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What's on my mind - my current worries, issues and concerns
Former Member
:)Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
Been a tough week for me- low feelings and increased anxiety. I have had and still have a lot on my mind.
Things have happened, causing me great upset. Found it hard to move on, but somehow have kept going.
I ended up confiding in two of my friends over my mental health struggles. It wasn't planned at all, I feel desperate. They are supportive, however I can't help but feel sad. I have even told them what I was like at my worst (suicidal feelings). Fortunately, I no longer feel that way but I feel they know all about my mind. They don't understand how it feels, I feel vulnerable with them as they know I have mental health issues (and they don't). It's hard to explain.
Also, last session of therapy on Friday. It was supposed to be two weeks ago but she gave me an additional session. I don't know how to feel. I honestly feel like I will miss being able to confide in my therapist. Although I have my friends, I don't feel it will be the same.
In addition, I'm weary of the fact my parents don't know about my struggles. They don't even know I take antidepressants! I feel guilty about it (my friends have been encouraging me to tell them). I don't think I will ever be ready to tell them. I feels sad that this will be a secret that I will keep from them, forever. I have reasons not to tell them- based on my past experiences!
I'm trying to move on and improve, but when I feel every time I make a positive step forward, I soon take a step back. Things were going up before this week, all of a sudden they crashed- I was miserable.
I'm starting university- next week is freshers. I'm some ways excitement has kept me going. However, I feel I just want to fit in. Had bad experiences at school in the past, felt like an outcast majority of the time. I don't want to relive it an I fear people will think I'm 'weird, fat' or just not want to talk to me. As much as it's about the degree, I am here to study- I don't want university life to be miserable. I want to feel comfortable around people and have friends. Is that too much to ask?
Generally I'm a self conscious person. I worry about the way I talk, walk, look. Quite often I avoid situations in public due to this. Sometimes I get nervous and avoid doing things because of it- but I don't even know why. For example, I've been planning to get an eye test for weeks (I'm due one and they keep sending me letters). I kept on wanting to book an appointment on multiple days but I kept walking past it and not doing it. I don't know if it's cause I know my vision is fine but in the back of my mind I'm worrying about brain tumours etc. I know my vision is good but I get eye tests as I know they can detect your health from them. Eventually I did it, one day I was brave and even booked my menengitis vaccination on the same day! Other times, I want I go into shops but avoid it due to what people think of me eg. I won't go into a high street clothing shop when I feel I look like a mess as I think everyone looks nicer so they will judge me. I often walk past them. Even if I need to get something or want to go shopping. I don't know why I do this!
I also worry that people think I'm shoplifting (when I'm not, I would never do that). As I sometime act nervous, or walk with my head down or just go in shops for a look and not buy anything.
I wish I wasn't so self conscious!
Plus, I feel I've gained weight recently and it's making me feel bad. A couple of years ago, I lost a lot of weight- from then on I ate healthily and went to the gym. Things have went downhill- I'm not eating as healthy and barley exercising. Luckily I'm still the same size of clothes but still I feel I've gained a considerable amount. I've also been paying for a gym membership which I haven't been using. I feel to embarrassed to go back, plus when I thought about cancelling it I was too anxious to go up to the gym (for fear of judgement).
I'm sick and tired of caring what people think of me. I always worry about what other think. When someone says something negative about me, it really damages my confidence (I have low self esteem as it is). The words go around and around my head, they don't go away. I wish I could just ignore it but I can't.
I'm tired of avoiding situations, I just want to care less like others. I'm jealous of people, who don't feel self conscious or worry about being judged.
I feel guilty as I don't like visiting my gran anymore. She has dementia, I don't like seeing her that way and I find it difficult to make conversation. I do love her, I just find it hard.
Just realised I've mentioned a lot of current issues. I just felt the need to type it all out.
Things have happened, causing me great upset. Found it hard to move on, but somehow have kept going.
I ended up confiding in two of my friends over my mental health struggles. It wasn't planned at all, I feel desperate. They are supportive, however I can't help but feel sad. I have even told them what I was like at my worst (suicidal feelings). Fortunately, I no longer feel that way but I feel they know all about my mind. They don't understand how it feels, I feel vulnerable with them as they know I have mental health issues (and they don't). It's hard to explain.
Also, last session of therapy on Friday. It was supposed to be two weeks ago but she gave me an additional session. I don't know how to feel. I honestly feel like I will miss being able to confide in my therapist. Although I have my friends, I don't feel it will be the same.
In addition, I'm weary of the fact my parents don't know about my struggles. They don't even know I take antidepressants! I feel guilty about it (my friends have been encouraging me to tell them). I don't think I will ever be ready to tell them. I feels sad that this will be a secret that I will keep from them, forever. I have reasons not to tell them- based on my past experiences!
I'm trying to move on and improve, but when I feel every time I make a positive step forward, I soon take a step back. Things were going up before this week, all of a sudden they crashed- I was miserable.
I'm starting university- next week is freshers. I'm some ways excitement has kept me going. However, I feel I just want to fit in. Had bad experiences at school in the past, felt like an outcast majority of the time. I don't want to relive it an I fear people will think I'm 'weird, fat' or just not want to talk to me. As much as it's about the degree, I am here to study- I don't want university life to be miserable. I want to feel comfortable around people and have friends. Is that too much to ask?
