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Update- Anxiety/ Mood Issues
apandav
Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
So I previously had a thread in relation to anxiety.
For anyone who doesn't know, I'm struggling with anxiety and mood problems. I also have low self esteem/ confidence. I've had 4 CBT therapy sessions and started taking citalopram (antidepressant) 2 weeks ago.
So I had a GP appointment this morning to review citalopram (10mg). She upped my dose to 20mg after my review (was different doctor to who prescribed it).
Now I have a few concerns/ questions (don't know if that's the right word) in relation to my appointment:
Dr J asked me some questions again which I had covered with Dr L two weeks ago. I would have thought all the information would be stored on my medical records. I find it hard to repeat what has been said, especially when I'm not expecting it.
I'm worried I made myself look bad as she asked me what worries, I could only give one example. But I know I have others I just froze and forgot. Now I regret not saying x,y,z.
She said to me "the usual dose is 20mg but Dr L started you off on a low dose". She then asked me if I wish to continue. But she never gave her opinion until I asked (is that strange). She said "well 20mg is the usual dose and since you have no side effects I'd reccommened you continue and up the dose to 20mg". I'm okay to have my dose upped, but it just seemed there was something strange about the way she approached it. Does it sound like I'm exaggerating or do I have a point?
She asked me "do you have anyone to talk to when you get really low?" (I have mood swings so these thoughts are on/off but they can get really bad, she means when I get to tha stage). I said "no, uhh helplines?" She said well you could always call NHS 24 on 111 (that's for Scotland) and a mh nurse could chat with you. But why would I do that? As I'd have to be careful what I say out of fear (not mentioning specifically what I mean as it could be triggering/ I haven't mentioned something anywhere here due to that).
On a positive note, she said if I need to I can make another appointment in 2 weeks to she her or Dr L. (As my therapist is on holiday for a month and I'm worried about coping on my own for that long).
But I'm still very worried about only having 2 sessions left. I don't feel that's enough, plus I'm very scared of facing things on my own. As I can't get support from family/friends as I am unable to be honest with them. The doctor said if I tell my therapist that, then she could refer me for more therapy. But I'm worried she won't agree.
I know nobody here is a professional, but I would really like an outsider opinion on what I've said?
For anyone who doesn't know, I'm struggling with anxiety and mood problems. I also have low self esteem/ confidence. I've had 4 CBT therapy sessions and started taking citalopram (antidepressant) 2 weeks ago.
So I had a GP appointment this morning to review citalopram (10mg). She upped my dose to 20mg after my review (was different doctor to who prescribed it).
Now I have a few concerns/ questions (don't know if that's the right word) in relation to my appointment:
Dr J asked me some questions again which I had covered with Dr L two weeks ago. I would have thought all the information would be stored on my medical records. I find it hard to repeat what has been said, especially when I'm not expecting it.
I'm worried I made myself look bad as she asked me what worries, I could only give one example. But I know I have others I just froze and forgot. Now I regret not saying x,y,z.
She said to me "the usual dose is 20mg but Dr L started you off on a low dose". She then asked me if I wish to continue. But she never gave her opinion until I asked (is that strange). She said "well 20mg is the usual dose and since you have no side effects I'd reccommened you continue and up the dose to 20mg". I'm okay to have my dose upped, but it just seemed there was something strange about the way she approached it. Does it sound like I'm exaggerating or do I have a point?
She asked me "do you have anyone to talk to when you get really low?" (I have mood swings so these thoughts are on/off but they can get really bad, she means when I get to tha stage). I said "no, uhh helplines?" She said well you could always call NHS 24 on 111 (that's for Scotland) and a mh nurse could chat with you. But why would I do that? As I'd have to be careful what I say out of fear (not mentioning specifically what I mean as it could be triggering/ I haven't mentioned something anywhere here due to that).
On a positive note, she said if I need to I can make another appointment in 2 weeks to she her or Dr L. (As my therapist is on holiday for a month and I'm worried about coping on my own for that long).
But I'm still very worried about only having 2 sessions left. I don't feel that's enough, plus I'm very scared of facing things on my own. As I can't get support from family/friends as I am unable to be honest with them. The doctor said if I tell my therapist that, then she could refer me for more therapy. But I'm worried she won't agree.
I know nobody here is a professional, but I would really like an outsider opinion on what I've said?
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Comments
First of all, I would just like to say that I have been in CBT before too. If you need more therapy sessions, your therapist will arrange this for you and I know this because I was in CBT for one whole year. It's their job to tailor the care around your needs so if you don't feel ready, that's okay. It's what therapy is all about, it's based on your needs.
