Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Aged 16-25? Share your experience of using the discussion boards and receive a £25 voucher! Take part via text-chat, video or phone. Click here to find out more and to take part.
Options

Abusive Boyfriend

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have a friend that live 1000's of miles from me in a different country that has a boyfriend that treats her nice one minute and then smacks her around the next.

Then she breaks up with him or at least tries to and the next thing shes getting visits from him being nice one minute and as she resists then saying things like "If he can't have her no one else will"

So far he entered the girl's houses several times (as he knows the codes to the doors) and wrecked things and sometimes followed her in his car.

The worst thing of all is that she keeps saying that she can't do any better them him - which isn't true because she is very pretty, intelligent and popular. She also says even if she did all the other guys in town are scared of her boyfriend as he's known to get into fights with any guy that even looks at her.

I've suggested confiding in a friend, her mother and even calling the cops but she doesn't want to. As a result the only thing I can do is put up this posting here and if any of you have been through what she is going through to post your real life experiences here so that maybe I can redirect her to this thread she'll learn from another girl's experiences.

Oh and how could I forget ... She said that her boyfriend a long time ago raped someone in her town but he got away with it - telling the police the girl accussing him had mental problems .. and after that the girl really did go crazy and ended up moving far away.

I've already told her that she's amazing and could do much better, but I think she's been put down all her life even by her own mother who keeps suggesting comestic surgery for things she don't need that it's hard for her to realise that a boy that pays you attention one minute and beats you the next is NOT right

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I haven't got any real life experience of this thankfully, but your friend really MUST get out of there NOW.

    2 WOMEN ARE KILLED EVERY WEEK AS A RESULT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

    I'm not sure if that's just for the UK or for the world but either way it's shocking.

    What about when she has children? They will suffer too.

    Are there any helplines or shelters for victims of domestic violence where she lives? Try to look into it. Or go on www.google.com for some helpful websites.

    As I've said, she must not delay. A leopard never changes its spots.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    our domestic violence factsheet

    UK based, but helpful in some ways I hope

    She really needs to leave but at the end of the day you can't force her too, the trouble with people at the recieving end of domestic violence is that their self esteem becomes so shattered they blame themselves...

    Be there for your friend and remind her that the way she is being treated is unacceptable, but while you can suggest she seeks help etc. the most important thing is that she feels she has someone to turn to

    HTH

    Susie x
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One of my X's, who I stayed friendly with found herself in an abusive relationship. She was always on the phone to me after a beating and I would go round and take her away from the situation for a drive.

    I was constantly telling her to leave him but, as Susie already said, her self-asteem was rock bottom. No matter what I said to her she always had some kind of excuse.

    "He was tired" "He was drunk" "I provoct him"

    As I told her all bullshit excuses. I don't belief in violence (on male or female) full-stop. Unless it's in self-defence of course.

    It's hard I know mate. I cared alot for her and it hurt me to see her getting hurt. You just have to be there for her and try building her confidence up a bit. Once she feels strong enough she will leave him.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My best mates sister is with an abusive fella, its awful, its always i did somthing its not him just doing it, when we all know full well it so is! also she'l come out with excuses like i fell down the stairs or i was pissed last nite! :rolleyes: shes such a state though and wont leave him as she has no confidence, its awful.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn.. I had another set back with my friend .. I thought she was coming around and then the boyfriend came around to her place with gifts and promises of how he's changed...

    I did come across this website which has a lot fo useful information...

    The experiements with the Dogs was pretty thought prevocking ..

    http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Square/8005/women/wabuse.htm
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe her boyfriend has changed. Cant you just be happy for *your friend*???? She knows you care but you cant always be there to protect her. She needs to learn how to stand up for herself.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Blnde_BombShell
    Maybe her boyfriend has changed. Cant you just be happy for *your friend*???? She knows you care but you cant always be there to protect her. She needs to learn how to stand up for herself.


    Blnde_BombShell ,

    I'd love nothing more then to be happy for her.
    But I also have to be honest with my friend cos I really care about her..

    If he'd only ever hit her once then - fine - may be we could have said - everbody make mistakes ..

    .. But it's happened more then once and what really makes me sad is when she says "It's Het Own Fault" .... and things like that - shifting the blame from him to herself.

    I can only hope that she'll turn things around and value herself as highly as I value her.

    I know if this was happening to her sister or one of her friend's she'd step in and try to help them out, but when it's happening to yourself - it's harder to deal with it.

    She is a very special person and tends to put others ahead of herself, but for once I wish she'd put herself first - because she's worth a million of this bloke. :(
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by Blnde_BombShell
    Maybe her boyfriend has changed. Cant you just be happy for *your friend*????

    Maybe he has changed, but think about it, he has "changed" so many times, how are people meant to know when he has "really" changed? :rolleyes:

    How can he be happy for her? She isn't happy. She'sbeing beaten black and blue. Would you be happy for your friend if they were being beaten?

    Like Susie said, you can't do anything for her unless she wants to leave. She has to want it for herself.
    I've known a case where what made the woman leave was a taste of life with someone who treats her right. Couldn't you ask her to stay with you for a few days? Treat her really well and maybe she will get thinking that her boyfriend isn't really treating her the way she deserves?
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have actually been in your friends situation. i was with a guy for a while and we had a massive arguement and he hit me, he said he would never do it again and he was sorry and so i took him back and things got back to normal. then a few months later i fell pregnant, it wasn't planned but i was chuffed and really looking forward to starting a family. one night he came home really late and we had another big arguement and he beat me up, resulting in me losing my baby.

    i know it is difficult for your friend but there is help out there, she needs to get as much support and as many people around her on her side as possible, it wont be easy for her to get this dickhead out of her life but she needs to be strong. stand by her and offer her support, thats all u really can do. i hope your friend gets sorted soon, before something really terrible happens to her.

    :heart: lisa
Sign In or Register to comment.