Generally I'm a self conscious person. I worry about the way I talk, walk, look. Quite often I avoid situations in public due to this. Sometimes I get nervous and avoid doing things because of it- but I don't even know why. For example, I've been planning to get an eye test for weeks (I'm due one and they keep sending me letters). I kept on wanting to book an appointment on multiple days but I kept walking past it and not doing it. I don't know if it's cause I know my vision is fine but in the back of my mind I'm worrying about brain tumours etc. I know my vision is good but I get eye tests as I know they can detect your health from them. Eventually I did it, one day I was brave and even booked my menengitis vaccination on the same day! Other times, I want I go into shops but avoid it due to what people think of me eg. I won't go into a high street clothing shop when I feel I look like a mess as I think everyone looks nicer so they will judge me. I often walk past them. Even if I need to get something or want to go shopping. I don't know why I do this!
I also worry that people think I'm shoplifting (when I'm not, I would never do that). As I sometime act nervous, or walk with my head down or just go in shops for a look and not buy anything.
I wish I wasn't so self conscious!
Plus, I feel I've gained weight recently and it's making me feel bad. A couple of years ago, I lost a lot of weight- from then on I ate healthily and went to the gym. Things have went downhill- I'm not eating as healthy and barley exercising. Luckily I'm still the same size of clothes but still I feel I've gained a considerable amount. I've also been paying for a gym membership which I haven't been using. I feel to embarrassed to go back, plus when I thought about cancelling it I was too anxious to go up to the gym (for fear of judgement).
I'm sick and tired of caring what people think of me. I always worry about what other think. When someone says something negative about me, it really damages my confidence (I have low self esteem as it is). The words go around and around my head, they don't go away. I wish I could just ignore it but I can't.
I'm tired of avoiding situations, I just want to care less like others. I'm jealous of people, who don't feel self conscious or worry about being judged.
I feel guilty as I don't like visiting my gran anymore. She has dementia, I don't like seeing her that way and I find it difficult to make conversation. I do love her, I just find it hard.
Just realised I've mentioned a lot of current issues. I just felt the need to type it all out.
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Comments
It will of huge surprise to you that I have a preteen daughter who is twelve years old. She is as bright and as highly articulate as you, listening but acting upon all she is being taught by me and our family. Since from such an early age as eight, my daughter learnt to 'sign' so I could talk to her which she understands as easily as if I were able to speak. Likewise when you were a young teenager, you fast tracked your school subjects to be a brilliant high achiever in academia, so it is already a given that you know you are potentially able to overcome all this worry state - and from whom your therapist has been so painstakingly supportive. The onus on you therefore is to snap out of this GAD and reflect on all you have learnt and stop doing self-pity because otherwise you are going to get yourself into such a stew that attending university will put you right back into kindergarten.
Again, I am not trying to be disagreeable. You are acting childishly intransigent, apanda. You are incredibly bright and you can be happy if you try and make the effort. Your parents don't need to know your mental health state since you are 18 and therefore adult. Simply that, as of now, you owe it yourself to stop whinging, and remember the great things great people encouraged you with, and act on them.
Access Denied, I'm not sure it's helpful to compare apandav to your daughter as everyone's experience of anxiety is so unique. it's great to hear that she's so proactive but it's important to remember that we all respond to things differently. Everyone's experience of therapy will also be very different too so without being in the room with apandav, only she can know how those sessions have gone and what she can realistically take away from them.
On that note however, that could be something useful to think about apandav - perhaps take some time to write down in a journal what you have learnt about yourself during your time in therapy and maybe some small goals to work towards? The real work they say, often happens outside of the therapy room as the things you're learning really start to sink in. You mentioned anxiety in social situations and feeling self-conscious - this could be an area for you to work on, perhaps seeing if there are any societies or clubs at uni you're interested in to help you face your fears and come out of your shell a bit and gain confidence?
What I can see from your post is a great deal of self-awareness, you're aware of some of your behaviours and things you'd like to change and that's a great starting point! You're way ahead there. It could be worth looking into the student support services at your university once you start and seeing if there is anything on offer that might be helpful for you.
It must be hard to feel so self-conscious all the time and worried about what others think. One thing someone told me once which I found useful was that quite often we are all more worried about ourselves than anyone else, so all those people you think might be judging you are also too busy in their own heads as well to be thinking about you!
Finally then, do keep talking to your friends and really well done for opening up to them. The fact is that 1 in 4 people will experience mental health problems - you're not a freak and you're not alone. They may need a bit of time to process things but reminding them that they can ask you questions if they want to or letting them know what they can do, even just small things to help, will enable them to support you rather than being unsure as to what to do or say.
Student Against Depression have a section on their site full of students stories, you might find these ones about anxiety useful to read: http://studentsagainstdepression.org/topics/anxiety/
Let us know how you're getting on *hug*
Jo- thank you for your reply! I find that writing everything down is helpful. Like you said, it's a good way of "getting things out".
