Home Health & Wellbeing
At The Mix, we want to make our services as helpful as we can. To do this, we’d love to ask you a few questions about you, your visit to The Mix and its impact. It should take only about 5-10 minutes to complete. Take this survey and get a chance at winning a £200 Amazon voucher​.
Come and join our Support Circle, every Tuesday, 8 - 9:30pm! Sign up here
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

What's on my mind - my current worries, issues and concerns

Been a tough week for me- low feelings and increased anxiety. I have had and still have a lot on my mind.

Things have happened, causing me great upset. Found it hard to move on, but somehow have kept going.

I ended up confiding in two of my friends over my mental health struggles. It wasn't planned at all, I feel desperate. They are supportive, however I can't help but feel sad. I have even told them what I was like at my worst (suicidal feelings). Fortunately, I no longer feel that way but I feel they know all about my mind. They don't understand how it feels, I feel vulnerable with them as they know I have mental health issues (and they don't). It's hard to explain.

Also, last session of therapy on Friday. It was supposed to be two weeks ago but she gave me an additional session. I don't know how to feel. I honestly feel like I will miss being able to confide in my therapist. Although I have my friends, I don't feel it will be the same.

In addition, I'm weary of the fact my parents don't know about my struggles. They don't even know I take antidepressants! I feel guilty about it (my friends have been encouraging me to tell them). I don't think I will ever be ready to tell them. I feels sad that this will be a secret that I will keep from them, forever. I have reasons not to tell them- based on my past experiences!

I'm trying to move on and improve, but when I feel every time I make a positive step forward, I soon take a step back. Things were going up before this week, all of a sudden they crashed- I was miserable.

I'm starting university- next week is freshers. I'm some ways excitement has kept me going. However, I feel I just want to fit in. Had bad experiences at school in the past, felt like an outcast majority of the time. I don't want to relive it an I fear people will think I'm 'weird, fat' or just not want to talk to me. As much as it's about the degree, I am here to study- I don't want university life to be miserable. I want to feel comfortable around people and have friends. Is that too much to ask?

Generally I'm a self conscious person. I worry about the way I talk, walk, look. Quite often I avoid situations in public due to this. Sometimes I get nervous and avoid doing things because of it- but I don't even know why. For example, I've been planning to get an eye test for weeks (I'm due one and they keep sending me letters). I kept on wanting to book an appointment on multiple days but I kept walking past it and not doing it. I don't know if it's cause I know my vision is fine but in the back of my mind I'm worrying about brain tumours etc. I know my vision is good but I get eye tests as I know they can detect your health from them. Eventually I did it, one day I was brave and even booked my menengitis vaccination on the same day! Other times, I want I go into shops but avoid it due to what people think of me eg. I won't go into a high street clothing shop when I feel I look like a mess as I think everyone looks nicer so they will judge me. I often walk past them. Even if I need to get something or want to go shopping. I don't know why I do this!

I also worry that people think I'm shoplifting (when I'm not, I would never do that). As I sometime act nervous, or walk with my head down or just go in shops for a look and not buy anything.

I wish I wasn't so self conscious!

Plus, I feel I've gained weight recently and it's making me feel bad. A couple of years ago, I lost a lot of weight- from then on I ate healthily and went to the gym. Things have went downhill- I'm not eating as healthy and barley exercising. Luckily I'm still the same size of clothes but still I feel I've gained a considerable amount. I've also been paying for a gym membership which I haven't been using. I feel to embarrassed to go back, plus when I thought about cancelling it I was too anxious to go up to the gym (for fear of judgement).

I'm sick and tired of caring what people think of me. I always worry about what other think. When someone says something negative about me, it really damages my confidence (I have low self esteem as it is). The words go around and around my head, they don't go away. I wish I could just ignore it but I can't.

I'm tired of avoiding situations, I just want to care less like others. I'm jealous of people, who don't feel self conscious or worry about being judged.

I feel guilty as I don't like visiting my gran anymore. She has dementia, I don't like seeing her that way and I find it difficult to make conversation. I do love her, I just find it hard.