In terms of the medication, I don't think there is anything to worry about. I noticed that when I was in CBT, it was me doing all the talking. I feel that they don't try to overwhelm you with information or personal views and you are free to bring up anything as you wish. I think when she asked if you wanted to continue, she wanted to let you talk about any side effects or whatever you may be dealing with then. If you didn't bring up what you wanted to say in the previous session, don't fret!
I've never called any NHS helpline for low moods, so I can't really advice with that. However, you can always message me!
Thanks for your reply!
That's really reassuring when you mention about your experiences of therapy! You know what I'm just going to tell my therapist how I feel that I need more sessions!
From my previous sessions, I like how I can talk to my therapist about anything and I basically lead the topic of conversation! I find therapy really helps as I normally feel a lot better, even when I was struggling before.
The GP asked me if I had any side effects before, but she was like what do you want to do.
I'm the same its took me a while to open up about things. At the start I only told certain things, (to both GP and therapist). To be honest I think i hadn't admitted a lot of feelings and thoughts to myself (never mind someone else)- was in denial, thought I was making things up. But it just got to a point where it got to much for me, which was only 2 weeks ago so I started to be more honest.
Thanks Nix, that's really kind of you! I really appreciate it
I'm really dreading work, wish I could say it's just because I can't be bothered. But that would be a lie, I'm worried about the stress it will cause, got a lot on at work at the moment and all the pressure on me is unbearable. I really want to phone in sick, I feel scared. I know it seems irrational, but it's just too much. I'm tired of this "normal" act around my family/friends. Right now I just feel like giving up.
Plus my friends bailed on our plans
Also was struggling to sleep, have been lying here for hours and haven't slept yet! Feeling restless and agitated, thinking about my day. Getting annoyed with the GP appointment in my head. I keep replaying conversations and phrases in my head, analysing my words/behaviour and that of other others. Getting annoyed with me and others. Saying "bitch" / other names aloud in my head to block out my unwanted thoughts. I feel like a crap person for saying it (in my head).
Feeling like I'm making things up, that I'm such a saddo! Sometimes I think it's "all in my head". Then I think, wait no it's not! I really don't understand myself and am very confused.
My mood has just changed at the click of a button, feeling sad , anxious, annoyed, worried, angry, frustrated - want to cry! This is me trying to speak sense, unlike last time I acted so immaturely on my last thread. I'm disgusted in myself.
I have a lot of reason to be disgusted/appalled in myself recently!
Didn't want to post but where else can I?
Then this morning I woke up crying. I dreamt it was my nans sisters funeral (who I've only met a few times) but that they took my nans body in a hearse at the funeral. My nan was cremated though and her sister is still alive. What upset me was, I imagined seeing inside the coffin and I just couldn't handle it for a second time. Thing is my nan died almost 4 years ago. I was just so emotional and crying over that this morning. I'm also worried that thinking my nans sister is dead will mean she will die. Not that I'm close to her as I barley know her, but I feel guilty that I had that thought in a dream. I feel like when I was younger thinking of people dying / other serious things caused them to happen, as ironically this has happened to me a few times.
Then I phoned Samaritans this morning, as I just really wanted to tell someone how I feel. I kept crying on numerous occasions throughout the phone call. I know it's silly but I can't help but cry. Strange thing is I keep thinking I'm making things up and get annoyed with myself , then afterwards I think no I'm not. But I guess physically crying shows that I'm not making these emotions and thoughts up. It's so contradictory, I just think how can I feel and think this way, so it must not be true!
I get what you're saying about being unsure about whether your emotions are real or not. But I would say that if you feel them - they're real. And they're not your fault - you're doing a lot to work on improving how your feeling, which is impressive. Please don't blame yourself for something that's out of your control.
Thanks for replying!
Yeah I feel I have too much things in my head at the moment, it's overwhelming! I actually did some cooking but it was cause I had to prepare dinner for tonight, or mum and dad would be annoyed with me. I still need to find something that I could do, as all the things I should do I have no motivation. Just have to force myself to do some things around the house or parents wouldn't be happy! It's a good suggestion though, I'm just finding it hard to get there.
And now I've just consecutively had two things cause me worry. My dad pressuring me to go out for driving practice but I'm too tired (barley slept) and not in the mood. I said no for those reasons. But he seems annoyed, probably thinks I'm not trying
Then someone came to the door and I couldn't find my keys in time. I'm kind of relieved as I think he was coming to check gas or electricity meter. I wouldn't be able to let him in my house, don't feel comfortable when I'm home alone letting strangers in. Who knows could be a randomerwith a fake uniform. Still my dad wouldn't be happy if it did it either, when home alone. But I'm worried as he left before I could find my keys and I don't know if he will come back. Also I should have had my keys at the ready, what if there was a fire or something and I needed to escape! Too much random anxieties at once for me
Yeah I do feel them, I just don't understand them and sometimes that makes me question them. I just feel I'm not doing enough to help myself but I just don't have the mood or motivation right now.
