Identity crisis

Former Member

Hi

I've always identified as gay and dated women. However I've met a guy I think I could like. I dont fancy other guys though or look at other guys and think 'cor'. We've kissed but thats it. I cant see myself going any further but I dont know if thats because I haven't been there also the thought of having sex with a guy makes me feel a bit ill but that could be fear because I've never been there.

I thought I knew who I was and now I'm not so sure

Anybody been here? Any advice?

Annii

Former Member

You cant be expected to know everything about yourself for your whole life. I mean, look at elton john, married with kids - and oscar wilde. And they both realised later in life that they were gay. Now i know in your case its the other way round (gay to straight if you dont mind me saying), but its still a similar situation.

There's no rules to sya that you have to be either gay or heterosexual for you whole life. I mean come on, I know people who change sexuality like they change their socks! All it means it that they are either bisexual, or undecided. Having fun you know - exploring. When of course there is no harm in that!

The thought of sex with men being off putting for you may be fear, or it may be something chemical inside you. That might not be the way you were 'designed' or whatever your beliefs are. May be you're longing for something different, or maybe you're beginning to understand that its the person you fall in love with, not their gender. i wish more people knew this.

Anyway back to question; its nothing to be ashamed of or scared of, its just something that, in my opinion, you should take one day at a time and see what happens. If you fall in love you fall in love, but dont stop yourself from enjoying this person because you believe at the moment that you are gay. I personally dont believe in a 'sexuality' as such, i think that, as i said above, you fall in love with the person, not their gender.l Its all dependant on who you find attractive. and you find a man attractive - so what?! Go for it, dont let your head hold you back. follow your heart and if it doesnt feel right, follow your heart all the way back to where you started again. Just go with the flow is all I can suggest, you sound like you have your head screwed on, try not to rush things and just remember that what ever happens happens, and its your decision. But most of all, whatever you do, enjoy it, you only live once.

Former Member

There was an article in the Guardians' Weekend magazine last week about a key figure of the lesbian community, who "turned straight". Hunt it out and read it, it was very interesting.

As has been said though, just go with the flow. Dont spend your life wondering what could have happened if you had seen this one through, but didnt just because he was male.

And as for going futher, maybe explain that if its going to happen you need to set the pace and its likely to be slow. That way you dont do anything you dont want to do and can see if it is just nerves once your comfortable around him.

Former Member

If you want to read that article go to www.guardian.co.uk and type Jackie Clunes into the search. Sorry for the lack of link but I'm not too bright and can't work it out!:)

Former Member

Everybody changes and I have done stuff that I would never have dreampt of doing in a million years until now! maybe its cos i'm living away from home

Former Member

My gut reaction - and I do apologise if it sounds flippant - is that if something feels right for you at any time in your life, go with it.

I know people who have been in the same situation, and it's not about "turning straight", the way I see it this is simply about love! (Or lust, I'm not getting into this debate...)

I appreciate the feeling of loss you must have about "losing" your gay identity, but I don't see it that way. Maybe you're bisexual, maybe you're going through a "straight phase", but you're still Annii! Try not to fret about it. Go with what feels right for you, now.

Take care,
Picc.
x

Former Member

See how things go. If you think you like him, stick with it. You'll soon realise whether its just a spare of the moment thing or whether you really do like him. Just be honest about your feelings with yourself and him.

Former Member

I always despair that everyone has to pigeon-hole themselves into a group or another. You might be bi, or it might be a random crush. Don't rush inot anything, but so what if youre a lesbian whos met a really nice guy?

Former Member

I'm where you are now too...

But yeah, like said before, it IS the person you fall in love with...
Whether they be female or male, a companion (spelling?) is a companion...