Just realised I've mentioned a lot of current issues. I just felt the need to type it all out.
«1

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am not intentionally going out of my way to sound bossy or uncivil, but all this is your GAD speaking, or Generalised Anxiety Disorder - not the real you. You wrote all that in a state of paranoia and self-pity as if completely not understanding or having let sunk in that which your therapist has been teaching you, and in such a enormously supportive manner. It is as if you paid no attention to her whatsoever and to those who have helped encourage you, when you needed them most, they lifted you out of the doldrums. You don't sound like the happy apandav you came away as, last time we spoke.

    It will of huge surprise to you that I have a preteen daughter who is twelve years old. She is as bright and as highly articulate as you, listening but acting upon all she is being taught by me and our family. Since from such an early age as eight, my daughter learnt to 'sign' so I could talk to her which she understands as easily as if I were able to speak. Likewise when you were a young teenager, you fast tracked your school subjects to be a brilliant high achiever in academia, so it is already a given that you know you are potentially able to overcome all this worry state - and from whom your therapist has been so painstakingly supportive. The onus on you therefore is to snap out of this GAD and reflect on all you have learnt and stop doing self-pity because otherwise you are going to get yourself into such a stew that attending university will put you right back into kindergarten.

    Again, I am not trying to be disagreeable. You are acting childishly intransigent, apanda. You are incredibly bright and you can be happy if you try and make the effort. Your parents don't need to know your mental health state since you are 18 and therefore adult. Simply that, as of now, you owe it yourself to stop whinging, and remember the great things great people encouraged you with, and act on them. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav, I hope you're doing okay today and that writing all that down helped. Sometimes just getting things out is what's needed, rather than having all the thoughts swirling around your head - there is a lot going on for you from confiding in your friends and the vulnerability that entails, the therapy ending, university on the horizon, worries about your weight and our Gran's dementia - I'd say that you're not acting childishly at all and that all of this is a lot for anyone to be facing. On top of that your Anxiety Disorder is a very real thing and all of your feelings are valid. It may be frustrating when your moods shift and change but when you're feeling miserable then coming to post here is absolutely fine, we're here to listen and help give you a boost if we can :)

    Access Denied, I'm not sure it's helpful to compare apandav to your daughter as everyone's experience of anxiety is so unique. it's great to hear that she's so proactive but it's important to remember that we all respond to things differently. Everyone's experience of therapy will also be very different too so without being in the room with apandav, only she can know how those sessions have gone and what she can realistically take away from them.

    On that note however, that could be something useful to think about apandav - perhaps take some time to write down in a journal what you have learnt about yourself during your time in therapy and maybe some small goals to work towards? The real work they say, often happens outside of the therapy room as the things you're learning really start to sink in. You mentioned anxiety in social situations and feeling self-conscious - this could be an area for you to work on, perhaps seeing if there are any societies or clubs at uni you're interested in to help you face your fears and come out of your shell a bit and gain confidence?

    What I can see from your post is a great deal of self-awareness, you're aware of some of your behaviours and things you'd like to change and that's a great starting point! You're way ahead there. It could be worth looking into the student support services at your university once you start and seeing if there is anything on offer that might be helpful for you.

    It must be hard to feel so self-conscious all the time and worried about what others think. One thing someone told me once which I found useful was that quite often we are all more worried about ourselves than anyone else, so all those people you think might be judging you are also too busy in their own heads as well to be thinking about you!

    Finally then, do keep talking to your friends and really well done for opening up to them. The fact is that 1 in 4 people will experience mental health problems - you're not a freak and you're not alone. They may need a bit of time to process things but reminding them that they can ask you questions if they want to or letting them know what they can do, even just small things to help, will enable them to support you rather than being unsure as to what to do or say.