Today has been awful! And I'm dreading work tomorrow egh. I've been hoping I get involved in an accident whilst walking to work tomorrow, it's that bad, sigh
I think you're overthinking the keys situation. Kind of like catastrophizing, which I find is very common in anxious situations. Not everyone knows where their keys are at all times, I sure don't haha! I think you've taken it too heavily on yourself. The fact that there would have been a house fire, or something on that level, right at that very moment is realistically unlikely. However, it is a good habit to adopt if you want to - always have your keys at the ready because it is common sense really. :yes:
For me, when I start to question my feelings, I know it's because my mind has gone into overdrive and I know that when it's in overdrive, a lot of my thoughts are unrealistic. Though it feels real, the thought driving that feeling is often a bit silly. I find that when I've calmed down, the thought that was driving it is pretty easily solved.
I'm no therapist though. All of my posts in this thread are based on either my personal experience or what I've learnt in therapy.
One more thing. I do have a suggestion for you. You've mentioned that you haven't been able to talk to your therapist because you don't feel ready to. You could try to write your thoughts down instead, or copy and paste what you've said in this thread into a document and print it out for your therapist to see. It may break the ice on communication and your therapist will know where to begin.
Thanks for your reply, don't know if you saw my other thread or not but yesterday was really bad. So much so I phoned NHS 24, got emergency GP appointment and ended up getting assessed by CPN the same day. My therapist now knows the full situation - I told her at therapy a week ago. And plus she came to my assessment yesterday (I thought she was on holiday so it was a shock to see her) and she sat next to me for the full assessment (although it was another nurse conducting it).
Writing has helped me in the past but that's everything out in the open now! Its a relief but at the same time scary! Like I know when I'm getting CBT my therapist tends not to bring up the past ........but for sure she will want to talk to me about what happened at the assesment (plus she's a qualified MH nurse so she will know exactly what she's talking about)!! I'm dreading next therapy, I felt like I've been a disappointment and I'm expecting to be asked difficult questions at next session (which is scary).
Yeah I totally understand what you mean, it's like a cycle.
Funnily enough, I was caught up in a worrying spell today- just about a combination of things. I phoned the nurse (they gave me number to contact her yesterday) and I told her how I felt. She basically said to me do this and that today(of what I told her) , that will eliminate things, you can't keep putting things off, it makes it worse. I've also been struggling with motivation and she said I need to star doing small things in order to become more motivated.
Ps. I tend to babble a lot so sorry if I have!
Then she ranted "your 18, you've got your whole life ahead of you, you don't want to get embroidered in this service, your going to university, you need to make the most of your therapy , only you can make the most of your life". I mean I get what she means but that was so ugh..... Fucking not helpful at all, that rant was not required,mint just made me feel worse!!
Don't need your stupid service anyways, it's a load of shit!
Okay I'll take on board your advice, let's see how this goes.
Yeah, it was a phone call with a NHS mh nurse. At my appointment on Friday, they said I could contact them if I needed to- gave me their names (2 nurses on different shift days). I've spoke to nurse L twice, once Friday and once today.
I was very panicky on Friday. Basically on Friday she said my fears about work were irrational, that I need to slowly do more to build up my motivation. So she made me discuss my plans with her- so she was like tidy your room, write a to do list and do this thing I need to do before I start uni.
Today when I phoned I was feeling really down and worried about my thoughts. Basically she said well staying in your room all day is no good. She got annoyed cause I never cleaned my room (I tidied it though), I didn't think it was part of the agreement and she was like "why not?". Then she encouraged me to clean my room, then text a friend to meet up today. She then went on to discuss the "plan". She said well the plan is you take your medication, finish theory with C. I'm not on shift anymore but you can phone E (the nurse who assessed me) if you need to on this number, then E will tell you when to stop phoning. I then told her I don't feel that two sessions is enough therapy. This is the part where I started getting annoyed, frustrated and upset....... She went on a rant about how I'm 18, full live ahead of me, basically saying I should be "happy" and that I need to make the most of life. Then she went on to say that well you just need to make the most of your last therapy sessions and take on board what you have learned. it will come to a stop. Well I never said I wanted it forever, just hoping for perhaps a few more sessions. After I finish I will have had 6 in total.
