coping with change and support ending

Former Member

Thanks

Former Member

butterfly123 wrote: »

in terms of this new male nurse, I've agreed with the doctor that I'll meet him one time but if I still feel the same after then I just need to let my GP know. I see my GP every week so I don't need a nurse anyway.

Way before this point, I have been telling all of my workers often that I do NOT want to meet this male nurse, and I do NOT need to. He's the one that was adamant so my mental support worker was like "well she's adamant that she won't turn up so if you're happy to accept the fact that I'll be coming with her then we can make an appointment".

We went to said appointment this morning and was like how's your mood, how's the weekend been, blah blah blah. I was saying fine to everything, but then he informed me that another of my workers had rung him yesterday to inform him about what happened at the weekend. Right, so why the fuck ask me then if you already know? -_-

THEN he said "I don't think there's anything I can do - only you can help yourself and you need to start taking some responsibility and stop doing such negative things".

Is that a fucking joke? First of all, why was he so adamant on meeting me just to tell me that? Secondly, HOW THE FUCK am I NOT taking responsibility!? I am engaging with the support that is being offered to me, despite how difficult that can be sometimes - that IS me trying to help myself in some way. I can't even describe how upset I am. I do not need a random man confirming that I'm a failure and telling me that my behaviour needs to stop. I did not deliberately try to make myself such a fuck up. I started drinking because I was struggling - how on earth was I supposed to know that it would get so out of hand? I started self-harming way back when - how on earth was I supposed to know I'd never have the courage to stop? I never made it my mission to start overdosing - it just happened. It was not my choice to become such a fuck up of a person and I never truly asked for the things that happened to me throughout my life. It's not fair. This man has basically just confirmed all of the shit I feel about myself and it's a horrific feeling.

What's the point anymore? Why engage with other support if nobody is noticing a difference - if people have the nerve to tell me straight up that I need to "stop" doing what I'm doing. As if it's that fucking simple. If I could just "stop", I wouldn't be living a life like this right now.

Former Member

It sickens me that so many people keep putting me down somehow, even if they don't realise it. I wish people could be more careful when choosing the words they use. I'm devastated.

Former Member

It's almost half nine in the morning and I'm drinking Baileys. It's strong, I've not had anything normal to drink like a cuppa, I can't stand the thought of food. Yet I'm drinking baileys. I feel disgusting.

Former Member

I often start drinking quite early but in a morning, I'd tend to stick to drinks that aren't so strong or sickening. I'm a fuck up.

Former Member

Why the heck is this week going so slow? It's hard enough as it is, but adding the fact that the days seem ridiculously long - can't stand it. And all of this physical pain is horrific seeing one of my workers at twelve but I can't be bothered, like I seriously can't, because I know I'll be having to try and hold tears in. I can't stress how exhausting that is and I'm shit at it recently which makes me angry with myself.

Former Member

*hug* butterfly, I'm really sorry you're having such a bad week I don't really have much else I can offer, but I just wanted to drop in and say thinking of you.

Former Member

Thank you Kate *hug*

I'm seeing GP tomorrow but I really need him now. But I've needed him all week basically. What is going on with me!? I used to hate so much support, I used to hate it, but now I just can't cope for even one day alone. I want to cry. I genuinely just feel like sobbing.

Former Member

I rang doctors surgery and asked if I could change tomorrows appointment to today, so they said yes and gave me the 3.45 slot for today. About an hour later I realised I couldn't make that one so rang back, but tomorrows appointment has now gone, so going to have to go today but I can't because I've got nephew and it wouldn't be right for me to take him with, would it? And I don't think my mental support worker is in until Friday so I don't really want to miss meeting with GP if I don't even have support worker to talk to. Don't know what to do now

Former Member

I don't think it's wrong to want more support at all, and it could be that you're learning to talk about it more and have different coping methods now. I wouldn't say that being emotional in front of your GP/worker etc is necessarily a bad thing; I know personally how it can make you feel but sometimes you just have to let it out in front of someone for them to understand better and to give you a stronger working relationship. You are doing an fabulous job with what you're going through and sometimes you need that day to day help to get you through. It doesn't reflect badly on you at all. Sometimes I've been at the Drs twice a day, they didn't mind because my GP and I had a good relationship and understood that was needed.

Did you go in the end to the Drs? Would you have been able to have left your nephew in the waiting room? Could you get an emergency appt tomorrow morning?

Former Member

Thank you. I did go to the appointment in the end. I apologised when I went in and said I know it might not be sensible for me to have brought nephew with me, but I told him I didn't know what else to do because I'm struggling. We had a chat and he wants to see me again today so has booked me in.

He's going to ring a few people this morning to see what's happening from their points of views because I told him I feel really isolated. So we'll see what happens.

Former Member

Everything can fuck right off.

Former Member

Hey there Butterfly :wave:

Just wanted to check back in with you - did your Dr call you back in the end? Did you go back and have a chat with him?

Hope you're ok

Former Member

Hey Tam,

He didn't call me back but a woman from the crisis team phoned me that night and wanted to meet with myself and my mental support worker. Gosh knows why, it was a shit meeting and it was literally entirely pointless.

Got so much pain right now and I already feel like shit but I'm not even seeing any of my workers today. That's terrifying. I feel today is going to be tough.

Former Member

Sorry to hear you feel that way!

Remember you can always come on here to chat if you want to

Please take care butterfly *hug*

Former Member

Thanks apandav

Would take care if I know how to. Can't cope with such desperate sadness. It's horrible. Fucking sick of wanting to cry as well.

Former Member

Aww.....I feel for you!

If need be remember there are lots of helplines out there like Samaritans and we are hear of course