    Student Against Depression have a section on their site full of students stories, you might find these ones about anxiety useful to read: http://studentsagainstdepression.org/topics/anxiety/

    Let us know how you're getting on *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    AccessDenied- I know that I don't have to tell my parents, but I feel guilty about hiding it. No matter what age I am, I'd still feel bad. Just felt the need to express my feelings and let everything out.
    Jo7 wrote: »
    Hey apandav, I hope you're doing okay today and that writing all that down helped. Sometimes just getting things out is what's needed, rather than having all the thoughts swirling around your head - there is a lot going on for you from confiding in your friends and the vulnerability that entails, the therapy ending, university on the horizon, worries about your weight and our Gran's dementia - I'd say that you're not acting childishly at all and that all of this is a lot for anyone to be facing. On top of that your Anxiety Disorder is a very real thing and all of your feelings are valid. It may be frustrating when your moods shift and change but when you're feeling miserable then coming to post here is absolutely fine, we're here to listen and help give you a boost if we can :)

    Access Denied, I'm not sure it's helpful to compare apandav to your daughter as everyone's experience of anxiety is so unique. it's great to hear that she's so proactive but it's important to remember that we all respond to things differently. Everyone's experience of therapy will also be very different too so without being in the room with apandav, only she can know how those sessions have gone and what she can realistically take away from them.

    On that note however, that could be something useful to think about apandav - perhaps take some time to write down in a journal what you have learnt about yourself during your time in therapy and maybe some small goals to work towards? The real work they say, often happens outside of the therapy room as the things you're learning really start to sink in. You mentioned anxiety in social situations and feeling self-conscious - this could be an area for you to work on, perhaps seeing if there are any societies or clubs at uni you're interested in to help you face your fears and come out of your shell a bit and gain confidence?

    What I can see from your post is a great deal of self-awareness, you're aware of some of your behaviours and things you'd like to change and that's a great starting point! You're way ahead there. It could be worth looking into the student support services at your university once you start and seeing if there is anything on offer that might be helpful for you.

    It must be hard to feel so self-conscious all the time and worried about what others think. One thing someone told me once which I found useful was that quite often we are all more worried about ourselves than anyone else, so all those people you think might be judging you are also too busy in their own heads as well to be thinking about you!

    Finally then, do keep talking to your friends and really well done for opening up to them. The fact is that [URL="http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/statistics-and-facts-about-mental-health/how-common-are-mental-health-problems/"]1 in 4 people[/URL] will experience mental health problems - you're not a freak and you're not alone. They may need a bit of time to process things but reminding them that they can ask you questions if they want to or letting them know what they can do, even just small things to help, will enable them to support you rather than being unsure as to what to do or say.

    [URL="http://studentsagainstdepression.org/"]Student Against Depression[/URL] have a section on their site full of students stories, you might find these ones about anxiety useful to read: http://studentsagainstdepression.org/topics/anxiety/

    Let us know how you're getting on *hug*

    Jo- thank you for your reply! I find that writing everything down is helpful. Like you said, it's a good way of "getting things out".

    I've now decided that I'm going to give journaling a go. I have done similar in the past, but been unable to maintain it. Think I will dedicate 2 specific notebooks - one to detail what I've learned from therapy and another one to generally express my thought and feelings in. Therapy ending is scary and I can see your point - "it's where the real work will begin".

    Also, I know there are a lot of clubs/societies at my university. I think it would be beneficial for me to join one- to gain more confidence and maybe even make friends :)

    "People are more worried about themselves, rather than others" - great way to put it. I will try to bear this in mind for the future!

    Funnily enough, my friends even told me they weren't sure if they could approach me with a question. Honestly, I didn't know how to reply. I think, I need to meet up with them for a chat - reassure them it's okay to ask questions and tell them how they can support me, like you said.

    Thanks for the link, I'm going to have a lot at it just now!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Not a good start to the day....... woke up after a dream about therapy ending! It's so current, I've been worrying about it. Feel like I was living it, I've now woke up feeling all anxious and nervous :( - after a dream!!

    The words in my dream were so harsh but in reality they demonstrate the truth!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Deep breaths Amanda, focus on the here and now :( I need to try to take things on board, in reality I just want to cry my heart out and say I can't do this......it's so difficult!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Feel lost right now, it's hard to explain. I just feel weird- I woke up this morning after a dream about therapy ending (which is also happening in real life). I felt scared, anxious and sad. I kept trying to practice mindfulness and focus on the here and now (tell myself everything is "okay" as I'm just in my bedroom). It was a dream but it has an extremely close connection to reality.

    I feel lost as right now as I literally don't know what to do. I feel tierd but can't sleep. I have nothing to do today or look forward to -this makes things worse, especially as I need a distraction right now (with therapy ending tomorrow and all).

    On top of that my minds starting to wonder. I feel sad as there is no point in getting up today, I feel no reason to look forward to my day. Normally I'm excited about starting university but today I just feel it's all too real- this feeling dominates at this moment. It makes me thing what's the point in anything. And now, not only have I woke up in an anxious state, I've put myself into a low mood.

    I'm really trying, but it's so difficult. Keep telling myself positive things and. Reminding myself to focus on the moment...... but it's just not happening. Now I feel bad as I'm questioning how I will cope after therapy, if I'm trying to cope on my own right now yet it's not working.

    Looking back on what ice just wrote, from CBT I can tell that I'm trying to predict the future (which is impossible) and that my basis is on past events. Past events don't always determine the future. Moreover, I do know the logical theories behind all my worry, but still I can't convince myself that they are not real!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sometimes it helps just to talk it out and allow yourself to cry!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I ended up phoning Samaritans (which I've not done in a while), I let everything on my mind out and had a cry..... although I definitely don't feel 100%, I came away feeling more relaxed. I think I just needed to pour my emotions out!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Planned my day this morning, it worked until a certain point (when I agreed to go shopping with mum) but afterwards I didn't manage to maintain it. Thoughts and feelings still there
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Finding it so shard to move on, why is it so hard :banghead: ?? Getting frustrated with myself!!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I need sleep :( had about 3 hours sleep for the past 2 days, really want sleep! I keep overthinking things :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Today I believe, is your Fresher's meet at university and should like to think that by the time you come home, will feel bouyed up and a lot happier. University is going to greatly help distract you from your everyday horrors that recently have got you down. I cannot, however, stress enough how vitally important sleep is and recommend you see your doctor about getting them to give you a short course in sleeping medication. Something that will break the cycle of an overly-active worried mind to calm you down ready to go to sleep.

    I take Kalms which contain extract from Valerian. It's a herbal preparation easily bought over-the-counter at pharmacists anywhere in town or at Boots the chemist. Kalms are small white tablets working very effectively after about 30 minutes, relieving periods of worry, irritability, stresses & strains. During that time, try preparing yourself for bed. Have a warm shower or bath to relax your muscles, dim the lights in your bedroom, but prior to that, make your bed appear cosy and welcoming for when you leave the bathroom. I've already started to do this since my injuries, for getting into a habit now will soon become regular so you will welcome a good night's sleep. Lack of sleep, and I don't mean to preach, but we all know that insomnia caused by overthinking will not help us the next morning, for this is why we feel so lousy.

    Think back to when you last worried and fretted. Since then, nothing tangible, graspable actually happened. You must make a conscious effort to step out of this cycle to focus on the time, Being.

    Have a good day at university fresher's. I look forward to reading about your experience. :)

    Poppi
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Today has been better! I'm not going to any of today's freshers events but got plans for the rest of the week! Although, I've been busy today. Managed to get a better sleep last night (still shattered though), hopefully it will pass.

    I've looked into Kalms in the past (for exams etc.) but was put off as it can make you drowsy, according to the label. I might try it at night, if I continue to struggle sleeping. I've been using Bach's Rescue Remedy for 4 years now (on and off, normally during exam season)- it used to help me a lot in my exams, but I felt recently it's started to become ineffective for me (probably because I've been using it for too long). (That was before I started medication).

    I'm really trying to be mindful and question my thoughts (from what I've learned)- today's been okay, but I can't be sure of tomorrow!

    Thanks :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Feel disgusted. I've not weighed myself in a while (I fear what the scales will say). I swear I'm putting on shitloads of weight, even mum noticed :(
    All that hard work two years ago, slowly going to waste. I need to change before I go up a size again :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear you're being so hard on yourself :( You say you 'need' to change? Do you want to? Who are you changing for?

    It can be a horrible when you don't feel comfortable in yourself - a healthy diet and some regular exercise should help you to start feeling better - perhaps you could set yourself a goal for the week ahead if that would be helpful? Something like at least half an hour of brisk walking a day?