I got annoyed at her rant, as she doesn't know or understand how I feel. I may have a seemingly "good" life but honestly I feel I don't know what I want. And I feel I've lost who I am. I keep on finding negatives to everything. Basically I felt she was sayings you just need to get a grip cause your life is okay. That's what it felt like. But who is she to judge?
More or less the full phone conversation she seemed like annoyed and snappy in her voice. Like she was quick to throw comments back to me.
I felt really upset after this conversation, it made me feel worse and my thoughts got really bad. I just started analysing my life more and ended up crying on the phone to Samaritans. I just needed someone to talk to.
Another thing is everyone, since friday keeps referring to "oh it's your illness". Thing is I haven't been officially told I have something so I'm very confused what they mean by "illness".
So depending on how I feel tomorrow, if I feel I need to I might phone. If I do I would ask for another nurse (the person who did my assesment). Guess I'll just see how tomorrow goes.
To be honest I just feel very alone, and I'm thinking what was the point in asking for more help. I'm trying to make a difference, I'm just worried that the time left until discharge won't be long enough, as I feel things have actually got worse since. As after then I'm alone, my family don't know about this so its down to me to try to sustain myself. That really worries me, I don't feel ready.
I feel like I'm not being listened to properly and that I'm being judged by the nurse who is supposed to help me. She seems to make excuses that it's my illness and I should just be x,y,z and she tells me how to think. Well that's easy for you to say as that's obviously how your mind works, but it's tough being told how and what I should think/ act without actually telling me how. How is that supposed to help me?
They aren't helping me so why bother, 2 therapy sessions and I'm out the door! Not ready for it.
Feelings are getting more intense and stronger. What was the point in reaching out for extra help, they do nothing except moan at you and say how you should feel. So unfair
Sick of cover ups, got to work tomorrow but I'm dreading it.
Then to top it off I learn someone who I thought was my best friend isn't who I thought they were.
How did your phone call with Samaritans go? I've heard that they tend to be a good source for help.
I don't feel that people should be saying you have an illness yet to be honest either. You're not required to have an illness to seek therapy. No one should be diagnosing yet, not even vaguely.
Also, no one can tell you what therapy can offer you but your therapist. The MH nurse is not a part of your case, therefore she has no control over your therapy. Try not to let the phone call you had overthrow everything because you don't have to go to her again if you don't want to. Let your therapist speak for the case, not a nurse on the phone.
*hug*
That makes me feel like I'm not exaggerating, which is good!
Phoning the Samaritans really helped, as I like how they don't judge, don't tell you what to do, sometimes just having a listening ear makes all the difference! And some of them are quite good at using questions to make you think.
Yeah, I know what you mean, I'm just saying what they are telling me. That makes me confused when they say "its part of your illness". Im thinking "What illness? Nobody told me I had one!".
My therapist said at start it would be 6 sessions and that she only offers short term interventions.
Had a really bad day today, still not great but I'm much calmer. Its been a long few days!
So the past week has been horrible, the worst ever! Yesterday started off grim, I was at work and I just couldn't think straight, was being very slow- crappy mood! Then I got a big relief when my manager told me to postpone the event (and I will have left by then) and she was being much more supportive with my work, giving me ideas etc. this really helped and it turned out to be a not so bad day! I was doing some colouring in at work ( yes I was genuinely working as I was spending time with a resident) and it really relaxed me, I started thinking "I don't want to die, what was I thinking last week, life's not so bad". I started thinking I need to do things like this more often during my free time, to keep me distracted!
Then today, I had an iffy start- was panicking as I lost an important key for my work! I got very anxious and burst into tears. I know it's pathetic but it just set me off (like triggered me), I started to dread work and think up lots of horrible things (unrelated to work too). Then when I arrived at work I discovered I'd left the key at work - was a big sigh of relief and made me think what a waste of my energy it was panicking this morning!
Overall, I'd definitely say I'm doing a lot better the past few days. I'm actually excited about things. Like I'm getting a free ticket to see the circus next week (as I'm going with work so I'll get in as a carer), whilst I get paid at the same time! Nice easy shift
I've also decided that in my days off I need to put more effort into my therapy homework! I don't know if it's the antidepressants starting to take effect or not - but you know what I don't care!
Still nervous about therapy (in over two weeks away), I know she's going to have umm a lot to say about recent events! (Haven't seen her since the dreaded assesment last Friday).
I really hope things continue to get better
Just realised this morning forgot to take my tablet yesterday.......oops
Just wanted to see how you're feeling today?
It's normal to be worried about therapy ending, I felt the same. I found planning something nice to do for myself after the last session helped me.
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "