourself up about it.

    As you say, Christmas is just another day, but that also means it isn't magically any easier than any other day.

    It sounds positive that you're seeing your GP and a psychologist. As you say, it's good that you'll be able to get support from them so you can focus on your wellbeing and taking care of yourself.

    Do let us know how you're getting on. We're still here to listen and support you.

    Thanks for your reply! I guess I just feel cause it's supposed to be a happier day I should feel happier. Going to focus on my appointments and being open to the professionals
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hey lovely :heart:

    Just read back over some of your recent posts and I am sorry to hear your struggling as much as you are. I know for me personally it feels like there is a big thing associated with it being Christmas day, and I put myself under pressure to 'be okay'

    It is just like any other day like you say, how are you feeling now since posting earlier? :heart:

    We are here for you, and we care.

    Thank you for your reply :heart:

    Yeah I completely understand, perhaps I'm putting myself under too much pressure to be happy and should aim for being okay, like yourself.

    I'm feeling okay now I guess, just wanting the day to be over. Have people over so feel I have to spend time with them and my family, but I just want to go up to my room like any other day, and go to bed!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Might just stay in my room. Mum invited the next door neighbours round last minute, grans also over. Feel I'm being rude but just want to be alone :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just realised I've been hiding seeing the psychologist and parents think things are getting better. They are bound to get suspicious soon especially as my meds aren't going down :(

    No idea what to say
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »

    Thank you for your reply :heart:

    Yeah I completely understand, perhaps I'm putting myself under too much pressure to be happy and should aim for being okay, like yourself.

    I'm feeling okay now I guess, just wanting the day to be over. Have people over so feel I have to spend time with them and my family, but I just want to go up to my room like any other day, and go to bed!


    I fully relate. I know how your feeling,

    You gotta do what's best for YOU!! :heart: *hug*
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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