    We have lots of info around fitness and diet here on TheSite too that you might find useful: http://www.thesite.org/your-body/fitness-and-diet/page/1

    Let us know how you're doing *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I've never been a very confident person, I'm very self conscious in general. I lost a considerable amount of weight two years ago, with diet and exercise- this really boosted my confidence. Since then, I've managed to keep most of the weight off. However, I feel I'm gaining again- I'm still the same clothes size but I can just feel that I'm gaining a considerable amount. I'm petrified of going up a size, hence I need to try and change.

    I was a healthy weight (according to BMI) but I think I may be slightly over now(not weighed myself since). Don't get me wrong, I'm not obese. But that doesn't matter, I'm still very self conscious of my weight/size. So yes, I do want to change for that reason. I just want to feel like I fit in and I want to feel more confident within myself. (Obviously confidence comes from a multitude of aspects, but I feel this is one that would improve mine greatly). I'm changing for me mainly, but also as I want to fit in. Plus my mum keeps making comments like "your getting a bit chubby again". That's making me feel rather upset!

    I do know why I've gained weight though - I started grazing on snacks again! My biggest issue is snacks, sometimes i don't even realise it until after but I just eat for the sake of it (like when bored or stressed). Also lack of physical activity, as a month ago I was constantly pushing heavy wheelchairs up a hill (through work) and that helped me maintain things. Then I haven't really been doing much. I have been on a few walks etc. but still. I'm hoping with uni starting my eating will be under control (and it has improved the past few days), as I'm busy and so don't snack a lot. Obviously I eat when I'm hungry but when I'm busy I don't even feel bothered by not eating as most of the time I am not hungry. Hence I have been eating when I don't need to recently.

    In relation to exercise. I'm also trying to find balance in my life between uni, studying, relaxing etc. , think I need to put in some space for exercise too! I'll try setting myself goals and thanks for the link.

    Thanks for replying Jo :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Don't know what I should do?........... I start uni at 2pm today, I planned to study this morning. But I'm so tierd, I think I'd have time to just get it done on Saturday. I have wrote yesterday's notes up anyways. I feel like I have to keep studying as I'm at uni though :( is it bad to not study this morning? (I'll probably read my manual for another class- just light reading, but should I study everyday?)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Fuck this studying Cba I'm too tierd!! But on the other hand, I have that worry- oh no I haven't studied today, I'm going to get behind and all stressed and worried. The debate!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Got an email from one of my lecturers saying as a tutorial group we need to decide on a topic (for our report)- before our official meeting! Uni is so fast and scary :( feeling nervous already
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    All this introduction booklet I'm supposed to be reading is confusing! :( I can't even read a stupid intro never mind study. Uni is tough :( and scary! Why am I doing this :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Calm Amanda, think I'll just get ready, take the bus into town and go to the library before my lesson at 2pm. Maybe I'll be more focused instead of sitting in the house? !!!!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sad morning :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Was meeting my tutor group to discuss topics. Needed to email someone to tell them we were going into the library. But couldn't find it in my student emails and the girl beside me (in my group) was like I think it's just under, looking at my phone. As I was scrolling through I forgot I had an email from student counselling- think she might have saw it but I'm not sure. Never said anything and we got on discussing our projects after........ Feeling embarrassed
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Gaining so much weight :(:(:(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    feeling absolutely drained...
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Didn't initially want to, but just finding things hard especially with uni starting. I booked an assessment appointment with student counselling!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Feeling sad....... Feel like I have no desire for anything. It's supposed to be relaxation time after studying but just feel misreable
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    hey apandav *hug*

    How are you feeling today? :heart:

    Sorry to hear you're feeling sad. Do you want to chat more about how your feeling, we are here for you.

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Crap mood, don't have the motivation to study or tidy up. Don't want to go to work later. Friends made plans to meet up tonight (after work)- been feeling like I don't want to go for a while now. Right now I really don't want to go.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I feel very tense :( , my head feels overwhelmed at the moment. Struggling to relax. I need to go to bed soon, as up early for uni tomorrow but just don't feel right........ hard to explain!
Sign In or Register to comment.