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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I cant believe what ive done.

Me and my partner have the best relationship in the whole wide world, we really do, we're the bets of friends.

He's never touched a cigarette in his life, and would never do anything that would harm himself, he's really athletic.

anyway we were trying for a baby, and i got pregnant and im gonna skip all this because its not what the thread is asbout but i had an abortion and he knows this. anyway


i just found out the saturday after i had the surgery (which was on the thursday) he went out and got absolutely fucked out of his face and then started smoking marajuana.

he keeps telling me he's fine, but he's not, and i've totally screwed up his life, i practically forced him to have that child with me, i forced him into loving it and getting excited and then i just threw it all away and it was all my fault despite what anyoine says because they dont know the situation

aqnd i know smoking is nothing, even smoking weed is nothing, but the fact that his whole life he has never touched it and sworn he never would, and then after this he decides to go get fucked and stoned, i mean come on - could it be any more obvious why he did it? i feel so guilty

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok im just going to wallow in my self defeat somewhere because i just cant fucking take all this shit anymore, its fucking crap


    when someone out there knows how it feels to totally regret something and completly fuck up the head of the only person you ever loved, tell me how to deal with it
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    STOP blaming yourself all the time for a start, honestly you seem to keep blaming you for everything thats gone on.

    OK im not going into detail again but my hubby seriously screwed with my head recently, stuff went off which shouldnt have. Anyway I could have said "thats it fuck off and dont come back" (which i basically did on the 1st night of events) but then the following day decided that I needed to know the truth. I wanted to know what exactly happened and if we had a future together or what. So we talked and realised we were not just going to throw it away.

    So what im saying to you is go away and talk to him, keep talking and try to sort this out. It sounds as though your desperately trying to save this relationship and that you obviously want to be together so the only way forward is to talk :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but he doesnt listen. he keeps telling me he's fine, but he's only doing that so i dont worry about him. he's not fine at all and it is my fault. i was the one who made him want a child, or agree to having one anyway, and then i went on and pestered him so much i just convinced him it would be great and this was what we wanted and we'd all be a perfect little family but then i turned around and just took it all away from him like that. i wanted that child so much, i still do, and i hate myself for doing what ive done its wrong, i could have kept that child, and i would have found a way to manage it all, but i didnt. and i took it away from him. i took what he finally was convinced he wanted, away from him. and he's not fine
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    listen luv, first off....if he didnt want a child or to love it then he would hav told u so and insisited upon not having it, he probably loved it bcos it was sumthin which u two had made together not because u made him blokes dont show love very often but trust me they feel it.

    the abortion i'm sure u had it for a reason which he understands and if he doesn't then talk to him and let him understand.

    my advice is leave him be for a few days, maybe he needs time to get things together emotionally and is scared of hurting ur feelings by deeling with it any other way.

    if after a few days or maximum a week he doesn't calm the smoking down then talk to him about it and see if he wants to try having another child in the future but wateva u do dont force anything now.

    good luck
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He is telling you he is fine, your really going to lose everything if you dont just try to accept that he is fine.
    I really think the problem lies more with you rather than him. I think its because of what you have just gone through and you are carrying the guilt and constantly blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong or everything that has gone wrong.
    Personally id think about speaking to someone about everything thats gone off and let them help you, you really need to let someone help you deal with how you are feeling now since you have had the op.
    Did anyone really talk to you before and after the op?
    Just think about this for one minuite ok. You seem to be blaming yourself and maybe even though you dont know it you are blocking him out, youre not listening to him because he says he is fine and you dont beleive him. So what does he do? he goes out and tries something that hes never done before which is smoking, now im not clued up on drugs but I beleive it takes away some of the pain, lets you just forget about stuff so is that why hes done it?
    Try sitting talking to him again, you sound as though you have a good relationship apart from this little hiccup. I hope you can sort it, but please stop blaming yourself :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First off. {BADABING}

    Talking from guys point of view. Many years ago (13 to be exact) my girlfriend of the time fell pregnant. An accident (she got ill and was taking some prescription medicine which cancelled out the pill) but pregnant all the same. We sat and talked about the options. 2 days later she was dragged into the clinic by her mother and forced to have an abortion. I found out about this from a mate who saw her coming out and he phoned me. The next two weeks I was not allowed anywhere near her house. Everytime I called her Mum answered and told me not to call. Eventually she went back to school (She was in her final year) and sneaked out one day to talk to me.

    She was blaming herself for the abortion. Saying she wasn't strong enough to stand up to her Mum. I was blaming myself cause I was the one who planted the seed. But by sitting and talking about it we both began to understand how it affected us.

    I'll be brutally honest with hun. It still affects me to this day. I have a fantastic 5yo Son who brightens up my day but I sometimes find myself thinking about the teenage kid I never had.

    Talk to him. To someone. Anyone. There are plenty of phone numbers out there (I'm sure the Mods will be along soon with some). PM me or maybe some of your closer mates on thesite.

    But more importantly. Stop blaming yourself. {MORE HUGS}
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Badabing read this

    and call Brook Advisory Centres
    Advice, counselling and medical help around contraception, pregnancy, abortion and sexual health.
    Telephone: 0800 0185023

    to talk confidentially about how you are feeling.

    Also, Like everyone else has said, talk to your man again, abortion is a strange thing and it hits people in different ways, he may just need a little time to work out how he's feeling, but be there for each other and all will be OK

    Take care of yourself

    Hugs
    Susie x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok we had a chat and he still says he's fine,. so im thinking maybe its just me. Maybe he isnt fine and he is just being a gem to support me, but I wont ever know that will I, so i've just got to try and be the best i can for him. He knows how i feel now, and he knows my view on the situation which is good. So yeh... i suppose this is the beginning of it all then. thanks for your help.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good that's a start, take care of each other and remember these boards are always here

    Hugs

    Susie :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As Susie already said it's a start. But you got to keep the lines of communication open.

    As you stated he says he's fine. Or he maybe just being strong for you. You may never know. But you have to accept his word that he is fine and you will get through this. If he has problems he will come to you (or maybe one of his mates) to discuss.

    And you know we're here. :D
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