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Cannot stop drinking

AllieAllie Posts: 235 Trailblazer
Some of you already know me! If not, I'm Kayden a 20 year old female.

I am really struggling with alcohol (i find it easy to give advice to people, but im not good at giving advice to myself if that makes sense?)
I started drinking when I was about 14/15 years old, mostly because of abuse I suffered at home which also caused me to develop mental health issues (Eating Disorder, Depression - ""strength varies, at times it has been severe"", Anxiety) I have also had hallucinations of seeing and hearing things (when I am stressed only).
I moved out at 16 and became homeless - sofa surfing, staying on the streets (1 night) and then one day I stayed at a guys house with 2 friends which tipped off my love for alcohol.. It was the first time I had tried drugs that night and the first time I had ever had a heavy drinking session.. I had taken 2 types of different drugs with alcohol and lets just say I was glad I had friends around me at the time. Then I went into a B&B it was very strange to me, of course I continued with the substances and it was the first time I had got legless from alcohol - I was forced by peers at the B&B to down a whole bottle of Mojito Lime flavour, which ended up in them stealing my room keys and not allowing me to get to any exits in the building, I was told I had to jump out of my bedroom window to get out (bedroom was on the second floor) which I started to do until being pulled back in. So lucky escape.
I then went into a hostel where my life changed completely.. I had then got used to drinking large amounts over a small period of time and ended up in A&E several times a week because of the volume I had inside me.. My drug use became worse and my alcohol got out of control, I did stupid things which could have been fatal. But then, I was placed into a care home due to my risky behavior and refused any free time without staff members for 3 months so I could detox from the drugs and alcohol.. but it didnt stop me, I used to run away to drink, I was then given half hour free time 2 days a week and spent all of the free time drinking as many cans as i could - I had a therapist (for different reasons aswell) and I slowly started becoming better with the alcohol and my drug using stopped.
It didnt last that long!! I turned 18 and got moved to England in a different care home which triggered the drinking, I used to go out with staff and the other young people to a arcade type thing but inside was a bar next to some pool tables, as soon as I walked through them doors I would be straight at the bar getting my drinks ready.. My alcohol became worse and worse until I ended up on a roof very intoxicated and endangered my life, there were many alcohol incidents related to that place.. But towards the end of my time there it decreased quite a lot.

Nearly finished!! Honest!!

I then moved back to Wales, into my own flat when I was 19. It went okay for 1 week and I ended up in a mental health unit. Then I started training with an organisation, I started drinking in the evenings, which slowly turned into drinking in the afternoon, to drinking before training in the morning. Of course my workers knew I was drinking before I turned up, luckily I wasnt turned away as they wanted to help me but they couldnt even help me. I got refused certain activities because I was low in weight and I kept drinking, so it would of been a risk to have me on some activities.. Then September 2014 came.. I started drinking Vodka bottles and the number of bottles increased, by November I was then drinking daily..

And now I am 20, I drink every day without fail because I cannot stop myself, I try to stop but I get hot flushes, pain in my stomach, I get moody and irritable with my friends, and i get tired. My day doesnt feel complete without a drink? It doesnt feel normal not to drink if that makes sense??

I dont know how to stop myself, the past week I have been very irritable and my friends are getting fed up. I dont know how to help myself, I could go to my GP but things are different here. While I was at the MH unit one girl was an alcoholic and they told her 'Just stop drinking' but in a sarcastic way.. I find it hard to talk about my alcohol intake, I am aware I need help. Even now, typing this I am still drinking and the thoughts going through my head due to other issues in my life are not good, I get lost in my bad thoughts and I dont want to turn to them like before.

Any advice, or help would be great!!

P.s sorry it is so long.

Kayden x


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kayden,

    Massive well done for sharing all of that, it can't have been easy. How do you feel about having written it all down? You mention it's hard to talk about your alcohol intake, I wonder how much you feel able to open up to your friends fully? Sorry to hear that things are getting more tricky between you and them due to your moods.

    From what you have described 'just stopping' isn't likely to be an option for you and could even be dangerous in terms of withdrawal symptoms so if you can get to the GP and be really honest about things then hopefully they can refer you for some support. There is some advice on the NHS website about cutting down gradually too which might be helpful to read. Do you feel like getting support is something you want and feel ready for?

    Drinking is often tied up in a lot of difficult emotions and as you start to unravel those it can help you to cut down on your drinking too but doing this with the support of professionals and friends is going to be key to you managing it safely.

    You may be interested to look up local drug and alochol services and contact them directly, you can search on the right hand side of this page or via our
    Local Advice Finder.

    You can also call Drinkline for free, confidential advice and support on 0300 123 1110 In fact, I just gave them a quick ring to check they were still running and a lovely scottish lady answered and mentioned they are always really happy to talk to younger people and if needs be can help find out about local services for you too. Could be worth a try if you feel up to calling.

    Keep us posted on how things are going *hug*

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    AllieAllie Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hello i couldnt makrbb clgroup chat. I cannpt ckntroly alcohol intake Jo
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Kayden, I can see you posted this at the end of last week - how are you doing today?
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    AllieAllie Posts: 235 Trailblazer
    Hi Jo,
    Not that great. I had my meeting about being homeless, still sofa surfing, i have a chance tomorrow to get into a hostel BUT because i dont have a local connection (havent lived here for 3 or more years) I need a good damn reason for them to accept me - which I think i have as due to 3 reasons i cannot return to where i was born.
    I dont really know how i feel.
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    apandavapandav Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
    Hi kayden,

    How have you been recently?

    Sending *hug* s
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