I've now decided that I'm going to give journaling a go. I have done similar in the past, but been unable to maintain it. Think I will dedicate 2 specific notebooks - one to detail what I've learned from therapy and another one to generally express my thought and feelings in. Therapy ending is scary and I can see your point - "it's where the real work will begin".
Also, I know there are a lot of clubs/societies at my university. I think it would be beneficial for me to join one- to gain more confidence and maybe even make friends
"People are more worried about themselves, rather than others" - great way to put it. I will try to bear this in mind for the future!
Funnily enough, my friends even told me they weren't sure if they could approach me with a question. Honestly, I didn't know how to reply. I think, I need to meet up with them for a chat - reassure them it's okay to ask questions and tell them how they can support me, like you said.
Thanks for the link, I'm going to have a lot at it just now!
The words in my dream were so harsh but in reality they demonstrate the truth!
I feel lost as right now as I literally don't know what to do. I feel tierd but can't sleep. I have nothing to do today or look forward to -this makes things worse, especially as I need a distraction right now (with therapy ending tomorrow and all).
On top of that my minds starting to wonder. I feel sad as there is no point in getting up today, I feel no reason to look forward to my day. Normally I'm excited about starting university but today I just feel it's all too real- this feeling dominates at this moment. It makes me thing what's the point in anything. And now, not only have I woke up in an anxious state, I've put myself into a low mood.
I'm really trying, but it's so difficult. Keep telling myself positive things and. Reminding myself to focus on the moment...... but it's just not happening. Now I feel bad as I'm questioning how I will cope after therapy, if I'm trying to cope on my own right now yet it's not working.
Looking back on what ice just wrote, from CBT I can tell that I'm trying to predict the future (which is impossible) and that my basis is on past events. Past events don't always determine the future. Moreover, I do know the logical theories behind all my worry, but still I can't convince myself that they are not real!
I take Kalms which contain extract from Valerian. It's a herbal preparation easily bought over-the-counter at pharmacists anywhere in town or at Boots the chemist. Kalms are small white tablets working very effectively after about 30 minutes, relieving periods of worry, irritability, stresses & strains. During that time, try preparing yourself for bed. Have a warm shower or bath to relax your muscles, dim the lights in your bedroom, but prior to that, make your bed appear cosy and welcoming for when you leave the bathroom. I've already started to do this since my injuries, for getting into a habit now will soon become regular so you will welcome a good night's sleep. Lack of sleep, and I don't mean to preach, but we all know that insomnia caused by overthinking will not help us the next morning, for this is why we feel so lousy.
Think back to when you last worried and fretted. Since then, nothing tangible, graspable actually happened. You must make a conscious effort to step out of this cycle to focus on the time, Being.
Have a good day at university fresher's. I look forward to reading about your experience.
Poppi
I've looked into Kalms in the past (for exams etc.) but was put off as it can make you drowsy, according to the label. I might try it at night, if I continue to struggle sleeping. I've been using Bach's Rescue Remedy for 4 years now (on and off, normally during exam season)- it used to help me a lot in my exams, but I felt recently it's started to become ineffective for me (probably because I've been using it for too long). (That was before I started medication).
I'm really trying to be mindful and question my thoughts (from what I've learned)- today's been okay, but I can't be sure of tomorrow!
Thanks
All that hard work two years ago, slowly going to waste. I need to change before I go up a size again
It can be a horrible when you don't feel comfortable in yourself - a healthy diet and some regular exercise should help you to start feeling better - perhaps you could set yourself a goal for the week ahead if that would be helpful? Something like at least half an hour of brisk walking a day?
We have lots of info around fitness and diet here on TheSite too that you might find useful: http://www.thesite.org/your-body/fitness-and-diet/page/1
Let us know how you're doing *hug*
I was a healthy weight (according to BMI) but I think I may be slightly over now(not weighed myself since). Don't get me wrong, I'm not obese. But that doesn't matter, I'm still very self conscious of my weight/size. So yes, I do want to change for that reason. I just want to feel like I fit in and I want to feel more confident within myself. (Obviously confidence comes from a multitude of aspects, but I feel this is one that would improve mine greatly). I'm changing for me mainly, but also as I want to fit in. Plus my mum keeps making comments like "your getting a bit chubby again". That's making me feel rather upset!
I do know why I've gained weight though - I started grazing on snacks again! My biggest issue is snacks, sometimes i don't even realise it until after but I just eat for the sake of it (like when bored or stressed). Also lack of physical activity, as a month ago I was constantly pushing heavy wheelchairs up a hill (through work) and that helped me maintain things. Then I haven't really been doing much. I have been on a few walks etc. but still. I'm hoping with uni starting my eating will be under control (and it has improved the past few days), as I'm busy and so don't snack a lot. Obviously I eat when I'm hungry but when I'm busy I don't even feel bothered by not eating as most of the time I am not hungry. Hence I have been eating when I don't need to recently.
In relation to exercise. I'm also trying to find balance in my life between uni, studying, relaxing etc. , think I need to put in some space for exercise too! I'll try setting myself goals and thanks for the link.
Thanks for replying Jo
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